Tag: marriage

Life or Something Like It

A Love Letter on Your 50th Birthday

Barefoot Faith Journey

A Love Letter on Your 50th Birthday

What can I say to you, on your big 50th? There is so much and yet I am at a loss for words. However, this is A Love Letter on Your 50th Birthday. We have spent almost 30 years together, in the same space.

You are my safe place. If a random person walked up to you, right now, and asked “where is your wife’s favorite place to be,” you would know the answer immediately. You would look them dead in the eye and say “my armpit.” You, my dear, would be 1000% correct.

Your Presence

I feel so loved when I am in your presence. You are so thoughtful to my myriad of emotions. I am fully aware that one minute I could be laughing and we are enjoying something together…the next minute I could be having a breakdown. You never judge me, yell at me, or make me feel less than.

Listening and Prayer

You don’t try to fix me (anymore), you simply sit and listen. The overwhelming feeling of being heard, loved, and accepted is just what I need on a daily basis. When I go to bed, before you, you think I don’t feel you when you put your hand gently on my leg. I know, in that moment, you are praying for me. Thank you for consistently doing that because it has made my monsters go away and more nights then not, I can sleep peacefully.

Little Things

You poop in the boys’ bathroom so I don’t have to smell it. The times when you would run out of the house to toot because it would make me gag. Always being the man with a plan when it comes to vomit with the except of the hotdogs in the washing machine. You have my coke ready in the morning. If you had pompoms, you would be the biggest, loudest, baldest cheerleader ever. You are my supporter and my number 1 fan. Thank you for making me cookies at 10:30 at night. Also, thank you for not telling me I was fat and bald even though I was overweight and my hair was falling out. Thank you for letting me buy a purse that you knew good and well I wouldn’t carry for very long.

Encourager

The encouragement you gave me while I was pursuing my dream is something that should be taught to every man who has a partner in life. When I was discouraged and doubting myself, you would pick me up and tell me that I can do it. I am capable. I am strong.

I did the biggest and scariest thing because I knew you were standing behind me, holding me up. When the kids were younger (even now), my favorite time of the day was when I heard the garage door open. I would be standing on the step, just waiting to hug you.

Dreams

You are what dreams are made of. In every wrinkle on your face and gray hair on your chin (chest and back but whatever), I see our love story written. Your eyes tell our entire love story and it isn’t finished being written. I love you endlessly and forever. Thank you for never leaving me unattended, for standing between me and the bad people, for always having my back, front, and side.

You, Big Daddy, are my forever and always. I love you (and your butt) so completely.

Happy Birthday!

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Faith Journey

Making Your Marriage a Priority

Barefoot Faith Journey

 Making Your Marriage a Priority

Making Your Marriage a Priority

Making Your Marriage a Priority is so vital. I remember in my early years of marriage, a friend told me that one day, I would write a book. When I asked what I would write about, she said “how to hate your husband but stay married.” That hit me square between the eyes.

I mean, I knew that we didn’t get along great but I thought we masked it really well. Apparently not. My dad once told me that I was “too aggressive” and that I would never stay married because my husband didn’t ever really fight back. He was more of a “door mat.” #hurtful

My father-in-law was shocked at every anniversary that went by while he was here with us. He would say “well, I’ll be damned, you are still married!” Clearly we had lots of people who believed in us LOL. Don’t get me wrong, we did (for the most part). I learned some valuable lessons.

Lesson #1

When you are mad or irritated with your spouse, do not call people and vent to them. Just don’t. For one thing, the anger doesn’t take long (most times) to get over. Another thing is that it puts a sour taste in the other person’s mouth about your spouse. That really isn’t a good thing. I don’t want people thinking badly about my husband when he (or I) have just had a moment of stupidity.

Lesson #2

Keep your parents out of it. They are not your friends, they are your parents. If you have to talk to someone, make it Jesus, pastor, or consider marriage counseling.

Lesson #3

Keep your children out of it. They are kids and they are not meant to be mediators between you and their dad (or your spouse if remarried). It is okay for them to see you upset or even arguing. They don’t need to go into life thinking marriage is always perfect, but you can keep the uglies to yourself. Show them how to pray for your spouse even when you are mad.. That speaks volumes.

Lesson #4

Date your spouse! In our early years, we had no money to date. Also, we had a bunch of kids. So, in lieu of spending money we didn’t have or getting someone to watch our kids (which we didn’t have people), think outside of the box. I would fix the kids something easy and put them to bed early. B would make a pizza for us and we would pick a movie. That was our date night! After 30 years, I can probably count on one hand how many times he has not made a pizza. We still do this though it is altered a bit. Time changes but habits don’t.

