Tag: life or something like it

Faith Journey, Life or Something Like It

Processing Information I Would Rather Not

Barefoot Faith Journey

Processing Information I Would Rather Not

Processing Information I Would Rather Not

Processing Information I Would Rather Not but here we are…processing it like a boss (or baby boss). I can’t even begin to explain what has happened in my life in the last 6 years (really 18 but whose counting). There has been physical loss of my Lady, two dear friends, health issues with my family and my self, loss of churches, leaving a home, moving, going back to work, the inner workings within my core family, dealing with aging parents, and almost the loss of my marriage.

I’m Not Perfect

Doubt

I’m not always kind.

My tongue is my worst enemy.

Honestly, my temper can rival my tongue.

The feelings of losing my faith.

Isolation.

Depression.

Anxiety.

Fear.

Loss of hope.

Pain.

This feeling of a deep deep sadness that I can’t even explain.

Somewhere, I lost my way. My faith was wavering…I was bent, however, not broken. The realizations of my dad’s health scare took the wind right out of me. I was not prepared for that. I was prepared when he had his stroke. I knew what to do. I was prepared when he had his open heart surgery. This took me by surprise.

It is Hard to Explain

Last October was the last time my dad was in my home. I knew something was wrong that night because I had to “hoist” him up one step to get into my house. He had no strength in his legs. In reality he had a TON of fluid on both of his calves. So much fluid that it was literally oozing out but we never saw because I don’t see my daddy’s bare legs that often.

He was moving slower and just seemed tired. Also, he was losing weight and we couldn’t figure out why. As he states, in the summer, he sweats off all his weight and in the winter he packs it back on. This time, it was the opposite. He lost 42 lbs from Nov 2-the end of December. No one could figure out what was going on and for his privacy, I will leave it at that.

Birthday and Holiday Season

I distinctly remember the day I had either a conference call with my sisters or I maybe I was just talking to one of them but it was close to my birthday. I had a simple question of “will this be my last birthday with daddy.” Silence. My heart sunk and I couldn’t find a breath to even breathe. I wanted my birthday to come and go without notice.

Thanksgiving…Christmas…all was different. We came together, as a family, rallied, prayed, helped, fought and thankfully, today daddy is so much better. He just turned 80 and my Oak turned 78. I know life is but a vaper and so many people lose their parents at way younger ages. However, life without them seems…wrong.

We left our home, suddenly, and without a word to a single person, outside of family. This was something I had, silently, been thinking on and then our world came crashing down. When it did, I knew that I knew that I had to get out. The memories, though some were precious and I hold dear, were too much for me to bear and I had to leave. I no longer felt safe and that wreaked havoc on my mental state.

Recently, A Big Deal Happened

About a month ago, on a Saturday, my husband went to town. I thought he was going to the post office but then I got a call that said daddy was on his way. Daddy has not been to my house since that day in October.

I. Was. Giddy.

I ran around, straightening things up and getting my clothes on and thinking “what can I feed him.” Then, I heard his truck and I bolted outside. Bless his heart, he couldn’t even get the door open and I was like a 10 year old child jumping up and down with tears streaming down my face.

He knew.

He knew the last time he was here. He remembered that we thought he wasn’t going to live. Those conversations of making final plans still bounce around in my head. He popped out with a smile and didn’t even have his cane.  I asked him if he could come in and he said that he couldn’t come up the stairs, so he leaned on the truck and I just basked in the beauty of him standing in front of my house. It was freaking beautiful and he knew it was beautiful. My husband knew, my Oak knew…we all knew that this was a moment I would never forget.

Moments Like This

In a moment like that one, I remember to hold onto hope and hold onto the One that sustains me. Even though I still don’t understand why things have happened the way they have, He still loves me. Depression, anxiety, fear…His shoulders are big enough to carry all of that and more. He is waiting for me to turn my head towards Him instead of away from Him in anger or hurt.

When I stop and think back, I remember all of us begging our mom to divorce daddy. He wasn’t walking with the Lord. Mom knew that God was bigger and through the years, she prayed for him even when he wasn’t kind to her. Her story is one that I would love to share and his, as well. I can also remember the day that she forgave him and I remember the day my daddy found Jesus.

My daddy loves the Lord, loves my Oak, and loves his family. I am so thankful now, though all I saw was pain when I was in it. The Lord sees the big picture. We just see the lamp at our feet. One step at a time. One moment at a time. One breath prayer at a time. Faith of a mustard seed is what we are called to have. My mom had that tiny mustard and eventually they, together and with the Lord at the front, have created a legacy.

I’m so thankful she didn’t listen to us kids. Soon…Pop will be walking into my house to sit at his spot at the table with my children and grandchildren around him, eating supper. I feel it. It’s gonna happen.

