Guest Blogger

Three Words I Can Say Could Make You Hate Me

Guest Blogger

In this piece, Three Words I Can Say Could Make You Hate Me, my guest blogger begins to outline her life when she was younger.  What a powerful voice she has, yet still too scared to let it out loudly.  Time and Jesus will cure that.  I’m so proud of her and all that she has been doing to heal.

Three Words I Can Say Could Make You Hate Me

 

A Born Fixer

Every since I was a little girl all I ever wanted to do was please you and to help you. All I have done my whole life is what you needed. You needed someone to bathe a kid, I did it, you needed someone to help feed a kid, I did it, you needed someone to complain to, that was me.

I grew up listening to everything wrong in your life, your husband or ex-husband drama, your “my kids hate me”, my kids are terrible, my kids don’t love me. Did you forget I was your kid too? Or am I just an ear to listen and a body to help work? You’ve definitely groomed me well for the job I would like to have one day. If anything I am a listener and I like to help others to the best of my ability. So at least there is a positive within all the negativity I have listened to and experienced during my life.

This Thing Called Life

My life has been a series of what does mom need me to do next? What does my youngest brother need? Or even what can I help another brother with? He may have had most of the attention from you growing up but that also meant that he got the attention from the men in your life too. So there was a lot of negative things going on in his life as well. As much as I don’t like him I do love him so I didn’t like to see him so upset.

You have complained to me so many times about so many different things that it makes me scared to share anything good or bad with you because I am afraid it will upset you. I feel like if I tell you some things you’ll stop caring, stop loving me. In fact somethings, I would rather just bottle up or ignore because I know that you wouldn’t approve or would hurt your feelings.

What About Me and My Feelings

Like sometimes I want to point out that I have feelings too and I’m tired of having only one-way conversations about you and your kids like I’m not one of them. I know you don’t mean anything by it towards me but it still hurts me. Especially when you say we are all unmotivated kids that’s don’t care about you. Maybe not in that order but they have both been said. I am motivated, I work, I’m trying to move out, I do love you. Stop putting us all together like we are all the same.

One day I would like to have a conversation with you about me. About my life, and about things that I am learning about myself. Like I remembered what it was like to be motivated to finish something. Sure it’s just a sweater but to me, that is an accomplishment. To be able to wear something that I made. Just because it’s not interesting to you doesn’t mean it’s not important.

My Dreams

The same with schooling, just because it’s not what you want me to do doesn’t mean that it’s not something I can do. I want to work in the psychology field with kids. But that’s not good enough for you. You want me to be able to support myself and I get that but why can’t you support me in my decision on what I want to do it just might take me a while to get there.

The Truth About My Engagement

I would love to be able to sit down and talk with you about why I truly didn’t get married. How it was a lie to begin with sure it wasn’t intentional but a lie nonetheless. I would like to tell you that I have recently learned that I am not interested in men but more confused than anything. I’d like to have your support while I try to figure everything out all the way. But you’d disown me for that thought or try to shame me out of it.

I have listened to everything you have had to say about everything and everyone. I have supported you through good and bad decisions. In short, I have loved you and accepted you as you are. But you would not do the same for me I am sure. You would just hear the words and then you’d be done. Done with me and done with everything else because without me who will you talk to?

Three Words I Can Say Could Make You Hate Me

Without me who will help you when you’re down? Without me who will help pick up the pieces that are left and glue them back together when anger or sadness strikes?

I love you and I worry about you more than I worry about anything or anyone else. So me keeping this one thing from you. Keeping it under lock and key may hurt me but at least I know you’ll be okay. Cause I’ll still help you. The sad thing is there’s not anything you could do to make me stop loving you but just three could make you hate me.

Thankful

Today, I am thankful for the bravery of this young lady.  She certainly has powerful emotion behind her words.  Also, she is using them to help her sort through the muddy water.  She is loved and a treasure.  May she be blessed in her courage and continue to speak for those who do not have a voice.

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I Am Who I Am

I Am Who I Am

I Am Who I Am

Being who I mean that I do not have many friends.  It is hard for me to open up to other people, because of how often I have been used.  Also for being backstabbed by these so-called “friends”. My circle of friends is very small due to this issue I have had in the past.

I have maybe 4 close friends who actually care about me and my well-being. I would do anything for them.  Honestly, I am loyal to the end. It is hard for me to let go.  Especially when potential long-lasting friendships end. I also tend to take on my friends’ problems.  Sadly, I claim that I am the cause of their issues.  I will just as easily take the blame for everything rather than have them take the blame.

This One “Friend”

This one “friend” is currently my co-worker and unfortunately my neighbor. The first nightshift we worked together we instantly clicked.  We became comfortable with each other which is incredibly rare for me. As the days led on we continued to text constantly about work and life.  We would hang out at my place and watch movies on our days off. His friends and family became comfortable with me as well as we continued to hang out.  Working together was a blast since we got along together and the kids enjoyed it when we both worked on the same day.

