**This Powerful Note to Self is written by a guest blogger who is working through some intense emotions and trauma. Remember, if you are a survivor of anything….it is NOT your fault!**
A phrase my mom has always said is Hurt People Hurt People . That is a true phrase. I always thought that I was your favorite person. You would make time to come down and see me, you brought me books and movies. We would go to the movies and have the best time ever. It meant everything to me that we had a good relationship. But all that changed… now you can barely say two words to me. Now you won’t even make eye contact with me most of the time. And to be honest, it is hard for me to talk to you because I don’t know what to say.
Life After Death
After my cousin died, I was hurting so much. After realizing that he may not be in heaven where I so desperately wanted him to be. After him leaving so suddenly and I never got the chance to say goodbye, it was hard on me. Because I loved him and I wanted to know I would see him again. And I loved you so much that I wanted to know that if you left suddenly that I would see you again.
Blaming Myself
You know my mom would not even let me read the letter you sent back to me? Because she knew it would hurt me if I read it. It was easier for me to not have to read it. I blamed myself for ruining our relationship. But now, I think it was more on you than me. I was coming from a place of love but also of sadness and hurt. I didn’t understand why you didn’t believe the way that I did. I had no idea you would react the way you did.
You Stopped
You stopped writing to me. Also, you stopped all communication. You just stopped. And that was hurtful for me, I looked up to you. I wanted to come stay with you and wanted to be like you. I admired you for being as successful as you were. I understand now that what I said may have offended you, but at the time, I was a child and didn’t understand how it would offend you.
Ensured Salvation
In my mind, I was just wanting to ensure that I would see you again. That I wouldn’t have to have the knowledge that you would be in the next life and not in a bad place. I was hurting so much and I was only a child. How was I supposed to know that one email would change our relationship forever?
I think our Aunt blames me for our relationship not being where it used to be. I can see it in her face. I can feel it in her energy. But I know this was not my fault. My intentions were not of malice. You sent back very hurtful letters back to me. It was not my intent to hurt you. Ever.
Now, I Understand
I have gone through a very hard time since then. I have suffered much and you have no idea. And I so desperately wanted you to love and accept me like I love and accept you now. I feel guilty because I didn’t mean to hurt you. I would never intentionally hurt you in any way. I would hope you felt the same way about me. I do not judge your lifestyle, I am not a child anymore. I now understand how offensive some statements can be and I choose not to make those statements.
Reflecting on Nesting Bird Wisdom from my sister a year ago. After a *tough* weekend, emotionally, I had my early Monday morning chat with my sister. We chit chatted about nothing and everything, then we moved into what my triggers were from the past weekend.
A statement that swirls around in my head, from another friend, that I told to Tera. My friend said, “Brandi, you have to have a release. You have to find someone you can trust. Get this stuff off your chest. Cry if you need to cry.” My statement back to her was “I had that person. She died. Now I don’t share or talk. I stuff stuff stuff it all down.”
Tera agreed with my friend. We talked about the stages of grief. Also, the fact that I have had no time to truly grieve anything over the past several years. I’ve gone from one hit to another. There has been little time to breathe. Sadly, no time to grieve. Sadly, there was no time to release the pain and emotion from everything that has happened.
Then, she took it one step further. She said:
“Brandi, it’s okay to have birds fly around your head (referring, of course, to grief, depression, anxiety, etc), but you can’t let them make a nest in your hair.”
I agreed. Then, I wiped my tears and got off the phone. Next, I went to the bathroom.
This is what I saw:
I texted my sister and asked her to define “Nest in Hair.”
So, my birds have nested and now it is time for them to fly south.
Bye Bye Birdie. So, Reflecting on Nesting Bird Wisdom, the bird is gone!