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One of the Most Stressful Times of my Life

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One of the Most Stressful Times of my Life

One of the Most Stressful Times of my Life

One of the Most Stressful Times of my Life is practicing self-care. I have had a hard few weeks and I thought I would do something nice for myself. I’m telling you, the last 3 weeks have been so difficult. Honestly, if it could go wrong, it went wrong. My heart has hurt both personally and professionally.

The stress of juggling home life and work life has been a bit overwhelming for me. It has been a year since I started working and I have sort of found my groove. I lied. There is no groove. I am flitting between the ditches on the sides of the road.

In that “I have some time today, let’s do something wild,” kind of moment…I, indeed, did something wild. There was a gift card in my purse that I have had since Christmas. Today was the day that I was gonna use it.

Manicure and Pedicure

I had never been to this place because I do not leave the house very often. A year ago, I would have considered diagnosing myself with agoraphobia but I am working through it. I have tried to convince my husband to just walk around with me, everywhere, so I can hold his beard. It is my emotional support beard LOL. He has politely declined. I don’t know why…it’s a mystery.

Anyway, the thought makes me nervous but my husband really does like it when my fingernails are done. So, I went. On a whim. I did it. I sat in the parking lot, for a moment because I didn’t know which door to go in and then I finally got out and went in. It was packed. I almost walked out but the clerk saw me and told me what I needed to do to “sign in.” I couldn’t understand the clerk, the clerk couldn’t understand me. Thank goodness there were signs with pictures. I pointed and smiled. They smiled back and that broke the ice.

Overwhelming Decisions

I’ve had a manicure and pedicure done a couple of times, over the years. It’s not like I don’t enjoy it but I get overwhelmed. There are so many choices of colors, styles, dips, etc. Add that to the fact that I am not familiar with this place, these people, and it was so crowded that I was feeling a panic attack come on.

There are a billion shades of blue….baby, dark, sky, cerulean, powder, glossy, matte, dipped, french tipped, sparkles, do you see what I am putting down? Complete panic. I started sweating in inappropriate places and my eyes glossed over due to the volume in the place (music and chatter), the fluorescent lights, and the sheer magnitude of options.

I decided on a color for my toes and a french-tip manicure. We move to the chair for the pedicure and the little fella slaps his latex gloves on his hands. I sit, uncomfortably, and contemplate whether or not I’m getting a pedicure or a pelvic exam. I was ready to bolt but chose to stay, keys in hand, and see how this was going to go down.

Awkwardness x10

This was the most awkward I have felt in a long time. He did a great job with the pedicure but when you start “massaging” my feet/calves with gloves, you can count me out. I was trying to indicate that I had had enough and that he needed to remove his gloved hands from my legs and let me up. I guess he noticed me squirming and he wrapped it up.

The manicure made me sweat. He had a hard time understanding me, even with pictures. He did a great job, so I can’t complain. I was pleased with the outcome. However, what I thought was going to cost less than $70 was more like almost $90 due to me wanting a french-tip. Apparently, they charge differently with gel and it costs an extra $15 for the white tips to be painted on. I was not prepared for the cost.

By the time I got out, I cried all the way home. Pitiful. I know. That is just how I am wired. I do not like to get out, at all. Typically, I stay home, go to my parents, church, or work. That’s it. If I can’t order it and have it delivered to my house or the business has a “to-go” window, I am good. If I have to get out, 1/2 the time I won’t even go.

Anxiety

I have always been an introvert and a homebody but it has definitely gotten worse over the last few years. My husband would love to go out more but it is just exhausting at the mere thought for me. My anxiety can lead to a panic attack, which isn’t fun. I stood in the doorway of Ulta and immediately started sweating and crying.

I called my husband because he was able to encourage me, tell me what I am there for because I forgot, and where it was. Luckily, a sweet girl came up to assist and basically just talked me off the ledge. She did so by telling me her story and me giving her a mini session while she just handed me the things I wanted. If I can do what I love and dissociate from the lights, smells, and people…I am set to go. I was completely calm when I left because I got to help someone in need while she helped me.

Long Story Long

Do not let your mental health define you. Learn to find what helps you cope and lean into it. You are not weak for struggling. You are strong for admitting it and finding ways to handle it. I have found my ways (emotional support beard). When I am good, I do more. When I am struggling, I do less. It is as simple as that. I have tremendous anxiety, a touch of OCD, and a significant amount of depression. However, I can still do hard things even if those things don’t seem hard to someone else. Be kind to others. Be kind to yourself. You can do hard things!

