Category: Life or Something Like It

Faith Journey, Life or Something Like It

Processing Information I Would Rather Not

Barefoot Faith Journey

Processing Information I Would Rather Not

Processing Information I Would Rather Not

Processing Information I Would Rather Not but here we are…processing it like a boss (or baby boss). I can’t even begin to explain what has happened in my life in the last 6 years (really 18 but whose counting). There has been physical loss of my Lady, two dear friends, health issues with my family and my self, loss of churches, leaving a home, moving, going back to work, the inner workings within my core family, dealing with aging parents, and almost the loss of my marriage.

I’m Not Perfect

Doubt

I’m not always kind.

My tongue is my worst enemy.

Honestly, my temper can rival my tongue.

The feelings of losing my faith.

Isolation.

Depression.

Anxiety.

Fear.

Loss of hope.

Pain.

This feeling of a deep deep sadness that I can’t even explain.

Somewhere, I lost my way. My faith was wavering…I was bent, however, not broken. The realizations of my dad’s health scare took the wind right out of me. I was not prepared for that. I was prepared when he had his stroke. I knew what to do. I was prepared when he had his open heart surgery. This took me by surprise.

It is Hard to Explain

Last October was the last time my dad was in my home. I knew something was wrong that night because I had to “hoist” him up one step to get into my house. He had no strength in his legs. In reality he had a TON of fluid on both of his calves. So much fluid that it was literally oozing out but we never saw because I don’t see my daddy’s bare legs that often.

He was moving slower and just seemed tired. Also, he was losing weight and we couldn’t figure out why. As he states, in the summer, he sweats off all his weight and in the winter he packs it back on. This time, it was the opposite. He lost 42 lbs from Nov 2-the end of December. No one could figure out what was going on and for his privacy, I will leave it at that.

Birthday and Holiday Season

I distinctly remember the day I had either a conference call with my sisters or I maybe I was just talking to one of them but it was close to my birthday. I had a simple question of “will this be my last birthday with daddy.” Silence. My heart sunk and I couldn’t find a breath to even breathe. I wanted my birthday to come and go without notice.

Thanksgiving…Christmas…all was different. We came together, as a family, rallied, prayed, helped, fought and thankfully, today daddy is so much better. He just turned 80 and my Oak turned 78. I know life is but a vaper and so many people lose their parents at way younger ages. However, life without them seems…wrong.

We left our home, suddenly, and without a word to a single person, outside of family. This was something I had, silently, been thinking on and then our world came crashing down. When it did, I knew that I knew that I had to get out. The memories, though some were precious and I hold dear, were too much for me to bear and I had to leave. I no longer felt safe and that wreaked havoc on my mental state.

Recently, A Big Deal Happened

About a month ago, on a Saturday, my husband went to town. I thought he was going to the post office but then I got a call that said daddy was on his way. Daddy has not been to my house since that day in October.

I. Was. Giddy.

I ran around, straightening things up and getting my clothes on and thinking “what can I feed him.” Then, I heard his truck and I bolted outside. Bless his heart, he couldn’t even get the door open and I was like a 10 year old child jumping up and down with tears streaming down my face.

He knew.

He knew the last time he was here. He remembered that we thought he wasn’t going to live. Those conversations of making final plans still bounce around in my head. He popped out with a smile and didn’t even have his cane.  I asked him if he could come in and he said that he couldn’t come up the stairs, so he leaned on the truck and I just basked in the beauty of him standing in front of my house. It was freaking beautiful and he knew it was beautiful. My husband knew, my Oak knew…we all knew that this was a moment I would never forget.

Moments Like This

In a moment like that one, I remember to hold onto hope and hold onto the One that sustains me. Even though I still don’t understand why things have happened the way they have, He still loves me. Depression, anxiety, fear…His shoulders are big enough to carry all of that and more. He is waiting for me to turn my head towards Him instead of away from Him in anger or hurt.

When I stop and think back, I remember all of us begging our mom to divorce daddy. He wasn’t walking with the Lord. Mom knew that God was bigger and through the years, she prayed for him even when he wasn’t kind to her. Her story is one that I would love to share and his, as well. I can also remember the day that she forgave him and I remember the day my daddy found Jesus.

My daddy loves the Lord, loves my Oak, and loves his family. I am so thankful now, though all I saw was pain when I was in it. The Lord sees the big picture. We just see the lamp at our feet. One step at a time. One moment at a time. One breath prayer at a time. Faith of a mustard seed is what we are called to have. My mom had that tiny mustard and eventually they, together and with the Lord at the front, have created a legacy.

