Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Faith Journey

The Crimson Thread in Your Tapestry

The Crimson Thread in Your Tapestry

The Crimson Thread in Your Tapestry

The Crimson Thread in Your Tapestry

Over the course of life, there are moments when a crimson thread weaves itself into the beautiful tapestry that is being created. This thread represents the trials and struggles that seek to disrupt joy and peace. 1 Peter 5:8 reminds us to stay alert because challenges come in many forms, often attempting to shake faith and hope.

A wise person once shared that happiness is based on circumstances, but true joy comes from the Lord. As Psalm 30:5b states, “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” This perspective can transform how struggles are viewed—not as insurmountable obstacles, but as opportunities to lean into faith and trust.

The Battle Between Happiness and Joy

Understanding the difference between happiness and joy can bring clarity to difficult seasons. Happiness is fleeting and tied to external circumstances, while joy is rooted in the unchanging nature of God’s promises. Even in the darkest moments, joy remains available through faith, serving as an anchor in turbulent times.

Psalm 121:7-8 reassures, “The Lord keeps you from all harm and watches over your life. The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go both now and forever.” Even when circumstances seem overwhelming, He is present, protecting and guiding through the storm.

Holding On to Hope

Life brings unexpected challenges, and sometimes it feels as though the crimson thread is overpowering the tapestry. Yet, even in uncertainty, God is always working. The call to “hold on” is not just a suggestion but a lifeline. Romans 4:18-21 speaks of Abraham’s unwavering faith, reminding that hope is never in vain.

Encouragement often comes in unexpected ways—through Scripture, through others, or even through a simple yet profound message: “Hold on.” This message may be a direct reminder that faith and perseverance will lead to restoration and renewal.

The Unseen Hand at Work

Looking back on difficult seasons, it becomes evident that God was always present, weaving together a masterpiece from what once seemed broken. Job 38:11 states, “I said, ‘This far and no farther will you come. Here your proud waves must stop!’” There is comfort in knowing that no trial is beyond God’s control.

Though storms may rage and uncertainty may loom, the promise remains: “He will be very gracious to you at the sound of your cry; when He hears it, He will answer you” (Isaiah 30:19b). Ecclesiastes 3:11 reminds that “He has made everything beautiful in its time.” Trusting in His perfect timing brings peace, even when the full picture is not yet visible.

A Tapestry of Faith

Every struggle, every victory, every moment of doubt, and every renewal of faith contributes to the intricate design of life’s tapestry. No matter how overwhelming the crimson thread may seem, it is but one part of a much larger picture—one that God is crafting with love, purpose, and grace.

Faith reassures that even when the path is unclear, the One who holds the threads sees the masterpiece in its entirety. Trust in Him, hold on to hope, and find joy in the journey, knowing that He is always present, always faithful, and always good.

 

The Crimson Thread in Your Tapestry

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

📞 Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

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Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma

Believe in Yourself

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Believe in Yourself: You Are Stronger Than You Think

Believing in yourself isn’t always easy. Life has a way of throwing obstacles in your path, making you question your worth and abilities. Maybe you’ve been told you’re not good enough. Maybe past failures haunt you, whispering that you’ll never succeed. Or maybe the weight of the world has left you doubting your own strength.

But here’s the truth: You are capable. You are worthy. You are enough.

Self-doubt is a powerful enemy, but it doesn’t have to control you. Every person who has achieved something great started with uncertainty. They faced moments where they wanted to quit, where fear told them to stop. The difference? They kept going. They chose to believe, even when it felt impossible.

Believing in yourself doesn’t mean you’ll never fail. It means you trust that, even when you stumble, you can rise again. It means knowing that mistakes don’t define you—how you respond to them does. Growth comes from perseverance, from learning, from pushing forward when things feel uncertain.

You might not see your strength right now, but I promise you, it’s there. You’ve survived things you once thought would break you. You’ve overcome struggles that seemed impossible. That resilience? That’s proof of your power.

So, how do you start believing in yourself? Surround yourself with people who uplift you. Speak kindly to yourself. Set small goals and celebrate each victory. Learn from failures instead of letting them define you. Most importantly, give yourself the grace to grow.

If you’re waiting for permission to believe in yourself, here it is: You are worthy of confidence. You are capable of amazing things. The only thing standing between you and success is the belief that you can. So today, take one step forward. Trust yourself. You’ve got this. 💛

Reach Out

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

📞 Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

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Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma

Wrestling with the Darkness

nothing is impossible when you put one foot in front of the other and take a step. (5)

Wrestling with the Darkness: You Are Not Alone

Wrestling with the darkness can be exhausting, especially when you feel alone. The weight of it presses down, making it hard to breathe, hard to think, hard to believe that there is a way forward. You can be in a room full of people—people who love you, people who would do anything to help—but still feel an unexplainable loneliness that wraps around you like a thick fog. That isolation, even in the presence of others, can be suffocating.

And more times than not, that’s when the intrusive thoughts creep in. They don’t always arrive like a sudden storm; sometimes, they come as whispers, subtle at first, then louder, until they take up all the space in your mind. Sometimes, those thoughts are fleeting, passing like clouds. But other times, they settle in, and before you know it, you’ve started to build a tent for them in your head—giving them space to grow, to take root, to become something more dangerous.

