Tag: Boundaries Matter

The Foundation Blocks of Healthy Relationships

Elizabeth B. Brown discusses the Foundation Blocks of Healthy Relationships in her book Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People. She places them under four headings—first, respect. Then, accepting personal responsibility for one’s behavior. There is also allowing others to bear the consequences of their behavior. Lastly, caring without enabling.

Objectivity in Healthy Relationships

“Objectivity in healthy relationships encourages each person to be responsible for his own choices and actions and the consequences of them.” There is my problem. I do not have objectivity. Honestly, I don’t know how to have that in these relationships. How does one care without enabling a person? Hmmm. If I respond with simple direct responses, that comes across as cold and unfeeling, which could hurt someone’s feelings. However, if I give too much fluff or information, it can be used against me. In my eyes, I can’t win. I don’t know how to walk that fine line.  

“Turning a toxic relationship into a healthy one requires hard work and a new vision. You can’t change your situation if you fail to see the problems and the options.” In my situation, I can see the problems quite clearly; however, I can’t see the options. Rock and hard place is where I’m constantly sitting.

Questions to Ask Yourself

“These six questions will jump-start your efforts to unscrew difficult relationship problems.”

1. What emotional tornadoes does the difficult person in your life spin off?
2. How do you react to the screwed-up person in your life?
3. How does your difficult person react to your reactions?
4. If the other person is the problem, are you growing unhealthy actions and reactions in response to him or her?
5. Are you the screwed-up person driving others to reactive behavior?
6. How do others react to your actions and responses?

It’s easy to offer a surface-level response or sugarcoat a complicated situation, but true resolution requires honesty. Making light of conflict does not serve anyone involved. It’s important to be completely truthful with oneself and acknowledge any role played in the situation. If possible, an apology should be offered. If direct communication isn’t safe, writing an unsent letter can still provide closure.

However, when a relationship repeatedly causes great conflict, boundaries are necessary. Setting limits can feel daunting, especially when there’s fear of losing the relationship entirely. It’s easier with acquaintances or distant friends, but with family, it can be excruciating. Yet, boundaries are an act of self-preservation, not punishment. They protect emotional well-being and allow for healthier interactions.

Many struggle with setting boundaries due to fear of rejection or abandonment. The worry that enforcing limits will lead to silence or a severed connection can be overwhelming. But allowing unhealthy dynamics to continue unchecked only leads to deeper hurt and resentment. Boundaries are not about pushing people away; they are about ensuring relationships are built on mutual respect.

The reality is that not everyone will respond well to boundaries. Some may push back, others may walk away. That is painful, but it is also revealing. Healthy relationships can withstand and respect boundaries. Unhealthy ones often rely on their absence.

There is strength in facing fears and in refusing to let past pain dictate the future. Establishing boundaries is an act of courage—one that prioritizes emotional and mental well-being. Forward, with faith.

It Takes Only One Person to Change a Relationship

“Do you really want to bring about positive change in your negative relationships? If so, you must be willing to change first. Unless you change first, it is unlikely your relationship will do anything but sink deeper into distress. Reactive behavior rarely brings positive change. It is impossible to continue the same type of interaction if one of the parties has metamorphosed his or her actions and responses.”  

“Patterns can be reversed. It is possible to regain control of thoughts and restructure a life that abuse has tumbled into chaos through the years. People can change. You can change.”

Clear Vision Test

In Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People, Elizabeth B. Brown outlines this test with these instructions: 1=never; 2=sometimes feel this; 3=quite often feel this. Answer honestly and do one test per complicated relationship.

1. I stew and seethe in silence before our time together.
2. I worry about and anticipate difficulties and chaos that will come after most of our times together.
3. I feel manipulated, intimidated, and controlled most of the time.
4. I feel unappreciated most of the time.
5. I feel I am always having to defend myself.
6. I feel overwhelming guilt after our being together.
7. I feel like “something is eating me alive.”
8. My conversations with others often spin off the negative actions or reactions I have to this person.
9. I seem unable to control my anger, resentment, or hurt.
10. I feel like I will never be able to measure up to what is expected.
11. I feel like a loser when I express my ideas, needs, or beliefs.
12. I try to plan out my actions and reactions before we get together.
13. I fantasize about getting even.
14. I fantasize about getting out.
15. I feel I must protect someone other than myself from harm – physical or psychological-caused by the difficult person.
16. I long to help this person change so he or she will be happier.
17. I long to help this person change so I will be happier.
18. I explode at the most unexpected times.
19. I do not feel happy most of the time.
20. I don’t like me most of the time.
21. Most of the time I long for our relationship to be different.

If your score is:

21: Your relationship is normal and healthy.

22-34: Your relationship is skewed.

35-63: Your relationship and your reactions to it are unhealthy.

Reach Out

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We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

📞 Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.