Category: Life or Something Like It

Life or Something Like It

Dare to Step Out of Your Box and Live

Barefoot Faith Journey

Dare to Step Out of Your Box and Live

Dare to Step Out of Your Box and Live by Luke Mind Power. I don’t know if he has a blog or anything online other than Tiktok, so you can just google his name and see what comes up. There are several things of his that resonates with me on some level. It is a lot about self-love, empowerment, believing in yourself, and positive thinking. Frankly, I need that in spades right now.

This has been a very difficult season for me, personally. I am at the point where I am exhausted. As I have posted about, recently, I have withdrawn into myself to try and preserve what little sanity I have left. Everyone’s breaking point is different. I several people I work with that have stories that break my heart and I wonder how they are still smiling. What I have been through is traumatic for me but for other’s might be a walk in the park and vice versa. People handle situations differently.

Perspective

I don’t share much about what is going on because then I get a lot of advice and “I would” statements. That is great for you. In my mind, I’m thinking well, let’s hope you aren’t in this situation but if you are, then I’m sure you “would” do this and this. For me, this is what we are choosing to do and that seems right, at this moment. We are literally living moment to moment. If the choices we make as a family doesn’t set well with someone else, then that is a you problem, not a me problem. We very well may have made the wrong choices but we are doing our best.

It is exhausting trying to live life, make decisions, confide in others, get advice, try to follow the advice, and it still be a sucky situation. Honestly, it causes me to doubt every decision I have made because I think well “what if” I had listened to this person or that person…would it be different? Should I have? Would I ever? Can I go back and? That cycle has to stop.

In my heart, I know we are loved and prayed over. I know that everyone means well and wants to help or fix the situation. No one likes to see another person or family in pain. They just don’t. I get that and I respect that but give advice when you are asked. As a therapist, that statement is an oxymoron (is that the right word?).

Dare

This is the overall theme of this tiktok I was talking about and what I want to try and do, to the best of my ability.

“Dedicate the next 6 months exclusively to my goals. No announcements, just fall back, and do the work. It’s me versus me this time. Stay in my lane. There is no traffic and no competition. I can do this. Right your goals down, create a vision of where I want to be and take actions. Shut my mouth, don’t say sht, just let my success be my noise. My mind is a powerful thing. start using it to my advantage. When you fill it with positivity, my life will start to change. My time is now, no more bullsht. I can’t keep getting mad at people for sucking the life out of me if I keep giving them the straw. It’s time for me to grow.”

Drop the Mic

Don’t you LOVE that?! That statement of “I can’t keep getting mad at people for sucking the life out of me if I keep giving them the straw” is what needs to be tattooed on my forearm so I can see it! Seriously, I might have one of my daughter’s write that on a canvas and hang it up in both of my offices.

I hope my girls are reading this! If so, I need one of those for the house and one for each of my offices. My clients need to hear that as well! Now, I need to process and think. Maybe a blog series, eventually? I dunno. If I do that, it will be after I shut my mouth for 6 months 🙂

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Let’s Talk About Adult Bullies and Peer Pressure

Life or Something Like It

Let’s Talk About Adult Bullies and Peer Pressure

Barefoot Faith Journey

Let’s Talk About Adult Bullies and Peer Pressure

Let's Talk About Adult Bullies and Peer Pressure

Let’s Talk About Adult Bullies and Peer Pressure and the fact that it does not end in your schooling years. Bullying is horrible, not matter what stage of life you are in at the time. It starts at a young age and then gets worse when puberty hits. Then, your high school years they aren’t called bullies, they are called cliques.

Frankly, it is all stupid. I never fit in at school with any clique, ever. My one friend found a new set of friends that liked to drink and do other things. My other friend quit school at 16 because he got his girlfriend pregnant and decided to be a drug dealer.

True story.

I stayed to myself, kept my head down, tried to fit in, and it didn’t work. I was made fun of from everything from my clothes, hair, makeup, car I drove, and the classes I took. One time, someone told me that I breathed too loudly, my freckles were distracting, and I walked with my feet out like a duck.

The Stupidity is Real

I think that is why I am drawn to those that are looking a little disheveled, down on their luck, and struggling with life. Their ducks are not in a row…they have a bunch of rabid squirrels running everywhere. Those are my people. One of the best things I ever did was go to AA. I went with a friend (this was for my master’s class) and we went for 12 weeks.

