Depression, Guest Blogger, Medical

Powerful Note to Self

**This Powerful Note to Self is written by a guest blogger who is working through some intense emotions and trauma.  Remember, if you are a survivor of anything….it is NOT your fault!**

Powerful Note to Self

Powerful Note to Self

Note to self

This is not your fault

You are not the one who made the choice

All you did was follow a voice

A voice of someone you were supposed to trust.

Someone everyone else said you could trust

 

Not Your Fault

 

Its not your fault

that you are scared to love

Or scared to be loved

{Or} that you are afraid to be touched.

 

Stating Truth

 

If anything it is his fault

He chose to hurt you

and He chose to betray your innocent trust

He chose to do the unthinkable

and steal the innocence that you shouldn’t have lost

 

Stop!

 

so stop blaming yourself for his mistakes

you were not and are not at fault.

You didn’t make those choices

So stop claiming it as yours

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I Am Broken

I Am Broken

I Am Broken

I am broken

And I am not normal

I am not who I want to be

 

Instead I am the one thing I have been raised to not be

The one thing that will make me lose people close to me

I am not who my parents expected me to be

Also, I am a disappointment in their eyes

I am a disappointment in my own eyes

 

Struggling

 

I know it is wrong

Sadly, I know its not meant to be that way

I have not chosen to feel this way

It just happened

 

I have actively fought it

Honestly, I would rather not acknowledge it than admit to it

I don’t want to talk about it

And I don’t want to act on it

 

Normal

 

All I want is to be normal

To be who I was meant to be

Not who I have become

By choice or not

 

I hate myself for my feelings

I would rather just ignore it

Than deal with it

 

I am not normal

Sadly, I am broken

I AM NOT OKAY.

But one day I will be.

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What Would Happen if She Found Out

In What Would Happen if She Found Out, my guest blogger talks about what would happen if the people she loved most knew the truth?

What Would Happen if She Found Out

What Would Happen if She Found Out

That I was more different than she had ever thought

That I was the one thing she couldn’t tolerate

 

Would she kick me out

Or would she hate me

Would she quite loving me

 

I would love to say no

But in reality the answer is yes

Yes she would do all three

 

Go To Hell

 

I ‘ve been told several times growing up that its wrong

If you think that way you go to Hell

If you act that way you go to Hell

 

So of course I didn’t want to admit that I am what I am

I didn’t want anyone to know my preference

Because I myself ignored it hoping it would go away

 

Yet here I am at the age I am realizing really for the first time

What I am and which people I like

And im worried about her reaction if she were ever to find out

 

What I Have Been Told

 

Growing up I’ve been told that she would rather DIE than have a child like me

Well a child who likes a person of the same gender

I was told that she would rather stay in the dark than be told

 

So I’m going to respect her wishes

And not telling her

Ill just let her die thinking she had at least one semi normal child

Sure it’s a lie but at least she’ll be happy

 

It ‘s the least I can do

She deserves to be happy

And I deserve to have a standing relationship

with at least one member of my family

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Normal

Normal

~What is normal and what is not normal?  My guest blogger tries to determine this for herself.~

Normal

I sit and I wait and I try to think about what I can do to make myself normal

Or at least more acceptable

I could hang out with some friends

Go watch some tv and sit and chat

 

But I have to make sure I stay on topics that wouldn’t make me lie to feel like I fit in

That I feel the way they do about everything

Or somethings more than others

So maybe not that

 

What Should I Do?

 

Maybe I could go on a date

Sign up for a dating app

Oh no that could be trouble

What if my friends find out I’m looking at

So no not that

 

Ok so I know whats safe

Just go to bed and get some rest

But then when I go to bed my mind won’t shut off

And I’m stuck with the thoughts that im trying to ignore

 

When I get here

This is when it gets ugly

This is when the spiral goes down

This is when I try to hurt myself

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I Should Have Known

I Should Have Known

I Should Have Known

I should have known something wasn’t right

When you told me you loved me for the first time

And I didn’t say it back

 

I should have known something was up

When I couldn’t stand the fact that you wrote me love letters

Or when you posted love stuff on social media

I mean I didn’t even “like” the post

 

Not My Type

 

I should have realized much sooner

That you weren’t my type

way before I let it go as far as I did

You were not the problem it was me

 

I was the one starting things trying to get you to leave first.

