Tag: lgbtqia+

Depression, Guest Blogger, Medical Issues, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Three Words I Can Say Could Make You Hate Me

Barefoot Faith Journey

Three Words I Can Say Could Make You Hate Me

Guest Blogger

In this piece, Three Words I Can Say Could Make You Hate Me, my guest blogger begins to outline her life when she was younger. She has a powerful voice yet is still too scared to let it out loudly. Time and Jesus will cure that. I’m so proud of her and all she has been doing to heal.

A Born Fixer

Ever since I was a little girl, all I wanted to do was please and helped you. All I have done my whole life is what you need. You needed someone to bathe a kid. I did it. You needed someone to help feed a kid. I did it. You needed someone to complain to, and that was me. 

I grew up listening to everything wrong in your life, your husband or ex-husband’s drama, your “my kids hate me,” my kids are terrible, and my kids don’t love me. Did you forget I was your kid too? Or am I just an ear to listen and a body to help work? You’ve groomed me well for the job I would like to have one day. If anything, I am a listener and want to help others to the best of my ability. So at least there is a positive within all the negativity. I have listened to and experienced this during my life.

This Thing Called Life

My life has been a series of what mom needs me to do next? What does my youngest brother need? Or even what can I help another brother with that day? He may have had most of your attention growing up, but that also meant that he got the attention of the men in your life. So many negative things were going on in his life as well. As much as I don’t like him, I do love him, so I didn’t want to see him so upset. 

You have complained to me so many times about so many different things that it makes me scared to share anything good or bad with you because I am afraid it will upset you. If I tell you some things, you’ll stop caring, stop loving me. Instead, I would bottle up or ignore it because I know you wouldn’t approve of or hurt your feelings.

What About Me and My Feelings

Like sometimes, I want to point out that I have feelings, too, and I’m tired of having only one-way conversations about you and your kids like I’m not one of them. I know you don’t mean anything by it towards me, but it still hurts me. Especially when you say we are all unmotivated kids, that’s don’t care about you. Maybe not in that order, but they have both been said. I am motivated. I work. I’m trying to move out. I do love you. Stop putting us all together like we are all the same. 

One day I would like to have a conversation with you about my life and the things I am learning about myself. Like I remembered what it was like to be motivated to finish something. Sure, it’s just a sweater, but that is an accomplishment to me. To be able to wear something that I made. Just because it’s not interesting to you doesn’t mean it’s not essential.

My Dreams

The same with schooling; just because it’s not what you want me to do doesn’t mean that it’s not something I can do. I want to work in the psychology field with kids. But that’s not good enough for you. You want me to be able to support myself, and I get that, but why can’t you help me in my decision on what I want to do? It just might take me a while to get there.

The Truth About My Engagement

I would love to sit down and talk with you about why I truly didn’t get married. How it was a lie, to begin with, sure it wasn’t intentional, but a lie nonetheless. I want to tell you that I have recently learned that I am not interested in men but more confused than anything. I’d like to have your support while I try to figure everything out all the way. But you’d disown me for that thought or try to shame me out of it. 

I have listened to everything you have had to say about everything and everyone. I have supported you through good and bad decisions. In short, I have loved you and accepted you as you are. But you would not do the same for me, I am sure. You would hear the words, and then you’d be done. Done with me and done with everything else because without me, who will you talk to?

Three Words I Can Say Could Make You Hate Me

Without me, who will help you when you’re down? Without me, who will help pick up the pieces left and glue them back together when anger or sadness strikes?

I love you, and I worry about you more than anything or anyone else. So me keeping this one thing from you. Keeping it under lock and key may hurt me, but at least I know you’ll be okay. Cause I’ll still help you. The sad thing is there’s nothing you can do to make me stop loving you, but just three could make you hate me.

Thankful

Today, I am thankful for the bravery of this young lady. She certainly has powerful emotion behind her words. Also, she is using them to help her sort through the muddy water. She is loved and a treasure. May she be blessed in her courage and continue to speak for those who do not have a voice.

