Tag: grief

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Since You’ve Been Gone – Reality of Suicide on Family and Friends

Brandi C

In Since You’ve Been Gone – Reality of Suicide on Family and Friends, this post may contain triggers. Please stop reading if you or someone you love struggles with mental illness, depression, suicidal thoughts, or anything in that realm. Immediately, pick up the phone and call. You are treasured and loved beyond measure. Seek help!

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Since You've Been Gone - Reality of Suicide on Family and Friends

Since You’ve Been Gone – Reality of Suicide on Family and Friends

It has been a year since you left. Your family and friends have gone through the ever-winding road of grief and loss. Your mom and daughter have moved. The new place is great! Very open and fresh. They did a great job decorating it.

Your girl starts high school in the fall. I keep thinking back to when we met because your girl should only be 4 yrs old. She is a spitfire, but you already knew that! Then high school she starts high school. Impossible.

You became a grandma to a honey of a girl. Your son and his family have moved out. They are both working and being great parents, learning all the things. You would be proud.

Your brother is getting healthy and regaining control over his life. Donna is beginning to find peace during the storm. She still struggles, but we lean a lot on each other when “having our moment.”

Nothing will ever be the same without you, but the world still turns.

She Looks Like You

I held that baby, and oh my goodness. You would be foolish over her! It would almost be embarrassing. Donna keeps that in check, for the most part. Then, she called, and I heard that baby-making noise, and it happened again. Donna is acting stupid over this baby. Then that baby smiles.

She has your dimples, and if I squint real hard, I could see red hair. Also, she has your eyes. It is almost hard to keep my composure when I gaze into them. I’ll see you in your granddaughter. I feel you in her. It makes me yearn for you to step out of heaven so you can touch her.

I Can’t Get You Out of My Head.

There are so many things I wish I could evacuate out of my mind; how you looked at me, how we talked as I painted your fingernails, your favorite color. The smell of your freshly washed hair thrown up in a messy bun. The way you would whine so much as I french braided your hair. You didn’t whine that day.

I Miss You

Ten years is a long time for a friendship to ebb and flow. We ebbed, and we flowed a lot. Honestly, we were both used to that and embraced it. We grew together. We raised our kids together. We ate, laughed, and cried together, and then we didn’t.

I catch myself channeling your courage. You were tiny, but you were mighty. I always wanted that energy. When we were together, I felt invisible. If someone came to bother me, you’d be all over them like a spider monkey. It was quite the vision.

My Favorite Memory

When asked what my favorite memory of you and I was the other day was, I responded with “bats and boxed hair dye.” That memory will be embedded in my brain until I take my last breath. Who knew bats liked your bleach blonde hair and that you could scream, swat, and jump simultaneously. I was no help because I was doubled over laughing. In the meantime, Big Daddy was in the house fuming because you had dyed my hair burgundy.

Those First Few Moments

Getting that phone call.

Hearing her tell me.

Listening to her moan.

Flying over there.

Seeing where it all happened.

Walking into your empty house.

Hugging your mom.

Comforting your son.

Flying to the funeral home.

Questioning their practices and ethics.

Doing what I needed to do.

Seeing your eyes.

Questioning the whole thing.

Angry.

Sad.

What if’s began swirling in my head.

Stoic.

I didn’t allow myself to mourn for almost a full year.

Now, I can’t stop mourning.

Grief.

It’s a bitch.

 

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma

Reflecting on Nesting Bird Wisdom

Brandi C

Reflecting on Nesting Bird Wisdom

Reflecting on Nesting Bird Wisdom

I was reflecting on Nesting Bird Wisdom from my sister a year ago. After a tough weekend, emotionally, I had my early Monday morning chat with my sister. We chit-chatted about nothing and everything. Then we moved into what my triggers were from the past weekend.

A statement swirls around in my head from another friend I told Tera. My friend said, “Brandi, you have to have a release. You have to find someone you can trust. Get this stuff off your chest. Cry if you need to cry.” My statement back to her was, “I had that person. She died. Now I don’t share or talk. I stuff it all down.”