If you’ve ever been there, I want you to hear this: You are not alone. I know it might feel like no one understands, like no one truly sees what you’re going through. But I promise you, there are people who care. There are people who will sit in the darkness with you, who will hold your hand, who will remind you that your story is far from over.

When the thoughts become too heavy to carry alone, please, reach out. It doesn’t make you weak. Honestly, it doesn’t mean you are a burden. It means you are human, and humans are not meant to suffer in silence. If you feel like you don’t have anyone in your immediate circle who you can trust, there is still help available. You can call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, where trained professionals will listen—truly listen—and help you find the light again.

The darkness lies to you. It tells you that you don’t matter, that you are not enough, that the pain will never end. But that is not the truth. The truth is that you are enough. You are worthy. Your presence in this world is meaningful. And even if right now you can’t see a way forward, I promise you—there is one. There is always one.

I know the fight is hard. I know the weight is unbearable at times. But please, don’t give up. Keep holding on. Your story is not done being written. There are still pages to turn, chapters to unfold, moments of joy that you haven’t even imagined yet. And someday, you will look back and be so glad that you stayed.

You are not alone, you are loved, and YOU matter. Please reach out. ❤️

Reach Out

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

📞 Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

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Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Faith Journey

I Did My Best, and God Did the Rest

@circle of hope counseling services (4)

I Did My Best, and God Did the Rest

There’s a deep peace that comes with knowing we are not in this alone. We show up, we try, we give it everything we have—but at the end of the day, we are only human. And that’s okay because God fills in the gaps where we fall short. At the end of my life, I want to say “I did my best, and God did the rest.”

Some days, our best doesn’t feel like enough. We carry burdens too heavy, face challenges too big, and battle thoughts that tell us we should be doing more. But the truth is, God never asked us to handle it all on our own. He asks us to trust Him.

When you’ve given all you can—when you’ve prayed, fought, endured, and still feel like you’re running on empty—know that God is still working. He sees what you’ve done. He knows your heart. And He is carrying you the rest of the way.

Maybe today, you feel like you’re falling short. Maybe you’re exhausted from trying to hold everything together. Take a deep breath and release it to God. Let Him take what you can’t carry.

Your best is all He asks for—not perfection, not endless striving, not doing it all alone. Just your best. And He will take care of the rest.

So, trust. Rest in His grace. Know that He is working in ways you can’t yet see. You are not failing, you are not alone, and you are deeply loved.

Do your best, and let God do the rest. 💛

Reach Out

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

📞 Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

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Faith Journey

Joy in the Morning

psalm 30 5 sorrow to joy devotional01 25 purple

 

Let’s just leave this right here. Joy in the morning. I highly encourage you to go to YouTube and listen to the song. It is worth it, and I listen to it almost daily. There is a reason and a season for everything under heaven. If we could all just grasp that knowledge, we could truly experience this feeling at any time of the day. I pray you find yours today! Let the lyrics speak to your heart, bringing peace, hope, and encouragement. Trust in His timing and grace! Even when we don’t think it is the right time, in our eyes, it is always perfect in His.

… Everything happens for a reasonBut you don’t know what you don’t know.And you’ll never have peace if you don’t let go of tomorrow.‘Cause it ain’t even faith ’til your plan falls apartBut you still choose to follow.If it doesn’t make sense right nowIt will when it’s over
… There will be joy in the morning
… Giving in to your feelingsIs like drowning in the shallowsOh, you got to keep believingEven in the middle of the unknown‘Cause grace will be there when you come to the end of your ropeAnd you let goIt may feel like you’re going down nowBut the story isn’t over, oh
… There will be joy in the morningThere will be joy in the morning, ayeIf it’s not good, then He’s not done
… There will be joy in the morning(Hold on, hold on ’til the morning) oh we believe, we believeThere will be joy in the morning(Hold on, hold on ’til the morning) oh, aye, wooIf it’s not good, then He’s not doneNo, He’s not done with it yet

Reach Out

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

📞 Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

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Everything is Gonna be Okay

Everything is Gonna be Okay

everything is gonna be ok

Ya know, Everything is Gonna be Okay. Romans 8:26-28 (MSG) says “Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.”

There are days when I don’t feel like everything is going to be okay. I feel like my life is going to implode and my actions will explode. I have to stop and tell myself that the Lord is not setting up, on his Heavenly throne, eating popcorn and biting His nails wondering what is going to happen next. He already knows. He sees it all. Knows it all and has a perfect provision in mind for ALL things. Trust. It’s hard but it is necessary in our walk with Christ. If I didn’t trust Him, I’d be running down the road, naked, screaming at the top of my lungs. (That last statement comes from my aka mom and she would tell us that when we were children.)

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

📞 Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

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He Leaves the 99

Adoption, Guest Blogger

Meet my Guest Blogger and Sister Tera

Meet my Guest Blogger and Sister Tera

Meet my Guest Blogger and Sister Tera

 

Do you ever step back and take a look at where the Lord has had your journey? Reflection is an amazing reminder of our sanctification process. Sanctification….the word I view with both dread and anticipation. It is God’s plan of growing us into the likeness of Christ. Sounds lofty, but what does it require? Sanctification requires stretching. I am not a fan of being stretched, but the Lord has stretched me over the last several years in ways that I would never have asked, but in ways that I would never trade.

Memories

Recently I took a look at the blog I kept during our adoption processes. We have six children, three of whom joined our family through adoption. These three were older when they joined our family and all came home with memories of their life in their home countries.

