Tag: poetry

Adoption

Welcome to Holland

Brandi C

Welcome to Holland

Welcome to Holland is a poem that I have always loved.  It is a different way to look at things when life does not go as planned.  We have dealt with Dyslexia, learning disabilities, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, Reactive Attachment Disorder, Sensorineural Hearing Loss, Generalized Epilepsy, Functional Neurological Disorder, and Opsoclonus Myoclonus Syndrome.

WELCOME TO HOLLAND

by
Emily Perl Kingsley.

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this:

Planning a Trip to Italy

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”

Discovering You are in Holland

“Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”

But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine, and disease. It’s just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…. and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills….and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy… and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But… if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things … about Holland.

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved.

 

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

The Dark Days

Brandi C

The Dark Days

In this piece, The Dark Days, my guest blogger describes what depression looks like for her.  Yet, she perseveres and powers on.

The Dark Days

I never know when they will come

Always lurking around the corner

Like a lion ready to pounce

They come without warning

When I wake, I feel it

The darkness closes in

And I welcome it

The darkness is familiar to me

Though it is full of sadness and hurt

Trauma and the like

Part 2

But I am not surprised

I know when the time has come

For another dark day to begin

Therapy helps

Medication helps

But the dark days are still around

Brought on by stress or pain

Or sometimes for no reason at all

Those days when all I want to do

Is lying in bed and hiding from the world

Part 3

I wonder what made me this way

Why do I have these dark days?

Sometimes I understand

Sometimes I don’t

I used to be told

You have everything

How can you have these dark days?

It’s all in your head

It isn’t real 

Then why do I feel this way?

Part 4

It’s not that I want to feel like this

I didn’t choose this life

I don’t choose the dark days

If I had to choose

I would choose light

Happy

Sunshine, rainbows

Sadly, they don’t come that often

Part 5

It isn’t my fault that I am this way

That the dark days chose me

I can’t help it

What I can do is try to mitigate the damage

Damage control 

I never know when the next dark day will come

But I can take my meds

I can go to therapy

I can talk to the few people I trust

Part 6

Maybe

Just maybe

The dark days will go away

I can hope

I can dream

But for now, the dark days are here

The dark days don’t define me

They are not who I am

I know who I am

I am confident in who I am

Part 7

But on those days, sometimes I forget

It is a talent those days have 

I don’t mean to forget, but sometimes I do

It’s like a fog over my mind

A dense, soupy fog

That distorts words

Distorts feelings

Emotions

And people 

Part 8

I have to be strong

{I} can’t let the bad days hold me

I can’t let myself down into that pit

The pit where I have spent many a night

The pit is where the darkness leads

The darkness can’t take me there

No more

No more

Part 9

So I will soldier on

Put on a brave face 

When the darkness comes 

Because the darkness can’t take me

Not now

Not ever

 

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Powerful Note to Self

Brandi C

This Powerful Note to Self is by a guest blogger working through some intense emotions and trauma. Remember, if you are a survivor of anything….it is NOT your fault! That can be hard to believe, especially if you struggle with implicit memories and cannot remember.

Implicit memories are memories that are from conception to three years of age. However, explicit memories are from the age of three until the present moment. Those are the memories that you can pull from and have validation. Implicit memories are ones you “feel.” They, to me, are harder to process and reconcile.

Sadly, any type of sexual abuse or molestation is devastating. It can take years to heal. Honestly, it may never heal this side of heaven. That is something that I’ve had to settle within myself to process things. My guest blogger is deep in the trenches. I am so proud of what she is doing to get help.

Powerful Note to Self

Powerful Note to Self

Note to self

This is not your fault

You are not the one who made the choice

All you did was follow a voice

A voice of someone you were supposed to trust.

Someone everyone else said you could trust

Not Your Fault

It’s not your fault

that you are scared to love

Or scared to be loved

{Or} that you are afraid to be touched.

Stating Truth

If anything it is his fault

He chose to hurt you

and He chose to betray your innocent trust

He chose to do the unthinkable

and steal the innocence that you shouldn’t have lost

Stop!

so stop blaming yourself for his mistakes

you were not and are not at fault.

You didn’t make those choices

So stop claiming it as yours

 

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

I Am Broken

Brandi C

 

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I Am Broken

I am broken

And I am not normal

I am not who I want to be

Instead, I am the one thing I have been raised to not be

The one thing that will make me lose people close to me

I am not who my parents expected me to be

Also, I am disappointed in their eyes

I am a disappointment in my own eyes

Struggling

I know it is wrong

Sadly, I know its not meant to be that way

I have not chosen to feel this way

It just happened

I have actively fought it

Honestly, I would rather not acknowledge it than admit to it

I don’t want to talk about it

And I don’t want to act on it

Normal

All I want is to be normal

To be who I was meant to be

Not who I have become

By choice or not

I hate myself for my feelings

I would rather just ignore it

Then deal with it

I am not normal

Sadly, I am broken

I AM NOT OKAY.

But one day I will be.

What God Says

God says He loves us.  He sent His son to die on the cross for us.  When we come to Christ, He throws our sins as far as the East is from the West.  Also, He says that Satan is the Prince of the Earth.  He comes to steal, kill, and destroy us all.  We have free will and it is a giant butthole.  God will not supersede free will, though He can at any moment.  He loves us and that is enough! This anonymous guest blogger shows such vulnerability and courage in writing and submitting this in order to help others.

