Tag: mental health recovery

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Choices that I Made

Brandi C

Choices that I Made

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7  The Lord chose me and His choices are for me to live!

Life-Changing Events

Being a young parent is hard. Tremendously hard. It changes you when you have complicated pregnancies and one delivery that almost loses your child. The lack of communication, dealing with undiagnosed (and untreated) mental illness (depression and anxiety), and money were some of the problems. Well, that can wreak havoc on a marriage. Other things that happened were utterly life-changing. My children and I almost died. That was the moment when I lost myself.

Choices that I Made

Because of the events that changed three beautiful kids and me forever, I left a good husband. He did nothing but try to be the best husband. Honestly, I think he believed that if he just loved me enough, all my past anxiety and depression would go away. Unfortunately, it didn’t.

Just Keeping Swimming

A failed marriage, a dead-end relationship, and then an abusive marriage is what happened in the blink of an eye. That relationship and abusive marriage are things I should never have been in in the first place. The abusive marriage caused me to be in a very dark place.

I tried to keep on, but I was treading water, barely keeping my eyes above the waves. Sadly, I went through the motions of life, but I wasn’t there anymore. A terrible accident occurred, and I have not recovered from that. Medical issues and so much more that I cannot even list. It was just hit after hit. Day after day. Minute after minute.

What I Didn’t See

Nothing I did that was good enough for him. He cheated all the time. Lied. He abused me mentally, emotionally, and so much more. He tried to separate me from the people I loved most. So I tried to take my own life. I didn’t feel worthy. I thought that everyone would be better off without me. My kids and family were isolated from me because of my abusive husband. I didn’t want to live anymore.

But God

By the grace of God, I lived. My family never left me. They gave me the strength to leave him and move forward. I learned how to live independently, seeking no one’s approval. This time, as an adult, I sought help and continued to stay in therapy. Sadly, I have had a couple of relapses. However, my family rallied around me this time, and I was not alone.

Today

I am happy to say that I am alive, happily married again, and I have a great support system. I feel I am a much stronger person now. The man I am married to is good for me and loves me. Now, I have a bonus daughter to add to my crew. I am loved.

My Advice to You

There have been choices that I have made that were very bad. Honestly, I regret it to this day. If I could take it all back and have a do-over, I would in a heartbeat. Sadly, I can’t. So all I can do is learn from them. I have done that and moved on. I’ve also known that it’s okay to have bad days. There are days when you want to curl up in a bed and cry all day. Maybe eat a gallon of ice cream.

Just don’t stay there.

You are not that person anymore.

Resources

If you or someone you know is being abused, PLEASE reach out.

ChildHelp Hotline

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Suicide Prevention Lifeline

 

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Struggling with Depression and Anxiety at a Young Age

Brandi C

Struggling with Depression and Anxiety at a Young Age

Struggling with Depression and Anxiety at a Young Age

I have struggled with Depression and Anxiety a Young Age since I was young. My parents divorced when I was two and a half years old. Then both parents remarried. My mom had two other daughters with my stepfather. He was mentally and physically abusive to my mother, sisters, and me. I never knew my birth father. He had remarried and lived somewhere else. I didn’t have any contact with him. Never did I know the truth until later.

The Truth Comes Out

I didn’t know he was my stepfather until I was 8. When I found out, I cried because I was confused. I remember seeing my real dad on visitation right after he and my stepmom married. That was when I was four, and that was the last time I saw him until I was 14. No one ever talked about my real dad. Then, one day, I asked my stepdad about the man who kidnapped me. That was the story my mom always told me. My stepfather, however, wanted to tell me the truth that he was not my real dad. He tried to tell me that the man I was told kidnapped me was my biological father.

Seeking Approval

At such an early age, I was always seeking my mother’s approval. I guess I did this because she never was around. Since she was never around, I was taking care of my sisters. Someone had to be the mother after her second divorce. Sadly, I was molested by one of my mother’s boyfriends when I was 12. When I was 13, my mother left my sisters and me. There was no reason, no goodbye, nothing.

Life After She Left

I lived with family members until they didn’t want me. Then I ended up living with my best friend and her mom. Finally, at age 15, my birth father contacted me, and I went to live with him and his family. The transition was tough because I had never really had a family before. That transition took a lot of getting used to for me. Having a stepmother, not knowing how to deal with her or what to expect from her. My birth mother was not a mother at all.

I Missed My Sisters

My sisters were living with other family members. I had to get used to having a father who didn’t physically abuse me. He was trying to be a father to me, which I was not used to having. Furthermore, I was learning how to cope with my anxiety and depression by myself. Sure my stepmother got me into therapy as soon as I moved here. Sadly, I didn’t know how to apply it to myself to help me. I was 15 years old and still hurt by my mother abandoning my sisters and me. She didn’t feel like being a mother anymore. I didn’t see my sisters again until I was 19 years old.