Depression, Guest Blogger, Medical Issues, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Ending the Stigma of Mental Illness

Barefoot Faith Journey

Ending the Stigma of Mental Illness

Ending the Stigma of Mental Illness

In Ending the Stigma of Mental Illness, my guest blogger shares her thoughts on this subject. I have a mental disorder that can be crippling at times. When I say crippling, I mean I cannot get myself out of bed. I have thoughts on a continuous loop that should not be there: those days when I don’t call or text. Or even speak to people. Hell, I don’t even come out of my room. When I say I can’t get myself out of bed, I mean, I literally will stay in it for days. I will only leave to go to the bathroom or to eat.

The “Happy” Place

There are also days when I am “happy”; these are the days when I can get myself into trouble. When I talk ninety to nothing and spend all of my money in one place, I could get in the car and drive in one direction, not knowing where I am going, but going anywhere is better than where I am. These are the days when I bombard all my friends that I haven’t talked to in days that I want to do something. On these days, I don’t sleep, I could be up for days at a time, and it wouldn’t bother me. I make poor choices when I am like this.

This is Bipolar Disorder in a Nutshell, at Least in my Case.

I am tired of the stigma on mental illness or mental health. Everyone can tell if you have asthma by the physical complications you have. However, when it comes to mental illnesses, we dare not speak of them. They don’t exist for people who don’t have them or perceive them as unfavorable.

You don’t see people not talking to people with asthma, so why shouldn’t they for people with mental illness. Honestly, I should feel free to share that I have bipolar disorder without having people think that it means I’m crazy. Furthermore, I shouldn’t have to own that lie, but here I am, pretending it doesn’t exist or calling myself crazy.

I am Tired of Comparing Myself to “Normal” People

What does that mean anyway? To be “normal.” The definition of normal is conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected. So I see that everyone should be the same, act the same, and do the same things the same way? Maybe I’m looking at it negatively, but it sounds like normal people are nowhere to be seen. Because no one is the same, no one is conformed to the same standards.

So why do we make ourselves feel less than just because of a mental illness? Bipolar disorder is my regular just because it isn’t yours doesn’t mean that you have the right to tell me that I am wrong, not to be trusted, or dangerous because of it.

Thankful

Today, I am thankful for modern medicine. It has helped me look at life a bit more clearly. God is more significant than all, but He created man to create a treatment to help. Never feel weak because you need medication to help you even things out. You are not weak! Honestly, you are brave and strong.

 

Depression, Guest Blogger, Medical Issues, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

From the Outside Looking

Barefoot Faith Journey

From the Outside Looking

From the Outside Looking

From the Outside Looking In {my family}

We were a happy family

{We} went to church

We spent time with other people

{We} went places together

 

But what you don’t see

Is the mother that can’t get out of bed

Or the stepfather that won’t help feed the kids

And the nine-year-old raising her younger brothers.

 

All that is seen is what they want you to see

Happy, healthy children

Children that spend time with other kids

And parents that provide the best they can

 

Truly my parents did try the best they could

But sometimes that’s not enough

Sometimes the best is not good or bad just an effort

On the days that everyone was happy

Everything was fine

 

But those days when the yelling was too hard to bear

Or the throwing of things was upsetting to hear

Those are the days that stick with children

 

Having a stepfather that could care less

Or can’t stand to look at you because you’re not his

Or maybe because of jealousy of the bond a mother has with her kids

 

That is hard

And then there are the days

When your mother can’t get out of bed

Because she has massive depression

Not that you understand because yet again you are nine

 

Those days are the days that are the hardest

Because you’re alone in the house

And in charge of the kids

Who are five and one

 

Don’t get me wrong I love those kids

And I would do anything for them still

But there is so much one child can do

And some things are just too much responsibility

 

And even though no one knew what was going on

Or maybe no one was observant enough to see

Either way, I choose to believe that it all happened for a reason

And I would still choose to help even though it took away my childhood

At least they got to keep theirs

 

Guest Blogger

To the Person That’s Been There Through it All

Barefoot Faith Journey

 

To the Person That’s Been There Through it All

To the Person That’s Been There Through it All

To the Person That’s Been There Through it All

Thank you

And thank you for caring

Thank you for sharing

And thank you for loving me

When I felt that no one ever could

 

Cared for Me When No One Else Could

You didn’t have to do any of those things

But for some odd reason, you did

You cared for me when no one else could

You shared with me to try to help me understand

And you loved me when I needed it the most

On top of all that you’ve treated me like your own

 

Helped Me Grow

You’ve helped me grow to understand who I am

And who to look to when I am in need

To search for Jesus first instead of the worst.

and to consider Him in mind with my choices first.

