emotional conflict Archives ~ Circle of Hope Counseling Services

I Should Have Known

I should have known something wasn’t right

When you told me you loved me for the first time

And I didn’t say it back

I should have known something was up.

When I couldn’t stand the fact that you wrote me love letters

Or when you posted love stuff on social media

I mean, I didn’t even “like” the post

Not My Type

I should have realized much sooner

That you weren’t my type

way before I let it go as far as I did

You were not the problem; it was me

I was the one starting things trying to get you to leave first.

And I didn’t know why then, but I do now

I just wasn’t into the whole thing

I wasn’t into the wedding

Also, I wasn’t into fooling around

and I definitely wasn’t into having sex

What I Wanted

I just wanted to feel loved and wanted

You seemed to care and want me

So I tried to play along

I tried to compromise all of my feelings

To fulfill your needs

Give you what you wanted.

To support you in any and all ways that I could

Reality

But in reality, all I was doing was lying to myself

Lying to you

And lying to my family

Lying about why I felt that way

And lying about what I truly wanted

lying about my life

Hiding

All I wanted was to feel loved and accepted

that is why I didn’t end it sooner

that is why I didn’t confess that I didn’t truly have feelings

at least not romantic feelings.

I did it because I wanted to cover up what I already knew

And that I wasn’t ready, to tell the truth,

Which is I like girls

And there is nothing I can do to make people accept, so I hide

And think over the fact that I am different than the rest.

The Trevor Project

Hurt People Hurt People

A phrase my mom has always said is Hurt People Hurt People. That is an accurate phrase. I always thought that I was your favorite person. You would make time to come down and see me. You brought me books and movies. We would go to the movies and have the best time ever. It meant everything to me that we had a good relationship. But all that changed, now you can barely say two words to me. Now you won’t even make eye contact with me most of the time. And to be honest, it is hard for me to talk to you because I don’t know what to say.

Life After Death

After my cousin died, I was hurt so much after realizing that he may not be in heaven where I desperately wanted him to be. After him leaving so suddenly and I never got the chance to say goodbye, it was hard on me. Because I loved him and wanted to know I would see him again. And I loved you so much that I wanted to know that if you left suddenly, I would see you again.

Blaming Myself

Do you know my mom would not even let me read the letter you sent back to me? Because she knew it would hurt me if I read it. It was easier for me not to have to read it. I blamed myself for ruining our relationship. But now, I think it was more on you than on me. I was coming from a place of love but sadness and hurt. I didn’t understand why you didn’t believe the way that I did. I had no idea you would react the way you did.

You Stopped

You stopped writing to me. Also, you stopped all communication. You just stopped. That was hurtful to me. I looked up to you. I wanted to come to stay with you and wanted to be like you. I admired you for being as successful as you were. I understand now that what I said may have offended you, but I was a child and didn’t understand how it would offend you at the time.

Ensured Salvation

In my mind, I wanted to ensure that I would see you again. I wouldn’t have to know that you would be in the next life and not in a bad place. I was hurting so much, and I was only a child. How was I supposed to know that one email would change our relationship forever?

I think our Aunt blames me for our relationship not being where it used to be. I can see it on her face. I can feel it in her energy. But I know this was not my fault. My intentions were not of malice. You sent very hurtful letters back to me. It was not my intent to hurt you. Ever.

Now, I Understand

I have gone through a tough time since then. I have suffered much, and you have no idea. And I so desperately wanted you to love and accept me like I love and accept you now. I feel guilty because I didn’t mean to hurt you. I would never intentionally hurt you in any way. I would hope you felt the same way about me. I do not judge your lifestyle. I am not a child anymore. I now understand how offensive some statements can be, and I choose not to make those statements.

I love you. I want you to love me too.

Tag: emotional conflict

I Should Have Known