We can afford to go out, so we do twice a month (well, that started this month LOL). It is nice to reconnect and remember why we love each other. I want to incorporate movies, bowling, driving around, and golf (gasp). One step at a time and certainly not until basketball season is over!

Lesson #5

Get into church that has a class (or home group) that you can grow with and learn from. This has been a winding journey for us throughout the years. B was not saved until we had been married for seven years, so we literally went through the motions without a lot of togetherness (hence the first friend saying that LOL).

We have had ebbs and flows throughout out years but it has been consistent. Loving Jesus together is imperative to the success of your marriage. We do not do Bible studies together (shock). B is not comfortable doing that. We do not pray together as a couple (sort of). We pray for each other and he prays over me every single night (even when he is mad at me). However, we don’t sit, hold hands, and pray (unless we are at church).

You know what, that is okay! I would love for it to be different but it isn’t so that leads up to lesson #6.

Lesson #6

Don’t try and change your spouse. Those odd quirks and habits…they are there to stay for the most part. It isn’t your job to change the parts of your spouse that you don’t like. It isn’t your spouses job to change you. If changing needs to be made, that is in between you and God. That’s it. If God changes you and your spouse changes because of what changes you made, then good for you. You are not God. Let Him do the heavy lifting.

Lesson #7

Another lesson in Making Your Marriage a Priority is to Dance in the kitchen or under the stars. #worthit

Lesson #8

Have sex regularly! Remember that sometimes that isn’t something you or your spouse can do. I suggest you talk to your doctor. Otherwise, sit with each other, hug, kiss, snuggle at night…intimacy can happen on many levels! Communicate well with each other.

This is a tip from my Lady.

Lesson #9

Pro tip from Bart: Communicate.

Lesson #10

Another pro tip from Bart: Don’t cheat.

He is a man of few words but his words, when spoken, are wise.

If you have anything to add, leave me a comment and I will tack them on!

Life or Something Like It

Wonder From the Eyes of the Typical

Barefoot Faith Journey

Wonder From the Eyes of the Typical

Wonder From the Eyes of the Typical

Wonder From the Eyes of the Typical kid has inched into my brain. I use the words “typical” and “atypical” loosely. In my world, there are no “typical” kids or people. We are all a bit screwy from time to time. That is what makes the world an exciting place to live. Not being all alike, it gives areas flavor and personality.

My Reason

I used that terminology because of the movie “Wonder” that I watched last night. You can find a Christian review on this film at Plugged in Online to learn more about the different content of this movie.

They used the word “typical” in the film while referencing their oldest daughter, Via. Their youngest son, Auggie, was born with a deformity. He, too, was a biological child. For the most part, I enjoyed this movie, though it hurt my heart.

My Thoughts

This movie did not depict the strain that raising a medically fragile child can have on a marriage. The ‘parents’ seemed to get along great, and there didn’t seem to be underlying anger/hurt/resentment towards one another.

That, right there, is why this is a movie and not real life.

Raising children with special needs, whether mental, physical, life-altering, terminal, etc., have a great deal of strain on any couple. The pressure does not discriminate on whether the parents are married, co-parenting, etc. It isn’t easy. I know why people do not stay married. The all-consuming nature of special needs children is just that, all-consuming.

The Typical Child

What I feel they were pretty spot-on with is the feeling of the older daughter. The child in the shadows. The child you just let skate on and upward with because they know not to make waves. These children have learned to problem solve, maintain, and stay calm on the outside when their insides are screaming.

Guilt begins to permeate.

This movie made me think about my ‘typical’ kids and what they have seen/heard throughout the years. The pain is unbearable at the thought that I have swooshed them under the rug because I was busy putting out fires of my ‘atypical’ kids.

My kids’ needs range from minor to significant things. We have dealt with everything from Dyslexia to Mild Mental Deficit. Splash in Reactive Attachment Disorder, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, Deafness, and Opsoclonus Myoclonus Syndrome. You will have my kids in a nutshell.

Be Careful Little Eyes What You See

My kids have seen SO much over the years. I’m so blessed that they are so aware of God and follow (mostly) in His forgiving ways. To think back, it makes me shudder to remember the looks on their faces when the violence would ensue.

I can still hear the still, small voices saying “mama stop” when I had had enough. The fear that would splash across their faces when one child would rage for hours on end. This child destroyed anything and anybody in the path of the tornado rage that was bearing down on us.

My kids didn’t have anyone over. It was not safe at times. They saw me cry more times than I could count. I have learned, over the years, to be mindful of catching my emotions before they run amuck.