And I didn’t know why then but I do now

I just wasn’t into the whole thing

 

I wasn’t into the wedding

Also, I wasn’t into fooling around

and I definitely wasn’t into having sex

 

What I Wanted

 

I just wanted to feel loved and wanted

You seemed to care and want me

So I tried I tried to play along

 

I tried to compromise all of my feelings

To fulfill your needs

Give you what you wanted.

To support you in any and all ways that I could

 

Reality

 

But in reality all I was doing was lying to myself

Lying to you

And lying to my family

 

Lying about why I felt that way

And lying about what I truly wanted

lying about my life

 

Hiding

 

All I wanted was to feel loved and accepted

that is why I didn’t end it sooner

that is why I didn’t confess that I didn’t truly have feelings

at least not romantic feelings.

 

I did it because I wanted to cover up what I already knew

And that I wasn’t ready to tell the truth,

Which is I like girls

And there is nothing I can do to make people accept so I hide

And think over the fact that I am different than the rest.

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Depression is Gray and Black

Depression is Gray and Black

In this piece, Depression is Gray and Black, my guest blogger discusses what depression looks like to her.

Depression is Gray and Black

 

Depression 

Is a dark and twisty place

Its when your inner thoughts are gray and black

There is no light 

There is no white 

Just gray or black

 

The gray is sad but bearable thoughts

This is where you look back at what’s wrong

 grieving the way you handled it

Wanting to do something to change it but can’t

 

These thoughts i think are easier to voice 

To seek help for ask someone to hold you accountable

To try and continue your life 

 

Which is Worse?

 

The black well that is the worse 

The dark and the bleak 

These thoughts are much more dangerous

 

These are the thoughts that keep you imprisoned in your mind

Keep you in the bed for days 

Give you the feelings of why even try?

 

These thoughts are almost impossible to voice 

The darker the thought the harder it gets to talk to people 

The harder it gets to seek help 

And the harder it is to continue anything in life

 

The In Between

 

Somewhere between the gray and black there is a turning point

From being sad to wanting to crawl under a rock and die

I’m not sure where the begins

I just know that’s where it ends.

 

But surely there is a way to continue life looking towards something 

Instead of looking back at the past 

If you can get there that’s when you can see a light

It starts off small almost like a dot

 

Finding the Dot

 

For me trying to find that dot is the hardest part 

Trying to find something worth looking for the dot.

But once I find it I plan on holding on to it.

 

Because the dot will eventually grow 

It will become the light that I seek. 

I just have to hold on a little longer. 

And keep looking ahead.

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Misery Loves Company

Misery Loves Company

Misery Loves Company

Misery loves company they say

But is it the misery the person wants to share

Or are they looking to someone for help

But instead bring them down too

 

Is the misery more infectious than the need for help

Or does the person just not want it enough

Personally I think I would rather suffer alone

Than to bring a friend down with me

 

I don’t want my friends and family to feel like this

I wouldn’t want anyone to feel like this

Like the whole world is sitting on my shoulders

just waiting for them to make the wrong move.

 

Just Waiting

Waiting for them to slip

Waiting for them to pull someone in

Waiting for them to not be alone

So they will share the misery

 

I don’t want to be infectious with hate

I don’t want to put bad things in peoples mind

I’d much rather put in light and love

 

But where can I start

To get back to that person

That everyone loved to be around

The person that was infectious to laughter

The person that loved others and at least liked herself

 

I guess I should start at the beginning again

And try to learn a new way of dealing with my sin

Instead of storing it away and letting it fester

I need to let it go and pray that it will work out in the end

 

Because I’d much rather love myself and help others

Than hate myself and essentially drown them

I don’t want to feed them the lies that I believe

That I’m not good enough

That I’m not worthy

 

Because we are good enough

We are all worthy of love

And not the misery.