“Hi, I’m Brandi and I’m not an addict.” Cheers and applause would erupt and I would hear “Hi, Brandi, welcome and we are so glad you are here and not an addict.” It was the same with Weight Watchers. They literally clapped and said “Hi Brandi, we are so glad you are here and fat. Welcome!” Honestly, it feels good to be accepted for who you are in situations like that.

Those were my people. Sadly, my husband said I couldn’t go to AA anymore because most of the attendees were his clients and he didn’t want them to know. I get that. For WW, I lost the weight I was supposed to and just quit going because of the cost.

I Digress

Here I am, almost 51 years old and struggling with this issue. How pathetic is that to even utter those words? I often stop and think “hurt people hurt people.” Seriously, think about it. When someone is hurting, they will hurt others to deflect from their pain. It is sad. I do that but I have had to be really mindful to capture myself and not let something get the better of me.

The issue I am facing will fade away, in time. I stay to myself and try not to ask questions or make waves. In short, I make myself small instead of being myself. Granted, I am loud and I love to help, when I can but some people don’t want help and loudness is a trigger. I am trying to respect that aspect.

Lately, I have decided to just be me and be damned with the words that come at me. I am tired of dulling my shine. Now, will I be rude or disrespectful? Absolutely not. If there is a time when I need to apologize, I will do so even if I might not agree. I will do it to make things easier. At the end of the day, that other person has to figure out what it is about me that triggers them. If it is something I can work on, I will but if it is just who I am (as a human) then you need to figure it out and let me be.

In the End

Be kind. It really is that simple. If you don’t have something nice to say, just shut your mouth. Do not guilt someone into doing something they do not want to do (peer pressure). Please do not make someone feel bad because you think they are handling a situation in a way that doesn’t suit you. You can give advice but only when it is asked for. Be an ear, love each other, do not say ‘I told you so.’

Love each other. Meet them where the are at in life. Life is hard enough without adults bullying others and making another person feel less than. You are better than that. I am better than that. Honestly, I am trying to capture my thoughts, be mindful of my speech (with the exception of today when I lost my cool). God gave us 2 ears and 1 mouth. That means you are to listen twice as much as you open your trap. When you do open it, make sure it is laced with the love of God.

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Going Back to School at 40 & 50 Years Old

Life or Something Like It

Going Back to School at 40 & 50 Years Old

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Going Back to School at 40 & 50 Years Old

Going Back to School at 40 & 50 Years Old

Going Back to School at 40 & 50 Years Old was not an ideal thing to do. Let’s move back a bit, in time. I graduated high school and then went straight to our junior college here in town. At that school, I earned my associate’s of science. From there, I moved onto a 4 year college. At school, I was getting a degree in Pre-Veterinarian Medicine.

Incidentally, I fell in love and got married. In my junior year, I found out I was pregnant. That threw a bit of a wrench into my plans. My last semester of college was an internship was a hands on type of work. Typically, a student will come back with, at least, ear mites. It is what it is, so we made the hard decision for me to not finish up while I was pregnant.

Moving Forward

I had 3 kids and decided at the ripe old age of 32, I would finish my bachelor’s degree. My professor was still there and he was a rockstar for me. I did my thesis on the microbial habits of cattle and I nailed it. Honestly, I had been out of school from 23-32, so that was a pretty good thing to accomplish. My kids were able to watch me walk the aisle and get my degree.

Core memory.

It was hard. I cried a lot because I had all the responsibilities of home, homeschooling my kids, a busy 3 yr old, and trying to get my degree. Yet, I did it. We all did it. Now, I knew that I would not be going back to work because my job was in the home. I wanted to continue to homeschool my kids.

Over Time, I Wasn’t Finished

Fast forward 8 more years and I was 40 years old with 6 children. I was still homeschooling the kids and we had just adopted our 6th child. That was a huge adjustment. It wasn’t the amount of kids, it was just acclimating him to America, which was not easy.

I decided that homemaking, homeschooling, adopting, and raising 6 kids wasn’t enough. In my opinion, it was a good time to follow my dream of being a therapist. This is what I had always wanted to do, but chose to go down a path that was encouraged by my dad. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the pre-vet field and I was good at it. It just was not my passion.

