Tag: identity

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, Faith Journey

Think Positive

Brandi C

Think Positive

Think Positive

Think Positive. Do you ever find it hard to think positively about yourself or accept something said by others that is positive? I know I do. Do you find it easier to believe the bad things about yourself whether others have said it to you or you have told yourself? I know I do that too.

Remember this, you are a child of the King and He says that you are fearfully and wonderfully created (Psalm 139:14). Also remember that other people’s opinions of you are a THEM problem, not a YOU problem. If they want to think badly of you, let them. You can’t change that and it is okay.

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

đź“ž Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

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Faith Journey

To Conform or Not to Conform

Brandi C

To Conform or Not to Conform

To Conform or Not to Conform

To Conform or Not to Conform

I’ve struggled with self-esteem issues for most of my life. Despite having loving parents and people invested in my life, I couldn’t understand why I felt the way I did. Now, looking back, I see how loved I was, but hindsight is 20/20. Back then, I didn’t see it. I saw myself as the girl in the “stupid kid class,” who struggled with adding, multiplication, telling time, or even understanding what an adverb was. My peers stared at me and made fun of me daily. It was an incredibly difficult time. The question of the day is To Conform or Not to Conform.

How Many Legs Does a Dog Have?

In Kindergarten, the teachers wanted to hold me back because I answered a question wrong on a test. I was asked how many legs a dog had, and I said 3. I remember my mother rushing into the classroom, defending me, saying something like, “She’s not stupid. She just hasn’t seen a four-legged dog.” Let that sink in. I was six years old and had never seen a four-legged dog. It still blows my mind.

6th Grade Drama

In sixth grade, with its hot guys, pegged jeans, and jean jackets, I couldn’t fit in. I was placed in the “stupid” class, and I remember walking in line, being stared at and laughed at by my peers. My mother made sure I didn’t stay there long, though I’m not sure what she said to make that happen. Eventually, I moved back into the mainstream classes.

Always Different

I’ve always felt different. No matter how hard I tried, I never fit in. There were moments when I copied the other girls’ hairstyles, wore trendy clothes, and said things I thought would help me blend in. But instead, I just looked foolish and isolated myself further.

Wearing My Mask

I often wore different “faces” depending on the situation. At school, I wore the “I don’t care that I have no friends and can’t understand my homework” face. When at church, I wore the “sanctified, holier-than-thou” face. At home, I wore the “sullen, no one understands me” face. I had a mask for every setting.

Reed in a Hurricane Syndrome

This “reed in the hurricane” mentality set me up for some difficult experiences. I faced abuse, eating issues, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and depression. My intense need to fit in led me down a dangerous path, but despite the pain, I’m grateful that God protected me from further harm.

Coming to Peace

Over the years, I transformed into someone I can finally be at peace with. The exhaustion of pretending to be someone I wasn’t became overwhelming. Eventually, I stopped caring what others thought of me. What matters now is knowing who I am and WHOSE I am.

What Has Been Said About Me

I’ve been told that I can’t be a submissive and honoring wife because I’m too bold and outspoken. Once, I was accused of controlling my husband and not allowing him to make decisions for our family. I’ve been told I only love my husband when he does things for me. There have been times that I’ve been criticized for homeschooling my children, with people claiming I wasn’t smart enough to teach them. But my children have excelled—going to college and becoming successful, well-rounded individuals.

I’ve been called an adulterous person for praying with a man over his marriage. I’ve been told that I will never be taken seriously and that I’m not perceived as intelligent. These statements have hurt me and made me question who I am. But then I stop and remember WHOSE I am. I am a child of the King.

He Knows Me

Psalm 139:13-16 says, “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them.”

Truths About Me

For those who want to know who I am, here it is: I love my Lord with all my heart and soul. I’m passionate about caring for the needy and reaching out to those no one else wants to be around. I love my husband, my children, and my grandchildren. My Lord comes first, my husband comes second, and my children come third. Everyone else will have to take a number.