I’m so thankful she didn’t listen to us kids. Soon…Pop will be walking into my house to sit at his spot at the table with my children and grandchildren around him, eating supper. I feel it. It’s gonna happen.

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One of the Most Stressful Times of my Life

One of the Most Stressful Times of my Life

One of the Most Stressful Times of my Life is practicing self-care. I have had a hard few weeks and I thought I would do something nice for myself. I’m telling you, the last 3 weeks have been so difficult. Honestly, if it could go wrong, it went wrong. My heart has hurt both personally and professionally.

The stress of juggling home life and work life has been a bit overwhelming for me. It has been a year since I started working and I have sort of found my groove. I lied. There is no groove. I am flitting between the ditches on the sides of the road.

In that “I have some time today, let’s do something wild,” kind of moment…I, indeed, did something wild. There was a gift card in my purse that I have had since Christmas. Today was the day that I was gonna use it.

Manicure and Pedicure

I had never been to this place because I do not leave the house very often. A year ago, I would have considered diagnosing myself with agoraphobia but I am working through it. I have tried to convince my husband to just walk around with me, everywhere, so I can hold his beard. It is my emotional support beard LOL. He has politely declined. I don’t know why…it’s a mystery.

Anyway, the thought makes me nervous but my husband really does like it when my fingernails are done. So, I went. On a whim. I did it. I sat in the parking lot, for a moment because I didn’t know which door to go in and then I finally got out and went in. It was packed. I almost walked out but the clerk saw me and told me what I needed to do to “sign in.” I couldn’t understand the clerk, the clerk couldn’t understand me. Thank goodness there were signs with pictures. I pointed and smiled. They smiled back and that broke the ice.

Overwhelming Decisions

I’ve had a manicure and pedicure done a couple of times, over the years. It’s not like I don’t enjoy it but I get overwhelmed. There are so many choices of colors, styles, dips, etc. Add that to the fact that I am not familiar with this place, these people, and it was so crowded that I was feeling a panic attack come on.

There are a billion shades of blue….baby, dark, sky, cerulean, powder, glossy, matte, dipped, french tipped, sparkles, do you see what I am putting down? Complete panic. I started sweating in inappropriate places and my eyes glossed over due to the volume in the place (music and chatter), the fluorescent lights, and the sheer magnitude of options.

I decided on a color for my toes and a french-tip manicure. We move to the chair for the pedicure and the little fella slaps his latex gloves on his hands. I sit, uncomfortably, and contemplate whether or not I’m getting a pedicure or a pelvic exam. I was ready to bolt but chose to stay, keys in hand, and see how this was going to go down.

Awkwardness x10

This was the most awkward I have felt in a long time. He did a great job with the pedicure but when you start “massaging” my feet/calves with gloves, you can count me out. I was trying to indicate that I had had enough and that he needed to remove his gloved hands from my legs and let me up. I guess he noticed me squirming and he wrapped it up.

The manicure made me sweat. He had a hard time understanding me, even with pictures. He did a great job, so I can’t complain. I was pleased with the outcome. However, what I thought was going to cost less than $70 was more like almost $90 due to me wanting a french-tip. Apparently, they charge differently with gel and it costs an extra $15 for the white tips to be painted on. I was not prepared for the cost.

By the time I got out, I cried all the way home. Pitiful. I know. That is just how I am wired. I do not like to get out, at all. Typically, I stay home, go to my parents, church, or work. That’s it. If I can’t order it and have it delivered to my house or the business has a “to-go” window, I am good. If I have to get out, 1/2 the time I won’t even go.

Anxiety

I have always been an introvert and a homebody but it has definitely gotten worse over the last few years. My husband would love to go out more but it is just exhausting at the mere thought for me. My anxiety can lead to a panic attack, which isn’t fun. I stood in the doorway of Ulta and immediately started sweating and crying.

I called my husband because he was able to encourage me, tell me what I am there for because I forgot, and where it was. Luckily, a sweet girl came up to assist and basically just talked me off the ledge. She did so by telling me her story and me giving her a mini session while she just handed me the things I wanted. If I can do what I love and dissociate from the lights, smells, and people…I am set to go. I was completely calm when I left because I got to help someone in need while she helped me.

Long Story Long

Do not let your mental health define you. Learn to find what helps you cope and lean into it. You are not weak for struggling. You are strong for admitting it and finding ways to handle it. I have found my ways (emotional support beard). When I am good, I do more. When I am struggling, I do less. It is as simple as that. I have tremendous anxiety, a touch of OCD, and a significant amount of depression. However, I can still do hard things even if those things don’t seem hard to someone else. Be kind to others. Be kind to yourself. You can do hard things!

