The Crimson Thread in Your Tapestry
The Crimson Thread in Your Tapestry
Over the course of the last several years, there has been a crimson thread that has interwoven into the beautiful tapestry that God has created for my life. That crimson thread has been the works of the evil one, who is so desperate to destroy my walk, my countenance, and to steal my joy. 1 Peter 5:8
A wise man told me in Sunday school, that HAPPINESS is based on circumstances but true JOY comes from the Lord and according to Psalm 30:5b….weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.
That statement rocked my little world. It is common practice for me to doodle in class or in church. It is not because I do not listen or I am bored. Quite the contrary. It is because I have to have something to do with my hands. I concentrate better when I’m moving my pen along a notebook. Weird, I know.
I’ve made quite the masterpieces in Sunday school and church. I was doodling, this particular morning and I will never forget when Mr. Benny Watkins said that statement. I stopped doodling, I sort of had a perplexed look on my face. I do not remember anything else about that lesson or about the sermon.
Happiness vs. Joy
I never understood happiness vs. Joy.
That statement made the answer crystal clear. We may not have happiness in this crimson thread but we are children of an amazing God and we CAN have joy in those crimson times.
“The Lord keeps you from all harm and watches over your life. The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go both now and forever.” Psalm 121:7-8
Even when you are at the darkes on that thread…He is watching over you, loving you, and protecting you. At that moment, it may seem like He has left you…He never moves….turn your head and there, you will find Him with open arms.
Jesus Spoke to Me
Jesus has been speaking to me about taking back what satan has stolen from me. He has stolen a lot and has tried to ruin my tapestry. He has done this simply because he enjoys it. Yet, with one drop of the Blood of Jesus, I can reclaim what was taken. I reclaimed so many things. I told Him that if he wanted me to write, I would write with no fear. If he wanted me to speak, I would speak with no fear.
Here I am
Writing for the world to see, yet no one reads 🙂
My days have not been rainbows and sunshine. The crimson thread has nearly taken over my tapestry. 2015 brought about the continuation of a porn addiction that nearly broke up my marriage, the sudden death of a family member, the stroke of my best friend, and gaining custody of our 21 mth old great-nephew.
In 2016, my dad had a stroke and my Lady was still recovering. I was alternating my time between my family, my Lady, and my dad. Oh, and our continued fight for custody of our great-nephew.
My oldest daughter’s fiancé broke off their engagement and soon after she was let go from her job, our 3rd child’s volatile behavior hit its peak, and my niece was captured and placed in jail. So, one could say that those 2 years, alone, have pretty much-sucked pond water.
I felt alone, abandoned, hopeless, and depressed, very far from God and just numb. It has been difficult….I mean gut-wrenchingly difficult. My theme verse for this season of my life was Romans 4:18-21 (I am paraphrasing): Even when there was no reason for hope, Abraham kept hoping—believing. And Abraham’s faith did not weaken. Abraham never wavered in believing God’s promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger, and in this, he brought glory to God. He was fully convinced that God is able to do whatever he promises.
So, in my own private time and life………without uttering this theme to anyone, I held onto hope that, one day, I would have a rainbow. I know that my rainbow will come because the Lord says in Job 38:11 I said, ‘This far and no farther will you come. Here your proud waves must stop!”
Let the Oddities Begin
Then, in December of 2016, the strangest thing happened. The red thread had begun to overtake my tapestry. We were in a transition of trying to find the right church for our family and we had been visiting one for a few months. We were at church and we were getting ready to worship. We knew the pastor and his wife, as well as, a few families. We really didn’t know anyone else. We had not been going very long, but it was definitely different than what we were used too.
Before service started, there was a welcome and then our pastor called up a man because he had a “word” to give some people in the congregation. We have learned that this is somewhat normal, but still very abnormal to our family…we simply were not used to that. So, we sat and we watched this man pace back and forth in front of the congregation.
I am a people watcher/reader and the thing that caught my eye was the fact that he never opened his eyes when he was pacing or talking. He kept touching the insides of his hands and you could tell that he was uncomfortable but being obedient.
He said that he had had this word from the Lord and he wanted to make sure that it was, indeed, from Him and not from this man’s flesh. He realized through his sleepless nights that this was from the Lord and he had to be obedient.
A Word from the Lord
He said that he had a word for someone in the congregation and so we sat, listened, and watched him pace. He made his way down the aisle that we were sitting on and he stopped in front of Big Daddy. I felt like all the oxygen had been sucked out of the room and my mind was whirling. He asked Big Daddy to stand up.
I looked up to the altar, where our pastor was standing, and he gave me a look, a nod, and a smile that it was okay. This man, whom we had never seen or met, told Big Daddy to hold onto his hand. Now, Big Daddy is not a tiny man and his hands are ginormous, so when he stands, he is noticed.
This man said that the Lord was telling him to “Hold on. Hold on tight to the rope and do not let go. To trust and just hold on tight.” I felt an energy move through me and tears flowed freely, which I don’t usually cry or get swept up in my emotions, so this was strange to me. The moment was fleeting but the air was thick and I knew, in my soul, we were in for a ride.
We are Still Holding On
Come the beginning of 2017…..so many things happened. My daddy had quadruple bypass surgery, my niece (my youngest son’s mom) was sentenced to 10 yrs in prison, my nephew was close behind her, my daughter went to military school due to behavior, we were trying to get custody of another great-nephew.
