When Feelings Drive the Bus
Have you ever said something in an argument, heard it come out of your mouth, and thought, who said that? Maybe you have quit something, bought something, ate something, or sent a text you couldn’t unsend. Then realized afterward you weren’t really the one making the decision? That’s what I mean when I say feelings were driving the bus.
Feelings belong on the bus
Let me be clear right up front. Your feelings belong on the bus. Anger, fear, sadness, joy, every one of them gets a seat. They’re part of the ride, and a life with no feelings on board wouldn’t be much of a trip.
The problem comes when one of them climbs into the driver’s seat, grabs the wheel, and stomps the gas. Fear drives you away from everything that might hurt. Anger drives you straight through people. Guilt (sometimes mistaken as shame) drives you to the back row, where you hunker down and don’t come out for a week.
Standing in the fire
There’s a picture I use a lot. You’re standing in a fire with a water pistol. The fire is everything burning at once: old hurts you never got to deal with, the fresh thing that happened this week, the bills, the kids, the marriage, the ache in your back. All you’ve got to put it out is this little plastic water pistol.
When you’re standing in that fire, you don’t make careful, thoughtful choices. You squirt at whatever’s closest. You run. Sometimes you just freeze and let it burn. None of that is a character flaw. It’s what overwhelmed human beings do.
What’s happening in your brain and body
Dr. Dan Siegel came up with a term I use almost every week: the window of tolerance. When you’re inside your window, you can feel big things and still think clearly. You can be upset and still choose what to do next.
When stress pushes you above the window, you go into high gear. Racing heart, tight chest, short fuse, ready to fight or run. When it pushes you below the window, you drop into low gear: numb, foggy, checked out, can’t get off the couch.
Research on stress backs this up. Under heavy stress, the parts of the brain that help you plan, weigh consequences, and hit the brakes don’t work as well, and faster alarm systems take over more of the steering. Your thinking brain hasn’t left the bus. It’s just been moved to a back seat for a while.
Plenty of things shrink your window: no sleep, skipped meals, old trauma, chronic pain, too many demands with no rest. What widens it is slower and less exciting. Rest, safe people, practice, and time.
How to tell who’s driving
Some clues that feelings have the wheel:
- Your reaction is way bigger than the situation
- You feel an urgent need to do something right now
- You can’t hear a word anybody’s saying
- “Always” and “never” start showing up in every sentence
- Later, you can’t quite explain why you did it
None of those make you a bad person. They’re just signs the bus needs a different driver for a minute.
When your heart is overwhelmed
Psalm 61:2 says, “From the end of the earth I will cry to You, When my heart is overwhelmed; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”
David didn’t write that from a calm, collected place. He was at the end of the earth with an overwhelmed heart, and he didn’t pretend otherwise. What he asked for was higher ground, somewhere to stand that was steadier than his own feelings in that moment.
Sometimes that’s all we need. Not for the fire to be out yet, but for somebody to lead us up out of it far enough to see straight.
Questions to sit with
- Which feeling most often tries to grab the wheel for you?
- What are the first signals in your body that you’re leaving your window?
- What tends to shrink your window? Be honest with yourself.
One small step
Write down three early warning signs in your body. Maybe your jaw clenches, your shoulders creep up toward your ears, your face gets hot, or your stomach drops. Put them on a sticky note somewhere you’ll see them every day. The goal this week isn’t to stop the feeling. It’s to notice it earlier, while you’ve still got a hand on the wheel.
Let’s walk this together
If your days keep getting away from you before they’ve hardly started, let’s look at it together. I see individuals, couples, families, and teens at Circle of Hope Counseling Services, in person in Paducah and by telehealth anywhere in Kentucky.
This post is for education and encouragement. It isn’t therapy, and it doesn’t replace care from a licensed professional who knows your story. If you’re in crisis or having thoughts of suicide, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any time, day or night. If you’re in immediate danger, call 911.
