Tag: book reviews

Book Review, Circle of Hope Counseling Services

Dancing with a Porcupine

Brandi C

download

Dancing with a Porcupine: Navigating the Challenges of Trauma-Informed Parenting

Raising a child who has experienced trauma can be a complex and emotionally draining journey. In Dancing with a Porcupine by Jennie Owens, she shares her deeply personal story of parenting children from hard places while struggling to maintain her own well-being. The book offers an honest look at the challenges of trauma-informed parenting and the toll it can take on caregivers.

The Realities of Parenting Children from Hard Places

Children who have endured neglect, abuse, or other traumatic experiences often exhibit behaviors that are difficult to manage. They may struggle with trust, emotional regulation, and forming healthy attachments. Owens provides a raw and unfiltered view of what it means to parent a child who, because of past trauma, may resist love and connection in unexpected ways.

Rather than offering easy solutions, Dancing with a Porcupine highlights the reality that trauma healing is a slow and nonlinear process. Owens shares her personal struggles with exhaustion, burnout, and the emotional weight of caring for children with significant needs.

The Importance of Self-Care for Caregivers

One of the book’s most important messages is that caregivers must prioritize their own well-being. Many parents, especially those caring for children with trauma histories, neglect their own physical and mental health in the pursuit of helping their children heal. Owens candidly shares how pushing herself to the limit led to severe health issues, forcing her to rethink what it meant to be a good parent.

The book emphasizes that self-care isn’t selfish—it’s essential. Without it, caregivers risk burnout and may become unable to provide the stability and patience their children need. Dancing with a Porcupine encourages caregivers to seek support, set boundaries, and find ways to replenish their emotional reserves.

Learning to Dance Instead of Fight

The title of the book is a powerful metaphor for the experience of trauma-informed parenting. Parenting a child with trauma can feel like dancing with a porcupine—there are moments of closeness, but also times when the child’s defensive behaviors create painful barriers. Owens discusses how shifting perspectives, embracing grace, and allowing space for healing can transform the parenting journey.

Rather than engaging in constant battles, caregivers can learn to adapt, move with their child’s needs, and create an environment where healing can take place at its own pace. Dancing with a Porcupine doesn’t promise a perfect outcome, but it does offer hope and reassurance that even in the hardest moments, progress is possible.

A Must-Read for Trauma-Informed Parents

This book is a must-read for foster parents, adoptive parents, and anyone caring for children with complex trauma histories. Owens’ honesty and vulnerability make it a relatable and invaluable resource for those navigating similar challenges.

Parenting children from hard places is not an easy road, but Dancing with a Porcupine reminds caregivers that they are not alone. By prioritizing self-care, seeking support, and embracing a mindset of flexibility and grace, it is possible to navigate the difficulties of trauma-informed parenting while maintaining hope and resilience.

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

📞 Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

Related Posts

Mental Health for Challenging Kids and Their Parents

Book Review, Circle of Hope Counseling Services

A Survive Moment is also a Thrive Moment

Brandi C

A Survive Moment is also a Thrive Moment

A Survive Moment is also a Thrive Moment

The Whole-Brain Child: Understanding Integration

The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson explores how parents can transform everyday challenges into opportunities for growth and learning. The book emphasizes the importance of responding thoughtfully to difficult moments, fostering communication, and encouraging emotional resilience. A Survive Moment is also a Thrive Moment which is a huge statement.

Instead of simply managing conflicts, caregivers can use these moments to teach reflective listening, perspective-taking, and problem-solving skills. While it may not always be possible to handle every situation perfectly, making an effort to approach challenges with awareness and intention can have a lasting impact.

Becoming an Expert on Your Child

Understanding a child’s needs and experiences is crucial for effective advocacy. Medical and mental health professionals provide valuable insights, but caregivers often have the most comprehensive understanding of a child’s unique history and needs. By actively researching, asking questions, and trusting intuition, caregivers can become strong advocates for their child’s well-being.

The Whole-Brain Child explains that the brain is shaped by experiences, and parenting choices significantly influence a child’s development. Even when past mistakes have been made, intentional efforts to foster understanding and connection can create positive change for future generations.

The Power of Storytelling

Revisiting and processing past experiences is an important part of emotional healing. One effective method for children to work through difficult memories is storytelling. Creating a personal narrative allows them to organize their thoughts, understand emotions, and reframe challenging experiences in a way that feels manageable.

A simple way to facilitate this process is by making a small book where the child narrates their experience, filling in details with guidance. Through illustrations and repeated discussions, they gain control over their story, helping to shift traumatic events from overwhelming memories to manageable ones.

The Concept of Integration

Integration is the process of linking different parts of the brain to create a well-functioning whole. When integration occurs, emotional regulation improves, and individuals can respond to situations with greater flexibility and understanding.

Dis-integration, on the other hand, happens when a person operates solely from the emotional, reactive parts of the brain rather than engaging the logical, problem-solving areas. This can lead to either chaotic emotional responses or extreme rigidity in thinking and behavior.