 

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The End of Social Media

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The End of Social Media

The End of Social Media

The End of Social Media has begun in my world. Several months ago, I deleted all my social media accounts. I still watch videos on Youtube but have unsubscribed from 98% of what I was watching. On Youtube, I have a playlist of praise and worship songs, Teddy swims playlist, a cooking channel, and some work related channels. I do not post on Youtube at all. Facebook, instagram, LinkedIn (is that even a social media site?) are all done. Pinterest may be something I still have but I  never go on there. Frankly, Pinterest stresses me out. I don’t understand it, Pinterest is overwhelming and I have no desire to look there at all.

Is There a Reason?

There are a lot of reasons that I “unplugged” from social media. The number one thing is that I didn’t feel safe, it took up time, the little squares of life are so deceitful, and I was comparing myself to others way too much.

Do you ever look at where you spend your time? At stoplights, doctors offices’, bathrooms, at the table, when you are bored, etc. I found myself aimlessly scrolling. I didn’t want my grandkids and children to see me with a screen in front of my face. There was one point, I walked into the living room and all my children were scrolling their phones, as was my husband.

I was not making human connections and I was dissociating through social media. The people I followed, that I thought had it all together and made all the things look perfect, well… there is no perfect. One lady, with 8 kids and homeschools, her husband is allegedly abusive and they are getting a divorce. Another mom of 8, filthy rich, faithful to her religion, and married for a long time…getting a divorce due to allegedly having an affair. A family vlog mom was arrested due to starving/abusing her 2 youngest kids (out of 6) and is in prison.

Is There a Downside of Deleting?

There are a few downsides of deleting social media. One is that I have lost a dear friend because I deleted my social media and wasn’t good about reaching out to her. That hurts my heart and I tried to explain that I love her but she was hurt and her feelings are valid.

Another downside is that I don’t know what is going on with family. They post, I am sure, all these updates and I’m oblivious to them. Pregnancies, death, graduations, health scares, prayer requests, proms, births, etc if a friend has any of these things, I don’t know unless they text me. I still have messenger, so those that don’t have my cellphone can still message me. When things happen, in my life, I can’t write a post to update everyone. I have to call/text one by one. Clearly, I am not good at reaching out to people.

Overall, I am happy with this decision, though I do miss my friend. My depression was really bad (not due to social media but life) and instead of facing my demons, I dissociated. There has been a lot of soul searching, asking for prayers from my mom, a few trusted people, and my husband.

What do I do Now?

Instead of aimlessly scrolling, I people watch, read, organize pictures, clean my house, listen to my children, play in the floor with my grandchildren, work puzzles, play Scrabble, and organize. I am practicing self-care, and continue to try and reduce my stress. I have strengthened my relationship with my husband, I call my mom (almost daily), and am starting to study for a big test. Life is just as good, if not better, without advertising what I am eating, where I am going, what I am doing, or discussing my children on social media.

It’s good. I challenge you to start small. Turn off your notifications, delete people who are not truly your friends, unfollow some of your “reposting” friends, and delete the app off your phone so you have to go online to get into it. Private ALL your pictures because you never know who is looking and predators are everywhere. DO NOT post pictures of your children’s faces. Keep them safe from the unsavory people of this world. Once you get used to not seeing notifications every 5 seconds, go into settings, save your facebook, instagram, or other social media history and pictures that you have shared and deactivate (not delete) your accounts.

Then….enjoy your freedom and peace.

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Creating Simplicity in a Working Mom’s Life

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Creating Simplicity in a Working Mom’s Life

Creating Simplicity in a Working Mom's Life

Creating Simplicity in a Working Mom’s Life. In this season of life, I need things to be easy. Though most of my children have “flown” from the nest and life is quieter, I am also busier than I have been in a long time. Busier in a different sense than before.

A Realization of my Reality

The other night, I was sitting in the living room, multitasking, due to the fact that if I don’t do something now, I will forget. I was cooking supper, listening to H chatter, hearing about my husband’s day, answering emails, working on a grocery list, and a menu for the upcoming week.

During this chaos, I stopped working, looked at my husband and said “I have cooked, almost daily, for you and the children for almost 31 years.” Don’t get me wrong, I love to cook. When my kids were young, I would freezer cook breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks for a month. I baked, all the time, breads, cookies, and such.

I loved challenging recipes, shelf-cooking, freezer cooking, and experimenting. Now, I am tired. T.I.R.E.D. I have no desire to plan, grocery shop, or cook. It is SO hard cooking for, as many as, 16 people to cooking for a handful.

Not a fan.

My creative juices are sucked up with my job, exhaustion, lack of appetite, and zero desire to work harder than I absolutely have to work. So, my wheels started turning and I have come up with a plan. We shall see how long it lasts.