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Hurt People Hurt People

Hurt People Hurt People

Hurt People Hurt People

A phrase my mom has always said is Hurt People Hurt People .  That is a true phrase.  I always thought that I was your favorite person. You would make time to come down and see me, you brought me books and movies. We would go to the movies and have the best time ever. It meant everything to me that we had a good relationship. But all that changed… now you can barely say two words to me. Now you won’t even make eye contact with me most of the time. And to be honest, it is hard for me to talk to you because I don’t know what to say. 

 

Life After Death

 

After my cousin died, I was hurting so much. After realizing that he may not be in heaven where I so desperately wanted him to be. After him leaving so suddenly and I never got the chance to say goodbye, it was hard on me. Because I loved him and I wanted to know I would see him again. And I loved you so much that I wanted to know that if you left suddenly that I would see you again. 

 

Blaming Myself

 

You know my mom would not even let me read the letter you sent back to me? Because she knew it would hurt me if I read it. It was easier for me to not have to read it. I blamed myself for ruining our relationship. But now, I think it was more on you than me. I was coming from a place of love but also of sadness and hurt. I didn’t understand why you didn’t believe the way that I did. I had no idea you would react the way you did. 

 

You Stopped 

 

You stopped writing to me. Also, you stopped all communication.  You just stopped. And that was hurtful for me, I looked up to you. I wanted to come stay with you and wanted to be like you. I admired you for being as successful as you were. I understand now that what I said may have offended you, but at the time, I was a child and didn’t understand how it would offend you. 

 

Ensured Salvation

 

In my mind, I was just wanting to ensure that I would see you again. That I wouldn’t have to have the knowledge that you would be in the next life and not in a bad place. I was hurting so much and I was only a child. How was I supposed to know that one email would change our relationship forever? 

 

I think our Aunt blames me for our relationship not being where it used to be. I can see it in her face. I can feel it in her energy. But I know this was not my fault. My intentions were not of malice. You sent back very hurtful letters back to me. It was not my intent to hurt you. Ever. 

 

Now, I Understand

 

I have gone through a very hard time since then. I have suffered much and you have no idea. And I so desperately wanted you to love and accept me like I love and accept you now. I feel guilty because I didn’t mean to hurt you. I would never intentionally hurt you in any way. I would hope you felt the same way about me. I do not judge your lifestyle, I am not a child anymore. I now understand how offensive some statements can be and I choose not to make those statements. 

 

I love you. I want you to love me too. 

 

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Reflecting on Nesting Bird Wisdom

Reflecting on Nesting Bird Wisdom from my sister a year ago.  After a *tough* weekend, emotionally, I had my early Monday morning chat with my sister.  We chit chatted about nothing and everything, then we moved into what my triggers were from the past weekend.

A statement that swirls around in my head, from another friend, that I told to Tera.  My friend said, “Brandi, you have to have a release.  You have to find someone you can trust. Get this stuff off your chest.  Cry if you need to cry.”  My statement back to her was “I had that person.  She died.  Now I don’t share or talk.  I stuff stuff stuff it all down.”

Tera agreed with my friend.  We talked about the stages of grief.  Also, the fact that I have had no time to truly grieve anything over the past several years.  I’ve gone from one hit to another.  There has been little time to breathe.  Sadly, no time to grieve.  Sadly, there was no time to release the pain and emotion from everything that has happened.

Then, she took it one step further.  She said:

“Brandi, it’s okay to have birds fly around your head (referring, of course, to grief, depression, anxiety, etc), but you can’t let them make a nest in your hair.”

I agreed.  Then, I wiped my tears and got off the phone.  Next, I went to the bathroom.

This is what I saw:

Reflecting on Nesting Bird Wisdom

I texted my sister and asked her to define “Nest in Hair.”

So, my birds have nested and now it is time for them to fly south.

Bye Bye Birdie.  So, Reflecting on Nesting Bird Wisdom, the bird is gone!

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