 

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The End of Social Media

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The End of Social Media

The End of Social Media

The End of Social Media has begun in my world. Several months ago, I deleted all my social media accounts. I still watch videos on Youtube but have unsubscribed from 98% of what I was watching. On Youtube, I have a playlist of praise and worship songs, Teddy swims playlist, a cooking channel, and some work related channels. I do not post on Youtube at all. Facebook, instagram, LinkedIn (is that even a social media site?) are all done. Pinterest may be something I still have but I  never go on there. Frankly, Pinterest stresses me out. I don’t understand it, Pinterest is overwhelming and I have no desire to look there at all.

Is There a Reason?

There are a lot of reasons that I “unplugged” from social media. The number one thing is that I didn’t feel safe, it took up time, the little squares of life are so deceitful, and I was comparing myself to others way too much.

Do you ever look at where you spend your time? At stoplights, doctors offices’, bathrooms, at the table, when you are bored, etc. I found myself aimlessly scrolling. I didn’t want my grandkids and children to see me with a screen in front of my face. There was one point, I walked into the living room and all my children were scrolling their phones, as was my husband.

I was not making human connections and I was dissociating through social media. The people I followed, that I thought had it all together and made all the things look perfect, well… there is no perfect. One lady, with 8 kids and homeschools, her husband is allegedly abusive and they are getting a divorce. Another mom of 8, filthy rich, faithful to her religion, and married for a long time…getting a divorce due to allegedly having an affair. A family vlog mom was arrested due to starving/abusing her 2 youngest kids (out of 6) and is in prison.

Is There a Downside of Deleting?

There are a few downsides of deleting social media. One is that I have lost a dear friend because I deleted my social media and wasn’t good about reaching out to her. That hurts my heart and I tried to explain that I love her but she was hurt and her feelings are valid.

Another downside is that I don’t know what is going on with family. They post, I am sure, all these updates and I’m oblivious to them. Pregnancies, death, graduations, health scares, prayer requests, proms, births, etc if a friend has any of these things, I don’t know unless they text me. I still have messenger, so those that don’t have my cellphone can still message me. When things happen, in my life, I can’t write a post to update everyone. I have to call/text one by one. Clearly, I am not good at reaching out to people.

Overall, I am happy with this decision, though I do miss my friend. My depression was really bad (not due to social media but life) and instead of facing my demons, I dissociated. There has been a lot of soul searching, asking for prayers from my mom, a few trusted people, and my husband.

What do I do Now?

Instead of aimlessly scrolling, I people watch, read, organize pictures, clean my house, listen to my children, play in the floor with my grandchildren, work puzzles, play Scrabble, and organize. I am practicing self-care, and continue to try and reduce my stress. I have strengthened my relationship with my husband, I call my mom (almost daily), and am starting to study for a big test. Life is just as good, if not better, without advertising what I am eating, where I am going, what I am doing, or discussing my children on social media.

It’s good. I challenge you to start small. Turn off your notifications, delete people who are not truly your friends, unfollow some of your “reposting” friends, and delete the app off your phone so you have to go online to get into it. Private ALL your pictures because you never know who is looking and predators are everywhere. DO NOT post pictures of your children’s faces. Keep them safe from the unsavory people of this world. Once you get used to not seeing notifications every 5 seconds, go into settings, save your facebook, instagram, or other social media history and pictures that you have shared and deactivate (not delete) your accounts.

Then….enjoy your freedom and peace.

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Creating Simplicity in a Working Mom’s Life

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Creating Simplicity in a Working Mom’s Life

Creating Simplicity in a Working Mom's Life

Creating Simplicity in a Working Mom’s Life. In this season of life, I need things to be easy. Though most of my children have “flown” from the nest and life is quieter, I am also busier than I have been in a long time. Busier in a different sense than before.

A Realization of my Reality

The other night, I was sitting in the living room, multitasking, due to the fact that if I don’t do something now, I will forget. I was cooking supper, listening to H chatter, hearing about my husband’s day, answering emails, working on a grocery list, and a menu for the upcoming week.

During this chaos, I stopped working, looked at my husband and said “I have cooked, almost daily, for you and the children for almost 31 years.” Don’t get me wrong, I love to cook. When my kids were young, I would freezer cook breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks for a month. I baked, all the time, breads, cookies, and such.

I loved challenging recipes, shelf-cooking, freezer cooking, and experimenting. Now, I am tired. T.I.R.E.D. I have no desire to plan, grocery shop, or cook. It is SO hard cooking for, as many as, 16 people to cooking for a handful.

Not a fan.

