One of the Most Stressful Times of my Life
One of the Most Stressful Times of my Life is practicing self-care. I have had a hard few weeks and I thought I would do something nice for myself. I’m telling you, the last 3 weeks have been so difficult. Honestly, if it could go wrong, it went wrong. My heart has hurt both personally and professionally.
The stress of juggling home life and work life has been a bit overwhelming for me. It has been a year since I started working and I have sort of found my groove. I lied. There is no groove. I am flitting between the ditches on the sides of the road.
In that “I have some time today, let’s do something wild,” kind of moment…I, indeed, did something wild. There was a gift card in my purse that I have had since Christmas. Today was the day that I was gonna use it.
Manicure and Pedicure
I had never been to this place because I do not leave the house very often. A year ago, I would have considered diagnosing myself with agoraphobia but I am working through it. I have tried to convince my husband to just walk around with me, everywhere, so I can hold his beard. It is my emotional support beard LOL. He has politely declined. I don’t know why…it’s a mystery.
Anyway, the thought makes me nervous but my husband really does like it when my fingernails are done. So, I went. On a whim. I did it. I sat in the parking lot, for a moment because I didn’t know which door to go in and then I finally got out and went in. It was packed. I almost walked out but the clerk saw me and told me what I needed to do to “sign in.” I couldn’t understand the clerk, the clerk couldn’t understand me. Thank goodness there were signs with pictures. I pointed and smiled. They smiled back and that broke the ice.
Overwhelming Decisions
I’ve had a manicure and pedicure done a couple of times, over the years. It’s not like I don’t enjoy it but I get overwhelmed. There are so many choices of colors, styles, dips, etc. Add that to the fact that I am not familiar with this place, these people, and it was so crowded that I was feeling a panic attack come on.
There are a billion shades of blue….baby, dark, sky, cerulean, powder, glossy, matte, dipped, french tipped, sparkles, do you see what I am putting down? Complete panic. I started sweating in inappropriate places and my eyes glossed over due to the volume in the place (music and chatter), the fluorescent lights, and the sheer magnitude of options.
I decided on a color for my toes and a french-tip manicure. We move to the chair for the pedicure and the little fella slaps his latex gloves on his hands. I sit, uncomfortably, and contemplate whether or not I’m getting a pedicure or a pelvic exam. I was ready to bolt but chose to stay, keys in hand, and see how this was going to go down.
Awkwardness x10
This was the most awkward I have felt in a long time. He did a great job with the pedicure but when you start “massaging” my feet/calves with gloves, you can count me out. I was trying to indicate that I had had enough and that he needed to remove his gloved hands from my legs and let me up. I guess he noticed me squirming and he wrapped it up.
The manicure made me sweat. He had a hard time understanding me, even with pictures. He did a great job, so I can’t complain. I was pleased with the outcome. However, what I thought was going to cost less than $70 was more like almost $90 due to me wanting a french-tip. Apparently, they charge differently with gel and it costs an extra $15 for the white tips to be painted on. I was not prepared for the cost.
By the time I got out, I cried all the way home. Pitiful. I know. That is just how I am wired. I do not like to get out, at all. Typically, I stay home, go to my parents, church, or work. That’s it. If I can’t order it and have it delivered to my house or the business has a “to-go” window, I am good. If I have to get out, 1/2 the time I won’t even go.
Anxiety
I have always been an introvert and a homebody but it has definitely gotten worse over the last few years. My husband would love to go out more but it is just exhausting at the mere thought for me. My anxiety can lead to a panic attack, which isn’t fun. I stood in the doorway of Ulta and immediately started sweating and crying.
I called my husband because he was able to encourage me, tell me what I am there for because I forgot, and where it was. Luckily, a sweet girl came up to assist and basically just talked me off the ledge. She did so by telling me her story and me giving her a mini session while she just handed me the things I wanted. If I can do what I love and dissociate from the lights, smells, and people…I am set to go. I was completely calm when I left because I got to help someone in need while she helped me.
Long Story Long
Do not let your mental health define you. Learn to find what helps you cope and lean into it. You are not weak for struggling. You are strong for admitting it and finding ways to handle it. I have found my ways (emotional support beard). When I am good, I do more. When I am struggling, I do less. It is as simple as that. I have tremendous anxiety, a touch of OCD, and a significant amount of depression. However, I can still do hard things even if those things don’t seem hard to someone else. Be kind to others. Be kind to yourself. You can do hard things!
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