The goal is to cultivate balance—helping individuals stay centered between emotional overwhelm and excessive control. By recognizing the signs of dis-integration and taking steps to process emotions constructively, caregivers can support both themselves and their children in achieving emotional resilience and stability.

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

📞 Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

Related Posts

Not All Scars Can Be Seen

 

Book Review, Circle of Hope Counseling Services

Brain Integration

Brandi C

More on Brain Integration

Brain Integration

Understanding Brain Integration

Integration is the process of connecting the distinct parts of the brain so they work together as a whole. When emotions become overwhelming and chaos takes over, the brain is in a state of dis-integration rather than integration. This is not an ideal state, as it leads to either emotional chaos or extreme rigidity, both of which hinder healthy responses and relationships.

Types of Integration

Two primary types of brain integration are crucial for overall well-being: horizontal and vertical integration.

  1. Horizontal Integration – This occurs when the logical, analytical left brain works in harmony with the emotional, intuitive right brain. When these two sides are disconnected, emotional responses can become either too rigid or too chaotic.
  2. Vertical Integration – This type ensures that the upstairs brain (responsible for higher-order thinking and decision-making) effectively communicates with the downstairs brain (which governs instinctive reactions, gut feelings, and survival responses). When this integration is disrupted, responses can be impulsive and reactive rather than thoughtful and measured.

The Brain’s Ability to Change

The good news is that the brain is malleable. New neural pathways can be created, meaning old habits and automatic reactions are not set in stone. Over time, with intentional effort, negative patterns can be replaced with healthier responses. The brain’s ability to rewire itself allows for continuous growth and healing.

“When neurons fire together, they grow new connections between them. Over time, the connections that result from firing lead to ‘rewiring’ in the brain. This means that we aren’t held captive for the rest of our lives by how our brain currently functions—we can rewire it to be healthier and happier.”

The River of Well-Being

A well-integrated brain is like a boat floating smoothly down a river—calm, steady, and balanced. When dis-integration occurs, the current shifts towards one of two extremes:

  • Chaos: A state where emotions feel out of control, leading to confusion and turmoil.
  • Rigidity: A state of excessive control, where there is an inability to adapt, compromise, or be flexible.

Both extremes create challenges in emotional regulation and relationships. The goal is to remain in the center of the river, maintaining flexibility, adaptability, and stability.

Recognizing and Achieving Integration

When chaos or rigidity is present, it is a sign that integration is lacking. A well-integrated individual demonstrates mental and emotional health by being adaptable, stable, and self-aware.

The key to fostering integration is recognizing patterns of dis-integration and consciously working towards balance. This requires developing awareness of emotional responses, pausing before reacting, and intentionally guiding thoughts and actions toward connection rather than control or emotional overwhelm.

Maintaining brain integration is an ongoing process, but with effort and awareness, it is possible to cultivate healthier interactions and a more balanced state of mind.

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

📞 Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

Related Posts

Be Kind to Your Mind

Book Review, Circle of Hope Counseling Services

What Does ‘New Vision’ Mean

Brandi C

 What Does 'New Vision' Mean

What Does ‘New Vision’ Mean

Elizabeth B. Brown discusses the importance of gaining a new vision in her book, Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People. The idea of focusing on what is present rather than what is lacking in a difficult relationship is a powerful shift in perspective.

This concept resonates deeply. Fractured relationships can sometimes overshadow the joy found in those still present. Some may struggle to relate to this feeling, while others nod in understanding.

Conversations with trusted individuals can bring clarity. A friend, though distant for many years, offered wisdom and honesty that was both challenging and necessary. Sometimes, it is easier to seek validation from those who agree, but real growth comes from listening to hard truths.

Reading this book further reinforced the lessons learned. It highlights the concept of Aerial Vision—a broader perspective that removes arbitrary triggers and reveals that control in relationships is a choice. No one can dictate emotions or reactions unless that control is permitted. A difficult relationship is a shared dynamic; it takes two to sustain conflict.

Healing requires acknowledging personal responsibility while understanding that not all relational difficulties stem from one person alone. Apologizing when necessary is important, but dwelling in shame is harmful. Genuine repentance means making amends when possible, but if reconciliation is refused, the burden of guilt should not remain.

In some cases, apologies have been extended even without knowing the exact wrongdoing, simply to restore peace. However, when miscommunication persists and resolution remains elusive, sometimes the best step forward is releasing the situation and moving on.

Boundaries play a crucial role in managing complex relationships. Fear of rejection can make setting limits difficult, especially with close relationships. But maintaining unhealthy dynamics for fear of losing a connection only prolongs the pain. Relationships built on respect will withstand boundaries, while those dependent on control and manipulation will resist them.

This book underscores the reality that difficult relationships can feel like swamps—murky, filled with obstacles, and exhausting to navigate. However, a shift in perspective can illuminate a path forward. Choices determine whether a person remains stuck in turmoil or moves toward renewal.

True peace may not always mean reconciliation. While the hope for healing remains, it is not always possible. In such cases, seeking peace and setting firm boundaries are acts of self-preservation. As the book states, “The swamp bottom is often the beginning of renewal.” Embracing a broader vision fosters strength, clarity, and a healthier way forward.

