Depression, Guest Blogger, Medical, Suicide Prevention

The Healing Process

In the last part of my guest blogger’s piece, she talks about The Healing Process.  What she has gone through and how she came to peace.  God is so much bigger!

Remembering Little Details of What Happened

 

Some people might think that I am making this too big of a deal and that women get cheated on which is normal in our society. But it’s different. And yet, I don’t think I forgave him, truly forgave him, until a few weeks ago when I attended church with my family and heard my Pastor’s sermon. I sent him a short and to the point message saying that I forgave him and that I would pray that his life will be abundantly blessed in everything he tried in life. That was hard for me to write. Especially considering that he might not have even read the message in the first place since he blocked me off everything.

 

The Healing Process

 

But for me, that is part of the healing process. I don’t hate him. I choose to remember the good things about our relationship rather than focus on the bad things. I need to move forward and be patient enough to wait for the perfect man that God has for me in the future. It could be a few days from now or possibly years from now. But I am choosing to be patient and wait for my lifelong partner. And I will continue to pray for him and that he finds his perfect partner as well.  We might not have had the best relationship in the world but he was still a part of my life and I will never be rid of those good and bad memories. 

 

Advice

 

To the girls and women who have been cheated on or are in those not so good relationships, you have to choose yourself. If you see a red flag then get out. Don’t do what I did and settle for someone who is not your person. It is not worth the heartache and days of tears that will possibly be in your future.

I might be young and my experience might not have much meaning but it is my life. I chose to not settle. And I like being single. Sure, its lonely sometimes but you truly learn who you are and what your personality is like when you are by yourself. Love you. Take care of you. Don’t settle. He is not a monster but he was not my forever.

And for the first time in a long time, I am okay with that.

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The Proposal

The Proposal

The Proposal

 

Now it is time to talk about The Proposal.  After about 2 years he proposed to me at the park with no people around because I believe that proposals should be a private thing. I had pushed so hard to be engaged because I wanted to be married and I wanted to find that love that I truly craved even though I should have been craving Jesus and his true and eternal love. We were engaged for only a few months before it happened.

Like I said, I do not believe in cheating and I think it is a cowardly thing to do to someone. One night, he and I had returned from a date and he ran upstairs to get something from his apartment. I decided to go on his phone and take some pictures. Being the nosy person I was, I went through his text messages and found messages from a strange girl. She was only 16.

 

He Had Been Cheating on Me With a 16 Year Old Girl

 

I was shocked. Just shock. I turned his phone off and set it down and waited for his return. When I questioned him about the messages, he instantly got defensive and said she was just a friend. Friends don’t ask for pictures of friends or that they wish they could kiss each other. I still remember just sitting in his car. Gripping my hands and digging my nails into my skin to keep from crying. I took his phone and immediately ran upstairs to the safety of my moms arms and showed her why I was sobbing like my heart was absolutely broken. Of course he followed and tried to make the situation better but my mom knew better than that.

 

We Broke Up

 

I was heartbroken and still in shock. Honestly, I felt numb to all things in the world.  I did not know any other pain except what I was feeling in my heart. If you have never experienced a heartbreak like being cheated on, you are so incredibly lucky and blessed. He cheated on me not once, not twice, but three times. Three different women.

I know I might be making this too big a deal but at the time I could not look at him the same. Honestly, I gave him so many second chances.  He absolutely begged for when he said he truly loved me.  He did not understand why he cheated on me. I never got a clear answer as to why. That’s all I wanted to know. Why? What did I do wrong? Was I not pretty enough, smart enough, or thin enough? The girls he cheated on me with were incredibly pretty.

 

It’s Over

 

I told him that I could not do it anymore. I gave him the ring back and told him that I would always love him and that he played a part in my life, but we needed to go our separate ways. The look in his eyes. I can still feel the pounding of my heart. Remembering how clammy my hands felt and how I heard him storm out of the house and the screech of his tires down the road.

I went and told my parents what happened and I just broke down. I sobbed like I never had before. Do you know that feeling? I almost can not explain it. Three years I gave to this man, who was supposed to be my future husband, this person who I thought was my best friend and trusted partner. My grandmother and I had already put together my wedding bouquet and my mom and I had already looked at dresses. And all I could think about is why was I not good enough for him? Why me? What did I do to him that I deserved a cheater and a liar as a fiance?