So, I decided to go back to school. In true fashion, my goal was to get my master’s in a year. I knew that if I gave myself breathing room, I wouldn’t finish it up. It was awful. I had forgotten all the things and everything was now online, which was new to me.

Writing Papers, Taking Tests, Crying

Overuse of commas was a common issue for me during my excessive paper writing. The tests were timed and watching that clock tick down caused me such anxiety. I remember my kids, all standing outside with their noses pressed to the door, watching me sweat over a test. They were the best little cheerleaders but that year was traumatic on so many levels. I did it with a GPA of a 3.97, I believe.

However.

I did it and I did it well. From that point, I decided to take another year off because at the time, I still couldn’t work. My kids were still homeschooled and we were struggling with some things that needed my undivided attention. I would “counsel” people but not for money. I began looking into being a Life Coach. On and off I would look into that but honestly, I just didn’t have time. I was spread too thin and couldn’t add one more thing to my plate.

Fast Forward Again

At the ripe old age of 42, I accidentally adopted our 7th child. He was 21 mths old when he came to live with us. That was in November and in the following January, I got a job. It was for my practicum for my licensure. I loved it because I was able to still do all that I was doing and work my hours around my kids and their education.

In June of that year (2017), my baby child got sick. My life stopped and everything was put on hold. I had to quit my job because my sole focus was on keeping him alive, maintaining my home, educating my children, and I was taking care of my best friend after her stroke. There just wasn’t enough time in the day. I assumed my time spent working would count towards my practicum, but alas, she was WAY unethical and none of that time counted.

Hitting 50 and Starting Over

In August of 2022, I applied for a job as a therapist and got hired. I was able to get a supervisor and all was ready for me to work. Upon filling out my paperwork for my associate’s license, it was discovered that my master’s was not enough and I had to go back to school and take another 15 hrs above my master’s. I was devastated. We didn’t have the money, I didn’t want to do it, and there is just no way I could remember anything from 10 years ago. Throwing in the towel was the only option for me.

My supervisor stayed on me and would text/call almost weekly to see what my status was and when I would start school. I explained that that wasn’t what I was going to do. However, he explained that was what I was going to do and to just do it. So. I did it.

His words of wisdom were “you are a perfectionist so do not strive for perfection, strive for passing.” He explained I better not show up with my transcript and have a 4.0. Lots of serious tears, anger, fear, and many phone calls to my sweet supervisor later and I did it…again. I remember calling him and telling him I was done. He sweetly asked what my GPA was and I said “well, I didn’t mean to but…I did get a 4.0.” He laughed.

Getting a Job

I had the degree and a supervisor next up was getting a job. However, that is a post for another day. Oh, and I wouldn’t be opposed to getting my doctorate. Maybe I will consider that when I am 60.

 

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Let Them by Cassie Phillips

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Let Them by Cassie Phillips was a poem I heard on social media. Now, I do not have social media, but this is when I did. When I heard it, it was during a time in my life that was very chaotic. Let’s be real, most days are chaotic. I had discovered some ‘friends’ were not really friends and that people cannot always be trusted. Trust is an issue I have already but this was the last straw for me. People are so quick to judge when they don’t know all the details.

However, reality is that unless you are sleeping with that person or they have their feet under your table for every meal, they don’t need to know the details of anything. Frankly, it is none of their business. We (I) choose to make it their business and by doing that, things get misunderstood.

Just Let Them

If they want to choose something over you, LET THEM.

If they want to go weeks without talking to you, LET THEM.

If they are okay with never seeing you, LET THEM.

If they are okay with always putting themselves first, LET THEM.

If they are showing you who they are and not what you perceived them to be, LET THEM.

If they want to follow the crowd, LET THEM.

If they want to judge or misunderstand you, LET THEM.

If they act like they can live without you, LET THEM.

If they want to walk out of  your life and leave, hold the door open, AND LET THEM.

Let them lose you. You were never theirs, because you were always your own.

So let them.

Let them show you who they truly are, not tell you.

Let them prove how worthy they are of your time.

Let them earn your forgiveness.

Let them call you to talk about ordinary things.

Let them take you out on a Thursday.

Let them talk about anything and everything just because it’s you they are talking to.

Let them have a safe place in you.

Let them see the heart in you that didn’t harden.

Let them love you.