You’ve shown me what it feels like to be loved by choice

Not by obligation

 

I Love You

And I just wanted you to know that I thank you

And most importantly I love you.

 

Depression, Guest Blogger, Medical Issues, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

What Would Happen if She Found Out

Barefoot Faith Journey

In What Would Happen if She Found Out, my guest blogger talks about what would happen if the people she loved most knew the truth?

What Would Happen if She Found Out

What Would Happen if She Found Out

That I was more different than she had ever thought

That I was the one thing she couldn’t tolerate

 

Would she kick me out

Or would she hate me

Would she quit loving me

 

I would love to say no

But in reality, the answer is yes

Yes, she would do all three

 

Go To Hell

 

I’ve been told several times growing up that it’s wrong

If you think that way, you go to Hell

If you act that way, you go to Hell

 

So, of course, I didn’t want to admit that I am what I am

I didn’t want anyone to know my preference

Because I myself ignored it, hoping it would go away

 

Yet here I am at the age I am realizing really, for the first time

What I am and which people I like

And I’m worried about her reaction if she were ever to find out.

 

What I Have Been Told

 

Growing up, I’ve been told that she would rather DIE than have a child like me

Well, a child who likes a person of the same gender

I was told that she would rather stay in the dark than be told

 

So I’m going to respect her wishes

And not telling her

I’ll just let her die thinking she had at least one semi-normal child

Sure it’s a lie, but at least she’ll be happy

 

It’s the least I can do

She deserves to be happy

And I deserve to have a standing relationship

with at least one member of my family

 

The Trevor Project

Depression, Guest Blogger, Medical Issues, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

What is Normal

Barefoot Faith Journey

What is Normal

~What is normal and what is not normal?  My guest blogger tries to determine this for herself.~

What is Normal

I sit, and I wait, and I try to think about what I can do to make myself normal

Or at least more acceptable

I could hang out with some friends

Go watch some tv and sit and chat

 

But I have to make sure I stay on topics that wouldn’t make me lie to feel like I fit in

That I feel the way they do about everything

Or something more than others

So maybe not that

 

What Should I Do?

 

Maybe I could go on a date

Sign up for a dating app

Oh no, that could be trouble

What if my friends find out I’m looking at

So no, not that

 

Ok, so I know what’s safe

Just go to bed and get some rest

But then, when I go to bed, my mind won’t shut off

And I’m stuck with the thoughts that I’m trying to ignore.

 

When I get here

This is when it gets ugly

This is when the spiral goes down

This is when I try to hurt myself

 

Depression, Guest Blogger, Medical Issues, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

I Should Have Known

Barefoot Faith Journey

 

I Should Have Known

I Should Have Known

I should have known something wasn’t right

When you told me you loved me for the first time

And I didn’t say it back

 

I should have known something was up.

When I couldn’t stand the fact that you wrote me love letters

Or when you posted love stuff on social media

I mean, I didn’t even “like” the post

 

Not My Type

 

I should have realized much sooner

That you weren’t my type

way before I let it go as far as I did

You were not the problem; it was me

 

I was the one starting things trying to get you to leave first.

And I didn’t know why then, but I do now

I just wasn’t into the whole thing

 

I wasn’t into the wedding

Also, I wasn’t into fooling around

and I definitely wasn’t into having sex

 

What I Wanted

 

I just wanted to feel loved and wanted

You seemed to care and want me

So I tried to play along

 

I tried to compromise all of my feelings

To fulfill your needs

Give you what you wanted.

To support you in any and all ways that I could

 

Reality

 

But in reality, all I was doing was lying to myself

Lying to you

And lying to my family

 

Lying about why I felt that way

And lying about what I truly wanted

lying about my life

 

Hiding

 

All I wanted was to feel loved and accepted

that is why I didn’t end it sooner

that is why I didn’t confess that I didn’t truly have feelings

at least not romantic feelings.