I wear hot pink hair with some purple most of the time. I hold those I love very close to my heart. Trust is difficult for me, but I can read people well. I love to sit and observe. I enjoy feeding people and use humor to cover up my hurts. Friendships aren’t easy for me, and I have a brain of my own. Forgiveness is hard for me, but I do it. I can admit when I’m wrong and apologize. Lying is unacceptable.

Be Kind

If you don’t like me or have assumptions about me, that’s okay. But if you want to know something, ask. Don’t judge a person based on a snap decision. Take the time to get to know them. Sit at their table, learn their story, and be mindful of your words.

Different Does Not Mean Bad

I am different. In the end, I will never walk the same path you walk, and I won’t try to be someone I’m not. Seriously, I won’t be the super-smart one, and I’ll never bend the truth just to make someone happy. I will speak my truth and tell you if you’ve hurt my feelings. There are many days when I don’t like to cry, and my job is not to please people. My calling is to love God and love my neighbor. That is what I strive to do.

Salt and Light

Matthew 5:13-16 says, “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot. You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead, they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.”

I will stand out, be noticed, and not hide my light. Honestly, I will be myself, and I will encourage, feed, and love you—whether you like it or not. Salt and light, people… salt and light. My hot pink light will shine brightly until the return of Christ. Embrace it, enjoy it, or walk away. The choice is yours.

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Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

What Would Happen if She Found Out

Brandi C

In What Would Happen if She Found Out, my guest blogger talks about what would happen if the people she loved most knew the truth?

What Would Happen if She Found Out

What Would Happen if She Found Out

That I was more different than she had ever thought

That I was the one thing she couldn’t tolerate

 

Would she kick me out

Or would she hate me

Would she quit loving me

 

I would love to say no

But in reality, the answer is yes

Yes, she would do all three

 

Go To Hell

 

I’ve been told several times growing up that it’s wrong

If you think that way, you go to Hell

If you act that way, you go to Hell

 

So, of course, I didn’t want to admit that I am what I am

I didn’t want anyone to know my preference

Because I myself ignored it, hoping it would go away

 

Yet here I am at the age I am realizing really, for the first time

What I am and which people I like

And I’m worried about her reaction if she were ever to find out.

 

What I Have Been Told

 

Growing up, I’ve been told that she would rather DIE than have a child like me

Well, a child who likes a person of the same gender

I was told that she would rather stay in the dark than be told

 

So I’m going to respect her wishes

And not telling her

I’ll just let her die thinking she had at least one semi-normal child

Sure it’s a lie, but at least she’ll be happy

 

It’s the least I can do

She deserves to be happy

And I deserve to have a standing relationship

with at least one member of my family

The Trevor Project

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

I Should Have Known

Brandi C

 

I Should Have Known

I Should Have Known

I should have known something wasn’t right

When you told me you loved me for the first time

And I didn’t say it back

 

I should have known something was up.

When I couldn’t stand the fact that you wrote me love letters

Or when you posted love stuff on social media

I mean, I didn’t even “like” the post

 

Not My Type

 

I should have realized much sooner

That you weren’t my type

way before I let it go as far as I did

You were not the problem; it was me

 

I was the one starting things trying to get you to leave first.

And I didn’t know why then, but I do now

I just wasn’t into the whole thing

 

I wasn’t into the wedding

Also, I wasn’t into fooling around

and I definitely wasn’t into having sex

 

What I Wanted

 

I just wanted to feel loved and wanted

You seemed to care and want me

So I tried to play along

 

I tried to compromise all of my feelings

To fulfill your needs

Give you what you wanted.

To support you in any and all ways that I could

 

Reality

 

But in reality, all I was doing was lying to myself

Lying to you

And lying to my family

 

Lying about why I felt that way

And lying about what I truly wanted

lying about my life

 

Hiding

 

All I wanted was to feel loved and accepted

that is why I didn’t end it sooner

that is why I didn’t confess that I didn’t truly have feelings

at least not romantic feelings.