My creative juices are sucked up with my job, exhaustion, lack of appetite, and zero desire to work harder than I absolutely have to work. So, my wheels started turning and I have come up with a plan. We shall see how long it lasts.

How My Mind Works

When I start working on my list, I add to it as soon as I realize I am out of something or need something. If I wait until a “normal” time to do it all at once, I will certainly forget. One of the first things I do is call my son. He comes over during his lunch hour occasionally and I want to make sure I have things that he likes here.

The next thing I do is figure out who, out of my children, gets to pick supper for our Saturday dinners. When I figure that out, they create that menu and I ask if someone else wants something specific. I add that to my order. Then, I order things that my grandchildren need/want to make sure they have plenty of snacks and food they will eat when they are here. Lastly, I work on the menu and order what I need. I am very good at not wasting food.

Sundays, I don’t cook. Tuesdays, my husband makes me a pizza. Wednesday, we eat out (most nights). Saturday, a different person per week chooses the menu. That leaves me with Monday, Thursday, and Friday.

Here’s the Plan

I sat down and listed off certain categories of foods that we like.  Soup, Mexican, Italian, Chicken, miscellaneous things, and side dishes. From there, we all picked around 7 (or more) things in each groups that we like. I will use that to rotate throughout the month. For each thing, I will make an editable grocery list for each thing. I will mark off the things we don’t need and checkmark the ones we need. As I cook it, I will post the recipe. I know I have some already posted and I will try and link them back.

Does that make sense? It does in my mind. All we have to do is pick from this list and the grocery list will already be created. I just have to add it to the cart and my husband picks it up. These are SIMPLE things to make and I’m still working on the chicken part. We love chicken but I do not write recipes down, I just make it up as I go. These things, most of them, can be made by my husband if I am just tapped out. That makes it even better.

A “Mostly” List (with the Exception of Chicken)

Soups:

  • Chicken Noodle
  • Chili
  • White Chicken Chili
  • Potato
  • Lasagna
  • Cheeseburger
  • Broccoli and Cheese
  • Zuppa

Mexican:

  • Tacos
  • Mom’s Tacos
  • Taco Ring
  • Chili Cheese Dog Casserole
  • Fajita Casserole
  • Standing Baked Tacos
  • Sheet Pan Nachos

Italian:

  • Spaghetti
  • Baked Spaghetti
  • Lasagna
  • Cheesy Chicken Lasagna
  • Baked Pasta
  • Chicken Alfredo Lasagna with Ravioli
  • Coal Miner’s Pasta
  • Baked Tortellini

Chicken:

  • Alice’s Chicken
  • Pan Fried Chicken breasts
  • Baked Whole Chicken
  • Baked Thighs
  • Fried Chicken
  • 40 Clove Chicken

Side Dishes:

  • Rice (burnt, fried, plain, broccoli & cheese, Mexican style)
  • Green beans (plain or green bean casserole)
  • Corn (or corn casserole)
  • Rolls (cheesy bread, bread, bread sticks)
  • Potatoes (so many kids)
  • Sweet Potatoes
  • Lima beans
  • Peas
  • Macaroni and Cheese
  • Buttered Noodles

Miscellaneous Foods:

  • Breakfast
  • Philly Cheesesteak Sandwiches
  • Kielbasa, broccoli, onion, mushroom, potato, peppers sheet pan
  • Goulash
  • Steak
  • Hamburgers and hotdogs
  • Ham and Hashbrown Casserole
  • Pizza
  • Breaded Chops
  • Pork Tenderloin
  • Roast

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Be Careful Little Mouth What You Say

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Be Careful Little Mouth What You Say

Be Careful Little Mouth What You Say

 

Be Careful Little Mouth What You Say because your tongue has the power of life or death. This past week, I was tootling along in life and I get a slap of reality upside the head. My knee jerk reaction is to withdraw and be alone. In that alone time, I continuously beat myself up. My thoughts are not kind at all. Almost immediately, I think that I am not good enough, I will never fit in, no one will ever be friends with me, I am worthless. See what I mean, not kind at all. Then, I think back to what I had said or done, what I could have done differently, and then self-deprecate to an extreme.

Healthy, I know.

Scripture

In Proverbs 18:21 (The Message) it says “Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit – you choose.” I typically do not read out of The Message but the wording in this is really spot on for me. Typically, I read out of the NKJV and so this is the same verse in a different version. “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit.” The Lord is really making me think today. Scripture also talks about the tongue being a double-edged sword.

How many times have I gone against Scripture and said things that I shouldn’t have said to people? That thought is so difficult because I have done that so many times. There are times when I am painfully aware of what I am saying and then there are times, like this one, that I am unaware until the damage has already been done.