During the adoption process, my blogs consisted of all the typical thoughts and anxieties that a mother exhibits while waiting for her precious child to be in her arms. Nothing ever happened on my timetable. What was the Lord thinking? Didn’t He know that our child needed to be home? Also, didn’t He sense our pain in the waiting? Wait, didn’t He part the Red Sea? Wasn’t He capable of blasting through the Red Tape? I feel anxious typing all of that right now! So, as I re-read my entries I ran across this note that typifies what I pray the Lord has taught me and continues to teach me in my walk with Him. We were on our way home with our newest son.

Previous Blog Post

This week we have watched God’s hand guide every aspect of our journey. Lots of travel troubles, UGH. Through it all, when I would feel anxiety welling up in my heart, I would hear Him asking me, Do you trust me? Also, do you really mean all the things you say to everyone else? Do you trust me to work out circumstances according to My plan, not yours? Finally, do you recognize that you are not in control? Over and over, I know that He was and is telling me that in good or bad I must choose to trust that this journey is HIS.

This journey of my life is the one that He has planned and intended. I still get very anxious, wanting to control situations and people, but honestly….deep within my soul, I do trust Him. I may not like the plan, but I trust that He has it ALL worked out. I’m on a plane right now on our last leg home from bringing home our son. We are surprising the other kids with an early flight home.

Soon we will be the eight of us. Our sweet boy is sleeping peacefully. He fully trusts us as his parents. We know where he is going and we know what is in store on the other end of this plane ride.  There was a plan to bring him home. Everywhere we’ve led him, he has willingly gone with a smile on his face, handheld out to take ours. Fully trusting. May I be the same with my Heavenly Father who has the plan?

Encouraging Words

As your family journeys along in life, I ask you to trust Him with the plan. Recognize that He sees the view from above the plane. The full view. You only see out of your little window. How we react to our journey will show the world that we trust HIM and love HIM more than we trust and love our plan. Ask yourself what you desire more…the child to be added to your family, your children to be whole, relief from difficulties, or is your desire for a relationship with the ONE who made both you and your child?

Lean Into Him

Marriage. Parenting. Adoption. Life.  Complex, beautiful, hard.  Embrace the hard as God’s provision for your sanctification.  Growth is never easy. Cling to Him.

Isaiah 55:8-9 “The Lord says: ‘My thoughts and my ways are not like yours. Just as the heavens are higher than the earth, my thoughts and my ways are higher than yours.’ ”

 

Guest Blogger, Medical

Callie and Her Journey with Lyme

Callie and Her Journey with LymeCallie and Her Journey with Lyme

Meet and read about Callie and Her Journey with Lyme. I met her parents before she was ever a speck in their eyes. Our families were neighbors. Her mom, Lesley, and I were pregnant at the same time with the girls 🙂 It was lovely! Callie was born a couple of weeks before my daughter, V. We raised our big girls together. It has been a blessing to know this family for over 20 years. Please read the story that spurred my desire to have this Lyme Disease Series. 

I’m so proud of this young lady; her testimony is one that only God could orchestrate! If you have ANY questions, please feel free to email me at barefootfaithjourney@gmail.com, and I will personally put you in touch with Lesley, and she can share the details of how God chose an unconventional method to heal this sweet beauty of a crapola disease!

There’s No Suffering Without Glory

Callie Emerson

I’m sure if you’ve been keeping up with the Lyme series on Brandi’s blog up to this point, you know quite a bit of my story and a significant amount of information about Chronic Lyme Disease. So while my blog post is based on Lyme awareness and my battle with the disease, I’m hoping that the more incredible message will come across is that no suffering occurs in vain when it is for the glory of God.

Before I delve into all of the medical mess, I want to give a little background information to those reading this. I grew up in a Christian home, and at age seven, I knew that the Father dearly loved me, that I loved Him in return, and that I desperately wanted Jesus to rid me of my sin debt so I could spend my eternity with Him. I want to be clear that I came to know Jesus as my Savior long before I had any medical issues.

My journey with Chronic Lyme Disease

It began in sixth grade when I started to faint at completely random times. I eventually reached the point where I was fainting roughly ten times a day. My symptoms only continued to increase from there. At age 13, my knee pain was so severe that I received steroid shots in both knees and yes, shots in the knee are as awful as they sound.

As I proceeded into eighth grade, my back, shoulder, and neck pain began to develop. By the end of my eighth-grade year, my pain was so severe that I was physically incapable of opening my bottom locker. I relied on others to open my locker for me.

This following symptom, for me, is the hardest one to reflect upon. I began to experience what I now know to be “Lyme rage.” During this time, I was so unkind to my family and even to a couple of close friends. There is no exaggeration when I say that one of my family members could look at me, and I would begin to feel angry. My life was lived in a state of unjustified, uncontrollable anger.

Worst Part

The worst part is that I could feel myself getting angry, so I would try to assess why I was so mad, and even after I couldn’t find a single reason, I found myself unable to stop the anger from welling up inside of me. My family is a fantastic group of people for not only dealing with me during this time but continually showing me grace and love.