 

Memories

 

So many memories that we created together to only flush them down the toilet. I was miserable for months, especially since he lived in the same town as me so I would see him constantly. I went through the stages of grief and I was still not okay at the end. And to be honest, I do not think that I am okay with this. His mom blamed me for breaking his heart, his friends that were “friends” with me were confused and would not leave me alone, his brother messaged me as well, my ex blamed me and told me it was my fault that he cheated on me. Everything was my fault. And I claimed it. For a little while, he did not speak to me.

 

Manipulation

 

One day we were texting for some reason and he told me some very scary things that he was going to do and that I could do nothing to help him and that it was my fault. My mind spun of control and I started to have flashbacks of how manipulative he was to me when he got like this. Luckily, my mom and my pastor handled the situation and we did not speak much after that. After a few months I literally ran him out of town and I told him to never come back and to never speak to me again or he would regret it.

 

Consumed in Anger

 

The anger that I felt towards his consumed my life and that turned into bitterness. Even now, I still see patterns of him in men who try to date me. My life spun out of control and I made some very poor choices. I still do not understand how I could have been so stupid and so blind to stay with him for as long as I did. And for the longest time, I despised him.

I convinced myself that I just did not fit the mold of what a woman should look like.  Dress like.  Even act like in this modern world. I really let myself go.  Furthermore, I kept all of my emotions bottled up and stuffed deep down.  I did this so I would not have to deal with the pain. Honestly, I think that I have kept it bottled up for so long.  I have blocked out those memories so quickly that in writing this piece I am still crying.

Part 3:  Coming Tomorrow

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How It Began

My guest blogger today talks about How It Began between her and her “first” boyfriend.  In it she reveals the emotional abuse, manipulation, and pain that she endured during the almot 3 years of dating this boy.

This is Something That is Considerably Difficult for Me to Write

I still have not been able to let it go after all these years. But I feel like now is the time to write about what my experiences were like when I was dating someone. I had not been in a relationship (or at least a serious one) until I met him. Online dating is the hip and cool new way to meet possible relationships.  You can talk with random people all over the world.  I was sadly one of the suckers that got sucked into all of the fun profiles and nice looking men.

 

How It Began

 

He showed up in my Facebook messages.  Then he told me that he found my profile on the dating website.  Sadly, he did not have the premium services.  Because of that, he had to message me via Facebook. He was a nice looking man and I thought, why not? Maybe I should open myself up and see if this might go somewhere. We started talking and we talked online and eventually started texting and calling almost daily for quite a few months.

Eventually, We Met and He Took Me on a Date

 

He was incredibly tall, 6’5 which seemed like a dream come true to my 6’0 tall self. Our date went really well and I invited him to come to church with me the following day. We started dating even though he lived in Alabama and we shortly declared ourselves in a relationship after only dating for a little while. My friends, family, and church family were so supportive of us and our long distance relationship. It was so hard for him and I to only see each other every two weeks for only two short days. And sometimes I would go months without seeing him because of him working two jobs.

 

The Honeymoon Phase

 

I was in such a “honeymoon” phase that I did not truly see how screwed up our relationship was at the time. Honestly, I made it very clear that I did not want to do anything further unless we got married. I made a choice a long time ago to wait until marriage to have any kind of relations with a man since that is what God says in his Word. After about a year of dating, he kissed me and touched me even though I did not say yes or no. And from there we continued to make poor choices and follow fleshly desires rather than focusing our eyes on God and working on our relationship.

 

Being “In Love”

 

I wanted to make him happy because I wanted to be in love so bad and I wanted him to care about me like I saw in the relationships of my other friends. I had never felt that feeling of “being in love” and I did not see how dangerous it was for me to continue in that sin pattern. Eventually I told him that we could not continue like this anymore and he agreed to stop. From the beginning that we started dating I told him that if he ever laid a finger on me that it would not end well for him, which he didn’t but he also treated me in a way that is not acceptable in the way a man should take care of a woman.

 

Manipulation and Emotional Abuse

 

He would yell at me and be overly possessive over me for no reason. I told him that I was considering, not even stating I was actually going to do it, but that I wanted to possibly join a sorority. He freaked out and told me he did not want me to join because I would leave him for a frat guy that was better than him. I assured him that cheating was not something that I take lightly and that I only had eyes for him.

He would yell at me even in front of my family to the point where I had to leave the room in order to stay calm and keep my composure. Yet, I still said nothing because I did not want him to leave me. He would emotionally abuse me and refused to communicate with me when we would fight. I tried to put a bandaid on the issue or smile my way through it and say that we were alright. I refused to listen to wisdom from my church family, my mentors, and my family, especially my mom.