Reflecting on This Last Week

There was something that was said to me that just hurt my heart. When I was driving home I kept thinking “why is this bothering me so much?” It stems back to being in school and never fitting in with anyone. I had 1 friend when I was super young, none really throughout elementary, middle, or high school. Honestly, none in my community college. I did have a friend when I started at Murray and we are still friends to this day. Then, there was my Lady. I find it easier to make friends with the elderly or men.

What Is Swirling in My Mind Now

Honestly, is how I speak to myself, my husband, children, etc. If, at 51, one statement can make me feel so small and “less than” how do the people that I am with feel when I say something stupid without thinking. I have to realize that not everything that enters my mind needs to exit my mouth. That has always been difficult for me because I see that as “speaking my mind.” In speaking my mind, I am hurting others without really even knowing.

I feel like that statement doesn’t make sense when I type it but it is SO clear in my head. What the enemy meant for destruction, the Lord is teaching me a valuable truth. I get so frustrated with the situations within my family, mind, work, etc. My hope and prayer is that I use this time to reflect on, not the negative, but the positive things about myself. I hope that this continues to be a reminder that I need to be mindful of my words. My prayer is that my words can now give life instead of pain.

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Overwhelming To-Do List

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Overwhelming To-Do List

Overwhelming To-Do List

Overwhelming To-Do List is looming and all I seem to be doing is staring it down and seeing who will be the first to move. Will it be the list that lessens by one, magically OR will I be the one that tackles it? It’s a mystery. There are 7 Sundays left until Christmas. I am the person that most people can’t stand because my Christmas shopping is done by July.

Welp.

It’s not done.

No where near done, in fact.

I am close to panicking.

My Over Productive Brain

Honestly, I see the smallest things that, in my house, that I consider the nastiest thing in the world. Lately, there has been a smell that I can’t quite pinpoint, but it is there. Granted, no one else can smell it, but I do. It’s like when I was pregnant and had the nose of a bloodhound. The smell is there, it’s my job to find it.

I have yet to find it.

Aside from this smell, I feel my house is disgusting because the baseboards are gross, my window sills have families of spiders living in them, there are leaves everywhere outside, the weeds are everywhere, and so much dust. I can’t stand it. In the back of my mind, I know that it is fine, but the rest of me is screaming CLEAN YOUR HOUSE!

It drives my husband nuts.

Living the Stay At Home Mom Life

When I was a SAHM for 30 years, my house never got really dirty. I cleaned everyday. Everyday, there was a meal on the table. There was not a spot that was not painfully organized including my husbands 32 mini drawer nuts/bolts/nail holder that I organized by measured length, size, and shape. That might have been an issue because I was stoked, he wasn’t…I cried. It was a whole thing.

Things have changed since I went back to work. He helps more, I do less, and sometimes we eat what we can find. I hate that and I want to do better but I just don’t have time. Honestly, I didn’t think I had time when I was a SAHM and now I really don’t have time.

All The Things and Then Some

Between my doctor appointments, I have H’s doctor appointments, school stuff, work stuff, parental unit stuff, other kid stuff, and life. Lest I forget that 4 hour test I have to take for my licensure that I’m just now studying for, the ADHD-CCSP certification that is a 32 hr continuing education course I paid to do, and I’m taking classes on ASL so I can help a population of people that are not served well in our community. I just haven’t found my groove yet.

Yesterday, I Multi-Tasked

In between my cleaning, I got the grocery order done and my menu for the week finished. Also, I finished Christmas shopping for my mother-in-law (her gifts to my kids) and my mom. I also ordered some Christmas for my son-in-law and daughter-in-law, so that is done. Then, I sent out a group text about the celebrations for this month. My kids were over eating, last night, and we got name drawing done and ironed out the Thanksgiving meal. Also, I cleaned up the house after dinner, so all my husband had to do was sweep. There was not an inch of this house that was not cleaned, swept, dusted, or mopped. It really did my heart good.

Stressful Times

There are some things going on, right now, in my family that is causing some emotions in me. I process those emotions by A) getting sick B) having a PsA flare up C) hyper-organizing D) obsessively cleaning E) bouts of crying F) shows of anger G) cooking more than we can eat in a week.

I’ve done all those things and feel like that is going to continue until I have made peace with what is going on. Frankly, in my eyes, there is no making peace with it all. I just have to accept it but that doesn’t seem like it is going to happen anytime soon. Geez, there is so much I wanna say and I will…just not tonight because I hear my husband’s footsteps and that means he is fixing to come to bed.

My To-Do List

It will continue to grow.