Author: Cassie Phillips

Thoughts

Geez, this is so powerful on so many levels for me. It may not strike everyone the way it strikes me and that is okay. It is the same as the Welcome To Holland poem by Emily Perl Kingsley. There has been so much that has gone on in the last several years. True colors have been shown by some while others have shown up and shown out in support and love. I have retreated back and am reflecting inward to see where changes need to be made, as well. Slowly, I’m trying to make my way back to the surface so Light can be shown on my face.

Remember you cannot control the actions or thoughts of others. The only thing you can do is control your reactions. Anxiety is fear of the future and not being able to control it. Depression is sadness that is focused on what you can’t change or couldn’t control from your past. Live in the present…moment by moment…breathe in and breathe out. Your goal is to change the life of 1 person. What if that 1 person is you?

Let Them.

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Life or Something Like It

A Letter Written for My Younger Self: School-Aged Edition

Barefoot Faith Journey

A Letter Written for My Younger Self: School-Aged Edition

A Letter Written for My Younger Self: School-Aged Edition

A Letter Written for My Younger Self: School-Aged Edition series will be written to heal the broken parts of my inner child. I am a therapist and this is something that I do with my clients, regularly. As I was working through this topic, it dawned on me, that I needed to do this as well.

Let me preface this by saying that I have amazing parents and family. My parents have been married for 61 years. Their love story is one that I hope to get written, on behalf of them, one day. It has not always been sunshine and rainbows. There have been a lot of storms and uncertainty. In the end, however, their love for each other has grown stronger.

What I dealt with, as a child and teenager, has no reflection on their love for me or how I was raised. I am blessed to have a provider and protector in my father. Equally as blessed to have my Oak who has roots that run deep and a can reach even the deepest holes to pull me out when I need it.

Dear School-Aged Brandi,

I want you to know that you are NOT stupid. In fact, the way your brain works is quite fascinating. I will agree that telling time is hard and knowing your right from your left is challenging. You were able to master tying your shoes, eventually and math can sometimes still be a struggle, but you learn some tips and tricks that help things move a bit more quickly. Newsflash of hope: In your mid-thirties, you will “accidentally” learn what the deal is and why you struggle with the issues that you do. A sweet therapist, of one of your children, will notice some things about you. In the kindest of ways, she will mention that there is a name to what you thought was just stupidity. It is called Dyscalculia and a lot of people have it and you will conquer it.

Don’t get me wrong, eventually there will be smartphones and your job will have a lot of numbers you have to get right. On occasion, you will call the wrong person but it is all good. It is not a big deal and people are nicer than you think they will be. They don’t think you are stupid, they just think you dialed the wrong number. It is okay and there is no need to be embarrassed or make excuses.

Heading to Kindergarten

You wanted to stay home with your mama. She wanted you to stay home with her but she had to put you in Kindergarten. Going to school was hard on you both, but you both made it! It was not your teacher’s fault you had never seen a 4 legged dog. How was she supposed to know that? How were you supposed to know that dogs had four legs when you had never seen one? It was an honest mistake. Granted, she should have never told you were stupid but do you remember your Oak came in like a lion. She fought for you, defended you, and taught that teacher a thing or two. Your Oak set the stage for your graduating that year and moving on.

Second Grade

That day, in Ms. Dallas’ class where you couldn’t tell your times table was really hard. Here’s the thing. If Ms. Dallas knew better, she would have done better. She didn’t know that you got your numbers mixed up. She didn’t know that there was a reason for that, however, she shouldn’t have made fun of you. Her making fun of you made the other kids laugh at you and call you names. She certainly should not have kept you in from recess so many times until you got it. I am sure she sees how her calling you names and laughing made the other kids do that as well.

Eventually, you learned and for that, you should be proud of yourself. I am not sure why you chose not to tell your Oak. If you had told her, she would have come to the school and fought for you again. She was never too busy to fight for you. I’m sorry you felt like you had to stay silent and hold that pain inside you. You are safe now. Those times tables are a bitch but girl, you have them down, mostly LOL. Regardless of what they say, you don’t scream out that 8×7=56 in your everyday life. It’s all good and you did it!

Fifth Grade

In 5th grade, it isn’t your fault that you didn’t understand what an adverb was and it wasn’t your fault your teacher got so mad at you. She might have been having a bad day but that is not your fault. You should not have been thrown out of the classroom. You were not trying to cause trouble, you just didn’t understand. Your brain works differently than most peoples brains and that is okay. It is okay to be different. You know, now, the big ones. A noun, verb, adjective, conjunction, and even a gerund and dangling participle. Girl, you can spell, read fast, comprehend what you are reading, and all that fun stuff. To add to the accomplishments, you have graduated 5 of your 7 children through homeschooling. You are a beast. Your teacher just didn’t see that then but that moment in time does not dictate your future.