Reach Out

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

📞 Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

Related Posts

Facing Fear God is Bigger

 

Book Review, Circle of Hope Counseling Services

The Foundation Blocks of Healthy Relationships

Brandi C

The Foundation Blocks of Healthy Relationships

The Foundation Blocks of Healthy Relationships

Elizabeth B. Brown discusses the Foundation Blocks of Healthy Relationships in her book Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People. She places them under four headings—first, respect. Then, accepting personal responsibility for one’s behavior. There is also allowing others to bear the consequences of their behavior. Lastly, caring without enabling.

Objectivity in Healthy Relationships

“Objectivity in healthy relationships encourages each person to be responsible for his own choices and actions and the consequences of them.” There is my problem. I do not have objectivity. Honestly, I don’t know how to have that in these relationships. How does one care without enabling a person? Hmmm. If I respond with simple direct responses, that comes across as cold and unfeeling, which could hurt someone’s feelings. However, if I give too much fluff or information, it can be used against me. In my eyes, I can’t win. I don’t know how to walk that fine line.  

“Turning a toxic relationship into a healthy one requires hard work and a new vision. You can’t change your situation if you fail to see the problems and the options.” In my situation, I can see the problems quite clearly; however, I can’t see the options. Rock and hard place is where I’m constantly sitting.

Questions to Ask Yourself

“These six questions will jump-start your efforts to unscrew difficult relationship problems.”

  1. What emotional tornadoes does the difficult person in your life spin off?
  2. How do you react to the screwed-up person in your life?
  3. How does your difficult person react to your reactions?
  4. If the other person is the problem, are you growing unhealthy actions and reactions in response to him or her?
  5. Are you the screwed-up person driving others to reactive behavior?
  6. How do others react to your actions and responses?

It’s easy to offer a surface-level response or sugarcoat a complicated situation, but true resolution requires honesty. Making light of conflict does not serve anyone involved. It’s important to be completely truthful with oneself and acknowledge any role played in the situation. If possible, an apology should be offered. If direct communication isn’t safe, writing an unsent letter can still provide closure.

However, when a relationship repeatedly causes great conflict, boundaries are necessary. Setting limits can feel daunting, especially when there’s fear of losing the relationship entirely. It’s easier with acquaintances or distant friends, but with family, it can be excruciating. Yet, boundaries are an act of self-preservation, not punishment. They protect emotional well-being and allow for healthier interactions.

Many struggle with setting boundaries due to fear of rejection or abandonment. The worry that enforcing limits will lead to silence or a severed connection can be overwhelming. But allowing unhealthy dynamics to continue unchecked only leads to deeper hurt and resentment. Boundaries are not about pushing people away; they are about ensuring relationships are built on mutual respect.

The reality is that not everyone will respond well to boundaries. Some may push back, others may walk away. That is painful, but it is also revealing. Healthy relationships can withstand and respect boundaries. Unhealthy ones often rely on their absence.

There is strength in facing fears and in refusing to let past pain dictate the future. Establishing boundaries is an act of courage—one that prioritizes emotional and mental well-being. Forward, with faith.

It Takes Only One Person to Change a Relationship

“Do you really want to bring about positive change in your negative relationships? If so, you must be willing to change first. Unless you change first, it is unlikely your relationship will do anything but sink deeper into distress. Reactive behavior rarely brings positive change. It is impossible to continue the same type of interaction if one of the parties has metamorphosed his or her actions and responses.”  

“Patterns can be reversed. It is possible to regain control of thoughts and restructure a life that abuse has tumbled into chaos through the years. People can change. You can change.”

Clear Vision Test

In Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People, Elizabeth B. Brown outlines this test with these instructions: 1=never; 2=sometimes feel this; 3=quite often feel this. Answer honestly and do one test per complicated relationship.

  1. I stew and seethe in silence before our time together.
  2. I worry about and anticipate difficulties and chaos that will come after most of our times together.
  3. I feel manipulated, intimidated, and controlled most of the time.
  4. I feel unappreciated most of the time.
  5. I feel I am always having to defend myself.
  6. I feel overwhelming guilt after our being together.
  7. I feel like “something is eating me alive.”
  8. My conversations with others often spin off the negative actions or reactions I have to this person.
  9. I seem unable to control my anger, resentment, or hurt.
  10. I feel like I will never be able to measure up to what is expected.
  11. I feel like a loser when I express my ideas, needs, or beliefs.
  12. I try to plan out my actions and reactions before we get together.
  13. I fantasize about getting even.
  14. I fantasize about getting out.
  15. I feel I must protect someone other than myself from harm – physical or psychological-caused by the difficult person.
  16. I long to help this person change so he or she will be happier.
  17. I long to help this person change so I will be happier.
  18. I explode at the most unexpected times.
  19. I do not feel happy most of the time.
  20. I don’t like me most of the time.
  21. Most of the time I long for our relationship to be different.

If your score is:

21: Your relationship is normal and healthy.

22-34: Your relationship is skewed.

35-63: Your relationship and your reactions to it are unhealthy.

Reach Out

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

📞 Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.