At this point, I was angry, sore, and dizzy. I continued, and my symptoms grew worse, and I continued to be given misdiagnoses and pills. Luckily I have an awesome mom who went above and beyond for four years, ignoring ten misinformed doctors to find the only Chronic Lyme Disease expert in the area. We saw this doctor sometime around my sophomore year of high school. I’m not sure if anyone picked up on this idea from my mom’s post, but

GOD’S TIMING IS PERFECT

Right before we discovered this doctor, I went to church camp. While I know, it’s super cheesy, going to camp allowed me a much-needed break from distractions and to learn what it meant to be a Christian. You probably think that you haven’t heard much about my walk with Christ until now, and you’re right. That’s because, at age seven, most of us aren’t dwelling in sin that requires us to make an extreme life change. I made no changes as the years passed, and my spiritual growth was stagnant.

Fortunately, attending camp allowed the Spirit to convict me while I wasn’t distracted by soccer, school, or being sick. I became aware that I behaved well and made good choices because I have strict parents, and that’s how they raised me to act, not because I was trying to live a life worthy of the gospel (Philippians 1:27).

My eyes were opened to what being a Christian entailed, and believing that He had a plan for my illness. Until then, when I asked, I would half-heartedly respond that God had a plan for it. After learning what it meant to follow and pursue Christ, I could finally fully grasp the concept that I was enduring this trial for a purpose.

God had a Plan for Me.

God blessed me by allowing me to understand that He had a plan for this illness right before I entered the most challenging time in my life. I can never communicate how gracious He is for doing so, enabling me to rely on Him wholly during this time. My physical difficulties began when I started taking some powerful oral antibiotics to fight off the Lyme. I reached the point where I was taking roughly 15 pills a day.

During Lyme treatment with antibiotics, your body can respond in weird ways, and often you have to go through phases of feeling worse before you can feel any better. I would wake up for school in the morning and be unable to sit up. I’m not exaggerating when I say I couldn’t move. There would be days that I would make it to school, but I would be sitting at my desk, and I would be in so much pain that I would be on the verge of tears or would be unable to hold my head up without using my hands because of how badly my neck hurt.

Because of how many pills I was taking and how potent the drugs were, I struggled to keep anything down. I threw up almost daily-which defeated the purpose of taking the medications. Because I couldn’t keep all the tablets down, my doctor decided to pursue a different route.

PICC Line Life

At this point in my life, I got two PICC lines. PICC lines are inserted into your arm and run through your vein, all the way to your heart. PICC lines allow IV medicine to be dropped directly into your heart. The PICC line is used because it can reach your entire body much faster. As much fun as this sounds, the whole process can become twice as great as my body begins responding to the medicine.

Random parts of my body would go numb, as much as one entire side of my body would lose all feeling. I would also start shaking uncontrollably. At this point, Lyme’s rage was taken over by random crying. I am completely serious when I say that I would be bawling, but telling my parents that I wasn’t sure why I was crying.

While switching to IV antibiotics prevented me from throwing up medicine, the antibiotics were still so strong that I continued to get sick regularly. During the rough times, I typically ran a fever of 103°F. The physical turmoil the antibiotics put me through left me overly weak. I had to sleep on an air mattress in our living room because it was too difficult for me to walk from my room to the bathroom. My mom even had to sleep next to me on the couch because it was unsafe for me to be left alone all night. Because of this, I missed 50 days of school from August to December of my senior year.

Patterns with My Body’s Response

During this time, we noticed a pattern in my body’s response to antibiotics. After about two weeks, I would become allergic and need to switch medicines. These allergies happened with roughly five different medications. Eventually, I ran out of possible drugs to use to treat Lyme. While contemplating our PICC line options, my PICC line got clogged.

For PICC line users, clogs, infections, and blood clots will force you to remove your line…so at the time, this clog was a big deal. We were able to go to the ER and have it unclogged. In hindsight, the clog was likely God’s kind way of telling me to take it out.

So naturally, my perception skills were not up to par, and I missed this, even after five failed medications and a clog. The night I got my PICC line unclogged, I got a blood clot. That blood clot sent me to the hospital for a week. The PICC line was removed. My mom and I had no idea what type of treatment to pursue next. We felt as if we had exhausted all of our options.

After a Lot of Prayers

God led us to a small homeopathic clinic. This clinic is about 12 hours away from our home in western Kentucky. I will not delve into the details of the treatment that I received. You can obtain that information by contacting my mom if you are interested. I will tell you that after only three days, I felt better than I had in years. Total healing continues for several years after the initial treatment. Two years later, I am still continually improving and adjusting to life as a healthy college student.

Reasonably often, well-meaning friends will ask about my experience with Lyme and say, “Oh my goodness, that’s terrible! I bet you wish you had found that homeopathic clinic sooner.” Or, “I bet you wish you could erase that from your past.” My answer is always no. I don’t answer this way because I am trying to get attention. There is no desire to appear more “religious.” I answer the way I do because I would be vastly different without this season in my life.

This Time of Suffering and Trial

This time of suffering and trial made it clear that God was directing me toward a specific profession. This profession will continue to carry out His will. How many 18-year-olds confidently say they know what job they want to pursue? I cannot stress enough how pivotal this illness has played in my life. It did this by shaping me into who I am today. More importantly, it has firmly rooted my relationship with Jesus.

I’ve thought about my walk with Christ without those six years. Every time I feel the same thing: thank goodness I was sick. God was able to use something so dark in this illness to shed light on my life. He used Lyme Disease to draw me near to Himself.

While I was awakened to the profession, I needed to pursue it to bring Him glory. My time of sickness allowed me to see how I could use this experience. This experience can be used to glorify Him and bring healing to others. All this can be done before I’ve attended graduate school. These are the reasons why I agreed to write this for Brandi’s blog.

