Guest Blogger, Suicide Prevention

My Story Will Empower Me

Fighting Child Abuse -Now or Never | Social & Development Log of Pakistan - SDLP

Highlighting Stories of Survivors

In this story, you will read about abuse by a stepfather to his stepdaughter.  The phrase “My Story Will Empower Me” has stuck in my throat.  As my heart was breaking for what this young girl has gone through, in the end…she knows Truth.  What man used for evil, He will use for His glory.  Somehow, someway, her story will give the strength to someone else to SPEAK UP and GET OUT.  Her strength and courage leaves me in awe.  I’m so proud of this young lady.

This is a TRUE story of several years of abuse and the suicidal ideations this young lady had at a very young age.  She is NOT a victim.  This girl is a survivor and a child of the King.  Please be mindful, if leaving comments, that I will not tolerate judgment or hateful things said.  All names have been changed to protect her.

Her Story

Kevin,

Sometimes, I like to lay in bed and daydream about what my life would be like had you not abused me for many years.  I’d like to think that I would be able to look at myself in the mirror and not be completely disgusted with myself.  Maybe, I would be able to undress in front of a mirror without cringing every time I see myself.  Maybe I would feel more comfortable around older men.

I Wasn’t the Only One

You took a real interest in my sister, but you preferred to take pictures of her.  You saved the majority of touching for me.  One of the main examples of touching I remember is when we would walk next to each other.  You would put your arm around me and grab my butt.  Sometimes, you would switch it up and just rest your hand on my butt.

When It Began

I remember the abuse started when I was about nine, but I’m sure it happened well before then.  Never will I forget you making us change in front of you.  I remember my sixth-grade year when you made me and my sister rotate who would change directly in front of you.  How you wouldn’t let us wear anything to bed beside our underwear.  I also remember when you were in a particularly good mood and you would make us sleep naked so you could come into our room and stare at our bodies.

Innocence Stolen

The thing that traumatized me the most is when you made me and my sister go into the little garage with you.  You made my sister lock the door and you then told us to get completely naked.  I remember how shaky my hands were as I was taking off my clothes.  I was so scared of what you were going to do next.  You called it “checking us for ticks,” but I know that’s not really why you were doing it because you didn’t make our brothers do it too.  I also know that wasn’t the real reason because I remember you waited until our mom left to do it.  Honestly, we couldn’t have been in the garage for long but it felt like a lifetime trapped in there with you.

I vividly remember what it felt like when your rough hands traced every single inch of my body.  If I had the choice to forget one day in my life, that would be the day.  That was the day, that you took my innocence from me.  I was ten years old.  No ten-year-olds should ever have to feel how I felt on that day.  Ten-year-olds should be playing dress-up, not getting abused by their stepfathers.  I trusted you.  I loved you, and I thought you loved me too.  What you did was not love.

Wanting Out

At night, I would lay in bed and think of ways to kill you so the abuse would stop.  If I wasn’t plotting to kill you, I was planning on ways to kill myself.  I didn’t care what it took.  I wanted out of the situation.  It’s crazy to think about how much I wanted to die at ten years old.  How many ten-year-olds do you know that want to commit suicide?

Anger Flows Freely

I’m angry that you took my innocence from me.  You took my childhood.  I’m angry that you didn’t feel guilty for what you did to me.  Also, I’m angry that you didn’t spend the rest of your life in jail.  Honestly, I’m angry that you are still alive and that my mother still loves you.  I’m angry you guys got married.  She chose you over me.  I’m angry that you locked my brother in his room for a week because you thought he was faking it.  I had to sneak him food and water, I am so angry about that.  I’m angry you waited so long to take him to the hospital.

Even after he was diagnosed {brain cancer}, you treated him like crap because you thought he was doing it for attention.  I’m angry I didn’t get to be there with my brother as he was dying because of you.  I don’t know how you live with yourself.  How do you sleep at night?  I hope you are miserable.  I hope the guilt about my brother eats you up inside.

Wishes for My Future

If and when I have children, I will do everything in my power to protect them from people like you.  I promise that I won’t be like you or my mother.  My children will never have to worry about men watching them change or shower.  My children will never look in the mirror and hate themselves because of what happened to them.  Hopefully, one day, I will be able to forgive you.  I hope one day I will look in the mirror and be proud of who I am and what I have overcome.  I wish I could say that this won’t happen to other little girls, but I know that there are many people like you out there.

My Story Will Empower Me

I hope one day soon that I will be able to publicly tell my story so that other women can speak up about their stories.  One day, you will lose your grip on me and I’ll love myself again.  Soon, I will love my body.  I will no longer be ashamed of you and my story will empower me.  One day soon you’ll die, and I will sleep a tad bit better at night.  You will get what is coming to you and you deserve every bit of it.

You will have to answer for what you did to me one of these days.  There is nothing you can ever say or do to make up for what you did to me.  One of these days, I will be doing better than ever.  Your abuse has never and will never define who I am or where I’m going.  I hope you are happy with the choices you’ve made in life.  I hope that it was all worth it in the end.

Yours Truly,

Nicole

Resources

If you or someone you know is being abused, PLEASE reach out.

ChildHelp Hotline

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Suicide Prevention Lifeline

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