Tragic Event

He was always there for me when I needed him. There was a huge party at the apartment where I used to live.  There were easily at least 200+ party-goers.  This definitely goes against the contract of the apartment complex. Unfortunately, the party got out of hand.  There was a tragic event that turned the party into a nightmare.

My anxiety was at an all-time high and I needed to get out of there, my friend came to rescue me as quickly as he could. He was so understanding and was there to help distract me from this event. My friend even insisted that I did not return to my apartment until things calmed down and the police finished their investigations.

Maude My Orphan Kitty

My friend was also supportive of me when my little orphan kitten died that I was trying to bottle feed after her mom rejected her. I stayed up late nights and took that little kitten with me literally everywhere, we eventually had a routine and I was so proud of the way she was progressing.  I do not do well when animals die, especially if I am the one dedicated to their health and well-being. The little baby passed away and I was heartbroken, my friend was with me and he took the kitten and buried her for me since I could not do it myself.

I Told Him Everything

We did not have secrets and we knew each other pretty well. He was concerned for my mental health and physical health since the job profession we work in is extremely taxing for someone with mental health issues. I was grateful to have someone to talk to that has some of the same problems that I struggle with on a daily basis. This person was the true definition of a real best friend, or so I thought.

We did not date even though he admitted having feelings for me that I just could not reciprocate for personal reasons. But we remained best friends for a long time, that is until his current girlfriend came back into his life. They had dated once before in the past. I was supportive. I still wanted to hang out with him and I also wanted to get to know his girlfriend because I was trying to be supportive of their relationship.

All of a Sudden

He stopped talking to me and he did not text or call me at all. I had no clue what I did wrong to make him not talk to me because we spent almost every day together. Things just got worse from that point, I tried to talk to him but he refused to acknowledge my existence and futile attempts to get him to speak to me.

I admitted to him that I was jealous that he spent every day with his new girlfriend and the fact that she moved in with him only two weeks after them dating. Not jealous in the love sort of way but jealous that my best friend put all of his attention on just his girlfriend and nobody else.

Then One Night

One night I was walking my dog and he was outside on his back patio with his sister and girlfriend. I did not say a single word to him. He shouted from his yard that he needed to say something to me and he let me have it. He told me never to talk to his friends or family again and that if I had something to say I should say it to his face.

Instantly I got defensive and shouted back an obscene comment while rushing back to my own apartment. Granted, I should have handled that situation with better decorum but I was not prepared for that verbal attack. He would text me nasty things and his girlfriend even got in on the action and told me to stop talking to her boyfriend or things would get bad for me. I did not know how to handle this situation at all so I just ignored him.

My Depression and Anxiety

My depression was through the roof and my anxiety about the whole scenario kept my mind running in 20 different directions. He drunk dialed me one night and I just broke down and told him everything that I was feeling and how betrayed I felt about the whole situation. He blamed me for his drinking and dipping problem and he told me that I am the one that caused drama between him and his friends and family.  Being the person that I am, I claimed his problems as my own. I honestly started to believe that our entire friendship had been some sort of one-way street and that I caused all of his problems.

Eventually

After we were mature and decided to end our silly feud, when we would work together, he started talking to me more and we kind of fell back into our usual best friend ways. He said that his girlfriend did not like me and she did not like the fact that we would hang out all the time and text each other constantly. I told him that if she was threatened by me trying to “break up their relationship” that I could never ever do that to someone. I’m not that kind of person. And I reiterated the fact that I will still support him and care about him because he played a part in my life whether I wanted it to happen or not.

I Missed my Best Friend

Honestly, I told him that I missed my best friend, and I truly did. I missed the days we would hang out together and just be goofy and have fun with our two dogs. The thing is, is that I hold onto the people that come in my life.  I try to make any situation better by offering to help however I could at the time. My friend kept in contact with me but we never actually hung out except when we were working together at the boy’s house. He fell into a bad depressive state and I tried my best to be there for him since I know how rough it can be when you get in that depressive state.

One Random Night

His girlfriend added me on Snapchat and sent me a message. I dreaded opening it because I hate confrontation. We talked for a good long time and we were okay, I explained that I did not have feelings for him other than feelings of being a best friend, and that I was not trying to break up their relationship.  I called my friend and told him what she said and how everything was good between us again. Everything was fine for the next two weeks.

Enter My Mom

One day my mom came over to visit me and she wanted to introduce herself to my boys and my friend since I had already told her about him. All she did was shake his hand and introduce herself. Two days later, I got the most hateful message from him early in the morning. He accused me and my mom of trying to start drama and that she came over to his house unannounced. I was confused and hurt by all the hateful things that were sent to me.