Tera agreed with my friend. We talked about the stages of grief. Also, I have had no time to grieve anything over the past several years. I’ve gone from one hit to another. There has been little time to breathe. Sadly, no time to grieve. Sadly, there was no time to release the pain and emotion from everything that had happened.

Then, she took it one step further.

She said: “Brandi, it’s okay to have birds fly around your head (referring, of course, to grief, depression, anxiety, etc), but you can’t let them make a nest in your hair.”

I agreed. Then, I wiped my tears and got off the phone. Next, I went to the bathroom.

What I saw was a thing of fear and horror. My hair was straight up (circa 80-the 90s) in that great curly, let it be free, windblown hair.

I texted my sister and asked her to define “Nest in Hair.”

So, my birds have nested, and now it is time for them to fly south.

Bye, Bye Birdie. The bird has flown away!

 

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Save Me I am Drowning

Brandi C

 

Save Me I am Drowning

When We Met

Please save me. I am drowning. LA’s death has been a HARD thing for me to blog about….but I keep thinking if I get out my thoughts, through my fingertips….maybe I can get the images out of my mind.

LA…..we met when our boys were playing baseball when they were about 8. She had two kiddos. Our boys are the same age, and then she has a daughter the same age as my 5th son. I remember walking into the baseball park, finding N’s team, and then seeing this woman sitting on the top of the bleachers.

She had a little bob haircut, and her hair was bleached blonde. Honestly, she looked like a baby. She was way too young to have an 8- and 3 yr old at the time. She had on a white t-shirt and ripped jeans. Sitting beneath her was this skinny man with this awesome mustache and his brown-haired wife. They were all smoking, loud, fussing at each other, laughing, cheering, and eating. My 5th child took a liking to the brown-haired lady, and every time I turned around, she gave him food. I would give D a stern look, and she would pipe up, “don’t you fuss at that baby. He didn’t ask. He just looked hungry.”

LA and Her Curiosity

The bleach-blonde girl would cackle, and I’d roll my eyes thinking, she is my spirit animal. Rough around the edges, spirited, funny, family-oriented, and LOUD. We hit it off and began an intense friendship of discovery.

LA, through the lens she saw my life, was curious. She was asked a lot of questions about my life, my marriage, my parenting, and my faith. Her kids and my kids hit it off. We all hit it off with her parents and her brother. It was fun. It was crass at times cause that is how they roll, in a vat of sarcasm and love.

We were friends for about 10 yrs; through incredible ups of leading her to Christ in the park and her dyeing my hair to the deepest of lows with alcohol, drug addiction, and mental illness. I have loved her through every moment we knew each other. There was a point where those moments consumed me like a fire. There were times when I would stay up late. I talked with her and tried my best to pull her into the light of healing. I was doing the job that Christ needed to do.

When She Fell and Letting Go

What I see now, on the back end of things, is that she didn’t eat the bottom of the barrel when she fell. She hit my face. I loved her and her children and family, so I placed myself at the bottom of that barrel, so she never had the opportunity to see Jesus directly. She saw Him because she loved Him and was His child, but she did see Him in that face of darkness and despair. I wanted control because I thought I could fix it all and make her better.

My husband had encouraged me to back away. Not to disappear, not to stop loving, not to stop praying, but I had to allow her to meet her Jesus and find her healing and wholeness in Him and not me. That was hard. I met some very dark days, as well. Sometimes she would need me, and I would rearrange everything to go to her and love her and leave my kids and their issues behind.

It is sad to say that reprioritizing my life, submitting to my husband, and what I know to be Scripturally correct was letting LA deal with things alone….without me swooping in to rescue her. My heart was good because I love her so much, and I love those babies so very much, but our friendship was in the way of her relationship with Jesus. I was a stumbling block.