Did I lose track of them in those years? Was there too long of a delay before I had had my belly full? Did my other children go unnoticed because of the acts/behaviors of one or two kids?

Be Careful Little Ears What You Hear

The things my kids have heard are horrible. The threats, the evil spewed out, the anger that flows like lava. They have listened to it all. One day, amid a storm (figurative, not literal), I noticed my son. God love him. He was corraling the other children to the back of the house.

I realized that day that he was moving them to safety. He wanted to protect their little eyes and ears from all that was going down. It was at that moment that I took control back.

No more was I going to let Satan rule my house. I was done, oh so done. Everything that I was “taught” to do by the so-called foster care rules, my church, my family, friends, other caregivers, therapists, and doctors…nothing worked.

It was time that I saw the other little faces, and I stopped the insanity that had ruled my home, mind, and heart for too long. I began to stop seeking approval from those that did not have my family’s best interest in mind. There were no more doctors, medications, or therapists. I was done.

James 4:7

“Submit to God. Resist the devil. He will flee.”  James 4:7 This was the verse I would chant while the world raged around me. We made tough decisions in regards to one of our children. A decision that I tried to back out of, but my family and my physician said it was for the best. Tough decisions are sometimes the hardest ones to make but also necessary for survival.

Reflecting on our past is not all a bad thing. I must be mindful to capture the thoughts that are not of God and put them in the place they should be in my mind. From the beginning of time, he knew the children that I would have, and He has made perfect provisions for each of them. I’m so thankful that He has guarded the hearts of our typical and atypical kids from remembering everything.

Hang tough, fellow mamas in the trenches. God has our backs!

 

Faith Journey, Guest Blogger

Tested by Fire

Barefoot Faith Journey

In today’s world, a couple who has been married for 27 years is a rarity. My wife, Brandi, and I have been married for that long. One thing I know is you don’t stay married for that length of time without going through the fire. We have had our fair share of fire, for sure.

 

At the beginning of our marriage, I was not a believer. That put a massive strain on us. The first seven years of our marriage were pretty rough. I was not following the Lord and leading like I was supposed to. On several occasions, we were on the verge of divorce. But in 2001, I did surrender to Christ, and things got better, not because of us but because of Him.

 

However, things weren’t all rainbows and unicorns after I was saved. I had an addiction to pornography that started when I was in middle school. My wife was unaware, but light was shown upon the darkness with any sin. Sadly, my addiction continued after she found out, and again our marriage suffered to the point of divorce. But God saved me from my addiction, and I have been delivered from it. He worked a miracle in me and saved our marriage.

 

But as always, life gets in the way of happiness. Job, children, finances, etc., were all distractions to our marriage. Many hurts happened, and we had grown apart. It felt like we were spiraling towards separation again, but God intervened. It was like he hit me over the head with a frying pan. He showed me that I was too focused on myself. I fell on my face and gave it all to the Lord. I decided to love, honor, serve and cherish my wife. God made me realize I was not fulfilling my role as her husband.

 

Since that night, I have done my best to live up to that decision. And I must say; that our marriage is on the mend.

 

Are we perfect people? No.

 

Will we always do or say the right thing? No.

 

Do we/I have the power to choose to love, honor and obey God and each other? Yes.

 

What I’m trying to get at here is that through it all, we have persevered. Has it all been bad? Not. We have more good years than bad. We dwell on the bad more, which is not how it should be.

 

But truth be told, God put Brandi and me together for a purpose. He did not make a mistake because He doesn’t make mistakes. I have loved her from the beginning. I have never stopped. She will forever and always be the one I choose and the one chosen for me. I love her more every day and will love her for the rest of my life. Love you, babe!

 

 

Faith Journey

Uhm Just Yes to All of This

Barefoot Faith Journey
Uhm Just Yes to All of ThisShe Tells Her Grandma That She’s Just Been Cheated On So Grandma Tells Her To Do This
A young woman went to her grandmother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her – her husband had cheated on her and she was devastated. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as soon as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her grandmother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last, she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her granddaughter, she asked, ‘Tell me what you see.’

‘Carrots, eggs, and coffee,’ she replied.

Her grandmother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The grandmother then asked the granddaughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.

Finally, the grandmother asked the granddaughter to sip the coffee. The granddaughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The granddaughter then asked, ‘What does it mean, grandmother?’

Explanation

Her grandmother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

Poignant Question by Grandma

“Which are you?” she asked her granddaughter. “When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity? Do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship, or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain.. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level?

How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?

Wishes for You

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can’t go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you’re the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

May we all be like the COFFEE.

~~Up Moments~~