 

I did it because I wanted to cover up what I already knew

And that I wasn’t ready, to tell the truth,

Which is I like girls

And there is nothing I can do to make people accept, so I hide

And think over the fact that I am different than the rest.

 

The Trevor Project

Faith in Hard Places. Healing in Real Life.

The Little Squares of Life

Brandi C

The Little Squares of Life

The Little Squares of Life

In The Little Squares of Life, what do you see? I see skinny people with flawless makeup (the women anyway). Also, I see homemade meals and clean, organized houses. Pets can speak three languages and never need walking because they can use the toilet. Little humans wearing matching clothes never shed a tear or throw a royal fit. They are always smiling with their perfectly cut hair.

What I See

I see manicured yards, ideally educated children. These children speak the same languages as their pets plus one more for fun. They are involved in 25 sports each and excel at each mark. People who love Jesus are the world’s holy ones. They are most certainly blessed with new cars, new houses, and health. Everyone seems to be healthy. Happy, all photos are of happy people.

What a delusion!

Behind The Little Squares of Life is the reality. Marriages falling apart behind the smiles. Kids with dirt under their fingernails and enough earwax to make a candle. Sickness behind the smiles, whether that is life-altering illnesses or mental illnesses and anything in between. It could be a chronic thing or a thing they are too embarrassed to see a doctor for. In that scenario, they are too ashamed to go and ask because they are afraid of what they will find. Taking that further, they are so scared nothing is wrong, and they have embarrassed themselves in front of their doctor and now have a bill to pay.

Reality

Burnt dinners, mailboxes with something green growing on them. Weeds are hidden amongst the hostas. Addictions, hatefulness, and spikes in anger run rampant—people who are broken and tired because of a wayward child. Adult children are now turning into the parents of their parents who are sick.

Green for a Reason

Yes, a beautiful green yard can be seen from across the way. Lush green grass that looks like it is taunting you to come across the street and walk barefoot through it. You don’t realize that as you take your shoes off and tiptoe in the neighbor’s yard, you suddenly feel the truth. That lush green grass is lush for a reason. They have a septic issue, and you are walking through feces water.

Good times.

When are we going to start living in the reality of life? Why do we (I) continue to compare ourselves to others when I know the story behind the picture. I get so tired of this little game that may be in my head.

Take a Moment

Behind every picture is pain a lot of times. The one who loves her pets more than the typical person may be the one who struggles with infertility. There is the one that smiles through daily death or near-death experiences due to a calling of her life. One is always smiling with her children, yet divorce is on the horizon due to addiction.

Every picture is different.

Also, every person is different. Do not ever assume something based on a snapshot. Please, for love, do not judge those who think he/she should “know” better. Someone who “should not have” adopted children. Thoughts on if a person is too overweight or underweight.

People hide their pain behind humor and smiles.

They want you to think about all the good things about them because they are hurting so deeply. If you get too close, you will smell fear on them or pain. Then the questions come that they may or may not know the answer to.

You Can Help

Ask someone (a friend, family, acquaintance, or a stranger) how their day is BUT mean it. Maybe they will be honest with you, from that point on, pra for them. Now, don’t just say you will pray for them. Honestly, most people say that, and they never do it. You can be different. Lay your hands on them and pray for them. Send them off with a smile.

Ask how you can help. Do they need children’s care? A meal or a ride? Is there some spot where you can be the hands and feet of Jesus for that person? Send them Scripture through text or FB message. Take the sin out of social media and interject Jesus all over it!

 

Faith in Hard Places. Healing in Real Life.

Fat Girls and Field Mice

Brandi C

Fat Girls and Field Mice

Fat Girls and Field Mice

Let’s pretend you’re a fly on the wall and I’m going to tell you a story of Fat Girls and Field Mice.

