Speak Up and Fill the Silence
Speak Up and Fill the Silence is a phrase that I just heard on a television show and it has resonated with me. As I sit here, knowing how silent I have been on my blog, in my workplace, at church, and everywhere else, this phrase hit hard.
Silence, to some, is a sign of weakness. Silence to Jesus is different. In Psalm 62:5 it reads “For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him.” My husband told me, not to long ago, that we have “changed roles” within our marriage. Typically, I am the brazen one and he is the one that stands in the background.
I educated him that day. I simply stated “just because this volcano is dormant and not exploding, all the time, doesn’t mean I’m not rumbling underneath the earth ready to erupt at any moment.” It’s pretty simple, I have just been asleep for the last few years.
However, I’m beginning to wake up. When I look around, instead of seeing black and white, I see glimpses of color. I’m coming back to myself and I am starting to rumble. There are moments when my old self comes forward and other moments when I slip back into slumber.
I was talking to my sister the other day…we would try and talk on Mondays but since I started work, we don’t do that as often. I feel as if we have lost a bit of our connection. There has been so much going on in my world (and hers) that we are keeping our eyes above the waves. We touch base when we have a moment.
When we were chatting and talking about the hard things of life, I quietly told her something I have been thinking on for quite some time. Quietly, I said “I’m thinking about getting a cat and naming it Lucretia.” She bust out laughing and said “my sister is coming back.” We are filling the silence with laughter instead of pain and awkward silence.
So much silence. Silence with the trauma that my family went through for the last 7 years, 4 years, 2 years, and last year. I’ve lost friendships because I’ve been silent and my silence was mistaken for anger. In reality, I’m trying to just continue to inhale in and out. I’ve lost myself, I almost lost my marriage, my sanity, and more.
The other day, at work, I told my boss something that I’ve been hinting around about for a while now. I told her that I was going to get my hair done. She is all about self-care. I then stated that I was going to get some purple in my hair, but it would be underneath and the top layer would cover it. She just looked at me (I can see the rule book going through her head and it states no unnatural hair color). Before she had a chance to speak, I said “listen, I’m losing myself and if you don’t let me be me, I won’t make it.” She smiled and said it sounded great and I should also think about a nose ring (that’d be a no).
I immediately texted my hair-apist and let her know. Then, I’m scheduling my tattoo. I also bought some clothes and sparkly shoes. I’m remembering who I am and what I like. That is usually vastly different than what other people like, but I’m okay with that.
Today, I spoke up, at work. Something was said and I was taking it personally. I was able to look someone in the face and defend my morals and ethics of my job. I did so with respect and clarity. In the past, I would just let this person walk all over me until I realized that I’m not a doormat. I’m an equal and we want the same things in life (work related). We are on the same team. We can either spend our time fighting each other or fighting together.
I don’t know how long it will take me to completely wake up and fill the silence with my words, but I do know that it is slowly happening. I need to take one day at a time or even better, one moment at a time. There are things I’m still figuring out and some areas that are still gray for me because I’m not sure where to step.
My silence has been leading my severe depression for the last 5 years or so. I’m still not out of the woods yet but I’m beginning to hear sounds, see flashes of color, and in the distance what my future holds. I’m about ready to stand up and stand tall and speak.
As I tell my children, grandchildren, and clients “You are strong, brave, kind, and good. Your past does not define you and it does not control your present or your future. Straighten you crown, stand up tall, be heard, and let that storm know that you are no longer afraid because you ARE the storm.”
People. I am the storm. It’s time for me to be heard and to just fill the damn silence.
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