Still Seeking Approval

I tried too hard to have a relationship with my stepmother. It was next to impossible to have one with her. She was challenging to get along with, but I still tried. I married my high school sweetheart right out of high school. We started dating when I was 16, and he was 15, soon to be 16. He was my best friend. Still, I struggled so badly with my anxiety and depression. Our marriage had some pretty rough patches that changed me forever.

Resources

If you or someone you know is being abused, PLEASE reach out.

ChildHelp Hotline

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Suicide Prevention Lifeline

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Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

My Life is Hard

Brandi C

My Life is Hard

As you can see, mental illness can affect every ounce of your life. Thoughts come and go like the ocean’s tides, yet she remains steadfast. She is trying and reaching out. Though some days, all appears well with her, in her mind, they are not. Please show grace and kindness to all you meet. You do not know the battles they face.

My Life is Hard

It is a struggle for me on most days to get out of bed. To remember to make myself take my pills that are supposed to help the chemical imbalance in my brain. Aka makes me happier and more “normal.” Sometimes I feel like they work; other times, I feel like my old self. I let the thoughts I thought were gone back in. Once they are in, I can’t get them out. I think about things I’ve done and how I liked the feeling. But then I think about the people I know who would be disappointed in me if I chose that path again.

So I sit and contemplate, should I or not? I liked the pain and the feeling of getting it out in a way only I could feel. I mean, I wasn’t hurting anyone else, was I? But no, I made a promise, so I chose to sit in silence. I decide to do nothing but sit and stare into the emptiness inside me. Most days, I try to fill the hole with anything it holds. I try to keep my mind occupied to keep away the thoughts of suicide.

Some Days

But then there are days when everything seems alright, the pain is still there, but it’s not so debilitating. These days life is not so bad I have the energy I can talk and reciprocate the feeling and put effort into conversating. I can express the things on my mind and try to tell them I’m not okay and need some help and not just for the day. These days I’m motivated, by my commitments, to my job, or to do anything involving another person. These are the days that I see my people the most. I try to explain where I’ve been and why I’ve been so distant, but they know they’ve been there with me. The days that I am okay are the days that I feel loved, and those are the days I return the love.

Few and Far Between

The good days used to be far and in between, the bad days now that’s where I lived. But now, my days are starting to turn around. I’m not going to lie; they’re about 50% good and 50% bad. I’m not where I want to be, but I’m farther than I thought I’d be. I know ill never be 100% good no one ever is. But I would like the good to be more than the bad for one day.

My Goal

I know the only way to achieve my goal is to work on myself and be honest with myself. I need to be more aware of my feelings and keep myself on the right path. I’ve got to decide to make an effort to get better. And I have; I take my medication when I’m supposed to, and I tell the doctor when I feel like I need something new. I’m trying to go to counseling for the first time. I am honest, and I try to get my feeling across. I am trying.

For me, the thing that’s helped me is the bond between the people I consider to be my support system. They aren’t afraid to tell me how it is and push me to do what I know I should do but am too scared to do. My support people love me because they can, not because they feel obligated to love me. They choose to care about my life, listen to me without making me feel guilty, and help and advise when they feel like they can.

Reaching Out

The one thing that’s helped me the most is finding people that share the same thoughts. It’s easier for me to open up to someone that I know has been in a similar situation or the same mental disorder. We can share our feelings and know that we aren’t alone. We can talk about the bad days and not worry about the looks we will get. Because we both share the same struggles, we can help each other through them. We can talk to each other without getting offended.

Thoughts on Mental Disorder

When you have a mental disorder, taking responsibility for your actions is hard, so having that support group, friends, and sometimes family makes it easier when they can help remind you. You may have a more challenging time making the right decision because of the disorder, but you are the one that makes that decision. Because for the longest time, I blamed everything on everyone, and then I blamed everything on my mental disorder. But now that I’m stable, I can see everything is up to me. I chose what to do and when to do it, so I’m trying to make a better effort.

I am a Work in Progress

My life is hard, but at least I try. I’m no longer sitting in the dark contemplating my life. I may not be all sunshine and rainbows, but at least I now can smile. I now hate myself a little less, and I admit I am a work in progress. I’ll always struggle with this depression and my mental disorder. It will always be harder for me than most, but now I am fighting for my life. I want to live and love. To grow into the person, I was meant to be. I want to use my struggles to help others, but most importantly, I want to be free. Free of shame, free of guilt, and free of hate for myself.

Resources

If you or someone you know is being abused, PLEASE reach out.

ChildHelp Hotline

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Suicide Prevention Lifeline