Horribly Bullying

He called me a crazy psycho manipulative bitch and that he never wanted to see my face ever again. We were NEVER friends were the exact words that were texted to me.  That was along with some other things I will not mention. I was at work at the time so I had to excuse myself to go to the bathroom to cry and then compose myself best I could. My hands were shaking and I could feel my blood pressure rising with each nasty message. I was confused, hurt, betrayed, and I seriously started to believe all of the things he was saying to me.

Is This a Joke?

I honestly thought at first that it was a joke.  That it really wasn’t him because my best friend would never say things like that to me. I profusely apologized even though I did nothing wrong, but he did not believe me. He said that I am not innocent and that I think that I never do anything wrong. I allowed myself to be sad for a little while.  Then I had to get over it and finish out my shift so I could go home. Why?

Seriously, Why me?

Why do I always end up getting into situations with people that betray me and my trust? I love fiercely and I am loyal to the end. I would never do anything to hurt my friend. But he hurt me. He hurt me so badly that I felt like my chest would rip open. I was miserable for the next week or two. His friends would always come at me.  They would send me nasty messages.  I just took it all on my shoulders like I usually do.

I really need to stop doing things like that

And that doesn’t make me a bad person. I am allowed to have feelings.  To be sad and mourn my best friend who I managed to alienate in my life somehow. After I attended a church sermon one day, my pastor said something that resonated within me.  It probed me to remember how badly he hurt me. He said that even though someone might have done us wrong, we need to forgive.  Also, pray that God will bless their lives abundantly.

I started to cry thinking about all my past friendships that crashed and burned for whatever reason it was at the time. Then, I sent every single one of my so-called “friends” a message.  It was a ‘to the point’ message which said exactly what I wanted to say. I did this in a kind and Christ-Like manner. I do not know if any of my friends even read that message.  At least I sent it to them and forgave them.

Message to my “Friend”

I still see my neighbor around and I also see him at work. Today, I will choose kindness.  Also, I will choose to still love (as a friend).  Furthermore, I will care about him even though it is hard. I will choose to make friends if God brings them into my life. Also, I will still love fiercely and be loyal to them no matter what comes my way.

And to my friend, even though he says we are not friends, I hope that you have a fruitful life.  That you and your girlfriend are happy together. That is all I ever wanted for you. I want you to be happy and successful. Even if that means our friendship is at an end. That’s okay. I will be okay. Because my heart belongs to God and I believe in his everlasting love for me.

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To the Person That’s Been There Through it All

To the Person That’s Been There Through it All

To the Person That’s Been There Through it All

To the Person That’s Been There Through it All

Thank you

And thank you for caring

Thank you for sharing

And thank you for loving me

When I felt that no one ever could

 

Cared for Me When No One Else Could

You didn’t have to do any of those things

But for some odd reason, you did

You cared for me when no one else could

You shared with me to try to help me understand

And you loved me when I needed it the most

On top of all that you’ve treated me like your own

 

Helped Me Grow

You’ve helped me grow to understand who I am

And who to look to when I am in need

To search for Jesus first instead of the worst.

and to consider Him in mind with my choices first.

You’ve shown me what it feels like to be loved by choice

Not by obligation

 

I Love You

And I just wanted you to know that I thank you

And most importantly I love you.

Feelings of Emotion

I have all the feels when I read this.  My heart loves this girl as if she were my own.  I also love her mother, tremendously.  Though the waters are muddy in some areas of their relationship, it is beginning to clear up.  For that knowledge, I am thankful to God.  Their love for one another is so evident.

 

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I Am Broken

I Am Broken

I Am Broken

I am broken

And I am not normal

I am not who I want to be

 

Instead, I am the one thing I have been raised to not be

The one thing that will make me lose people close to me

I am not who my parents expected me to be

Also, I am a disappointment in their eyes

I am a disappointment in my own eyes

 

Struggling

 

I know it is wrong

Sadly, I know its not meant to be that way

I have not chosen to feel this way

It just happened

 

I have actively fought it

Honestly, I would rather not acknowledge it than admit to it

I don’t want to talk about it

And I don’t want to act on it

 

Normal

 

All I want is to be normal

To be who I was meant to be

Not who I have become

By choice or not

 

I hate myself for my feelings

I would rather just ignore it

Then deal with it

 

I am not normal

Sadly, I am broken

I AM NOT OKAY.

But one day I will be.

What God Says

God says He loves us.  He sent His son to die on the cross for us.  When we come to Christ, He throws our sins as far as the East is from the West.  Also, He says that Satan is the Prince of the Earth.  He comes to steal, kill, and destroy us all.  We have free-will and it is a giant butthole.  God will not supersede free-will, though He can at any moment.  He loves us and that is enough!

