What I am and Why, the Free-Will Version?

Oh, how I wish I had saved the website of this personality test. I guess I didn’t, OR I got mad at it and deleted it. There are times when I do that. Sometimes, I get overwhelmed by all the “footprints” I leave on the web and get into a deleting frenzy. So here it is What I am and Why, the Free-Will Version?

Clutter

Clutter in my home, on my social media, or emails clutters my brain. It is like a giant yarn ball. You cannot make sense of the mess. So, my solution is to organize, answer, delete, and so on. I can’t handle too much. There is nothing else I can control, but I can control the clutter.

That has nothing to do with my emotionally stagnant state of life, now does it. Well, maybe it does. Let’s dive into the comments on the test that I took. I will link some other personality tests, but they will not be the ones I took.

Younger Years

I was L-O-V-E-D when I was a child. My mama, my Oak, showed emotion and was so loving. My granny, my other mother, and the support friends my mom. I saw and felt love and emotion growing up. Daddy loved me, but it was shown differently. He was not emotional (a police officer), and I had to initiate affection.

As an adult, I have made peace with that. I see things more clearly. Was it hard? Yes. Is it still hard sometimes? Yes. Do I have an undying love for him? Absolutely. He is a different man today. He found Jesus and lived his life differently. Do I still have to initiate affection? Sometimes. Now, I’m vocal about my needs, and I can articulate them to him. He is not a mind reader; I have learned that over the years.

Communication is the key to most things. I didn’t know how to communicate my needs. Daddy didn’t know how to communicate (at all, LOL). Things are different. It is hard to explain.

The Path I Chose

I didn’t choose the path of my Oak. Being free with my emotions was not something I did. Some things happened, I began not to trust anyone (including myself), and I hardened. Regarding my children and grandchildren, I am free with my affection. There is not a time when I do not offer a hug, words of encouragement, or some way to show love.

Emotions

Now, I struggle with showing emotions when it comes to other things. I went through a period where life was tough, and my kids saw a side of me that they had never seen. It affected them terribly and frightened them, frankly. I could not contain my fear, tears, worries, words, or actions. Depression, reality, anxiety, all these things bubbled up in me, and I could not stop. Not even if I tried.

My son would tell me that my crying is like Superman with a broken arm. It simply can’t happen. Sadly, it scares them. Their rock is split and crumbling, and they can’t make sense of life. I wish I had never been like that at all.

Therapist Thoughts

As a person with a Master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy, I can tell you what I do. Yet, I can’t take my advice. It’s like I’m stuck in sludge, and my feet are trying to move, yet they are stuck. My therapist said that I dissociate and have a dissociative personality. To dissociate means a “disconnection and lack of continuity between thoughts, memories, surroundings, actions, and identity.” For me, this comes from severe Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. I check out.

You are not Very Emotional.

That was the verdict of the personality test said about me. I am not very emotional. Honestly, I can’t stand that about myself. I’m so guarded and do not trust anyone (again, not even myself). There are things I need to rectify within myself and with others. I need to do a lot of saying I’m sorry to others and myself. Then, I need to trust that those people forgive me and that I choose to forgive myself. Forgiving others is one thing. Forgiving myself is something completely different.

Assessment

Whether it’s natural self-control or a deliberate decision, you seem detached and don’t often show your emotions. You are alert and self-possessed and refuse to be blinded by your feelings.

However, since expressing our emotions is a way of coping with things, being indifferent is an emotional response. But whatever the reality is, you come across as cold and give the impression that you are withdrawn and isolated from the world around you. You don’t want to seem like a conformist, so you rarely express an opinion, whatever it is, not even if it’s to let people know that you are in a good mood or that you are happy.

Because you suppress your emotions, you seem blasé. Does that sound familiar? Perhaps you are, in fact, extraordinarily emotional but unable to show it, keeping your real sensitivity locked away. Or maybe you have tried to remain impervious to everyday emotions to preserve your freedom?

You’ve developed a thick skin to protect yourself from others, and you try to be ‘zen’ about things to avoid appearing vulnerable. These are the qualities that make you a dominant personality. But living alongside your means constantly has to decipher how you feel because your moments of joy, happiness, love, resentment, indecision, anger, or fear are always tempered by your sang-foid.

In 1984, George Orwell portrayed the dangers of a world without emotion. What if you stopped hiding how you felt and allowed your feelings to work in conjunction with the other qualities you possess?

Spot On

This is me completely and totally on all levels. I feel so sorry for my husband. He honestly never knows. There is so much I want to say, but I fear judgment, condemnation, no one believing me, me not believing myself or my body.

I have never read 1984 by George Orwell, but I might have to read it. What if I allowed myself to stop hiding how I felt and let my emotions work in conjunction with my other qualities? What if?

What if?

I don’t know.