Here are my goals:

  • Do something in small pockets of time throughout the day.
  • Take a lunch to drive and breathe
  • Finish Christmas shopping
  • Continue to feed my people and my parents
  • Pet my cat
  • Make appointments
  • Get bloodwork done
  • Attempt to participate in therapy
  • Do my job well
  • Keep my house cleaned up, daily, to keep me from getting overwhelmed
  • Find my crockpot recipes so we can eat a homemade meal again
  • Write a letter of clarity to someone I love because I’m done being manipulated
  • Stay in my own lane
  • Hopefully feel better by eating better
  • That reminds me…I need to start eating, that would be helpful

I’m sure there is more, but now I am tired and my body is already hurting. It’s like it knows to hurt all night just to give me a thrill. Sigh. Tomorrow is a new day…filled with new promises.

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Adjusting to Returning to Work

Adjusting to Returning to Work since I started about 7 months ago. This has been something I have wanted to do for a long time. However, circumstances in my life have prevented it. Frankly, when I got this job, I was still constantly afraid that they made a mistake. Realistically, I thought I would get fired quickly because they would see through me.

I’m not sure what exactly I thought they would “see” through me, but it was still a constant narrative in my head. Honestly, I never thought I would ever get hired anywhere because of lack of experience. I definitely had the education and life experience but not “work” experience.

Previous Work Experience

I haven’t worked for another human since I was 20 years old. That was 30 years ago, so answering to others and following rules are not my strength. I have not been told what to wear in a long time. Wearing what is comfortable is priority but what is comfortable is not always appropriate.

My last job was as a secretary for the chief engineer at our local college. I ran errands, answered phones, and learned this complicated new thing called a computer. It was simple, manageable, and I mainly worked with a bunch of men. There was not one single person that cared what I wore or how my hair was in that entire facility.

Men are not complicated humans. There is no gossip, backbiting, lashing out, emotional moments or anything like that at all. I think there was 1 man who was a little high strung but I just didn’t interact with him much.

At my new job, I have a dress code that I have to follow. It is not hard LOL, just not my norm. Right now, I work with 1 man and the rest are women. That is totally different, so I also had to learn to adjust to this new dynamic. It was (is) a hard adjustment to make when you have that one experience and then for the last 30 years just been a mom.

Logistics of the Job

I go to 2 offices in 2 locations. This arrangment was something I had to do in order to be full time and still acccommodate my family. At the end of the day, family will always come first. Thankfully, this company understands that concept.

These 2 locations were not only in 2 different towns but they are 2 totally different vibes. 1 location is very professional, blocked off (in terms of how the office is laid out), and quiet. The section location is game on 100% of the time with a more laid back feel. It is the same work, just wildly different.

Professionalism is a high priority in both places but one is just a little different than the other. I had to figure out how to do my job properly, interact with staff, learn the computer system, and not drown. That is a feat in an of itself.

Overall…Me as a Human

By nature, I am an introvert. I really do not get out that much. Interacting with clients is my jam, but figuring out everything else was a challenge. I was so afraid that if I said the wrong thing, wore the wrong thing, etc, that I would be fired.

In my effort to fit in (again not my strong suit), I tried to be myself. Granted, I don’t “look” like myself because my hair is not pink or purple (and I’m going bald). I couldn’t dress like myself because I have to wear clothes that I am not comfortable in but I am figuring it all out.

I am a loud human. My whisper is loud. I am, typically, not one to shy away from confrontation and my face does not always dictate what my mind is saying or my heart is feeling. My goal is always for acceptance, kindness, and  helping when I can.

Learning and Adjusting

I am still learning and adjusting to going to an office everyday. From there, I am learning how to maintain my home, family life, self-care, etc. It has not been easy. I am so tired by the end of the day, my family can sometimes come away with scraps because I am “peopled” out.

It has all been a work in progress. I love what I do and I love the fact that my boss has compassion for me. That is a huge positive. My family continue to be supportive and understanding.

My point is this…you can start over at any age and stage of your life. There will be a learning curve but you will adjust and you will survive! So far, I am and that says a lot.

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Let’s Talk About Loneliness

Let's Talk About Loneliness

Let’s Talk About Loneliness. According to Webster’s dictionary being lonely means without company OR cut off from others. I have been reading a book by Sheila Walsh called “Holding on When You Want to Let Go.” It is a very good read. I have have the pleasure of hearing her speak, in person, at the Women of Faith conferences that I have attended many times. She is an excellent speaker, writer, songbird, and more. Sheila Walsh is very relatable in a lot of areas. She is not immune to the hardships of life, but she holds onto her faith.