God has used my mom and me to share healing personally. We have also been able to share the gospel with over 300 people. Countries include the US, Canada, and Norway. I want you to come away from this post with new knowledge about Chronic Lyme Disease. Hardships you encounter can be used to bring God glory. It can also reveal a purpose for your life that is far beyond what you could have ever conceived.

Guest Blogger, Medical

Welcome My Newest Guest Blogger Lesley

Welcome My Newest Guest Blogger Lesley

Welcome, My Newest Guest Blogger Lesley. Les and I have been friends for an eternity. We met moons ago in church, then moved into her neighborhood and became her neighbor. We were pregnant with our oldest girls together. Those sweet girls are now 20! A story of a mama who didn’t give up on her girl or God. I’m excited to be a platform for her and their powerful message! Maybe, just maybe, I can get Callie to write her story out, too. We shall see! Just watch what FAITH and DETERMINATION can do!

———————————————————————–

So faith comes from hearing and hearing through the word of Christ. Romans 10:17

I remember hearing God speak to me, through my prayer time, about my daughter. I was so very guilty of half-heartedly praying for each of my children. For my children, prayers are for protection and to grow in grace. These are all the things a “good Christian Mom” begs. I did this each day for my children. Like us all, I was going through the motions. Thankfully, God is who He is and still chose that time to speak to ole ½ effort me.

For a solid month, I was able to pray for both my boys. Amazingly enough, when I would begin to pray for my daughter, Callie, God would speak over me. I know many looks for ways that God is speaking to us. Believe me; I would rather have the less direct approach. My Father knows me well, though. He intended for me to listen. As I struggled to pray daily for Callie, He would speak over me and say, “Heal her.”

Hearing His Voice Clearly

Those were His only words. They told me we, as a family, would face a season. Also, He would, in the end, heal her. Honestly, this wasn’t the first time I audibly heard His voice. I didn’t doubt those words were His. However, I did wonder how He could be so confused. Honestly, Callie was a healthy 12-year-old.

She had never been sick. Seriously, even as a small child. She played soccer to the point that I was exhausted just driving her around. There were many different teams and commitments. Nonetheless, His words were clear. So, I stood tearfully in front of my husband, Erik. I told him to prepare that God had told me Callie was sick.

Two weeks later, her first symptom began.

Callie began fainting in her first year of middle school. Seriously, as if that year isn’t awkward enough. She fainted up to ten times each day. We felt pretty confident in the initial diagnosis. A cardiologist diagnosed her at Kosair’s Children’s Hospital. He said his daughter had the same issue. That during stressful times, she would faint. He even said to expect her to faint on her wedding day. There was nothing to do but continue with life.

He claimed it was a dip in blood pressure. This was because Callie was an athlete. Her BP was already low, so it didn’t have far to drop. He’s a pediatric cardiologist, and his daughter also has this. He knows and has certainly checked this all out, right? A pediatric neurologist at Vanderbilt and a host of other doctors agreed with his diagnosis. So we went on with life with the occasional flops onto the floor.

Every season there is a new symptom of Lyme disease

Each year Callie added a new sign and became sicker. In 7th grade, she began having knee trouble. She couldn’t bend to open her locker. Thankfully, all her sweet friends did that for her. Multiple trips to her orthopedic doctor and several knee steroid shots didn’t find a solution.

She played soccer with two knee braces. Also, she fainted while on the field. We left the area with ice packs all over her legs. She was the definition of a total mess! Fortunately, fainting on the field to many just looked like the most awkward trip in the world. Anyone that knows Callie knows she is fully capable of the most uncomfortable travel in the world. So it was very believable.

Feelings of Judgment

We often felt judged by other parents for allowing her to continue to play. Still, we knew mentally we could not take that from her, and now in hindsight staying physically active was what likely saved her and kept her from becoming bedridden.

Before leaving middle school, she added extreme fatigue to the daily list of things affecting her. I would pick her up from school, and she would fall asleep in the car before we could even pull out of the parking lot. Her moods confused us because her nature is typically very kind and grace-filled. Often she would get furious over minor things and look embarrassed at herself for acting so over the top. We wrote it off as teenage girl hormones, but it was Lyme rage.

Getting Sicker

Sadly, there were more doctors, tests, and no answers as to why she continued getting sicker. All her blood work for every test came back perfect, and each doctor would say, wow, she’s too young and healthy to have so many diseases, but they offered no answers, only pills, and more pills. I remember at 14 from one doctor, and she was given medicines for pain, muscle cramps, and sleeping aids, none of which we chose to fill. We were not going down that path.

Homeopathic

I knew a more natural approach had to be our route. Still, I honestly didn’t trust natural doctors or natural medicine, and I certainly did not have much faith in my ability to decide if they were legit or crazy. Looking back now, I think my prayer was ½ hearted because I thought what I was asking for didn’t exist. I asked God to send us an MD that was also a homeopathic doctor. That couldn’t exist. They are so different in their approach that there can’t possibly be a doctor who is both. Oh, yea (Lesley) of little faith!

Two weeks after I began my prayer, a sweet friend from high school made a Facebook post about her new job. I clicked on her link to see where she’d be working, and it was in the office of an MD that was also a homeopathic doc! God, you are so good!

