Emotions Are Signals, Not Commands

Glowing check engine light on a car dashboard

When the check engine light comes on in your truck, there are a couple of wrong ways to handle it. You can put a piece of electrical tape over it and keep driving until the engine falls out on the interstate. In my case, you can panic, swerve off the road, and park in a pond. The right way is pretty boring. You notice it, you pull over when it’s safe, and you find out what it’s trying to tell you.

Your emotions work a lot like that light. They’re signals. Your emotions, however, are not commands.

What your feelings are trying to tell you

Every feeling carries some kind of message. It’s not always a perfectly accurate message but it’s worth listening to.

Fear says there might be danger, so pay attention.
Anger says a line got crossed, or something isn’t fair.
Sadness says you’ve lost something that mattered.
Guilt says you may have acted against your own values.
Loneliness says you need connection.
Joy says this is good, so let’s have more of it.

When you treat a feeling as a signal, the question changes from “How do I make this stop?” to “What is this telling me?” That’s a much more useful question.

The urge is not the action

Here’s where people get tangled up. Every emotion comes packaged with an urge. An urge is a pull toward doing something. Fear pulls you to run or avoid. Anger pulls you to attack or push back. Sadness wants you to pull the covers up and stay put. Shame makes you want to hide.

The urge feels like an order. It isn’t. You can feel the full strength of the urge and still choose a different action. That gap between the urge and what you actually do is one of the most important places in your whole life. It’s where most of this series lives.

Check the facts

Dr. Marsha Linehan, who developed dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), teaches a skill called checking the facts. When a strong emotion shows up, you ask yourself: does this feeling, and how big it is, fit what’s actually happening?

If it does fit, you listen to the message and act on it wisely. Say you’re angry because somebody really did treat you unfairly. The anger is doing its job. Now, the wise move might be setting a boundary or speaking up clearly.

If it doesn’t fit, DBT teaches a skill called opposite action. You do the opposite of what the urge wants. If guilty (sometimes mistaken as shame) is telling you to hide but you haven’t done anything wrong, you show up anyway. If fear is telling you to avoid something that’s actually safe, you take a step toward it.

A real-life example

Let’s say you’re anxious about a doctor’s appointment. The signal says this matters to you and you’re worried about what you’ll hear. The urge says cancel it and don’t think about it. A wise action might be keeping the appointment and asking a friend to go with you.

Did you listen to the fear? Yes. You didn’t ignore it. That is important. You heard the message (this matters, I’m scared) and you took care of yourself. You just didn’t let it make the call.

Be angry, and do not sin

Ephesians 4:26 says, “‘Be angry, and do not sin’: do not let the sun go down on your wrath.”

Paul doesn’t say never be angry. He takes for granted that you will be, and that sometimes you should be. Anger is a signal God built into you, and it can point straight at injustice. What Paul is careful about is what you do next. The feeling is allowed. The action is where your choice comes in.

That’s true for every emotion you’ve got.

Questions to sit with

Which emotion do you tend to treat like a command?
What does that emotion’s urge usually push you to do?
Think of a recent strong feeling. What was its message, underneath the urge?

One small step

The next time a strong feeling shows up this week, jot down three quick lines on your phone or a scrap of paper:

Message: What is this feeling trying to tell me?

Urge: What does it want me to do?

Wise action: What do I actually want to do, knowing what I know?

You don’t have to get it perfect. You’re just practicing pulling over to read the light.

Let’s walk this together

If your feelings have been giving the orders for a long time, I’d be glad to help you learn to read the signals instead. I see individuals, couples, families, and teens at Circle of Hope Counseling Services, in person in Paducah and by telehealth anywhere in Kentucky.

This post is for education and encouragement. It isn’t therapy, and it doesn’t replace care from a licensed professional who knows your story. If you’re in crisis or having thoughts of suicide, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any time, day or night. If you’re in immediate danger, call 911.

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