Being Alone and Feeling Alone

These two things are not the same. In her book, Sheila Walsh states that “being alone can be a beautiful thing, a time of rest, of reflection, of quiet. Feeling alone is a strange thing. You can be in a crowd and feel alone. you can be loved and feel alone. Feeling alone is like a silent ache, a feeling that you don’t belong, you don’t fit in, you’re not like everyone else. Feeling alone doesn’t need to make sense; it just is. It’s a gnawing ache inside. It’s like a piece is missing from your soul.”

That passage created a feeling in me and my brain began swirling and twirling. A few years ago, my sister, mom, and me went to meet my other sister for a day visit. We had been talking about it for a while and it was time to set a date and make it happen. My sister lives about 7 hours away and we don’t see each other as much as we would all like. It was such a good day.

That Ache of a Feeling

Once we got to our destination and we all loved on each other, we headed for food!  It is so nice to sit at a restaurant, enjoy each other’s company and laughter, and to be near family. For me, however, that moment was like an out of body experience. I was watching my sisters and Oak laugh, cry, eat, and just fellowship yet I felt so alone. This intrusive thought of “I don’t belong” permeated my brain. Did my family do that? Heck no. It was just that…an intrusive thought.

I was surrounded by people that love me and I love them yet my core felt empty, sad, and alone. That is something I never shared with them. Honestly, if they read this blog (which I don’t think they do LOL), that statement will make them wonder what is wrong with me.

Tolerating

Another passage from this book exemplifies how I felt during this interaction. ‘{I} felt like I didn’t measure up. I felt like I was not enough. {I} felt like I was tolerated rather than welcomed. I felt deep down there was something wrong with me. {I} looked at other who seemed happy and together, and i knew I’d never be like that.’

Honestly, I have felt like that at family dinner’s, in my own home, church, etc. These thoughts, I know, are from satan and I had to capture them. We had such a great visit once I extricated those thoughts. It had the potential to really cause harm, in my mind and spirit but I was able to recognize them immediately.

Depression Related?

This may or may not be related to depression, I really don’t know. I just know that it sucked to feel so lonely around so many people who love me. Do they always agree with me? Nope. There are times I don’t agree with them. Do we always like each other? I guess that is relative LOL. We love each other, completely, that I know.

Depression has been something that has been woven in and out of my tapestry for many years. I believe my doctor diagnosed me with clinical depression when I was like 19 years old. So much has changed, that that isn’t even in the DSM-5-TR anymore. Now it is labeled Major Depressive Disorder…mild, moderate, or severe. My depression comes in waves. There are periods of time that things are good and then there are times when I am deep in a hole. It is not fun but I know that I am not alone. I have a village.

Suicide Hotline

If you ever feel alone, please call 988 and talk to the person on the other end. You are not alone and they answer the phone 24/7. If you have intrusive thoughts, please get in to see a counselor, call 988, 911, talk to a friend or a pastor because intrusive thoughts are hard and they are scary but they are not real! You are valued, loved, wanted, and you make this world a better place by being in it.

To my sisters and my Oak…thank you for loving me well.

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Grandparenthood - The Greatest Role

Grandparenthood – The Greatest Role that I have ever been in to date. Oh my goodness. Can you even handle the cuteness of that picture??!! My grandchildren are phenomenal human beings and if I am blessed with more, that would be amazing. If I simply get to be the best Yayi ever to these 2 cuties…I am just as happy!

My kids have made a giant sacrifice to come hang out and have dinner every Friday night. I love it. Honestly, I know that it is hard and probably inconvenient for them but it fills my cup so much. I love having my children all around my table. The loud conversations, babies into everything, food cooking, kids eating out of the pans, everything to me is wonderful.

Silence

Since so many of my kids have moved out, my house is so quiet. I has been hard to transition from cooking for 14 people on any given night, to cooking for 4 and I am not a fan. The chaos is comforting to me, so when my kids come to my house, it is just bliss. I look forward to my Friday nights every week!

Lately, I have been picking a kid and I cook what they want for that evening. I started at the end of July with my 5th child. This seems to make my kids feel like they have a say and we are guaranteed they will like what I fix. Now, I have some “extra” kids that I may have to make something a little different for them, but I don’t even care. I will do what you want if you just come and hang out!

Grandparenthood

Frankly, I was prepared. I was thrilled when my oldest daughter got pregnant but my mind went to “I will never be like my Granny or my mom for that matter.” In my eye, grandmothers have short hair, gray, and wear bifocals and floral prints. I had pink/purple hair that was long and I don’t own florals. However, I do have bifocals. Seriously, I thought those were prerequisites and that I was ill-equipped.