In Sixth Grade

In 6th grade, the bullying started because you were placed in the “stupid class.” That was so hard for you. Honestly, I am so sorry that you felt singled out, was made fun of, and hurt so deeply. I know when you lined up and were paraded in front of the other kids, your ‘friends’ laughed and pointed at you. There were chants of us going to the “stupid class.” It was embarrassing and hard but you covered up that pain with acting silly and being the class clown. You had almost mastered covering up that pain with laughter but I know on the inside, you were breaking.

I believe that is why you fight so hard for your kids, who are in public school. Those classes are called “special Ed” classes and they are not for stupid people. They are for kids who might need a little extra help in some areas of learning. They are there to help kids, not to hurt them. Again, when you know better, you do better. Guess what? You told your Oak and she went to that school and fought for you, again! She got you out of that class and put you back where you belong. However, what mom did not know is that the “social damage” had already been done. She is a beast of a mama!

Special Ed, Now

Now, several years later, they integrate the kids who need some extra help into the mainstream class. What they do is place collaborative teachers in the mainstream class to just quietly lead, guide, and help where needed. If you were in school, now, you wouldn’t have had to be paraded like that, you can just go to the regular classroom. Isn’t that awesome. The school knew they needed to do better and over the years, then they did better. Is the program perfect? Nope, but it is better!

Middle and High School

After elementary school, middle and high school was nothing but an isolating bully-fest. I am so sorry that you were made fun of for what you wore, your hair, your smile, and basically just breathing. Your peers were not nice to you because they realized that your dad was a police officer and he had busted a lot of those people you went to school with at the time. Your dad did his job and did it well. You were just a byproduct of the bad choices that those “friends” made. None of that is your fault.

In the future, there are still cliques, bullying, and peer pressure. Honestly, it is a little bit slicker and more polished, but it is still the same as if you were still in school. I am really sorry that you didn’t have any friends and that you were made fun of for not wanting to have sex or do drugs. You had values and you stuck to them. I know that it was “assumed” that you would probably get pregnant in high school but the joke is on those people. That was the last thing on my mind. Also, I am sorry that you were made fun of by the clothes you wore because they were not name brand. Your clothes were just fine and you always were clean and looked nice. The fact that those ‘friends’ could not see that is not your fault.

Prom

I am sorry you didn’t go to your senior prom. You were so humiliated that no one asked you. Honestly, you could have gone alone but I understand that money was an issue plus you would have been made even more fun of if you went by yourself. It is okay to be sad about that and when your teacher says “go anyway, it will be the greatest regret of your life.” That isn’t true. Girl, there are plenty more things that you will regret but it was sad. Once again, you masked your pain with indifference and humor. You still do that…one day, we need to sit down with each other and have a chat about that little issue.

Graduation

You did graduate high school, but in true fashion, you were left out again. The local newspaper always does a huge article and lists off all the graduates. Your name was not on the list. I know it was shocking when you start getting phone calls from people asking why you aren’t graduating. I’m not really sure how you got left off, but they did send you a “special” article with your name in it and an apology. Now, did that go out in the mainstream paper? No, but still, they tried to make amends.

You left that school with no friends but you had a diploma. There are pictures of you smiling with your classmates but it was a “let’s get this over with” type of smile. That’s okay, your school years were not easy. Your life began after school. You did not just graduate from high school but you graduated from college as well. Girl, you graduated with an associate’s degree, a bachelor’s degree, and a master’s. That master’s degree you have, you graduated with a 3.97 the first time and a 4.0 the second time.

A Billion Years Later

When Facebook came around, it is amazing how people from your past find you and want to “friend” you because we had the “best” time in school and were the “best” of friends. You did receive a ton of requests and you accepted them all because you finally fit in! They wanted to know what you have been up to and fill you in on their wonderful lives. Your “friends list” grows and grows. Finally, you are accepted and they want a relationship with you. Then, you realize that that is not the truth. Good job in learning to distinguish between a classmate, a true friend, an acquaintance, and so on.