How My Mind Works

When I start working on my list, I add to it as soon as I realize I am out of something or need something. If I wait until a “normal” time to do it all at once, I will certainly forget. One of the first things I do is call my son. He comes over during his lunch hour occasionally and I want to make sure I have things that he likes here.

The next thing I do is figure out who, out of my children, gets to pick supper for our Saturday dinners. When I figure that out, they create that menu and I ask if someone else wants something specific. I add that to my order. Then, I order things that my grandchildren need/want to make sure they have plenty of snacks and food they will eat when they are here. Lastly, I work on the menu and order what I need. I am very good at not wasting food.

Sundays, I don’t cook. Tuesdays, my husband makes me a pizza. Wednesday, we eat out (most nights). Saturday, a different person per week chooses the menu. That leaves me with Monday, Thursday, and Friday.

Here’s the Plan

I sat down and listed off certain categories of foods that we like.  Soup, Mexican, Italian, Chicken, miscellaneous things, and side dishes. From there, we all picked around 7 (or more) things in each groups that we like. I will use that to rotate throughout the month. For each thing, I will make an editable grocery list for each thing. I will mark off the things we don’t need and checkmark the ones we need. As I cook it, I will post the recipe. I know I have some already posted and I will try and link them back.

Does that make sense? It does in my mind. All we have to do is pick from this list and the grocery list will already be created. I just have to add it to the cart and my husband picks it up. These are SIMPLE things to make and I’m still working on the chicken part. We love chicken but I do not write recipes down, I just make it up as I go. These things, most of them, can be made by my husband if I am just tapped out. That makes it even better.

A “Mostly” List (with the Exception of Chicken)

Soups:

  • Chicken Noodle
  • Chili
  • White Chicken Chili
  • Potato
  • Lasagna
  • Cheeseburger
  • Broccoli and Cheese
  • Zuppa

Mexican:

  • Tacos
  • Mom’s Tacos
  • Taco Ring
  • Chili Cheese Dog Casserole
  • Fajita Casserole
  • Standing Baked Tacos
  • Sheet Pan Nachos

Italian:

  • Spaghetti
  • Baked Spaghetti
  • Lasagna
  • Cheesy Chicken Lasagna
  • Baked Pasta
  • Chicken Alfredo Lasagna with Ravioli
  • Coal Miner’s Pasta
  • Baked Tortellini

Chicken:

  • Alice’s Chicken
  • Pan Fried Chicken breasts
  • Baked Whole Chicken
  • Baked Thighs
  • Fried Chicken
  • 40 Clove Chicken

Side Dishes:

  • Rice (burnt, fried, plain, broccoli & cheese, Mexican style)
  • Green beans (plain or green bean casserole)
  • Corn (or corn casserole)
  • Rolls (cheesy bread, bread, bread sticks)
  • Potatoes (so many kids)
  • Sweet Potatoes
  • Lima beans
  • Peas
  • Macaroni and Cheese
  • Buttered Noodles

Miscellaneous Foods:

  • Breakfast
  • Philly Cheesesteak Sandwiches
  • Kielbasa, broccoli, onion, mushroom, potato, peppers sheet pan
  • Goulash
  • Steak
  • Hamburgers and hotdogs
  • Ham and Hashbrown Casserole
  • Pizza
  • Breaded Chops
  • Pork Tenderloin
  • Roast

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Adjusting to Returning to Work

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Adjusting to Returning to Work

Adjusting to Returning to Work

Adjusting to Returning to Work since I started about 7 months ago. This has been something I have wanted to do for a long time. However, circumstances in my life have prevented it. Frankly, when I got this job, I was still constantly afraid that they made a mistake. Realistically, I thought I would get fired quickly because they would see through me.

I’m not sure what exactly I thought they would “see” through me, but it was still a constant narrative in my head. Honestly, I never thought I would ever get hired anywhere because of lack of experience. I definitely had the education and life experience but not “work” experience.

Previous Work Experience

I haven’t worked for another human since I was 20 years old. That was 30 years ago, so answering to others and following rules are not my strength. I have not been told what to wear in a long time. Wearing what is comfortable is priority but what is comfortable is not always appropriate.

My last job was as a secretary for the chief engineer at our local college. I ran errands, answered phones, and learned this complicated new thing called a computer. It was simple, manageable, and I mainly worked with a bunch of men. There was not one single person that cared what I wore or how my hair was in that entire facility.

Men are not complicated humans. There is no gossip, backbiting, lashing out, emotional moments or anything like that at all. I think there was 1 man who was a little high strung but I just didn’t interact with him much.

