Tag: love and acceptance

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Three Words I Can Say Could Make You Hate Me

Brandi C

Three Words I Can Say Could Make You Hate Me

Guest Blogger

In this piece, Three Words I Can Say Could Make You Hate Me, my guest blogger begins to outline her life when she was younger. She has a powerful voice yet is still too scared to let it out loudly. Time and Jesus will cure that. I’m so proud of her and all she has been doing to heal.

A Born Fixer

Ever since I was a little girl, all I wanted to do was please and helped you. All I have done my whole life is what you need. You needed someone to bathe a kid. I did it. You needed someone to help feed a kid. I did it. You needed someone to complain to, and that was me. 

I grew up listening to everything wrong in your life, your husband or ex-husband’s drama, your “my kids hate me,” my kids are terrible, and my kids don’t love me. Did you forget I was your kid too? Or am I just an ear to listen and a body to help work? You’ve groomed me well for the job I would like to have one day. If anything, I am a listener and want to help others to the best of my ability. So at least there is a positive within all the negativity. I have listened to and experienced this during my life.

This Thing Called Life

My life has been a series of what mom needs me to do next? What does my youngest brother need? Or even what can I help another brother with that day? He may have had most of your attention growing up, but that also meant that he got the attention of the men in your life. So many negative things were going on in his life as well. As much as I don’t like him, I do love him, so I didn’t want to see him so upset. 

You have complained to me so many times about so many different things that it makes me scared to share anything good or bad with you because I am afraid it will upset you. If I tell you some things, you’ll stop caring, stop loving me. Instead, I would bottle up or ignore it because I know you wouldn’t approve of or hurt your feelings.

What About Me and My Feelings

Like sometimes, I want to point out that I have feelings, too, and I’m tired of having only one-way conversations about you and your kids like I’m not one of them. I know you don’t mean anything by it towards me, but it still hurts me. Especially when you say we are all unmotivated kids, that’s don’t care about you. Maybe not in that order, but they have both been said. I am motivated. I work. I’m trying to move out. I do love you. Stop putting us all together like we are all the same. 

One day I would like to have a conversation with you about my life and the things I am learning about myself. Like I remembered what it was like to be motivated to finish something. Sure, it’s just a sweater, but that is an accomplishment to me. To be able to wear something that I made. Just because it’s not interesting to you doesn’t mean it’s not essential.

My Dreams

The same with schooling; just because it’s not what you want me to do doesn’t mean that it’s not something I can do. I want to work in the psychology field with kids. But that’s not good enough for you. You want me to be able to support myself, and I get that, but why can’t you help me in my decision on what I want to do? It just might take me a while to get there.

The Truth About My Engagement

I would love to sit down and talk with you about why I truly didn’t get married. How it was a lie, to begin with, sure it wasn’t intentional, but a lie nonetheless. I want to tell you that I have recently learned that I am not interested in men but more confused than anything. I’d like to have your support while I try to figure everything out all the way. But you’d disown me for that thought or try to shame me out of it. 

I have listened to everything you have had to say about everything and everyone. I have supported you through good and bad decisions. In short, I have loved you and accepted you as you are. But you would not do the same for me, I am sure. You would hear the words, and then you’d be done. Done with me and done with everything else because without me, who will you talk to?

Three Words I Can Say Could Make You Hate Me

Without me, who will help you when you’re down? Without me, who will help pick up the pieces left and glue them back together when anger or sadness strikes?

I love you, and I worry about you more than anything or anyone else. So me keeping this one thing from you. Keeping it under lock and key may hurt me, but at least I know you’ll be okay. Cause I’ll still help you. The sad thing is there’s nothing you can do to make me stop loving you, but just three could make you hate me.

Thankful

Today, I am thankful for the bravery of this young lady. She certainly has powerful emotion behind her words. Also, she is using them to help her sort through the muddy water. She is loved and a treasure. May she be blessed in her courage and continue to speak for those who do not have a voice.

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Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Hurt People Hurt People

Brandi C

Hurt People Hurt People

Hurt People Hurt People

A phrase my mom has always said is Hurt People Hurt People. That is an accurate phrase. I always thought that I was your favorite person. You would make time to come down and see me. You brought me books and movies. We would go to the movies and have the best time ever. It meant everything to me that we had a good relationship. But all that changed, now you can barely say two words to me. Now you won’t even make eye contact with me most of the time. And to be honest, it is hard for me to talk to you because I don’t know what to say. 

 

Life After Death

 

After my cousin died, I was hurt so much after realizing that he may not be in heaven where I desperately wanted him to be. After him leaving so suddenly and I never got the chance to say goodbye, it was hard on me. Because I loved him and wanted to know I would see him again. And I loved you so much that I wanted to know that if you left suddenly, I would see you again. 

 

Blaming Myself

 

Do you know my mom would not even let me read the letter you sent back to me? Because she knew it would hurt me if I read it. It was easier for me not to have to read it. I blamed myself for ruining our relationship. But now, I think it was more on you than on me. I was coming from a place of love but sadness and hurt. I didn’t understand why you didn’t believe the way that I did. I had no idea you would react the way you did. 

 

You Stopped 

 

You stopped writing to me. Also, you stopped all communication. You just stopped. That was hurtful to me. I looked up to you. I wanted to come to stay with you and wanted to be like you. I admired you for being as successful as you were. I understand now that what I said may have offended you, but I was a child and didn’t understand how it would offend you at the time. 

 

Ensured Salvation

 

In my mind, I wanted to ensure that I would see you again. I wouldn’t have to know that you would be in the next life and not in a bad place. I was hurting so much, and I was only a child. How was I supposed to know that one email would change our relationship forever? 

 

I think our Aunt blames me for our relationship not being where it used to be. I can see it on her face. I can feel it in her energy. But I know this was not my fault. My intentions were not of malice. You sent very hurtful letters back to me. It was not my intent to hurt you. Ever. 

 

Now, I Understand

 

I have gone through a tough time since then. I have suffered much, and you have no idea. And I so desperately wanted you to love and accept me like I love and accept you now. I feel guilty because I didn’t mean to hurt you. I would never intentionally hurt you in any way. I would hope you felt the same way about me. I do not judge your lifestyle. I am not a child anymore. I now understand how offensive some statements can be, and I choose not to make those statements. 

 

I love you. I want you to love me too.