When Old Beliefs Hijack Present Emotions

He said he’d call at lunch. Lunch came and went. By two o’clock she was pacing the kitchen, chest tight, crying, rehearsing everything she was going to say. When he finally called at three, apologizing because his meeting ran long, she was so upset she couldn’t even hear him.

Afterward she sat on my couch (this is a pattern I see often, not one particular person) and said, “I know it was a stupid thing to get that upset about. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

Nothing’s wrong with her. An old belief just showed up and hijacked a Tuesday afternoon.

“If it’s hysterical, it’s historical”

There’s an old saying in therapy circles: if it’s hysterical, it’s historical. I don’t love the word hysterical, and I never use it to dismiss anybody’s feelings. But the idea underneath it is solid. When a reaction is a lot bigger than the moment calls for, a lot of times the moment isn’t the only thing you’re reacting to.

The missed phone call wasn’t just a missed phone call. It was every time somebody she loved didn’t come back.

Core beliefs and schemas

Somewhere in childhood, we all form deep beliefs about ourselves, other people, and the world. Therapists call these core beliefs. Dr. Jeffrey Young, who developed schema therapy, described patterns he called early maladaptive schemas. They tend to grow when some basic childhood need, like safety, connection, or acceptance, goes unmet over and over.

A few common ones:

Abandonment: people I love will leave me.
Defectiveness: something is fundamentally wrong with me.
Mistrust: people will hurt or use me if I let them close.
Unrelenting standards: I have to be perfect or I’m worthless.

These beliefs made sense once. A kid with an unreliable parent who learns to brace for leaving is protecting herself. The trouble is that the belief keeps running long after the situation that created it is over.

Trauma echoes

When something today looks or feels even a little like something painful from back then, the old belief can light up fast. And it doesn’t come in labeled “1987.” It comes in feeling like right now.

Some memories, especially painful ones from early life, are stored more as feelings and body sensations than as a clear story with a beginning and end. So you can feel the panic of being left without remembering the first time you felt it. Your body is reacting to an echo, and it feels exactly like the real thing.

This is also why “just get over it” never works. You can’t talk yourself out of an echo by telling yourself it’s silly. You’ve probably tried that a hundred times already. The echo quiets down when the original hurt finally gets looked at, understood, and cared for.

The TNT box

I describe it this way to clients. There’s a box at the back of your head, and it’s full of crappy life experiences. Around that box are sticks of dynamite with the fuses lit. You can feel them burning, so you stay on edge all the time, waiting for the blast.

In therapy, my job is to lick my fingers, pinch out those flames for a minute, and pull one of those experiences out of the box. We bring it up front where we can look at it together, and then we file it where it belongs. In the past. One by one, the box gets lighter, and the fuses don’t burn so close.

He binds up wounds

Psalm 147:3 says, “He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds.”

Binding a wound is hands-on, careful work. You clean it, you look at it, and you wrap it so it can heal. God doesn’t ask you to pretend the old wound isn’t there. He tends to it. And I’ve seen Him do a lot of that tending through safe people, patient counselors, and slow honest work.

Questions to sit with

Is there a situation where your reaction is reliably bigger than the moment?
Which of those common core beliefs sounds familiar?
When you feel that reaction, how old do you feel?

One small step

Next time a reaction feels too big for the situation, pause and ask yourself two questions: “How old do I feel right now?” and “When have I felt this before?” Write down whatever comes up, even if it doesn’t make sense yet.

If what comes up is heavy, please don’t dig through it all by yourself. That’s exactly the kind of thing a trauma-informed counselor is there to help you carry. If you’d like to go deeper on trauma, my series Trauma Isn’t the End of the Story walks through it one step at a time.

Let’s walk this together

If old hurts keep showing up in your present, I’d be honored to help you sort through the box.

Let’s walk this together

If your days keep getting away from you before they’ve hardly started, let’s look at it together. I see individuals, couples, families, and teens at Circle of Hope Counseling Services, in person in Paducah and by telehealth anywhere in Kentucky.

This post is for education and encouragement. It isn’t therapy, and it doesn’t replace care from a licensed professional who knows your story. If you’re in crisis or having thoughts of suicide, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any time, day or night. If you’re in immediate danger, call 911.

When Someone Else’s Choices Disrupt Your Life