He is Relentless

God also began relentlessly placing the word Lyme in front of my face. I sat up many nights reading as I had for the first four years, trying to find anything we could be overlooking to help Callie. As I read, all things pointed to Lyme disease. At this point, she had three negative Lyme tests on her records. How on earth could it be Lyme? I don’t remember her being bitten. She was never sick. It couldn’t be Lyme. 

Truly the hand of God

Not only did God send via Facebook of all ways a doctor I could trust because he had a familiar to me traditional medical approach, but he also happened to be the one Lyme literate MD in our area! There was only a handful of them, but we had one nearby, and he was the very doctor I had asked God to help me find. God’s provision was beyond what I knew to ask for in prayer!

At 16, Callie was diagnosed with Chronic Lyme disease, just what God had been revealing to me and preparing us for weeks.

Two years in the desert 

Jesus often taught through examples, and the best tool is a non-example. My Mom’s heart hurts when I think about Callie’s two years of treatments (from 16-18) because now I know it is an example of how not to treat Lyme. I am not sure I could have done what she did. That tenacious spirit almost killed us when she was a preschool kid drove her through this time. I never once heard her ask, “why me?”

So Much Pain

From 16-18, we aggressively treated Callie’s Lyme disease with high doses of antibiotics. She took 14 pills daily, fought to keep them and any food she could manage to get in, and continued to do everything asked. Many days she could not get out of bed at all. Her body would go numb, or the pain would be too much. Sometimes she would have to leave school because her neck and back pain had become unbearable. Insomnia was also a big issue, or as Callie called it, Lymsomia. Many days she wouldn’t fall asleep until 3 or 4 am, and then we would drag her out for school because if she could move, she had to go.

Support System

Her teachers were beyond gracious, and the school system could have easily made her go on homebound, but she took all advanced/AP courses, so we felt if she could get one day in class per week, then that was better than having to self-teach herself all of the material. She barely attended high school, yet she kept all A’s and pushed herself with the promise that God would heal her and the hope that she would be a college soccer player driving her.

One of the biggest hurdles to get through with this treatment was to keep all the pills down. Callie felt nauseated 24/7 and threw up every single day. Many days she only ate popsicles because that was all she could keep down. Because this was an issue, Callie had to get two IV PICC lines to receive her doses of antibiotics. So around the clock, she got up, flushed her lines, and started her IV medications every six hours.

Trudging Through

I am still not sure how she did this using only one hand, but that is her spirit in a nutshell. The medications were much harsher this way and often caused horrible side effects. Eventually, one by one, her body rejected each of these meds until we reached the point that all antibiotics that could kill Lyme bacteria were now not an option because her body had rejected them all.

Deepest of Valleys

I’ve never felt the valley so profoundly. I tried my best to keep a positive spirit around Callie. I often encouraged her that God told me he would heal her. Sadly, deep down, I am human. I was full of fear she could not be cured. I knew the one source of fear, but it swallowed me. I had become her doctor and researcher over the past six years, and I thought I had to find the solution. Too many I’s in my sentence. Right!

Sometimes being faithful means going through the motions, and you must step forward in faith even when you are overcome by fear and doubt. God’s plan is always better for us than our own, and Callie and God were about to remind me that!

God’s plan revealed

Lymies clump together. Clump together to compare notes on meds, things that are working, or what on their body has gone south since the last time we saw each other. When you see another Lymie out, you are just drawn to them for a hug because you are the only people that understand just how hard it is to be that sick.

During one particular Lymie clump in Kroger, a friend we had been able to help get appropriately diagnosed shared a different type of treatment with us. It was new to us and sounded completely crazy, but what did we have to lose? We went for it! After four years of misdiagnosis and two years of harsh treatments in three days, Callie’s Lyme was gone. The Lyme was not just a little gone but GONE! This is how God has planned to heal her!

Why so long?

It is easy to wonder why God didn’t put this treatment in our path years ago. Like Kevin Bacon’s six degrees, this answer was only one degree away! The person who had successfully had this treatment lived in my hometown of Benton and was my gym teacher growing up and friends with my Mom! I’m not even sure she counts as a full degree away from us.

God’s Timing

God’s examples are sometimes non-examples, so we can share what not to do. We can share a bad experience and use it as a teachable moment for others we help along the way. God’s timing is often so we can grow and see his full majesty in the process. His glory is often better when it is revealed slowly, and we can fully appreciate God’s awesomeness.

God’s timing is so that we may be polished. Before this season, Callie was the shyest and most backward kiddo. She was a happy girl if she could go a day with no attention. This fire has transformed her to be a bold servant of God. She still doesn’t want you to look at her much, but she boldly serves even where it’s not comfortable or cool.

God’s word is true. When he speaks, what he has told us in his word is all true. There is no maybe with God. Rest in Him in the valley and wait on him.

The Bad Guys

I try hard not to come across as the crazy conspiracy lady. I do-haha! I do so for myself and those we try to help. If I sit and think about how long Callie suffered and unnecessary it is, I can turn into a crazed Momma bear. But, Momma bear mode doesn’t accomplish anything and turns my spirit into something less than what God wants me to be, which affects my witness and my ability to help others.

Bottom Line

The bottom line is the American Medical Association, and the CDC are both working against us. They continue to approve the wrong test for Lyme which, unless a tick bit you yesterday, will come back negative, and even then, it throws a false negative 50% of the time. Our doctors are not told about the Western Blot test through Igenex labs, which isn’t flawless, but it is the best we currently have. Some labs have even started calling their test the Western Blot test, which must be illegal. I’m not a lawyer, but I may have to make that my next research project-ha!