It’s around midnight, and I’m heading to bed when I have a sweet little thought. I say to myself, “Self, you should grab a note from your love notebook and sneak it into Big Daddy’s lunchbox. Give the man a thrill in the middle of his workday.” Cute, right?

So, after I’ve already been upstairs and snuggled under the covers, I decide to get up and do just that.

Trying to Be Sneaky

I grab a love note and quietly tiptoe downstairs. Now, I’m convinced Big Daddy can hear a pin drop from across the house—even with three fans on and the bedroom door shut. So I’m being extra sneaky.

I get to the kitchen and realize his lunchbox is in the pantry. No big deal. I open the pantry door, and out of nowhere, a mouse runs over my foot.

Yep. A. Mouse.

She didn’t even flinch. That thing was already wearing an apron and making herself at home. I tried to negotiate, but she was settled in.

Things I Do Not Do

Now listen, I’m a woman of many talents, but there are three things I do not do:

  1. Boats

  2. Touch raw chicken

  3. Mice

So, what does this grown woman do? I grab my boobs and start jumping up and down like a middle schooler at a boy band concert. Then I freeze, completely still, and ask myself, “Is this warm feeling from the fireplace, or did I just pee?” Thankfully, it was the fireplace.

I tiptoe into the dining room, grab the giant dog bed, and wedge it in front of the pantry door to trap the mouse. Mission “contain the rodent” activated.

Sound the Alarm

I rush back upstairs, no longer quiet. I’m practically levitating in front of Big Daddy, squealing about the Montana-sized mouse in our pantry—right next to my Coke stash, mind you. I tell him he must do something. My nerves are shot, I’m sweating in all the wrong places, and I’m about one anxious toot away from a sonic boom.

Big Daddy finally rolls out of bed (think John Wayne meets grumpy bear), grabs glue traps, and prepares for battle.

Supportive Wife Mode: Activated

Meanwhile, I’m standing on a dining room chair, shouting encouraging statements like:

  • “I love you!”

  • “You’re amazing!”

  • “Focus!”

  • “It’ll eat your feet!”

  • “I’ll go get a cat!”

He was thrilled. Couldn’t you just feel the love?

Get a Cat

Glue traps weren’t working. So Big Daddy says, “Get a cat.” Music to my ears.

I run outside—barefoot, in my drawers—and yell for our cats. Martha comes first. I scoop her up and toss her to Big Daddy like a furry grenade. He throws her into the pantry and shuts the door.

Funniest Scene Ever

Every time he cracked the pantry door to check progress, Martha bolted out like she was screaming, “SANCTUARY!” She wanted no part of this rodent rodeo. After several failed attempts, I let her go.

Next up: Starr. She’s not the friendliest feline, but I figured her attitude might be the secret weapon. Same process, same result. Open door, toss cat, close door, pity crack the door open, and whoosh—Starr escapes with a hiss.

The Final Attempt

While I’m still perched like a sweaty gargoyle on the chair, Big Daddy makes one last attempt. He tosses the cat in, shuts the door, and then—bam—the mouse darts out. Big Daddy does a jig, I scream like I’m being chased by a clown, and Starr wants nothing to do with us.

The mouse heads straight under the cabinet. Starr exits stage left with her tail puffed and pride bruised. Big Daddy glares at me and blames me for scaring the mouse. Seriously?

So Much for Romance

I told him, “My plan was to be sweet and seductive and sneak a love note into your lunchbox. Now you’ll just have to deal with granny panties and leg hair long enough to braid. I’m done.”

As I finally calmed down and got back into bed, he mutters, “You know, mice can climb stairs and squeeze under doors. She might end up in bed with us.”

Sweet dreams, right?

The mouse is still out there. Probably redecorating behind my cabinets. First the pig, now the mouse—we’ve been outsmarted twice in a week. Is this just me, or do normal people go through this?

Also—where are my nephews and their homemade blow-darts when you need them?

Sigh.

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