At my new job, I have a dress code that I have to follow. It is not hard LOL, just not my norm. Right now, I work with 1 man and the rest are women. That is totally different, so I also had to learn to adjust to this new dynamic. It was (is) a hard adjustment to make when you have that one experience and then for the last 30 years just been a mom.

Logistics of the Job

I go to 2 offices in 2 locations. This arrangment was something I had to do in order to be full time and still acccommodate my family. At the end of the day, family will always come first. Thankfully, this company understands that concept.

These 2 locations were not only in 2 different towns but they are 2 totally different vibes. 1 location is very professional, blocked off (in terms of how the office is laid out), and quiet. The section location is game on 100% of the time with a more laid back feel. It is the same work, just wildly different.

Professionalism is a high priority in both places but one is just a little different than the other. I had to figure out how to do my job properly, interact with staff, learn the computer system, and not drown. That is a feat in an of itself.

Overall…Me as a Human

By nature, I am an introvert. I really do not get out that much. Interacting with clients is my jam, but figuring out everything else was a challenge. I was so afraid that if I said the wrong thing, wore the wrong thing, etc, that I would be fired.

In my effort to fit in (again not my strong suit), I tried to be myself. Granted, I don’t “look” like myself because my hair is not pink or purple (and I’m going bald). I couldn’t dress like myself because I have to wear clothes that I am not comfortable in but I am figuring it all out.

I am a loud human. My whisper is loud. I am, typically, not one to shy away from confrontation and my face does not always dictate what my mind is saying or my heart is feeling. My goal is always for acceptance, kindness, and  helping when I can.

Learning and Adjusting

I am still learning and adjusting to going to an office everyday. From there, I am learning how to maintain my home, family life, self-care, etc. It has not been easy. I am so tired by the end of the day, my family can sometimes come away with scraps because I am “peopled” out.

It has all been a work in progress. I love what I do and I love the fact that my boss has compassion for me. That is a huge positive. My family continue to be supportive and understanding.

My point is this…you can start over at any age and stage of your life. There will be a learning curve but you will adjust and you will survive! So far, I am and that says a lot.

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The Ability to Laugh Again

The ability to laugh again brings me joy. I tell you all what. I was having a moment tonight because of sheer confusion over the difference between an abstract and an introduction paragraph. So, I had Bart come upstairs to share my confusion and angst. He sweetly sat and rubbed my feet, repeating, “No, we are not getting another cat. We aren’t going to name it Suzanne or Kathy. No, I won’t write this for you because I don’t know how. Honestly, I do not see a flea in your hand.” 

At least he rubbed my feet. 

As we talked, we giggled about some of our parenting moments. When I say giggling, we were laughing so hard he had to take an Excedrin, and I might have peed a little. One of our children, to say they were guilt free of oversight, shared that they know the “brand” of poop everyone has in the house. This child went further to pick up and sniff a turd in the floor to determine that it was not animal feces but another human in our home. Let me be obvious, it was Lola’s poop (she was our dog). There was no human pooping on my floor. 

Another child convinced a sibling to “stand real still” in the yard. As I was coming downstairs, I questioned why said child was standing in the yard. This child never stands still and is never quiet. My other child informed me that this child had been convinced that a bird would eat off their head if it stood real still. 

The Pee Saga

One time, we had two boxwood bushes in front of our house. They were located right at the front door and were huge. Over a few months, I noticed they were dying from the top down. It was the weirdest thing. Then, I saw an odor that I couldn’t place. Around that time, we visited a local church. This church, at the time, was one that the pastor would come by to say hi to those that visited. He did…surprising us all. When he came up to the door, and I opened it, shocked to see him, he said, “it smells like pee out here.” We explained it was a tomcat that had sprayed, and we apologized. In the back of my mind, I reasoned that that was what it was because there was no other explanation, yet it didn’t smell like cat pee.

After the pastor left, two children said it was not cat pee. It was their pee. When they let the dogs out, they stood on the porch and peed on top of the bushes. I asked what happened when the cars went by. They said, “we smile and wave as you taught us.” Yes, they did that while peeing on my bushes. I tried to be strong and told them they could not pee in the front yard, and my husband was not happy with them because we had smelled that for months, and those bushes were huge. It was going to take an act of congress to cut them down. Bart made me leave the room because I was doubled over laughing so hard that I cried. 

Mystery Voice from the Woods

One child was outside singing by the tree one night. The rest of us (all of us) were in the house playing cards around the table. This child comes flying in, asking who was outside hiding. We stated that we were all inside and didn’t know what was happening and why this child was so disturbed. This child was singing, and someone in the dark screamed, “Shut up! Shut up! Shut up now!” This child thought if it wasn’t one of us or that, it could have been God telling this child to stop singing. We still have no idea who was screaming in the dark for this child to stop. 

