To Conform or Not to Conform
To Conform or Not to Conform
I’ve struggled with self-esteem issues for most of my life. Despite having loving parents and people invested in my life, I couldn’t understand why I felt the way I did. Now, looking back, I see how loved I was, but hindsight is 20/20. Back then, I didn’t see it. I saw myself as the girl in the “stupid kid class,” who struggled with adding, multiplication, telling time, or even understanding what an adverb was. My peers stared at me and made fun of me daily. It was an incredibly difficult time. The question of the day is To Conform or Not to Conform.
How Many Legs Does a Dog Have?
In Kindergarten, the teachers wanted to hold me back because I answered a question wrong on a test. I was asked how many legs a dog had, and I said 3. I remember my mother rushing into the classroom, defending me, saying something like, “She’s not stupid. She just hasn’t seen a four-legged dog.” Let that sink in. I was six years old and had never seen a four-legged dog. It still blows my mind.
6th Grade Drama
In sixth grade, with its hot guys, pegged jeans, and jean jackets, I couldn’t fit in. I was placed in the “stupid” class, and I remember walking in line, being stared at and laughed at by my peers. My mother made sure I didn’t stay there long, though I’m not sure what she said to make that happen. Eventually, I moved back into the mainstream classes.
Always Different
I’ve always felt different. No matter how hard I tried, I never fit in. There were moments when I copied the other girls’ hairstyles, wore trendy clothes, and said things I thought would help me blend in. But instead, I just looked foolish and isolated myself further.
Wearing My Mask
I often wore different “faces” depending on the situation. At school, I wore the “I don’t care that I have no friends and can’t understand my homework” face. When at church, I wore the “sanctified, holier-than-thou” face. At home, I wore the “sullen, no one understands me” face. I had a mask for every setting.
Reed in a Hurricane Syndrome
This “reed in the hurricane” mentality set me up for some difficult experiences. I faced abuse, eating issues, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and depression. My intense need to fit in led me down a dangerous path, but despite the pain, I’m grateful that God protected me from further harm.
Coming to Peace
Over the years, I transformed into someone I can finally be at peace with. The exhaustion of pretending to be someone I wasn’t became overwhelming. Eventually, I stopped caring what others thought of me. What matters now is knowing who I am and WHOSE I am.
What Has Been Said About Me
I’ve been told that I can’t be a submissive and honoring wife because I’m too bold and outspoken. Once, I was accused of controlling my husband and not allowing him to make decisions for our family. I’ve been told I only love my husband when he does things for me. There have been times that I’ve been criticized for homeschooling my children, with people claiming I wasn’t smart enough to teach them. But my children have excelled—going to college and becoming successful, well-rounded individuals.
I’ve been called an adulterous person for praying with a man over his marriage. I’ve been told that I will never be taken seriously and that I’m not perceived as intelligent. These statements have hurt me and made me question who I am. But then I stop and remember WHOSE I am. I am a child of the King.
He Knows Me
Psalm 139:13-16 says, “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them.”
Truths About Me
For those who want to know who I am, here it is: I love my Lord with all my heart and soul. I’m passionate about caring for the needy and reaching out to those no one else wants to be around. I love my husband, my children, and my grandchildren. My Lord comes first, my husband comes second, and my children come third. Everyone else will have to take a number.
I wear hot pink hair with some purple most of the time. I hold those I love very close to my heart. Trust is difficult for me, but I can read people well. I love to sit and observe. I enjoy feeding people and use humor to cover up my hurts. Friendships aren’t easy for me, and I have a brain of my own. Forgiveness is hard for me, but I do it. I can admit when I’m wrong and apologize. Lying is unacceptable.
Be Kind
If you don’t like me or have assumptions about me, that’s okay. But if you want to know something, ask. Don’t judge a person based on a snap decision. Take the time to get to know them. Sit at their table, learn their story, and be mindful of your words.
Different Does Not Mean Bad
I am different. In the end, I will never walk the same path you walk, and I won’t try to be someone I’m not. Seriously, I won’t be the super-smart one, and I’ll never bend the truth just to make someone happy. I will speak my truth and tell you if you’ve hurt my feelings. There are many days when I don’t like to cry, and my job is not to please people. My calling is to love God and love my neighbor. That is what I strive to do.
Salt and Light
Matthew 5:13-16 says, “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot. You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead, they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.”
I will stand out, be noticed, and not hide my light. Honestly, I will be myself, and I will encourage, feed, and love you—whether you like it or not. Salt and light, people… salt and light. My hot pink light will shine brightly until the return of Christ. Embrace it, enjoy it, or walk away. The choice is yours.
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