 

I did it because I wanted to cover up what I already knew

And that I wasn’t ready, to tell the truth,

Which is I like girls

And there is nothing I can do to make people accept, so I hide

And think over the fact that I am different than the rest.

 

The Trevor Project

Depression, Guest Blogger, Medical Issues, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

The Healing Process

Barefoot Faith Journey

In the last part of my guest blogger’s piece, she talks about The Healing Process.  What she has gone through and how she came to peace.  God is so much bigger!

The Healing Process

Remembering Little Details of What Happened

 

Some people might think I am making this big deal of being cheated on by a boyfriend. Sadly, women get cheated on, which is typical in our society. But it’s different. And yet, I don’t think I forgave him, truly forgave him, until a few weeks ago when I attended church with my family and heard my Pastor’s sermon. I sent him a short and to-the-point message saying that I forgave him and would pray that his life would be abundantly blessed in everything he tried. That was hard for me to write. Especially considering that he might not have even read the message in the first place since he blocked me off everything. 

 

The Healing Process

 

But for me, that is part of the healing process. I don’t hate my ex. I choose to remember the good things about our relationship rather than focus on the bad stuff. I need to move forward and be patient enough to wait for God’s perfect man for me in the future. It could be a few days from now or possibly years from now. But I am choosing to be patient and wait for my lifelong partner. And I will continue to pray for him and that he finds his perfect partner. We might not have had the best relationship in the world, but he was still a part of my life, and I will never be rid of those good and bad memories. 

 

Advice

 

You have to choose yourself. You have to help those girls and women who have been cheated on by their significant other. Others are in those not-so-good relationships. If you see a red flag, then get out. Please don’t do what I did and settle for someone who is not your person. It is not worth the heartache and days of tears that will possibly be in your future. 

I might be young, and my experience might not have much meaning, but it is my life. I chose not to settle. And I like being single. Sure, it’s lonely sometimes, but you truly learn who you are and what your personality is like when you are by yourself. Love you. Take care of yourself. Don’t settle. He is not a monster, but he was not mine forever. 

And for the first time in a long time, I am okay with that.

 

Depression, Medical Issues, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

The Rest of my Story Let the Tears Flow

Barefoot Faith Journey

The Rest of my Story Let the Tears Flow

The Rest of my Story Let the Tears Flow

The Rest of my Story Let the Tears Flow. The flow for the pain these people went through. The pain that their family and loved ones have gone through. The lost time, confusion, hurt, and then that moment of despair.

Office Buddy

The man that I worked with was the life of the office. We shared our office space, and we had the most fun, hands down, of any other office. He introduced me to his lovely ‘female friend’ and her son, C. They were all so dang cute together. We all loved hanging out, and C had a bit of a crush on me. He was like 8, so it was pretty sweet. There was no surprise that they would get married soon after they met. Then along came baby B! Wow, what a transition.

My friend got another job in another town (close by). He wasn’t too far away, and so he commuted. His wife continued to work, and both boys began school. Life seemed to be good for them until the moment when I got the phone call.

Screams

The screams of my friend’s wife still bounce around in my head from time to time. I didn’t realize that my friend was struggling with mental illness because their family put on an excellent show. It turns out he couldn’t move forward and made a devastating choice for those who loved him. I will never forget the look on her face when she told me what happened. She was talking, but she wasn’t present. This is something you never get over. You always wonder what you could have done differently. The pain does not cease with time.

All In the Family

Here is another family that is close to my heart. Well, when I met this family, they were infectious. The dad was loud and in your face. Mom was loud and loved to talk and make friends. The kids were big. Loud. Boisterous. Kids. A blended and unique family that seemed to figure out how to make it work.

Again, from the outside, life looked awesome. Great job for him. Great job for her. Kids in college, school, military, money, lovely house. Then, you open the door to this beautiful home and see what is going on behind closed doors.

Silence, arguing, pain, grudges, fights, booze, meds, threats, screaming. There was one person of stability in the house, and he was fantastic. Sadly, the Lord called this person home. That’s when things started falling apart. The marriage was dwindling, and the kids were not doing what they needed to do. Then prescription drugs and alcohol began to play a factor.