Pool Noodle Mystery

We discovered that poop peels off the wallpaper. Boogers will dry and, when scraped, goes down to the drywall. A child ate all our pool noodles in one year. Ate them. The same child ate the wallpaper off the walls. One child swung on the bar because they wanted to be Tarzan…only to realize that their butt would go through the wall into another child’s room. 

Large Family Life

I mean, I could go on and on and on. We laughed and laughed. It has not been easy raising a large family with the needs some family members have and currently have. There has been tremendous trauma throughout the years, but it peaked around the time co-vid hit. We miss them all here. I miss having all my children under one roof for family meals, birthdays, and holidays. Yet, I have not allowed myself to dwell on it. We have forgotten how to laugh, and we let the bad moments overshadow the funny things that have happened over the years. 

Yet, We are healing. We are safe. I know we are good parents who are human and make mistakes. We have learned that not all “friends” are friends. Also, we have leaned on each other and gotten stronger. We were not (are not) perfect parents. However, we completely love Jesus, each other, our children, and our grandchildren. We love all of them. Each one of my children is entirely different. There is no one way to parent. Parenting must be tailored to each child. They had a roof over their heads, food in their bellies, and Jesus. 

Thankful to Laugh

I am thankful for those years of having everyone here. I am grateful for where I am today. No longer will I dwell in the shadow of the pain that happened. My joy will not be stolen. Friends…eventually, the rain stops, and the rainbow emerges. As Jesus says…there may be a pain in the night, but JOY comes in the morning. 

Joy is coming back to this household. I can pray for reunification all day long; that is what I want for my family. However, I will not let it steal my joy of living. Today, I challenge you to find your happiness! For now, I will find out how to write this abstract, so I can turn this stupid paper into my professor! 

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Perspective on the Last Few Months

Perspective. That is a loaded word for me. Honestly, it will be my next tattoo once I pick a design. According to Webster’s Dictionary, Perspective means “a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view.” So much has happened this year that it is hard to think about sometimes. Granted, some have been good. I have a new grandson to add to my brood of kids and my sweet C girl. Yet there has been a lot of loss, pain, and uncertainty. He never promised that the cross would not be heavy and that the hill would not be hard to climb! The cross has been heavy, and this hill…good grief is all I have to say! 

The Start of the Year

The year started with the loss of a dear friend. Hot on the heels of my parents’ devastation rocked us all to our core. My daughter gave birth early, and we almost lost her and her son. Co-Vid. The loss of my other mom on Mother’s Day. Some family stuff that sucked pondwater (as my M.O.M. would say). Uncertainty. OMS flare. Medical things for me. You know…just some gross stuff that was not fun.  

Positive Aspects

I do not want to focus on the negative, so let us get into a better mindset. My grandson is here, chubby and the happiest thing ever. My granddaughter is a small but mighty force to be reckoned with. We have added a daughter-in-law to the family. My oldest is amazing. She is a phenomenal mommy and truly gifted in her profession. She loves big and is so talented. My second child is soaking up mommy hood and it is just beyond my expectation. She is so gifted and focused and is just beyond incredible. My third child is okay, I guess…I hope and pray for reunification.

My oldest son is finishing college, writing brilliantly, and enjoying a new marriage. He is leading well and loving well. My next son is working hard at school. His teacher called me just to tell me how talented and natural he was at what his trade was at school. He is a light in a very dark place. My other son is getting all As and Bs in school, playing basketball all the time (on JV and Varsity), and his smile is infectious. My little one is everything a typical 8 yr old boy is…busy, loud, inventive, talkative, and doing the best he can in school. I am so proud of my kids. The Lord has truly blessed me, and I know that we will all be together again one day. Forgiveness, mercy, strength, and grace will abound on that day. I believe it now and forever.  

Big Daddy, Birthday, and School

My husband…I cannot even. He does not complete me. He enhances me, and I enhance him. We are one in our minds, goals, and beliefs. He believes in me, encourages me, and loves me so completely. He is everything to me and then some. With his encouragement, I have embarked back into the world of school. Lord help me, LOL. I turned 50 this year and went back to school. What was I thinking? In a quick moment, I applied for a therapist position and got hired. Upon trying to finish my complete licensure application, I realized that I was about 12 hours shy of meeting my state’s requirements. I have my master’s, and that was not enough. So, here I am… back…writing papers. I have some great cheerleaders in my corner, even when I doubt myself. Here I am almost done (again) and will soon apply for my licensure again and begin work in January (I hope). 

