Tag: living successfully with screwed-up people by elizabeth brown

Book Review, Circle of Hope Counseling Services

What Does ‘New Vision’ Mean

Brandi C

 What Does 'New Vision' Mean

What Does ‘New Vision’ Mean

Elizabeth B. Brown discusses the importance of gaining a new vision in her book, Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People. The idea of focusing on what is present rather than what is lacking in a difficult relationship is a powerful shift in perspective.

This concept resonates deeply. Fractured relationships can sometimes overshadow the joy found in those still present. Some may struggle to relate to this feeling, while others nod in understanding.

Conversations with trusted individuals can bring clarity. A friend, though distant for many years, offered wisdom and honesty that was both challenging and necessary. Sometimes, it is easier to seek validation from those who agree, but real growth comes from listening to hard truths.

Reading this book further reinforced the lessons learned. It highlights the concept of Aerial Vision—a broader perspective that removes arbitrary triggers and reveals that control in relationships is a choice. No one can dictate emotions or reactions unless that control is permitted. A difficult relationship is a shared dynamic; it takes two to sustain conflict.

Healing requires acknowledging personal responsibility while understanding that not all relational difficulties stem from one person alone. Apologizing when necessary is important, but dwelling in shame is harmful. Genuine repentance means making amends when possible, but if reconciliation is refused, the burden of guilt should not remain.

In some cases, apologies have been extended even without knowing the exact wrongdoing, simply to restore peace. However, when miscommunication persists and resolution remains elusive, sometimes the best step forward is releasing the situation and moving on.

Boundaries play a crucial role in managing complex relationships. Fear of rejection can make setting limits difficult, especially with close relationships. But maintaining unhealthy dynamics for fear of losing a connection only prolongs the pain. Relationships built on respect will withstand boundaries, while those dependent on control and manipulation will resist them.

This book underscores the reality that difficult relationships can feel like swamps—murky, filled with obstacles, and exhausting to navigate. However, a shift in perspective can illuminate a path forward. Choices determine whether a person remains stuck in turmoil or moves toward renewal.

True peace may not always mean reconciliation. While the hope for healing remains, it is not always possible. In such cases, seeking peace and setting firm boundaries are acts of self-preservation. As the book states, “The swamp bottom is often the beginning of renewal.” Embracing a broader vision fosters strength, clarity, and a healthier way forward.

Reach Out

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

📞 Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

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Book Review, Circle of Hope Counseling Services

The Foundation Blocks of Healthy Relationships

Brandi C

The Foundation Blocks of Healthy Relationships

The Foundation Blocks of Healthy Relationships

Elizabeth B. Brown discusses the Foundation Blocks of Healthy Relationships in her book Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People. She places them under four headings—first, respect. Then, accepting personal responsibility for one’s behavior. There is also allowing others to bear the consequences of their behavior. Lastly, caring without enabling.

Objectivity in Healthy Relationships

“Objectivity in healthy relationships encourages each person to be responsible for his own choices and actions and the consequences of them.” There is my problem. I do not have objectivity. Honestly, I don’t know how to have that in these relationships. How does one care without enabling a person? Hmmm. If I respond with simple direct responses, that comes across as cold and unfeeling, which could hurt someone’s feelings. However, if I give too much fluff or information, it can be used against me. In my eyes, I can’t win. I don’t know how to walk that fine line.  

“Turning a toxic relationship into a healthy one requires hard work and a new vision. You can’t change your situation if you fail to see the problems and the options.” In my situation, I can see the problems quite clearly; however, I can’t see the options. Rock and hard place is where I’m constantly sitting.

Questions to Ask Yourself

“These six questions will jump-start your efforts to unscrew difficult relationship problems.”

  1. What emotional tornadoes does the difficult person in your life spin off?
  2. How do you react to the screwed-up person in your life?
  3. How does your difficult person react to your reactions?
  4. If the other person is the problem, are you growing unhealthy actions and reactions in response to him or her?
  5. Are you the screwed-up person driving others to reactive behavior?
  6. How do others react to your actions and responses?

It’s easy to offer a surface-level response or sugarcoat a complicated situation, but true resolution requires honesty. Making light of conflict does not serve anyone involved. It’s important to be completely truthful with oneself and acknowledge any role played in the situation. If possible, an apology should be offered. If direct communication isn’t safe, writing an unsent letter can still provide closure.

However, when a relationship repeatedly causes great conflict, boundaries are necessary. Setting limits can feel daunting, especially when there’s fear of losing the relationship entirely. It’s easier with acquaintances or distant friends, but with family, it can be excruciating. Yet, boundaries are an act of self-preservation, not punishment. They protect emotional well-being and allow for healthier interactions.

Many struggle with setting boundaries due to fear of rejection or abandonment. The worry that enforcing limits will lead to silence or a severed connection can be overwhelming. But allowing unhealthy dynamics to continue unchecked only leads to deeper hurt and resentment. Boundaries are not about pushing people away; they are about ensuring relationships are built on mutual respect.

The reality is that not everyone will respond well to boundaries. Some may push back, others may walk away. That is painful, but it is also revealing. Healthy relationships can withstand and respect boundaries. Unhealthy ones often rely on their absence.

There is strength in facing fears and in refusing to let past pain dictate the future. Establishing boundaries is an act of courage—one that prioritizes emotional and mental well-being. Forward, with faith.

It Takes Only One Person to Change a Relationship

“Do you really want to bring about positive change in your negative relationships? If so, you must be willing to change first. Unless you change first, it is unlikely your relationship will do anything but sink deeper into distress. Reactive behavior rarely brings positive change. It is impossible to continue the same type of interaction if one of the parties has metamorphosed his or her actions and responses.”  

“Patterns can be reversed. It is possible to regain control of thoughts and restructure a life that abuse has tumbled into chaos through the years. People can change. You can change.”

Clear Vision Test

In Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People, Elizabeth B. Brown outlines this test with these instructions: 1=never; 2=sometimes feel this; 3=quite often feel this. Answer honestly and do one test per complicated relationship.

  1. I stew and seethe in silence before our time together.
  2. I worry about and anticipate difficulties and chaos that will come after most of our times together.
  3. I feel manipulated, intimidated, and controlled most of the time.
  4. I feel unappreciated most of the time.
  5. I feel I am always having to defend myself.
  6. I feel overwhelming guilt after our being together.
  7. I feel like “something is eating me alive.”
  8. My conversations with others often spin off the negative actions or reactions I have to this person.
  9. I seem unable to control my anger, resentment, or hurt.
  10. I feel like I will never be able to measure up to what is expected.
  11. I feel like a loser when I express my ideas, needs, or beliefs.
  12. I try to plan out my actions and reactions before we get together.
  13. I fantasize about getting even.
  14. I fantasize about getting out.
  15. I feel I must protect someone other than myself from harm – physical or psychological-caused by the difficult person.
  16. I long to help this person change so he or she will be happier.
  17. I long to help this person change so I will be happier.
  18. I explode at the most unexpected times.
  19. I do not feel happy most of the time.
  20. I don’t like me most of the time.
  21. Most of the time I long for our relationship to be different.

If your score is:

21: Your relationship is normal and healthy.

22-34: Your relationship is skewed.

35-63: Your relationship and your reactions to it are unhealthy.

Reach Out

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

📞 Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.