Being a young parent is hard. Tremendously hard. When you have difficult pregnancies and one delivery that resulted in almost losing my child…it changes you. Lack of communication, dealing with undiagnosed (and untreated) mental illness (depression and anxiety), and money. Well, that can wreak havoc on a marriage. There were also other things that were completely life-changing. My children and I almost died. That is the moment when I lost myself.
Choices that I Made
Because of the events that changed me and 3 beautiful kids forever, I left a good husband. He did nothing but try to be the best husband. Honestly, I think he believed that if he just loved me enough, all my past, anxiety, and depression would just go away. Unfortunately, it didn’t.
Just Keeping Swimming
A failed marriage, a dead-end relationship, and then an abusive marriage is what happened in the blink of an eye. That relationship and that abusive marriage are things that I never should have been in in the first place. The abusive marriage caused me to be in a very dark place.
I tried to keep on keeping on but I was treading water. Barely keeping my eyes above the waves. Sadly, I went through the motions of life but I wasn’t there anymore. A terrible accident occurred and I have not recovered from that. Medical issues and so much more that I cannot even list. It was just hit after hit. Day after day. Minute after minute.
What I Didn’t See
Was that nothing I did was good enough. He cheated all the time. Lied. Abused me mentally, emotionally, and so much more. He tried to separate me from the people I loved most in the world. So I tried to take my own life. I didn’t feel worthy. I thought that everyone would be better off without me. My kids and family were isolated from me because of my abusive husband. I didn’t want to live anymore.
By the grace of God I lived. My family never left me. They gave me the strength to leave him and move forward. I learned how to live on my own, seeking no one’s approval. This time, I, as an adult, sought help and continue to stay in therapy. Sadly, I have had a couple of relapses. However, this time, my family rallied around me and I was not alone.
I am happy to say that I am alive, happily married again and I have a great support system. I feel I am a much stronger person now. The man I am married to is good for me and he loves me. Now, I have a bonus daughter to add to my crew. I am loved.
My Advice to You
There have been choices that I have made that were very bad. Honestly, I regret it to this day. If I could take it all back and have a do-over, I would in a heartbeat. Sadly, I can’t. So all I can do is learn from them. I have done that and moved on. I’ve also learned that it’s okay to have bad days. Days where you want to curl up in a bed and cry all day. Maybe eat a gallon of ice cream.
Just don’t stay there.
You are not that person anymore.
If you or someone you know is being abused, PLEASE reach out.