There is nothing quite like the feeling of walking into a room and a child burst into a smile and scrambling to get closer to you. I bring them joy simply by doing that. They want nothing from me but to walk into a room. That fills my heart to a capacity that I didn’t even know existed. I feel like when the Grinch goes from this stone heart to it exploding.

Pure joy.

My Grandchildren

Then Charleigh as born. Oh. My. Word. First, watching my daughter evolve into the best mommy ever was amazing. Holy Cow. Then, they placed this perfection in my arms and I was done. Simply stick a fork in me, I am done. She was so tiny and beautiful with these giant eyes! We prayed for her to get her daddy’s big eyes and cow eyelashes and she did. However, she looks so much like Bug…my heart. I took care of her while they worked and it was glorious.

Next up, Apollo. Stop it right now. That child. His birth was a bit more traumatic then Charleigh’s and he was tinier than she was but good grief. That boy. I watched my second daughter sacrifice her life to bring this boy into the world a bit early. This was during covid and I could only stay for so long, in the hospital caring for my baby child. Whereas when Bug had Charleigh, I was blessed with night shift while she was there. Again, watching my second daughter rock this whole motherhood thing makes me think I did something right when I raised her!

Blessing Upon Blessing

I would love to show their faces. They, to me, look like a healthy dose of my daughters with a splash of their daddies! I love it and their unique qualities. Charleigh is content bringing all her toys and putting them in your lap or sitting and reading a book with you. Apollo never stops moving and prefers to go go go instead of being held. They love opera and the rat pack. Both the kids love to be read to and sung to with hand motions, of course. If a song doesn’t have hand motions, we invent them.

I would love as many grandchildren that my children want to have because they are what this world needs more of. However, I respect my children, their desires, their bodies, and their choices and if 2 is all I will ever have, then I am totally good with that. These two grandchildren….geez….if you could only see/hear them.

Our names were supposed to be Lolli and Pop. Charleigh started calling us Yayi and Poop. Now, it is mainly Yayi, mom mom, Llllllllllooollllllliiiii, and a consistent Pop. Apollo can say Pop but not Yayi (or Lolli) but we are working on it. He just meets us with this grin that is the best thing ever.

Sigh…….I love them and I love this role!

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Deion Sanders Quote on What Other People Think

Deion Sanders Quote on What Other People Think is something I ran across a few days ago. I have watched it on and off for those few days and each time I see it, I want to holler “can you say that louder for the people in the back?!” Then, I realize that that is not how I think. Honestly, I try not to let other people’s opinions matter but they do get to me and then I question all the things. It is exhausting.

Deion Sanders Opinion of Me

“I don’t care about anyone’s opinion of me. What about me makes you think I care about what your opinion is about me? Your opinion of me is not the opinion I have about myself. You didn’t make me, so you can’t break me. You didn’t build me, so you can’t kill me. God established me so there is ain’t nothing you can do to me…..I don’t care and I wish the world thought like that. Youngster’s do not give a darn about what opinions others have of you as long as that opinion is not consistent with yourself. You be you.”

Drop the Mic

WOW! I have heard my husband talk about him, but I am not a sports person, so therefore I will have to google who he has played for and such. With that being said, that statement, alone, makes me stand up and listen. I will say again, I have parents that love me and I was raised with morals, ethics, family support, and all the things. Yes, there were bumps in the road and things that were not pleasant but that is typical of any family.

I really don’t know why I think the way I do and have such self-doubt. It just always has been. That isn’t for lack of encouragement and my family believing in me because they did. Have they agreed with everything? I doubt it but they still love me and cheer me on. If I am honest, I don’t always agree with them, but I still love them and cheer for them as well. That’s called be a part of a family.

As I was Sitting Outside

I took a pause to call my Oak and take my dog out, my neighbor was outside. We live in a subdivision (gag) but the positive thing is that we live in a cul-de-sac where no cars come except for us, the mailman, and my 1 neighbor. When we moved in, we introduced ourselves and I took them dinner one night.

Then, his opinion of me changed and now every time we are all outside, together, it feels as if he looks at me with disgust and judgement. My knee jerk reaction is A) to confront him and use my non-adult words B) to move again. Neither of those are options so I just watch them and their stares and head shaking. They are disgusted, I am sure, of the things they think have been said/done.

So, mister man…reread the quote by Deion Sanders. I am holding my head high, waving as you walk or drive by, keeping my dog out of your yard (I have apologized for that), and I am not going to think mean thoughts about you. Your feet are not under my table, you are not my family, I do not owe you any explanation in the history of ever so your opinion of me (and my family) does not matter to me.

That really does feel better. Now, I have to use that thought process through the rest of my interactions until Jesus calls me home.

 

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