Depression, Guest Blogger, Medical

I Am Broken

I Am Broken

I Am Broken

I am broken

And I am not normal

I am not who I want to be

 

Instead I am the one thing I have been raised to not be

The one thing that will make me lose people close to me

I am not who my parents expected me to be

Also, I am a disappointment in their eyes

I am a disappointment in my own eyes

 

Struggling

 

I know it is wrong

Sadly, I know its not meant to be that way

I have not chosen to feel this way

It just happened

 

I have actively fought it

Honestly, I would rather not acknowledge it than admit to it

I don’t want to talk about it

And I don’t want to act on it

 

Normal

 

All I want is to be normal

To be who I was meant to be

Not who I have become

By choice or not

 

I hate myself for my feelings

I would rather just ignore it

Than deal with it

 

I am not normal

Sadly, I am broken

I AM NOT OKAY.

But one day I will be.

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Depression, Guest Blogger, Medical

What Would Happen if She Found Out

In What Would Happen if She Found Out, my guest blogger talks about what would happen if the people she loved most knew the truth?

What Would Happen if She Found Out

What Would Happen if She Found Out

That I was more different than she had ever thought

That I was the one thing she couldn’t tolerate

 

Would she kick me out

Or would she hate me

Would she quite loving me

 

I would love to say no

But in reality the answer is yes

Yes she would do all three

 

Go To Hell

 

I ‘ve been told several times growing up that its wrong

If you think that way you go to Hell

If you act that way you go to Hell

 

So of course I didn’t want to admit that I am what I am

I didn’t want anyone to know my preference

Because I myself ignored it hoping it would go away

 

Yet here I am at the age I am realizing really for the first time

What I am and which people I like

And im worried about her reaction if she were ever to find out

 

What I Have Been Told

 

Growing up I’ve been told that she would rather DIE than have a child like me

Well a child who likes a person of the same gender

I was told that she would rather stay in the dark than be told

 

So I’m going to respect her wishes

And not telling her

Ill just let her die thinking she had at least one semi normal child

Sure it’s a lie but at least she’ll be happy

 

It ‘s the least I can do

She deserves to be happy

And I deserve to have a standing relationship

with at least one member of my family

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Depression, Guest Blogger, Medical

Normal

Normal

~What is normal and what is not normal?  My guest blogger tries to determine this for herself.~

Normal

I sit and I wait and I try to think about what I can do to make myself normal

Or at least more acceptable

I could hang out with some friends

Go watch some tv and sit and chat

 

But I have to make sure I stay on topics that wouldn’t make me lie to feel like I fit in

That I feel the way they do about everything

Or somethings more than others

So maybe not that

 

What Should I Do?

 

Maybe I could go on a date

Sign up for a dating app

Oh no that could be trouble

What if my friends find out I’m looking at

So no not that

 

Ok so I know whats safe

Just go to bed and get some rest

But then when I go to bed my mind won’t shut off

And I’m stuck with the thoughts that im trying to ignore

 

When I get here

This is when it gets ugly

This is when the spiral goes down

This is when I try to hurt myself

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Depression, Guest Blogger, Medical

I Should Have Known

I Should Have Known

I Should Have Known

I should have known something wasn’t right

When you told me you loved me for the first time

And I didn’t say it back

 

I should have known something was up

When I couldn’t stand the fact that you wrote me love letters

Or when you posted love stuff on social media

I mean I didn’t even “like” the post

 

Not My Type

 

I should have realized much sooner

That you weren’t my type

way before I let it go as far as I did

You were not the problem it was me

 

I was the one starting things trying to get you to leave first.

And I didn’t know why then but I do now

I just wasn’t into the whole thing

 

I wasn’t into the wedding

Also, I wasn’t into fooling around

and I definitely wasn’t into having sex

 

What I Wanted

 

I just wanted to feel loved and wanted

You seemed to care and want me

So I tried I tried to play along

 

I tried to compromise all of my feelings

To fulfill your needs

Give you what you wanted.

To support you in any and all ways that I could

 

Reality

 

But in reality all I was doing was lying to myself

Lying to you

And lying to my family

 

Lying about why I felt that way

And lying about what I truly wanted

lying about my life

 

Hiding

 

All I wanted was to feel loved and accepted

that is why I didn’t end it sooner

that is why I didn’t confess that I didn’t truly have feelings

at least not romantic feelings.

 

I did it because I wanted to cover up what I already knew

And that I wasn’t ready to tell the truth,

Which is I like girls

And there is nothing I can do to make people accept so I hide

And think over the fact that I am different than the rest.

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