Instability

When a parent is unstable, and children witness or deal with suicidal attempts or threats, it alters their minds forever. Sadly this is the case. Due to undiagnosed medical conditions, the struggle has been consciously breathing in and out every day. So, it is no surprise when one of her children followed her in her footsteps. Generational curses can be broken! Thankfully, everyone in this family is doing their best to take the next right step.

2 Families, Same Story

Drugs, alcohol, abuse, feelings of unworthiness, and depression plagued two boys. One was a young boy, not even a teen. The other was a young man with a brand new baby to love. In my eyes, both of these boys were loved, but in their eyes, they were not worthy of love. They were useless, and people would be better off without them. Knowing the people that saw what happened that day and ran to their rescue haunts me. I cannot even imagine seeing what they saw and the strength it took them to save these boys. The thankfulness that these, now men, are still alive does not leave my mind.

Yet, they are still struggling with the same things they did when they were younger. The boy of the story cannot work, drive, or do much of anything. He is confined to one space. How heartbreaking to wake up every day to the same thing day after day with no hope of getting out of that space.

The young man in the story is working and doing okay. Raising children and trying to do life in the best way he knows how. He copes with drugs and alcohol and still suffers from depression. I hope that these young men can see who they are in God’s eyes. They are loved beyond measure.

The Screams of a Mother

There is nothing quite like that phone call. This mom has given her life to raising her children in God’s light. She loves her children and has made enormous sacrifices for them. She has made decisions that no parent should have to make. Then, her young son does the unthinkable and succeeds. It was the most heart-wrenching thing I have ever heard. All I could do was pray for peace—her voice.

My Sweet Friend

I met this sweet friend at a place that helped my son. She had a kind smile and a loud laugh. Shortly after we met and became friends, she was diagnosed with cancer. She fought that battle and won. We missed seeing her every week, but it was safer to be home and not get sick. Treatments are hard on a body.

I was thrilled when I saw her walking toward me one day. She had her bandana on her head and a smile on her face. My son was so excited to see her, as well. Again, this woman I knew had some struggles, but for the most part, she “seemed” happy until she wasn’t.

Sigh, I can’t even begin. Articulate properly. Precious human. She is now at peace though missed here.

Then There was Leigh Ann

My loud, firecracker, sailor-mouthed friend. Fearless. Brilliant. Beautiful. All of the stories I told have taken a piece of my heart. Leigh Ann, however, has taken a chunk. Again, the horror of hearing her mama and the words coming out of her mouth. The useless feeling washed over me as I held her sweet son while he sobbed. Her daughter. Brother. Even her dog was mourning.

I have written about her before, and I will not discuss her life or death in this post. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her. Honestly, not a night goes by when I close my eyes and see her staring back at me. Her death was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I am not okay.

Parting Thoughts

I have dedicated this whole month to awareness and suicide prevention. I have posted myths and facts on my Facebook page, as well. Honestly, I have no idea how many people even read what I write, but it is healing for me. I heard this not long ago, this statement. If a person were in their right mind at that moment, they would never follow through with suicide. I say this because if they were in their right mind, they would think about the NEXT moment. For instance, who would find them? How would they live in or drive by the place where it occurred? What about their children? If they had them, what would they grow up knowing?

So many questions and so few answers.

Moments are fleeting, but the Truth of the Lord remains. Your life is worth more than all the rubies and gold in heaven. He created you in the image of His Son. Jesus loves you without abandon, and you have to do nothing to earn it. There is help, and there is hope. You are loved. Your life is worth living. Please think about that next moment after you imagine your “success.” Think about the other person who will find you and have to tell your loved ones.

Seek help. Medication. Therapy. Self-care.

Some of my friends survived, and too many were lost to suicide. I have put off writing this and posting this for a month and all day today. It is hard, and I know I will have bad dreams tonight. I am always trying to save everyone. You can save yourself by calling any of these resources to help you!

Resources

1.800.273.8255 Suicide Hotline

1.800.799.7233 National Domestic Violence Hotline

1.800.422.4453 Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline

1.866.488.7386 The Trevor Project LGBTQ? Hotline