In the Still of the Night The Monster Comes to Play
The Monster in the Silence
I love the time of day when I can go upstairs and just be. For the day, I am done. I am done with work, cooking, cleaning, putting out fires, phone calls, texts, and all the other things that demand my attention. My stuff, a bottle of water, and my Coke come upstairs with me. I turn on all the fans, dim the lights, wash my face, and pile up in bed. Yet, in the still of the night, the monster comes to play. For a while, I am okay, but then my mind begins to wander. A wandering mind is never a good thing for me.
The Silence
My life is SO loud. My son is a chatterbox, people at work, the lights, traffic—just all the things. I stopped listening to music in the house (or car); the television is rarely on. Even chewing can grind my gears. Everything is loud. At night, though, aside from the fans, it’s silent, except for the thoughts in my head.
These thoughts aren’t good. In the past, I would watch the Detail Geek (the car detailing guy from Canada) and talk to a sweet friend. We’d chat through his details, laugh, and catch up on life. We’d talk about our issues, the issues with our children, and all the things. It was good to have that voice in my ear, even when we sat in silence. This became a nightly ritual that I came to enjoy.
Since she passed away, I stopped watching him. I get so emotional when I do. Then, I go to pick up the phone and realize she isn’t there. There’s that realization that most of the people I held dear to my heart have passed. I still have people I can call, but we are all in the thick of life. Without that calm, consistent voice, the unresolved trauma of life and loss floods me with grief because now I’m left with just myself and my thoughts.
Reality
When my friend’s daughter died (we were good friends before her mom and I became friends), I didn’t process her death for a year. Her death was so hard on me. I loved LA from the moment I met her until the moment we buried her. Donna and I were always close, but after LA’s passing, our bond became unbreakable.
There’s one night that stands out, and I still remember it vividly. I called Donna because my thoughts were so loud, and I was finally processing LA’s death. Here I am, crying so hard that I couldn’t breathe, and Donna, who had lost her daughter, comforted me. She couldn’t understand me through my sobs, but finally, she told me to stop crying and tell her two things that made me laugh when I thought of LA.
Bats. Hair dye.
Instantly, I stopped crying. I replayed that story over and over in my head. The darkness began to have a bit of light, and the monster retreated for a moment. But now, Donna is gone, and so is LA. I don’t have anyone to tell that story to. So, once again, the monster comes out to play in the stillness of the night. When I am alone with my own thoughts, the depression begins to overwhelm me.
Bats. Hair dye.
Bats. Hair dye.
Monsters go away because I do not want to play. LA’s birthday is coming up soon, and I often think of her children. I’m still in communication with them, but if it’s this hard for me, I can’t imagine what it’s like for them. Their pain is so deep, with so much loss at such a young age.
Cancer, Suicide, and Depression
Cancer is cruel, and it took Donna way too quickly. From diagnosis to her death was only nine days. You know what’s worse? Suicide. Please know that you are enough, you are worthy, you are loved, and life is better with you in it! Please reach out to a friend, pastor, counselor, therapist, or call 911 or 988, the National Suicide Hotline number.
Whereas Donna passed quickly from cancer, LA struggled with mental illness and made a choice that forever impacted all those who loved her. She has been on my mind a lot lately, especially with her birthday on the 14th and her death day on June 17th.
There are things that can help—counseling, fresh air, prayer, talking to someone, eating protein, drinking water, practicing self-care, reading, and many more. These things can help take your mind off of your current circumstances and focus on more positive things.
Please, reach out! You are loved.
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