Lasting Friendships

Just so you know, you will make an amazing friend you call Lady. You will also meet someone in the same parenting stage as you, you will reconnect with a college friend who will become your accountability partner, and someone you will meet online that friendship will continue in your real life and not just through a screen. One day, you will have a job and meet a like-minded person. There will be a friend that will pop back up from many churches ago who will be a prayer warrior for you. A friend of your sister’s who will become a sounding board and then become a friend of yours. Then, there will be a friend you meet in the adoption world who gets you on every level. There are so many more people from church that will change your life.

You Did It

The hard stuff, you did it.

Graduating, you did it.

Persevered, you did it.

Survived bullying, you did it.

You became stronger and you are the person that fights for those who are considered “less than.” The lessons you watched from your Oak, you have taken and instituted into everything that you do. Incidentally, your Oak became an AMAZING teacher of kids from hard places. Your dad still fought the good fight and a lot of those people from school attribute their lives to him saving them.

I know, today, you have not learned to love yourself or your differences. There are days when you continue to mask those differences and by the time you can take the masks off, you are exhausted. Please give yourself grace and know that, in the end, you are gonna be okay. Be proud of who you are.

Love,

B

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Why Do I Blog?

Why Do I Blog?
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Why Do I Blog? Well, that is a good question. I started my blog almost eleven years ago. It was not what it is today, it was much different. I was in the thick of raising (ie keeping alive, feeding, homeschooling, and all the things) only five kids. We were in the process of adopting our sixth child, internationally.

Originally My Intentions

My blog originated with the intent of keeping family and friends in the loop about our process. It is hard to know who you told what to while in that process. This was an easy way for me to make sure everyone knew everything. The process was hard. It was sanctifying and challenged my faith.

Our journey was long and hard with our adoption. There were many people in many places (and countries) that was following our journey. A blog was just easier because I could word vomit all my feelings. There were so many emotions during that time. You have, in the beginning, what is called a “paper pregnancy.” It takes about 9 months to do all the paperwork, get the dossier together, homestudy, and travel.

Then, we had a 15 month delay, so that emotional rollercoaster was all documented. It really was just so I could process my emotions and keep my eyes above the waves. There were some times I wrote about raising kids, homeschooling life, and cleaning but it was mainly on our adoption.

Moving Forward

After his adoption, my blog shifted to just homeschooling mom life of six kids. Adjusting to the new addition in our family, my husband starting a new job, and just living life. It was full of adoption related content that helped me keep an account of all the fun and not so fun things that happened.

Many things I wrote, I have set to private. As I went through and reread them, over the years, I decided that it was not something I wanted to remain for the public to see. Adoption is beautiful but it is also extremely hard and trying. Add that to my journey through my own personal trauma and mental health issues…well, it isn’t for public consumption.

Here We Are Today

I write when I have a chance. There are so many things that have gone on lately. In short, I went back to college (again), got a job, working through my health crap, studying for the world’s worst test, cooking, raising kids, being a Lolli, and all the things. I would like to get back into writing more, but I have not been in the mental state to do so. In time, trying to get back into the swing of things. We shall see where it goes.

 

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30 Things that Make Me Happy

Getting back in to writing, as I have taken quite a bit of time off. The reasons for taking time off are many, but that is not what I want to focus on today. So, here are 30 Things that Make Me Happy.

  • My grandchildren
  • When all my kids are together
  • Cheese, coke, pasta
  • Doing what I love
  • Cats (and my 1 dog, Sissy Baby)
  • Talking to my mom
  • Tattoos
  • Getting my hair done
  • A clean house
  • Swimming
  • Going for car rides, alone
  • Movies
  • Organizing
  • Physically feeling better
  • Hair growing back in, somewhat (explanation at a later date)
  • Baby giggles
  • Good sleep
  • The smell of Patchouli, cinnamon, and siberian fir diffusing
  • Steak Fajita bowl with extra queso
  • Pebbled leather or soft leather purses
  • Feelings of peace
  • Flowers
  • Helping others
  • Combining like objects so I can throw the extra packaging away (this is a real thing)
  • Finally understanding a concept
  • Reading good books
  • Feeling loved
  • Listening to 50s & 60s music
  • People I can trust
  • Hot showers

Thoughts on This

Honestly, this was harder than I thought it would be. I mean the first few are no-brainers but the rest, I am literally sitting here thinking “what does make me happy?* Happiness is circumstantial and can come and go like the tides of the ocean. Lately, I have not been happy very much due to the circumstances that I have dealt with on a daily basis.