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What Would Happen if She Found Out

In What Would Happen if She Found Out, my guest blogger talks about what would happen if the people she loved most knew the truth?

What Would Happen if She Found Out

What Would Happen if She Found Out

That I was more different than she had ever thought

That I was the one thing she couldn’t tolerate

 

Would she kick me out

Or would she hate me

Would she quit loving me

 

I would love to say no

But in reality, the answer is yes

Yes she would do all three

 

Go To Hell

 

I‘ve been told several times growing up that it’s wrong

If you think that way you go to Hell

If you act that way you go to Hell

 

So of course I didn’t want to admit that I am what I am

I didn’t want anyone to know my preference

Because I myself ignored it hoping it would go away

 

Yet here I am at the age I am realizing really for the first time

What I am and which people I like

And I’m worried about her reaction if she were ever to find out

 

What I Have Been Told

 

Growing up I’ve been told that she would rather DIE than have a child like me

Well a child who likes a person of the same gender

I was told that she would rather stay in the dark than be told

 

So I’m going to respect her wishes

And not telling her

I’ll just let her die thinking she had at least one semi-normal child

Sure it’s a lie but at least she’ll be happy

 

It‘s the least I can do

She deserves to be happy

And I deserve to have a standing relationship

with at least one member of my family

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What is Normal

What is Normal

~What is normal and what is not normal?  My guest blogger tries to determine this for herself.~

What is Normal

I sit and I wait and I try to think about what I can do to make myself normal

Or at least more acceptable

I could hang out with some friends

Go watch some tv and sit and chat

 

But I have to make sure I stay on topics that wouldn’t make me lie to feel like I fit in

That I feel the way they do about everything

Or something more than others

So maybe not that

 

What Should I Do?

 

Maybe I could go on a date

Sign up for a dating app

Oh no that could be trouble

What if my friends find out I’m looking at

So no not that

 

Ok so I know what’s safe

Just go to bed and get some rest

But then when I go to bed my mind won’t shut off

And I’m stuck with the thoughts that im trying to ignore

 

When I get here

This is when it gets ugly

This is when the spiral goes down

This is when I try to hurt myself

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I Should Have Known

I Should Have Known

I Should Have Known

I should have known something wasn’t right

When you told me you loved me for the first time

And I didn’t say it back

 

I should have known something was up

When I couldn’t stand the fact that you wrote me love letters

Or when you posted love stuff on social media

I mean I didn’t even “like” the post

 

Not My Type

 

I should have realized much sooner

That you weren’t my type

way before I let it go as far as I did

You were not the problem it was me

 

I was the one starting things trying to get you to leave first.

And I didn’t know why then but I do now

I just wasn’t into the whole thing

 

I wasn’t into the wedding

Also, I wasn’t into fooling around

and I definitely wasn’t into having sex

 

What I Wanted

 

I just wanted to feel loved and wanted

You seemed to care and want me

So I tried to play along

 

I tried to compromise all of my feelings

To fulfill your needs

Give you what you wanted.

To support you in any and all ways that I could

 

Reality

 

But in reality, all I was doing was lying to myself

Lying to you

And lying to my family

 

Lying about why I felt that way

And lying about what I truly wanted

lying about my life

 

Hiding

 

All I wanted was to feel loved and accepted

that is why I didn’t end it sooner

that is why I didn’t confess that I didn’t truly have feelings

at least not romantic feelings.

 

I did it because I wanted to cover up what I already knew

And that I wasn’t ready, to tell the truth,

Which is I like girls

And there is nothing I can do to make people accept so I hide

And think over the fact that I am different than the rest.

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Misery Loves Company

Misery Loves Company

Misery Loves Company

Misery loves company they say

But is it the misery the person wants to share

Or are they looking to someone for help?

But instead, bring them down too

 

Is the misery more infectious than the need for help?

Or does the person just not want it enough

Personally, I think I would rather suffer alone

Then to bring a friend down with me

 

I don’t want my friends and family to feel like this

I wouldn’t want anyone to feel like this

Like the whole world is sitting on my shoulders

just waiting for them to make the wrong move.

 

Just Waiting

Waiting for them to slip

Waiting for them to pull someone in

Waiting for them to not be alone

So they will share the misery

 

I don’t want to be infectious with hate

I don’t want to put bad things in peoples mind

I’d much rather put in light and love

 

But where can I start

To get back to that person

That everyone loved to be around

The person that was infectious to laughter

The person that loved others and at least liked herself

 

I guess I should start at the beginning again

And try to learn a new way of dealing with my sin

Instead of storing it away and letting it fester

I need to let it go and pray that it will work out in the end

 

Because I’d much rather love myself and help others

Then hate myself and essentially drown them

I don’t want to feed them the lies that I believe

That I’m not good enough

That I’m not worthy

 

Because we are good enough

We are all worthy of love

And not the misery.

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