Swirl of Love

As the years waned in and out, we would have good laughs at memories and catch up with the kids, and she started becoming healthier in her mind and other areas. What proved to me that listening to Jesus was right was when she called me up out of the blue and said: “I need you.” Mind you; this was probably 8 or 9 years into our friendship. She wanted to come to the house. She needed me, and I could hear in her voice the clarity. I did not hear that foggy voice of addiction. I told her to come, and we would talk.

She walked up to my porch, and the swirl of love and respect for each other encompassed us. It was like not a minute had passed since we had seen each other. She was clear-eyed, had a clear voice, and was very strong. There was such a strength in her. She sat down and explained what was going on to Bart and me, and we all just sat there and stared at each other, thinking, “oh crap….what is going to happen, and how can we help.” She needed to talk about an issue. There had been an issue with her precious son. In a moment of fogginess, the love she had for that baby, regardless of the situation, was written all over her face.

Forgiveness

She had forgiven, instantly, the things that had happened and was prepared to do whatever she could to help her son get the help he needed, and she did. She fought an excellent fight, and she and her mom won. He received what he needed, and though the situation was terrible, in a stranger’s view, it was just a moment to her. A mistake happened. We all make them; he is no different, and she loves and believes in him and his sister. I was so proud of her and her resolve. I think the only other thing I was prouder of was when she received Christ, but this one was a close second!

Save Me I am Drowning

Now, to see my friend, so desperate, again, and I was unaware this time. The phone call from her mom stopped my world from spinning. Honestly didn’t believe her until I heard her substantial voice crack. I could hear her crying over the phone. Just typing and thinking about that sends this electric emotion through me. I can’t stop thinking of all the “what ifs.” My last image of my friend was looking at her beautiful face. She was so calm and sincere. I brushed her freshly washed hair and braided it. All while she lay on that table after she took her life.

I Will Never Forget

I will never get those images out of my head. Ever. I will never forget hugging her mom, son, daughter, and brother. I will never forget it. Never. I washed her face, brushed her hair, and painted her fingernails the perfect color of pink. I will never forget it.

One Moment

One moment of despair.

A moment of feeling alone.

Finally, a moment of being alone, physically.

Ten seconds away from her mom and children.

Her life was over.

She met Jesus face to face.

Please please please remember

You are NEVER alone.

God is ALWAYS with you.

You are LOVED beyond measure.

Help is a PHONE CALL 24 HOURS A DAY away.

There is always a joy to be found somewhere; even if it is so minimal, there is still joy.

Please seek help from a counselor, the hotline, a pastor, a friend, or a family member.

Please do not choose a path that leaves the family with many unanswered questions and pain.

You ARE WORTHY.

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Adoption, Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger

God is in the Details

Brandi C

~~Guest Blogger: God is in the details is something I posted, a few months ago.  This post is about the love, adoption, and loss of this sweet family’s sweet daughter Freh.  Amy and Sten’s story continues and the light of the Lord shines through dark times.  She has graciously let me repost her original blog (you can find her blog here).  Amy and Sten’s story is powerful and their faith is an inspiration~~

God is in the Details

Sometimes Writing is Painful

Putting words into print somehow solidifies the reality. But everyone knows that writing is therapeutic and sharing one’s story is really more for the writer than the reader, right?

I have had an aversion to sharing in the past several months, because how do I say it? How do I justly tell a story that has so many details and changing parts that won’t leave me feeling torn apart and raw or worse yet…vulnerable. After all, isn’t dealing with child loss and grief enough? I mean why tell a story that will make me look like a glutton for punishment? I don’t know. But what I do know is that an amazing story is unfolding in my life, and I haven’t shared it because of vulnerability. I have avoided the messy, ugly, scorching parts to preserve what little dignity I have left. Questions, opinions, judgment, they all raise the hairs on my neck.

I Have Turned to Close Confidants

Also, my prayer posse to stand there, in this foggy ditch, and intercede on my behalf until I can muster the words……God is still working. He has not set my tapestry down and forgotten. He is very much working out the finest of details. This ‘new us’ is now on a constant quest for joy. Consistently, almost methodically searching and seeking not the temporary thrills and distractions from our pain, but eternal, long-lasting, blanketing joy. We did a lot of talking and praying about this joy. I asked God to tell me where to go to find this gift He had for us and very clearly he pointed us to children, the beautifully packaged joy that He has time and again chosen for us since we were just 18 years old.