Joy, however, comes from the Lord. In short, you can have been in the middle of the darkest time of your life and still have joy. Joy does not swirl around your circumstances. It is a state of being. Do I have a lot of joy? Uhm, no. Do I have a mustard seed? Yep, but just the tiniest seed.

Not gonna lie, it has been hard around here for a long time. There have been moments of brightness but for the most part, lots of valleys. I am thankful for my family that continues to lift us up, in their prayers. Their support has been amazing, however, there is so much I haven’t shared with anyone. They know that and call me out, occasionally, to “use my words” and come out of my hole.

Slowly, I am emerging…into the Light.

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Life or Something Like It

A Love Letter on Your 50th Birthday

Barefoot Faith Journey

A Love Letter on Your 50th Birthday

What can I say to you, on your big 50th? There is so much and yet I am at a loss for words. However, this is A Love Letter on Your 50th Birthday. We have spent almost 30 years together, in the same space.

You are my safe place. If a random person walked up to you, right now, and asked “where is your wife’s favorite place to be,” you would know the answer immediately. You would look them dead in the eye and say “my armpit.” You, my dear, would be 1000% correct.

Your Presence

I feel so loved when I am in your presence. You are so thoughtful to my myriad of emotions. I am fully aware that one minute I could be laughing and we are enjoying something together…the next minute I could be having a breakdown. You never judge me, yell at me, or make me feel less than.

Listening and Prayer

You don’t try to fix me (anymore), you simply sit and listen. The overwhelming feeling of being heard, loved, and accepted is just what I need on a daily basis. When I go to bed, before you, you think I don’t feel you when you put your hand gently on my leg. I know, in that moment, you are praying for me. Thank you for consistently doing that because it has made my monsters go away and more nights then not, I can sleep peacefully.

Little Things

You poop in the boys’ bathroom so I don’t have to smell it. The times when you would run out of the house to toot because it would make me gag. Always being the man with a plan when it comes to vomit with the except of the hotdogs in the washing machine. You have my coke ready in the morning. If you had pompoms, you would be the biggest, loudest, baldest cheerleader ever. You are my supporter and my number 1 fan. Thank you for making me cookies at 10:30 at night. Also, thank you for not telling me I was fat and bald even though I was overweight and my hair was falling out. Thank you for letting me buy a purse that you knew good and well I wouldn’t carry for very long.

Encourager

The encouragement you gave me while I was pursuing my dream is something that should be taught to every man who has a partner in life. When I was discouraged and doubting myself, you would pick me up and tell me that I can do it. I am capable. I am strong.

I did the biggest and scariest thing because I knew you were standing behind me, holding me up. When the kids were younger (even now), my favorite time of the day was when I heard the garage door open. I would be standing on the step, just waiting to hug you.

Dreams

You are what dreams are made of. In every wrinkle on your face and gray hair on your chin (chest and back but whatever), I see our love story written. Your eyes tell our entire love story and it isn’t finished being written. I love you endlessly and forever. Thank you for never leaving me unattended, for standing between me and the bad people, for always having my back, front, and side.

You, Big Daddy, are my forever and always. I love you (and your butt) so completely.

Happy Birthday!

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Fun Facts About My Grandson

Barefoot Faith Journey

Fun Facts About My Grandson

Fun Facts About My Grandson
Photo by Suzy Hazelwood on Pexels.com

This post, Fun Facts About My Grandson, is written by my daughter. Clearly, I have permission to post it but will not post his photo. Seriously though, I could eat him and my granddaughter all the way up! I love them completely!

Here are some fun facts about my almost 10 month old baby boy!

