Suicide Sprinkled Throughout My Life
Suicide has been a thread woven through my life, though I didn’t fully understand it until I was older. As a child, I saw sadness and knew that people had passed away, but the gravity of it escaped me. The word itself was foreign to me until I was about ten years old. Even then, it wasn’t until I was fourteen and experienced my grandfather’s passing that I began to comprehend the depth of loss and what death truly meant.
Sharing Stories, Spreading Awareness
Throughout this month, in honor of Suicide Prevention Awareness, I have shared stories from people I know and love—people who have allowed me to be part of the chapter God is writing in their lives. Writing and sharing these stories has not been easy, but I know that their pain has purpose. Their words may be the light that someone else needs to seek help. Healing is found on the other side of brokenness, and their courage in sharing their journey could be the very thing that saves another person.
The Weight of Heartache
Hearing these stories and knowing what these people have endured breaks my heart. I long for Jesus to return and erase the pain, the hurt, the abuse. He will come, like a thief in the night, not when I wish but in His perfect timing. I rest in the promise that He can bring good from even the most tragic circumstances. Though He does not ordain suffering, He allows it, and He will use it for His glory.
My First Encounter with Suicide
I was about ten years old when I first brushed up against the concept of suicide. A young man, a friend of our family, loved riding horses. One day, I had been thrown off our pony—a creature no bigger than a large dog—and lay on the ground, terrified and breathless. He watched from the sidelines, his leg encased in a cast up to his thigh.
Rather than standing idly by, he tossed aside his crutches, mounted the horse with ease, and calmed her down. Then, he turned to me with a look of determination and told me to get back on. I was hesitant, but he wouldn’t let me walk away in fear. With his encouragement, I got back on that horse, and from that moment, I was no longer afraid.
Then, one day, he was gone. Whispers filled the air. Quiet conversations. Crying. I didn’t understand what had happened. No one spoke openly about it, but the silence was deafening. Now, looking back, I know the truth. He had taken his own life.
Another Loss, Another Whisper
Not long after, another family friend was suddenly absent. Again, hushed whispers, tears, and a heavy sadness hung over those I loved. The word ‘suicide’ was still never spoken, but now, as an adult, I recognize what it was.
A Decade Later, A Shattering Loss
Years later, I lost another dear friend. This time, I was old enough to understand. He was loved by so many, incredibly talented, and his passing shook me to my core. The pain of suicide is unnatural and unbearable. Parents should never have to bury their child, no matter their age, and yet, so many do. The grief and unanswered questions linger forever.
When It Hits Close to Home
One of my closest friends, whom I met through a Christian group, has fought battles that few could understand. She has struggled with feelings of worthlessness and despair, but through God’s grace, she is still here. I thank the Lord every day that her attempts were not successful—He knew she was needed, loved, and still had a purpose.
Sadly, she was not the only one in her family to face this darkness. I remember the day she messaged me, telling me her sister had died by suicide. The pain in her words still echoes in my heart. She continues to light candles in her sister’s memory and speaks out about suicide awareness, hoping to spare another family from enduring the same devastation.
Breaking the Cycle
The hole left by suicide never fully heals. It is a generational curse that can be broken, but it takes action. If you are struggling, please seek help. Talk to someone. Start therapy. Consider medication. Reach out to a friend. You are not alone. You are loved.
Your life matters, and there is hope.
Please, if you or someone you love is struggling, don’t wait. There is help available. Reach out today. You are worth it.
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Let Them by Cassie Phillips
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