May 2014

Mother’s Day weekend. We got an email that informed us that a young, homeless girl in Florida is pregnant and has chosen us to be the forever family for her baby, due in October. We were ecstatic! Oh, how we had longed for a baby to hold and love since that day just a year before when our lives were shattered, and our Freh was taken from us. I finally felt like there was some joy to be had. A baby, a young mother in need, a little package of hope.

Flying to Florida

We flew to Florida and met “D” and her boyfriend. We went to an ultrasound and saw the little life inside her. It was a boy. He was healthy. We enjoyed the time we spent with this young girl, talking about her life and her plans for herself. Seeing that the relationship she was in with her boyfriend was not healthy,  Sten and I spoke with her about that and ways she could get help.

We bonded with this young mother. I felt an immediate love for her. She showed us the hotel she was now staying in, and we taught her how to cook some food for herself.  On the flight home, Sten and I admitted that we felt conflicted. We really wished she could somehow find a way, as we had over 19 years ago, to keep her baby and yet, we still really longed for a baby. I committed to praying quietly that God would move in D’s life and that He would guide her to the right decision.

She and I Texted Throughout the Summer

I was able to have a few significant conversations with her. We talked about purpose and God and joy. She knew that we had lost our daughter a year before and she asked me how I handle that, a question that brought such a lump to my throat because I knew what possibly laid ahead in her future. I simply answered that I just let God handle the hard parts and I never stop seeking Him. She responded that her grandmother used to tell her the same thing.

35 weeks, ultrasound day….we received a call that D had not shown up for her ultrasound and that she called to tell our consultant that she has decided to leave her boyfriend and keep her baby. She had reunited with her mom, and they were going to raise the baby together. Now, you might think that we were angry with her for this…after all, how could she string us along with all summer and take thousands from us in support? We had our house ready for a baby.

We Were Supposed to be His Parents, Right?

Nope.

God had protected our hearts so perfectly that when we got the news, and the initial (5minute) sting wore off, we were so HAPPY for D. She found a way. She gets to be a momma to her baby!! How could that make anyone angry? God had worked it out to the smallest details. My concern was that she knew we were so happy for her and that we loved her, no matter what. It was ok. I felt that peace that only God can wash over me.  This is where it gets ugly and messy and, for the sake of sanity and humility and all things sensible, I will just share the watered-down version.

Have you ever had an experience that is so confusing and awful that all you can do is chalk it up to the darkness in this world? Well, that’s kind of how this next part played out……Two days later we were matched with another baby due “any day now.” He was 100% certainly ours, or so we were told. We let our guards down, went to Target, and bought everything we would need for this soon to be born child. Then, I asked if a prenatal record was available for us to look over, so we knew what to expect with this baby and just like that he was stripped from us and given to a family who would “love him unconditionally” (aka pay more money and not ask questions) To my friends in the adoption community, you may take a short break to wash the vomit from your mouths.

I know.

Brutal

Two weeks of refusal to answer our emails and phone calls. We had nothing. We were devastated, angry, hurt, seething mad. Talk about God putting up a huge wall. In the midst of hurt and loss upon loss like this, we barely could see straight. I pushed hard into God and the very close, personal friends he has gifted me with. They spoke the truth to me.  I cried, paced, spit…all of those ugly things you do when you get seething mad. But, God was loud and clear to me, once again, to wait to be quiet. TRUST HIM.

I Decided I was not Going to Share Publicly What Had Happened

I was going to let things pass and hopefully ease into the next chapter, without any scars or should I say judgment. People would notice when November comes, and we don’t have a baby. I just didn’t have the words. I kept hearing God nudging me to ‘write it out’….share what He is doing in the midst of pain, but golly! That is just such a vulnerable place to put yourself. And in the center of all that confusion and hurt, I certainly couldn’t see the thread of God’s needle. I could feel more of the flame of his blowtorch… How could I possibly find some wonderfully divine inspiration for writing? But God kept revisiting the issue. Write.