The Trevor Project

 

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Depression is Gray and Black

Brandi C

Depression is Gray and Black

 

Depression is Gray and Black

 

Depression 

Is a dark and twisty place

It’s when your inner thoughts are gray and black

There is no light 

There is no white 

Just gray or black

The gray is sad but bearable thoughts

This is where you look back at what’s wrong

 grieving the way you handled it

Want to do something to change it but can’t

These thoughts I think are easier to voice 

To seek help.  Ask someone to hold you accountable

To try and continue your life 

Which is Worse?

The black well that is the worse 

The dark and the bleak 

These thoughts are much more dangerous

These are the thoughts that keep you imprisoned in your mind

Keep you in bed for days 

Give you the feelings of why even try?

These thoughts are almost impossible to voice 

The darker the thought the harder it gets to talk to people 

The harder it gets to seek help 

And the harder it is to continue anything in life

The In-Between

Somewhere between the gray and black, there is a turning point

From being sad to wanting to crawl under a rock and die

I’m not sure where the begins

I just know that’s where it ends.

But surely there is a way to continue life looking towards something 

Instead of looking back at the past 

If you can get there that’s when you can see a light

It starts off small almost like a dot

Finding the Dot

For me trying to find that dot is the hardest part 

Trying to find something worth looking for the dot.

But once I find it I plan on holding on to it.

Because the dot will eventually grow 

It will become the light that I seek. 

I just have to hold on a little longer. 

And keep looking ahead.

Related Posts

When the Silence is Deafening

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Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Misery Loves Company

Brandi C

Misery Loves Company

Misery Loves Company

Misery loves company they say

But is it the misery the person wants to share

Or are they looking to someone for help?

But instead, bring them down too

Is the misery more infectious than the need for help?

Or does the person just not want it enough

Personally, I think I would rather suffer alone

Then to bring a friend down with me

I don’t want my friends and family to feel like this

I wouldn’t want anyone to feel like this

Like the whole world is sitting on my shoulders

just waiting for them to make the wrong move.

Just Waiting

Waiting for them to slip

Waiting for them to pull someone in

Waiting for them to not be alone

So they will share the misery

I don’t want to be infectious with hate

I don’t want to put bad things in people’s mind

I’d much rather put in light and love

But where can I start

To get back to that person

That everyone loved to be around

The person that was infectious to laughter

The person that loved others and at least liked herself

I guess I should start at the beginning again

And try to learn a new way of dealing with my sin

Instead of storing it away and letting it fester

I need to let it go and pray that it will work out in the end

Because I’d much rather love myself and help others

Then hate myself and essentially drown them

I don’t want to feed them the lies that I believe

That I’m not good enough

That I’m not worthy

Because we are good enough

We are all worthy of love

And not the misery.

Related Posts

Everything is Gonna be Okay

Quotes

Backpacks By Lesle’ Honore’

Brandi C

Backpacks By Lesle’ Honore’. Gracious how this stabs my heart. I am reposting this from Facebook. A friend of mine, Megan. I have never read this before. My son and I are having conversations that address these topics. Yet, I include my caucasian kids in the conversation too. If one can’t wear a hoodie, then none wear a hoodie. It just is what it is.

People in this world will only see my son’s skin color. What a shame. How sad or traumatic of another human to judge my son based on something so trivial. The first thing I see when I look at him is his beautiful eyes and the smile that lights up a room!

Reality

We all need to realize Jesus was not a blonde hair, blue-eyed caucasian person. He was middle eastern with dark features and dark skin. Yet, we are all created in His image. It will be a day when we can all love one another!

 

Backpacks By Lesle’ Honore’

When black boys are born
We mothers kiss their faces
Twirl our fingers in their curls
Put them in carriers on our chest
Show them to the world
Our tiny black princes
And when they start school
As early as 3
We mothers
Place huge backpacks on their backs

And we slowly fill them with bricks

Etched with tools
Tattooed with truths
Hoping to save them
{Don’t} talk back
Don’t get angry
Say yes ma’am
Say no sir
Don’t fight
Even if they hit you first
Especially if they are white
Do your best
Better than best
Be still
Worker hardest

BRICK

they get a little older
And we add more
Keep your hands out of your pockets
Don’t look them in the eye
{Don’t} challenge
Don’t put your manhood before your life
Just get home safe
Don’t walk alone
{Don’t} walk with too many boys
Don’t walk towards police
{Don’t} walk away from police
Don’t buy candy or ice tea
{Don’t} put your hood up
I’ll drive you
{I’ll} pick you up
You can’t be free
Don’t go wandering
Come home to me

BRICK

They get a little older
And we add more
Understand you are a threat
Standing still
Breathing
Your degrees are not a shield
{Your} job is not a shield
Your salary makes you a target
{Your} car makes you a target
Your nice house in a nice neighborhood
Makes you a target
Don’t put your ego before your safety
{Don’t} talk back
Don’t look them in the eye
Get home to your wife
Your son

BRICK

They weigh them down.
This knowing
Of having to carry the load
Of their blackness
the world hasn’t changed
The straps just dig deeper into their skin
Their backs ache
But their souls don’t break
Our beautiful black men
When you say
#alllivesmatter
I simply ask
Will your son die with the world on his back
Mine will.

By: Lesle’ Honore’