AMA

The AMA will not allow doctors to treat patients on long-term antibiotics beyond a month for Lyme disease. OHHHHH, but you can be on antibiotics for years to treat acne, so that makes perfect sense! Doctors’ hands are tied. They cannot risk their license to treat it, so why test properly? Lyme docs are watched closely by the AMA and even their fellow doctors and live knowing they are at risk. If you don’t believe me check out a Lyme page on Facebook. No one will say the name of their doctors. They are protecting them.

Proper Diagnosis

Because the AMA will not allow treatment beyond 30 days, insurance will only pay for 30 days, so many Lymies cannot afford their meds. At one point, we were paying $700 per week out of pocket because our insurance wouldn’t pay for treatment. Sadly many Lyme patients eventually run out of money, are too sick to work, and die from Lyme. Everything works against you to get properly diagnosed, and you must take it into your own hands. Don’t be afraid. You can do it!

Where We Are Now

Callie is now a healthy and active 20-year-old enjoying college, and yes, she did reach that dream of attaining a scholarship to play college soccer. Her favorite verse to share when she speaks of this season in her life is 1 Peter 4:13.

But rejoice since you participate in the sufferings of Christ so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.

Adoption, Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger

God is in the Details

~~Guest Blogger: God is in the details is something I posted, a few months ago.  This post is about the love, adoption, and loss of this sweet family’s sweet daughter Freh.  Amy and Sten’s story continues and the light of the Lord shines through dark times.  She has graciously let me repost her original blog (you can find her blog here).  Amy and Sten’s story is powerful and their faith is an inspiration~~

God is in the Details

Sometimes Writing is Painful

Putting words into print somehow solidifies the reality. But everyone knows that writing is therapeutic and sharing one’s story is really more for the writer than the reader, right?

I have had an aversion to sharing in the past several months, because how do I say it? How do I justly tell a story that has so many details and changing parts that won’t leave me feeling torn apart and raw or worse yet…vulnerable. After all, isn’t dealing with child loss and grief enough? I mean why tell a story that will make me look like a glutton for punishment? I don’t know. But what I do know is that an amazing story is unfolding in my life, and I haven’t shared it because of vulnerability. I have avoided the messy, ugly, scorching parts to preserve what little dignity I have left. Questions, opinions, judgment, they all raise the hairs on my neck.

I Have Turned to Close Confidants

Also, my prayer posse to stand there, in this foggy ditch, and intercede on my behalf until I can muster the words……God is still working. He has not set my tapestry down and forgotten. He is very much working out the finest of details. This ‘new us’ is now on a constant quest for joy. Consistently, almost methodically searching and seeking not the temporary thrills and distractions from our pain, but eternal, long-lasting, blanketing joy. We did a lot of talking and praying about this joy. I asked God to tell me where to go to find this gift He had for us and very clearly he pointed us to children, the beautifully packaged joy that He has time and again chosen for us since we were just 18 years old.

May 2014

Mother’s Day weekend. We got an email that informed us that a young, homeless girl in Florida is pregnant and has chosen us to be the forever family for her baby, due in October. We were ecstatic! Oh, how we had longed for a baby to hold and love since that day just a year before when our lives were shattered, and our Freh was taken from us. I finally felt like there was some joy to be had. A baby, a young mother in need, a little package of hope.

Flying to Florida

We flew to Florida and met “D” and her boyfriend. We went to an ultrasound and saw the little life inside her. It was a boy. He was healthy. We enjoyed the time we spent with this young girl, talking about her life and her plans for herself. Seeing that the relationship she was in with her boyfriend was not healthy,  Sten and I spoke with her about that and ways she could get help.

We bonded with this young mother. I felt an immediate love for her. She showed us the hotel she was now staying in, and we taught her how to cook some food for herself.  On the flight home, Sten and I admitted that we felt conflicted. We really wished she could somehow find a way, as we had over 19 years ago, to keep her baby and yet, we still really longed for a baby. I committed to praying quietly that God would move in D’s life and that He would guide her to the right decision.

She and I Texted Throughout the Summer

I was able to have a few significant conversations with her. We talked about purpose and God and joy. She knew that we had lost our daughter a year before and she asked me how I handle that, a question that brought such a lump to my throat because I knew what possibly laid ahead in her future. I simply answered that I just let God handle the hard parts and I never stop seeking Him. She responded that her grandmother used to tell her the same thing.

35 weeks, ultrasound day….we received a call that D had not shown up for her ultrasound and that she called to tell our consultant that she has decided to leave her boyfriend and keep her baby. She had reunited with her mom, and they were going to raise the baby together. Now, you might think that we were angry with her for this…after all, how could she string us along with all summer and take thousands from us in support? We had our house ready for a baby.

We Were Supposed to be His Parents, Right?

Nope.

God had protected our hearts so perfectly that when we got the news, and the initial (5minute) sting wore off, we were so HAPPY for D. She found a way. She gets to be a momma to her baby!! How could that make anyone angry? God had worked it out to the smallest details. My concern was that she knew we were so happy for her and that we loved her, no matter what. It was ok. I felt that peace that only God can wash over me.  This is where it gets ugly and messy and, for the sake of sanity and humility and all things sensible, I will just share the watered-down version.