Behind the Adoption Drama Unfolding Another Ache

Our oldest son. He has had a difficult stretch these last few years, and we have had to let him learn some incredibly hard life lessons. Ones that you think to yourself, “son, this is going to wreck you possibly, but you must walk across these burning embers to heal and learn.” I can see now that God knew. God saw the way in advance that if we had been given D’s baby, we certainly would not have been available to help our first-born child through quite possibly, the most challenging time in his life. I love my God for protecting my children that way. For answering my very own prayers for my children so perfectly. Weaving our hearts together in the most intricate way possible.  I am thankful.

My Husband is a Patient and Introspective Man

He encourages me to do things that really stretch me, like be patient, wait it out, be quiet (HA!), listen. He is such a ROCK for me. After all the dust settled from that terrible “you have a baby, wait, no you don’t” week…Sten said to me that we should wait a month, get our bearings and start looking around us at what we should do next. We indeed agreed that we weren’t going to give up on adoption. God put that call on our hearts, and we haven’t felt as if he is taking it away.

On November 6 we signed with an adoption consulting firm called Christian Adoption Consultants. Turns out, Freh’s friend in Heaven, Mattie Sam, well, his mom is one of the lead consultants there, and they orchestrated the whole “hey, our moms should totally meet” thing. Tracie and I firmly believe that they are up to some serious Heavenly Shenanigans! Isn’t that cool? Isn’t it amazing how if you just take a half step back, you can see that GLORY IS RIGHT THERE?

God, just waiting to do His thing! Now, we are working with Tracie’s team at CAC to meet a need and be matched with a baby who needs us, and we cannot wait to see what God will do with this. It finally feels like we are right where He wants us to be. Adoption is very hard. Adoption is very risky. But, with God and Godly people by your side, He will use the ugliest of situations and bring beauty from them!

All This Time

I have heard God speaking to me to write. “I will bless the Lord at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul shall make her boast in the Lord: the humble shall hear thereof, and be glad. O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together. I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.” Psalm 34:1-4  This verse has come to my plate many times over the course of the past 8 years. Be a lamp. Still, I struggled inside my own head with sharing.

People Will Just Understand, I Told Myself

God will understand why I don’t want to write about it, it’s painful. But then, without even mentioning this spiritual struggle to anyone, God used one of his people to deliver a message. A Facebook friend wrote me and said she had been feeling like the Lord was leading her to pray for me. We chatted about that, and I let her in on the very surface details of our adoption trials. Then just Sunday morning, she messaged me again, “Have you blogged about any of this? I’m wondering if sharing your thoughts, your story might bring your baby home? I believe God is not asking you to share your sorrow rather share His love and openly SEEK your baby. I’m positive God is asking me to tell you to listen to that voice you hear calling.”

WAIT.  WHAT?

Yes. My God. Our God. He does these things. He uses his people as 2x4s to smack us upside the head. He’s done it before. Why am I surprised?  So, I just spent the better part of a Monday writing to you about the wonderful, faithful, amazing love that is God. He is in the very details of our lives, even when we feel so far from him. He is right there. Listening. Beckoning. Leading.

I am not giving up. Refinement is painful at times. I can see joy and sorrow, contentment and longing all rolled up into a holy ball of fire and ice, beauty like nothing ever witnessed before.

If You Have Endured This Post to the Very End, Would You Do One More Thing?

Would you please pray for us? Pray that whatever baby God is intending for our family will make it to our family soon. Praise God with us for the mighty work He is doing in our oldest son. Ask God to give our weary hearts strength in this wait. Pray for protection and peace over our children. Ask God for grand logistic graces for all of the ifs and whens of this adoption and the impending adoption of Mihret’s brother from Ethiopia. Please pray that I will continue to seek and see Him in all of the details.

Love you all.
Amy