  • He is a quarter Romani Gypsy thanks to his dad’s side of the family
  • He has strawberry blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes just like his mama
  • He is very stout and dense around his midsection and he has rolls upon rolls on his thighs
  • He has the cutest chubby cheeks!
  • He was born premature at 34 weeks and 1 day via emergency c-section due to eclampsia problems.
  • He was in the NICU for 1 month before coming home
  • He did start out as a breastfed baby but is now solely on formula (a fed baby is the best way to make sure they are happy!)
  • He is a weird little kid sometimes lol (his dad and I are very weird people)
  • He loves to grind his teeth and it drives me absolutely crazy
  • He has a fascination for wipes (loves to put them in his mouth)
  • He gets scared easily by loud noises and then he will cry
  • He is very very LOUD! He has a good set of lungs on him
  • He can clap his hands, sit up by himself, feed himself, say mama/baba/naenae, he likes to help take his clothes off, and he can sort of crawl now
  • He loves his mama and daddy very much but he also really loves his grandparents. He is shy around strangers at first but will warm up to you quickly
  • He has an amazing smile that will light up your whole day
  • This kiddo LOVES him so food. If he sees us eating and we don’t give him a bite or a drink he will cry like a banshee
  • He loves to laugh
  • He has 3 bottom teeth and 2 top teeth
  • He has some rank smelling poops sometimes and it is not a pleasant experience for both parties
  • He loves contact naps
  • He loves car rides
  • He growls at people and it freaks them out sometimes (this one is totally my fault)
  • He hums himself to sleep
  • Has been an amazing sleeper ever since he was born
  • He hates being hot and we have to keep our house at a cool 65 degrees or under or he will scream until he wears himself out
  • He loves his teddies and stuffed animals
  • If you take his bottle out of his mouth for even a minute before the entire bottle is finished he will… you guessed it.. Scream lol (#word)
  • He loves bath time and splashing around!

Love of Her Life

He is the love of my life and the most precious soul I have ever had the pleasure of knowing! I am so grateful and blessed that God chose me to be his mother. He came in my life when I needed him most and I would go through that c-section 100 times over just to have him in my life.

Everyday he is learning new things and we discover new things about his little personality. This baby is so incredibly sweet and a busy little dude. He always has places to go and people to see 24/7 and people who love him with a deep affection. He has been prayed over by many people during and after his birth.  I know when he is older, he will have people in his life that will always be on his side. I can not wait to see what other changes come around as we enter into toddlerhood with my sweet baby!

Life or Something Like It

The TikTok I Didn’t Know I Needed

Barefoot Faith Journey

The TikTok I Didn’t Know I Needed

The TikTok I Didn't Know I Needed
Photo by cottonbro studio on Pexels.com

The TikTok I Didn’t Know I Needed after a bad couple of weeks. I was aimlessly scrolling today and this caught my attention. Now, I have not watched all this person’s content, nor will I (probably) but this one struck a chord in me. There is music and captions that contains some coarse language, but if you overlook that, you will get the idea of his message.

This is a positivity account, from what I have gathered. Self-love, letting go of the negative, self-care, knowing your worth, etc. It is a message that people need to hear and adapt to their lives. You know, life doesn’t have to be as hard as we make it. There is so much that I “own” that isn’t mine to own.

I allow guilt and the things that people say to me impact me way too much. Honestly, I don’t view myself through the lens of what Jesus says about me. I view myself through the lens of others and what they say about me. Some of these people know me but a lot of them don’t.

Motto of Sorts

I say, a lot, that if someone has not had their feet under my table, they don’t have an opinion. However, even when they have had their feet under my table, they still don’t truly know. For instance, with the illness of one of my children…there have been people (family) that has been with me every step of this battle with my child. However, they still don’t really get it because they don’t live it 24/7. They see what I want them to see. Does that even make sense? Honestly, even my husband doesn’t know it all because he had to stay home and take care of business here.

Adoption and Trauma

It’s the same with adoption trauma or any trauma for that matter. I get so tired of hearing what a saint we are for taking in kids. No. Just no. We are not saints and we are not perfect parents. If I shared with you half of what our journey comprised of it would curl your toenails. It was a choice that we made to live out the gospel how we were called to live it out. Not perfect, but obedient. It has been hard. Honestly, it is still hard.

Geez, I have a lot to say on that but right now my head is not in the right space to do so.

LukeMindPower

That is the handle of this guy. I am sure he is on multiple platforms, but this is the one that I have seen. I have said, most of the week, that it has been really bad around here. The last two weeks have been rough. This is the caption of what he said (again, pardon the language).

“You are powerful and you’re seeing this for a reason! The devil wouldn’t be attacking u so hard if there wasn’t something valuable in you… Thieves don’t break into an empty house. You’re only stressin’ cause ur not giving up! A weak mf would’ve folded. Keep going.”

I am valuable. Worthy. Loved and a child of the King.

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