Mindless Things and Revelations

I have read a lot, watched Friends, cleaned more than the average human, freezer-cooked a lot, and learned a lot about myself this year. Honestly, I have learned that the glass is only 1/2 empty when it is a glass of coke…otherwise, it is half full. People are not all bad and out to just be horrible humans. There are nice people out there, but I sure have learned how to distinguish between sheep and wolves in sheep’s clothing. I have eliminated a lot of negativities in my life. Some people mean harm to my family and me…to those people…I have read the last page of the book. God wins. He has my back, and He will continue to protect us. You cannot harm us anymore. 

Loving Music

One thing that has changed is that music is now permeating my home again. For years, we could not listen to anything due to some issues within our family. My grandchildren love music! I am pleased to say that Bocelli, Beethoven, Pavarotti, 50s & 60s rock, Elvis, praise music, hymns…we are listening to it all! I had forgotten how fun it is and how it evokes such emotion. Bart and I were listening to songs we listened to in our early years…we were giggly, dancing, and just enjoying it all.

We ran our kids out of the room, LOL. My parents came over, and Unchained Melodies was playing. Immediately, they started dancing in my kitchen. My parents are 76 & 78 years old and have been married for 60 years. My children have had a front-row seat to their marriage, and they had the pleasure of just sitting back and watching this unfold before their eyes. It was beautiful. I love dancing with my grandchildren. Love, love, love it! 

Reconnecting with a Friend and Reading

Over the past few months, I have been reading Bible with a friend. We message daily, holding each other accountable. It all started with a bad night on my part. She asked how often I had been in the Word. I told her not at all. She challenged me, and here we are, loving each other, praying for each other, and reading the Word together. We have castrated animals but never have we done this. It has been so good to be back in the Word and to see it through her eyes. 

Family and Faith

We are laughing again, playing cards, swimming as a family, and loving each other well. There will always be valleys. Always. That is just what it is. I do not want to be in the valley, but it is a part of life. God is in the valley and on the top of the hill. It is all about perspective. Valleys are opportunities for Him to shine even brighter. That is what I need to teach my pessimistic self. He can be in both places; even when I do not feel Him, He is there. I pray that 2023 brings many joys, more peace, reunification, and healing for my family.

Yet there will be valleys, and they will be low and painful. I pray that I can keep the perspective of giving thanks on the hills and those valleys. I want to remember that He is with me throughout it all. There is no fear or condemnation for me. I want to have more vulnerability with those I love and know to love me, a new job possibility, spiritual growth in my family, incredible celebrations, and joy. Happiness is circumstantial, but joy, well, friends, joy comes from the Lord. You can have joy on the mountaintops and the valleys. 

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Life or Something Like It

My Oak My Mama

Barefoot Faith Journey

My Oak My Mama

My Oak My Mama

When I think of an Oak Tree, I think of being little and standing next to the giant oak tree in our yard. It was so big that I could not wrap my arms around it.

I remember looking up at it and seeing it touch the clouds. The giant limbs stand firm in the wind while the little limbs sway back and forth.

I can still see the beautiful leaves that protect me from the sun. I also vividly remember the life living on and around it. The ants and critters crawled up the massive trunk of this tree.

Then, when I look down, I am standing on the roots. These roots are so big that they are bulging out of the ground. I can follow the roots from the tree’s base for as far as they reach.

Many days, I stood in awe of the beauty of this massive living thing that God created.

This mighty tree may bend, but it never breaks.

Our oak tree provides shade in the summer. It loses its leaves in the fall, and the old things pass away. The leaves dying allows the sun to shine through the branches and provide heat on a cold day. In the spring, new life forms, and it begins again.

The circle of life in this tree.

My favorite tree is a tree of strength, honor, and consistency. An oak tree to lean on in hard times. This oak tree brings me joy at the sight or the rustle of the leaves.

I would like to introduce to you my Oak, my Mama.

Thank you, Mama, for loving me without abandon and giving me solid roots.

Thank you for being that big, sturdy branch while I flopped in the wind.

You led me to Christ through your faithfulness in your walk.

Also, for guiding me back to Christ when I wandered off and got lost.

You have always loved my husband and my children.

Thankful that you have never judged but were consistent with your faithfulness.

For showing me love when I was unlovable.

You have taught me values and stood up for me.

Mama, you rescued me, rocked me, and baked with me.

More importantly, mashed potatoes, macaroni & cheese, green beans & potatoes, and lima beans for your fried chicken.

You, my Marth, have been a living, breathing example of a Proverbs 31 woman.

You, my sweet Martha, are Oak Tree.

 

Faith Journey

Just Be Held

Barefoot Faith Journey

Just Be Held

Just Be Held. I am having a come apart right now. It has been a week, month, and year, just a lot. Here are the lyrics to this song.