Part 2:  Coming Tomorrow

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Life or Something Like It

Courting Questions

Courting Questions

Courting Questions on Faith

Courting Questions is a list of questions with some Biblical support on each.  We have used this to help in the “dating” world of each of our children.

What are your habits with regard to Bible study? Bible Study

What is your opinion of personal witnessing? Witnessing

What would you say is your spiritual gift(s)? Spiritual Gifts

Do you show a regular willingness to serve others?  In what ways? Serving Others

Do you tithe? Tithe

What is your practice regarding personal prayer? Prayer Life

Also, do you tend to be more of a leader or follower in life?

In making decisions, what role does God’s Word play? God’s Word

What are your thoughts on family worship?

What would be the key attributes of such a practice in your home?

Describe a typical Sunday in your life from start to finish.

Family

This set of Courting Questions is all on the family.  When you marry a person, you are marrying everyone!

Describe your relationship with your father?

Do any mental or emotional illnesses that could affect your children run in your family?

Describe your relationship with your mother?

Can you describe your relationship with your grandparents?

Can you tell me your thoughts on how a man should protect a wife and children?

How do you see your future relationship with your in-laws working out?

Are there any unsettled issues with your parents?

Friendships/Relationships/Commitments

Now we come to the Courting Questions of friendships and relationships.  This can be a sticky topic sometimes.

Can you describe your relationship with your friends? Friendships

Have you ever had to deal with a broken relationship? If so, please provide the details of that relationship, how long ago, the situation, and how did you handle it? Relationships

Men & Women, what is your attitude towards them?

What is their purpose?

Can you talk about your prior experience with dating and romance? Dating

Have you ever kissed or been physically intimate in any way with a girl/woman? If so, explain the circumstances. Premarital Sex

Are you consistently faithful in fulfilling your commitments? Commitments

Self

These Courting Questions are all centered around you, as a person, and how you handle things.

In what ways is self-centeredness expressed in your life? Self-Centeredness

Are you ever manipulative of others? Manipulation

What kinds of situations cause you frustration?  How do you respond? Frustration

What circumstances might make you impatient or angry? Impatience

How do you handle anger? Anger

Have you ever been violent?

Do you raise your voice when angry?

Are your spending habits disciplined?

What is your discipline in studying?

Do you read regularly, and if so, what?

Who is your favorite author?

Outside the Bible, what would be your five favorite non-fiction books?

Five favorite fiction books?

What are your habits regarding sleeping?

Are you lethargic?

Are your sleep habits irregular?

Do you follow a regular schedule?

Are you organized?

Would you consider yourself neat or messy?

How do you feel about guns?

Do you use offensive language? Speech

What is your attitude toward pets? Indoor? Outdoor?

Do you have political leanings?

How is your general attitude toward civil government?

Favorite sources for news?

Do you have any interests, hobbies, talents?

What do you value most highly in life? What next?

In your spare time, what do you tend to do?

Do you prefer to live in the city, suburbs, town, or country; farm, seaside, mountains, or desert? Why?

Describe a typical weekday in your life from start to finish.

Describe a typical Saturday in your life from start to finish.

Health & Social

Here are some Courting Questions on health and social aspects.

Do you have any physical or mental disabilities or diseases?

Any allergies?

Prior or current health problems?

Do you drink alcohol? If so, what and how often?

What are your views on alcohol?

In addition, do you smoke?

What are your views on smoking?

Do you watch television, R-rated movies? PG-rated movies?

What were the last five movies you watched?

Is there a kind of music you prefer?

Do you find any music offensive?

Money & Work

The next set of Courting Questions revolves around money and work.

What is your view of debt? Debt

Do you have any financial debt? If so, explain the extent and the circumstances.

How would you describe your work ethic? Work Ethic

Do you have a high standard of excellence?

Do you tend to be either slothful or a workaholic?

How many hours per week do you work?

What are your income producing (vocational) skills?

Marriage

Now, we face the Courting Questions on Marriage!

How have you prepared yourself for marriage? Preparing for Marriage

In what ways do you think you may need to grow before marriage?

What does “leave and cleave” mean to you? Leave and Cleave

Are you prepared to put your wife first, before all others, including your parents?

What are your views on women working outside the home?

Can you tell me your thoughts on how a man should provide for a wife and family?

What is your view on the role of a spouse? Role of Wife Role of Husband

What are your views concerning divorce and remarriage? Divorce

Do you have a personal timetable for marriage? If so, what is it?