My oldest daughter called off her engagement and was downsized at work, fighting with insurance companies for my son’s surgery that he needed, then my Lady got sick, again, I had surgery, my 6th son had surgery, stitches were had by kids…..then the straw that broke the camel’s back happened. Needless to say, we were reminded to “hold on” a lot over the course of the first 6 mths of 2017.
During the custody battle over my other great-nephew…Big Daddy and I were trying hard to win that case and it was simply out of our hands. We knew what we could do to help the situation…we were willing…but it was not our call. As I spoke to a friend of mine, asking for prayers, she said that the Lord revealed to her what I need to know. She said I needed to “hold onto hope.” She also said that the Hebrew meaning of “hope” is “rope”, so hold onto the rope.
I caught my breath and I texted her back and asked her who had told her that. She said no one and that it was a word from the Lord to me. I asked her if she knew the man that had said the same thing back in December and she did not know him. That is twice, the Lord has said to “hold on.” We lost custody of this little boy and I thought our ride was over…..we had held on but now our trials were over….now we could retreat and heal from the past couple of years.
Then the call came
My sister called me on Tuesday, June 6, 2017. Now, she rarely calls me on a Tuesday…we talk on Monday. I asked her if everything was okay and she said that she woke up to an odd text. She said it was from a friend, a former neighbor, that she used to walk with. That friend said that the Lord placed my name on her heart and that she was praying for me.
I have never met, spoken to, or even seen a picture of this woman. She simply knows me from what my sister had said and I’m sure I wasn’t the topic of every conversation…although I am awesome like that. I told my sister I did not like that and that meant that something was fixing to happen. My sister told me to take it as a blessing, but I was unsettled.
On June 6, 2017
I knew the meaning and the prophecy behind my theme verse and behind these people telling me to hold on tight to hope. I knew what was to come was going to rock our family to its core….and it did just that. I had spent the previous night in the hospital with my Lady…..the Drs had told me her time is near.
Preparing for the death of your mentor, your best friend, your Lady……there are no words for that. When I got home on the 7th, my son was acting strangely, crying, shaking, everything upset him, so we were really excited for naptime (or at least I was excited). He slept well and my oldest son got him up.
We hugged and snuggled and then I put him on the floor and told him to go about 5 steps to the potty. He went 3 steps and fell….he began shaking violently and said his legs hurt. I picked him up, thinking his legs were asleep, so I held him even more and I rubbed his legs. I put him back down to go to the potty and he fell again.
I knew, then, something was wrong. I called my sister (his grandmother) and said meet me at the ER, the baby can’t walk. From there, we went to Vandy with no results…we got back home and I immediately packed and headed to Kosair’s.
Running on No Sleep
I had not slept since the 5th because I had been at the hospital around the clock with my Lady. Bart stayed home with the other children. Things progressed quickly. He had lost his ability to stand, talk, feed himself, sit up, walk…..all he did was shake from the top of his head down. His eyes were constantly moving, as well.
After a 2-week hospital stay, spinal, EKGs, and so many more tests….we got the diagnosis of Opsoclonus Myoclonus Syndrome. He has either had cancer and his body has so aggressively attacked cancer that now it is attacking his brain OR he will get cancer within the next 3 years and this is just a precursor. During this time, I had to learn to yield control. I had to graciously accept help and ask for help. It was just me and him up there most of the time.
Blessings of Others
I had strangers bringing me meals. I had family come up and sit with me. My sister *always* had her phone by her so I could sit and just cry. Friends and strangers fed my family at home, people gave us money for gas, we were on multiple prayer lists. I am still humbled by being on the receiving end instead of the giving end. Our journey is far from over. Since, we have done chemo, heavy steroids, and many doses of immunotherapy. He still struggles….every day is a different symptom. He has good days and bad days.
Hold On, God is Fixing to Start a New Color
Looking back in what I was seeing as hopeless….God was still telling me to hold onto hope….hold onto that rope of hope. Looking back, my husband was delivered and our marriage was saved, my best friend who had a stroke and was so sick finally went to see her Jesus, and she was restored, we adopted our 7th child right before Christmas in 2016, my father recovered from his stroke and his quadruple bypass, my niece is sober and safe in prison, our daughter who left due to her volatile behavior is figuring out life again, my oldest daughter is happily employed married, and with a baby, we won the insurance battle, and my 6th child will be able to hear (out of both ears) by Christmas, stitches were removed, surgeries healed from, and my baby, well, he is not in remission, but he is doing okay and we are learning how to navigate our new normal. God is good……….He is good all the time and all the time He is good. Job sums it up pretty well In chapter 42:5 I had only heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my eyes.
Eventually, I will write about 2018-2021…the roller coast has not ended but my tapestry will be beautiful when it is done.
In Isaiah 30:19b it states that “He will be very gracious to you at the sound of your cry; when He hears it, He will answer you.”
He knows your heart, He hears your cries and as His children, He will answer you…but it may not be the answer that we want because we see a fraction of the picture…He sees from beginning to end.
Be comforted in knowing that “He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the work that God does from the beginning to end.” Eccl. 3:11 He has written your story…He has it all in the palm of His mighty hands. Trust and obey every step of the way.
We are STILL holding onto hope cause 2021 has been a rough one.