When Grief Does Not Look Like Crying

Grief does not always look like tears.

Sometimes grief looks like irritability, exhaustion, or forgetting what you walked into the room for. Then sometimes grief looks like being completely fine in the grocery store until a song comes on, a smell hits you, or you see something they would have loved.

There are times when grief looks like nothing at all.

That can be confusing.

We often expect grief to show up in a certain way. We picture someone crying, sitting quietly, looking sad, or talking about the person or thing they lost. Grief is not always visible. It does not always announce itself. Grief can hide underneath anger, anxiety, numbness, overworking, avoidance, or even busyness.

For some people, grief shows up in the body before it ever shows up in words. Your chest may feel heavy or your stomach may stay unsettled. Sometimes, your shoulders may stay tight. Your sleep may change or your appetite may disappear or increase. You may feel tired no matter how much rest you get.

This does not mean you are grieving wrong.

It means your heart and nervous system are carrying something heavy.

Grief is not limited to death, either. We grieve relationships, and we grieve what we thought our family would be. We grieve children growing up, parents aging, marriages changing, friendships ending, health declining, dreams shifting, and versions of ourselves we had to leave behind.

You can be grateful and still be grieving.

Know that you can have faith and still feel devastated.

You can believe God is near and still feel lonely.

Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

That verse does not say God is only close to those who grieve neatly. It does not say He is close only when we have the right words, the right attitude, or the right emotional response. It says He is close to the brokenhearted.

If grief has made you feel unlike yourself, give yourself some compassion. You are not weak, dramatic, or failing. My friend, you are responding to loss.

Healing does not require you to force tears, explain everything perfectly, or move on before your heart is ready. Sometimes healing begins by simply telling the truth.

“I am grieving.”

Or, “I miss what was.”

“I am angry.”

Or, “I feel numb.”

“I do not know how to carry this.”

Those are honest places to begin.

Grief may not always look like crying, but it still deserves care. It deserves space. It deserves gentleness. And you do too.

Reflection Question

How has grief been showing up in your life lately, even if it has not looked like sadness?

In the beginning, I wanted to “eat someone’s lunch” and that is not a good thing. I was looking for a fight and waiting for someone, anyone, to say the wrong thing. Then, I go silent…maybe I do that periodically throughout. I have nothing to say, no response to anything and my typical response is “I don’t know.” Genuinely, I do not know what to do, what to say, how to react. Crying. Screaming. Sleeping. Organizing. Grief sucks. I’m not a fan.

Gentle Practice

Today, pause and ask yourself: “What loss am I carrying that I have not fully named yet?”

You do not have to fix it today. Just name it.

I want to leave you with something that has helped others walking this same road. As a therapist, one book I return to again and again with clients is The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk. It can be heavy . I always recommend reading slowly and with support but it may help you understand why grief lives in your body, not just your mind.

Helpful Resource:
I keep a list of books and resources I have personally found meaningful for faith, grief, parenting, boundaries, and hard seasons here: Helpful Resources I Love.

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You can read more reflections on Grief and Loss here.

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