Just Be Held

Hold it all together

Everybody needs you strong

But life hits you out of nowhere

And barely leaves you holding on

And when you’re tired of fighting

Chained by your control

There’s freedom in surrender

Lay it down and let it go

Thoughts

As a mom, we all know this. We are the Superman to all the issues of life. We put things back together with superglue and a tampon. My son has told me that if I cry, that is like Superman with a broken arm. Honestly, moms do not cry. I have chosen my life, or maybe I am living the life God chose for me; hmmm, I need to ponder that.

My life is one giant complication. Marriage is not easy. Parenting at any stage is not easy. Throw in control issues, have special needs kids that were out of your control, a medically fragile child, aging parents, death, poor choices, and you have a mess.

But God

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away

You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held

Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place

I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held

Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm

You’ll wonder if I love you still

But if your eyes are on the cross

You’ll know I always have and I always will

Thoughts

Right here. These words. They pierce my soul. I do see things falling apart. In 8 weeks, I’ve had two sons bullied by students and administration. The suspension has happened twice for one son. We’ve had a flare-up with another son. One son is spreading his wings. Daughters who are dealing with the hardships of lost relationships, a new marriage, jobs, and school. Just so much.

Yet, He is not upon the throne biting his nails or eating popcorn, wondering what will happen next. He has already created the perfect provisions for all these issues. Then there is control. Me. Free-will. If I would take my eyes off the storm and gaze them upward. Frankly, how would my perspective change?

No Tears Wasted

And not a tear is wasted

In time, you’ll understand

I’m painting beauty with the ashes

Your life is in My hands

Thoughts

Honestly, I love those verses in the Word so much that I have Isaiah 61:3 tattooed on my body. Frankly, the other verse may also need to go on my person. For instance, He has captured EVERY tear of mine (and yours) and placed it in a bottle. This is how much He cares for you. Furthermore, it is like you are the only person on Earth whose sole job is to love and comfort you.

Chorus

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away

You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held

Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place

I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held

Just be held, just be held

 

In the Midst

Lift your hands, lift your eyes

In the storm is where you’ll find Me

And where you are, I’ll hold your heart

I’ll hold your heart

Come to Me, find your rest

In the arms of the God who won’t let go

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away

You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held

Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place

I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held

Thoughts

Amid the storm, however, lift your hands. Furthermore, gaze your eyes above the waves. God is there, holding your heart in His hands. In Him, He has already fixed the problem. I pray that I will never forget that truth.

 

Adoption, Life or Something Like It

An Apology Without Change is Manipulation

Barefoot Faith Journey

An Apology Without Change is Manipulation

An Apology Without Change is Manipulation

Gracious, this is such a reminder of what I live with daily. It is so hard when you have such consistent, horrible things said to you and then a fake apology. That is exactly what it is. Fake. I probably have done that, but I learned to be sincere with my apologies. When I do something wrong or hurt someone unintentionally, it hurts me so badly. An Apology Without Change is Manipulation. Simple as that.

It Was Not Her Fault

There was an issue with an acquaintance, and though that was the straw that broke the camel’s back, it was not her doing anything wrong. I was just emotional. Yet, this is one isolated instance. I was not manipulating her, and I was sincere in my apology.

Now for my family member, this is a different ball of wax. This member has many types of diagnoses. Part of me thinks that this individual cannot help it. They do something wrong, have a hollow apology, and then do the same thing 10 minutes later.

It is almost to the point where I don’t want an apology. I want this person to leave me the heck alone. Can we say BOUNDARIES? I do not have boundaries, but they certainly need to be established.

Kids with Reactive Attachment Disorder

They do this quite often. In this quote, kids with RAD are good at manipulation, Confabulation, and triangulation. According to Webster’s Dictionary, to manipulate means to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means, especially to one’s advantage.

Confabulation means filling in gaps in memory by fabrication. To “normal” people, this means to lie. Then triangulation means allying. In this situation, it is a child with one parent against another parent.

It is all exhausting and makes my brain work on overload. My boundaries had to be firmly placed, though they broke my heart into a million pieces. I had to take into consideration other family members and myself.

The stress was hurting all of us.

Life is Hard

The Lord did not promise us a walk in a rose garden. If we had that or all the answers, we would not need Him. He completes and sustains us even when we are physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted from creating those hard boundaries.

He gives us the wisdom we need when we seek it, to “speak” to us. For me, this is done through intuition, Scripture, other people, and dreams. I have learned to accept that my family member does not understand what it means not to manipulate and to be sincere in the apology.

It is hard. Completely and totally. Maybe one day, the Lord will heal her mind, body, and spirit to where she can function well in the world around her.