Have you ever had an experience that is so confusing and awful that all you can do is chalk it up to the darkness in this world? Well, that’s kind of how this next part played out……Two days later we were matched with another baby due “any day now.” He was 100% certainly ours, or so we were told. We let our guards down, went to Target, and bought everything we would need for this soon to be born child. Then, I asked if a prenatal record was available for us to look over, so we knew what to expect with this baby and just like that he was stripped from us and given to a family who would “love him unconditionally” (aka pay more money and not ask questions) To my friends in the adoption community, you may take a short break to wash the vomit from your mouths.

I know.

Brutal

Two weeks of refusal to answer our emails and phone calls. We had nothing. We were devastated, angry, hurt, seething mad. Talk about God putting up a huge wall. In the midst of hurt and loss upon loss like this, we barely could see straight. I pushed hard into God and the very close, personal friends he has gifted me with. They spoke the truth to me.  I cried, paced, spit…all of those ugly things you do when you get seething mad. But, God was loud and clear to me, once again, to wait to be quiet. TRUST HIM.

I Decided I was not Going to Share Publicly What Had Happened

I was going to let things pass and hopefully ease into the next chapter, without any scars or should I say judgment. People would notice when November comes, and we don’t have a baby. I just didn’t have the words. I kept hearing God nudging me to ‘write it out’….share what He is doing in the midst of pain, but golly! That is just such a vulnerable place to put yourself. And in the center of all that confusion and hurt, I certainly couldn’t see the thread of God’s needle. I could feel more of the flame of his blowtorch… How could I possibly find some wonderfully divine inspiration for writing? But God kept revisiting the issue. Write.

Behind the Adoption Drama Unfolding Another Ache

Our oldest son. He has had a difficult stretch these last few years, and we have had to let him learn some incredibly hard life lessons. Ones that you think to yourself, “son, this is going to wreck you possibly, but you must walk across these burning embers to heal and learn.” I can see now that God knew. God saw the way in advance that if we had been given D’s baby, we certainly would not have been available to help our first-born child through quite possibly, the most challenging time in his life. I love my God for protecting my children that way. For answering my very own prayers for my children so perfectly. Weaving our hearts together in the most intricate way possible.  I am thankful.

My Husband is a Patient and Introspective Man

He encourages me to do things that really stretch me, like be patient, wait it out, be quiet (HA!), listen. He is such a ROCK for me. After all the dust settled from that terrible “you have a baby, wait, no you don’t” week…Sten said to me that we should wait a month, get our bearings and start looking around us at what we should do next. We indeed agreed that we weren’t going to give up on adoption. God put that call on our hearts, and we haven’t felt as if he is taking it away.

On November 6 we signed with an adoption consulting firm called Christian Adoption Consultants. Turns out, Freh’s friend in Heaven, Mattie Sam, well, his mom is one of the lead consultants there, and they orchestrated the whole “hey, our moms should totally meet” thing. Tracie and I firmly believe that they are up to some serious Heavenly Shenanigans! Isn’t that cool? Isn’t it amazing how if you just take a half step back, you can see that GLORY IS RIGHT THERE?

God, just waiting to do His thing! Now, we are working with Tracie’s team at CAC to meet a need and be matched with a baby who needs us, and we cannot wait to see what God will do with this. It finally feels like we are right where He wants us to be. Adoption is very hard. Adoption is very risky. But, with God and Godly people by your side, He will use the ugliest of situations and bring beauty from them!

All This Time

I have heard God speaking to me to write. “I will bless the Lord at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul shall make her boast in the Lord: the humble shall hear thereof, and be glad. O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together. I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.” Psalm 34:1-4  This verse has come to my plate many times over the course of the past 8 years. Be a lamp. Still, I struggled inside my own head with sharing.

People Will Just Understand, I Told Myself

God will understand why I don’t want to write about it, it’s painful. But then, without even mentioning this spiritual struggle to anyone, God used one of his people to deliver a message. A Facebook friend wrote me and said she had been feeling like the Lord was leading her to pray for me. We chatted about that, and I let her in on the very surface details of our adoption trials. Then just Sunday morning, she messaged me again, “Have you blogged about any of this? I’m wondering if sharing your thoughts, your story might bring your baby home? I believe God is not asking you to share your sorrow rather share His love and openly SEEK your baby. I’m positive God is asking me to tell you to listen to that voice you hear calling.”

WAIT.  WHAT?

Yes. My God. Our God. He does these things. He uses his people as 2x4s to smack us upside the head. He’s done it before. Why am I surprised?  So, I just spent the better part of a Monday writing to you about the wonderful, faithful, amazing love that is God. He is in the very details of our lives, even when we feel so far from him. He is right there. Listening. Beckoning. Leading.

I am not giving up. Refinement is painful at times. I can see joy and sorrow, contentment and longing all rolled up into a holy ball of fire and ice, beauty like nothing ever witnessed before.

If You Have Endured This Post to the Very End, Would You Do One More Thing?

Would you please pray for us? Pray that whatever baby God is intending for our family will make it to our family soon. Praise God with us for the mighty work He is doing in our oldest son. Ask God to give our weary hearts strength in this wait. Pray for protection and peace over our children. Ask God for grand logistic graces for all of the ifs and whens of this adoption and the impending adoption of Mihret’s brother from Ethiopia. Please pray that I will continue to seek and see Him in all of the details.

Love you all.
Amy