What type of education are you hoping that your future spouse will have?

List the five most important characteristics of a spouse (for you personally).

List any characteristics or personality traits that would bother or irritate you in a spouse.

Parenting

Typically, parenting comes after marriage and these Courting Questions are important.

How do you relate to children?

How often are you around children?

What are your thoughts regarding birth control and family planning? Birth Control Family Planning

How many children do you hope to have?

What is your attitude toward adopting children? Adoption

What are your views on child training, including corporal punishment? Discipline

What are your views on homeschooling? Homeschooling

If “your” daughter were marrying “you,” what cautions would you have?

What are your thoughts on alternative medicine?

What are your thoughts on immunizations?

Hot Topics

These Courting Questions are a little bit more personal.  Remember, regardless of the answer, God loves you!

When you fail someone, what actions do you take to rectify the situation? Forgiveness

Are you honest? Honesty

Do you ever slant the truth for your own benefit? http://www.openbible.info/topics/lying

Have you ever been in trouble with the law? If so, explain the extent and the circumstances.

What tendencies do you have toward prejudice or racism? Prejudice Racism

Have you ever had periods of rebellion? If so, explain the extent and the circumstances.

Have you ever been exposed to pornography? If so, explain the extent and the circumstances. Pornography

What are your views on homosexuality? Homosexuality

Do you currently use any type of drugs? Have you in your past? If so, explain the extent and the circumstances.

Courting Questions Conclusion

Realize, these questions were first found at Your Sacred Calling.  However, I edited some of them and I added Scripture.  This is an amazing group of questions that can help you or your child.  Also, this is completely Biblically based.  In addition, you must realize that God loves us all, regardless of the answers to these questions.  We are called to love everyone, in all situations.  God is our Judge.  We are called to love and bring joy to others.

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You know there is a problem when.

You know there is a problem when the boy who is interested in your daughter

shows up at your home

with an envelope in his hand

asks to speak to you

and says

“Ms. Brandi, I was dishonest with you, on Sunday.  You frightened me when you asked me if there was anything you needed to know.  However, now I want to tell you and show you my

ARREST RECORD!”

Yes, people, he handed me his extensive arrest record.

I had friends at this dinner, who love my daughter like their own.  The look on my face was I’m sure priceless, but looking across the table at their faces was a sight to behold.

I believe at one point, as speechless (yes it does happen) as I was, that John John looked at this young man who had an interest in my daughter..he stared him down and said: “uhm, no….just no.”

We fed the young man.  Oddly, he asked for a photo op with Big Daddy and me.  We opted against that.  However, we were nice.  Oh, and we wished him well.  An executive decision is heck no techno you are NOT dating my daughter.

“I’m a Christian but I will punch you in the face” LOLOLOLOL

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Let’s Just Say that Someone is Interested in Your Daughter

Let’s Just Say that Someone is Interested in Your Daughter.

He comes for dinner.  An unexpected guest.  He is a hugger…this you did not know.  Large, strange man hugging you.

Weird.

With great wonder, he comments on how *wonderful* and *large* your home is.  Then, there is a moment of “ma’am, may I please speak to you.”

You sit so he can speak.

In a previous conversation, you asked questions such as:  “What was the last book of the Bible you read?”

Answer:  Psalm 91

“What is your favorite verse?”

Answer:  Uhhhhh….the first one.

“Have you read the book of Habakkuk?”

Answer:  It is in the Old Testament, right?  If it is short, I will go home and read it.

“If I searched your name on google, what would I find?”

Answer:  “Ah, nothing ma’am…I just watch Godtube.

Then the truth comes out…..

He walks into your home and hands you a manila envelope.

He states that he wants to be honest and hands you his arrest record.

You must give the boy props for coming clean.  Hold no grudges, everyone can change.

“What are your intentions with my daughter?”

Answer:  I don’t want to have sex until I’m married.

**choke back the vomit, ask for a coke and possibly a valium**

“No, we are not talking about sex.  What are you wanting from knowing my daughter?”

Answer:  Oh, ma’am, they tell me in AA that I can’t be in a relationship until I have been sober for a year.

“You are an alcoholic.  Okay.  You are in recovery.  Good for you.  How long have you been sober?”

Answer:  Not a year.

Conversation over.

Supper eaten.

Boy exits….after another hug and a surprise photo op because he wants the “memory” of being here.

Seriously.

Is it *just* my life?

There was more to the conversation.  So.  Much.  More.

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