Tag: suicide prevention

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Highlighting A Survivor Story

Brandi Crum, MA, LMFT

Highlighting A Survivor Story

suicide survivor

In this story, you will read about abuse by a stepfather to his stepdaughter. The phrase “My Story Will Empower Me” has stuck in my throat. As my heart was breaking for what this young girl had gone through, in the end, she knows Truth. What man used for evil, He will use for His glory. Somehow, someway, her story will give the strength to someone else to SPEAK UP and GET OUT. Her strength and courage leave me in awe. I’m so proud of this young lady.

A TRUE story of several years of abuse and the suicidal ideations this young lady had at a very young age. She is NOT a victim. This girl is a survivor and a child of the King. Please be mindful that I will not tolerate judgment or hateful things if I leave comments. All names have been changed to protect her.

Her Story

Donald,

Sometimes, I like to lay in bed and daydream about what my life would be like had you not abused me for many years. I want to think that I would be able to look at myself in the mirror and not be utterly disgusted with myself. Maybe I could undress in front of a mirror without cringing every time I see myself. Perhaps I would feel more comfortable around older men.

I Wasn’t the Only One.

You took a genuine interest in my sister, but you preferred to take pictures of her. You saved the majority of touching for me. One of the primary examples of touching I remember is when we would walk next to each other. You would put your arm around me and grab my butt. Sometimes, you would switch it up and rest your hand on my butt.

When It Began

I remember the abuse started when I was about nine, but I’m sure it happened well before then. Never will I forget you making us change in front of you. I remember my sixth-grade year when you made me and my sister rotate, who would change directly in front of you, and how you wouldn’t let us wear anything to the bed besides our underwear. I also remember when you were in a particularly good mood, and you would make us sleep naked so you could come into our room and stare at our bodies.

Innocence Stolen

What traumatized me the most was when you made me and my sister go into the little garage with you. You made my sister lock the door and told us to get completely naked. I remember how shaky my hands were while taking off my clothes. I was so scared of what you were going to do next. You called it “checking us for ticks,” but I know that’s not why you were doing it because you didn’t make our brothers do it either. I also know that wasn’t the real reason because I remember you waited until our mom left to do it. We couldn’t have been in the garage for long, but it felt like a lifetime trapped in there with you.

I vividly remember what it felt like when your rough hands traced every single inch of my body. If I had the choice to forget one day in my life, that would be the day. That was the day that you took my innocence from me. I was ten years old. No ten-year-olds should ever have to feel how I felt on that day. Ten-year-olds should be playing dress-up, not getting abused by their stepfathers. I trusted you. I loved you, and I thought you loved me too. What you did was not love.

Wanting Out

At night, I would lay in bed and think of ways to kill you so the abuse would stop. If I wasn’t plotting to kill you, I was planning ways to kill myself. I didn’t care what it took. I wanted out of the situation. It’s crazy to think about how much I wanted to die at ten. How many ten-year-olds do you know that want to commit suicide?

Anger Flows Freely

I’m angry that you took my innocence from me. You took my childhood. I’m mad you didn’t feel guilty for what you did to me. Also, I’m angry that you didn’t spend the rest of your life in jail. Honestly, I’m mad that you are still alive and my mother still loves you. I’m angry you guys got married. She chose you over me. I’m mad you locked my brother in his room for a week because you thought he was faking it. I had to sneak him food and water. I am so angry about that. I’m mad you waited so long to take him to the hospital.

Even after he was diagnosed {with brain cancer}, you treated him like crap because you thought he was doing it for attention. I’m angry I didn’t get to be there with my brother as he was dying because of you. I don’t know how you live with yourself. How do you sleep at night? I hope you are miserable. I hope the guilt about my brother eats you up inside.

Wishes for My Future

If and when I have children, I will do everything I can to protect them from people like you. I promise that I won’t be like you or my mother. My children will never have to worry about men watching them change or shower. My children will never look in the mirror and hate themselves because of what happened. Hopefully, one day, I will be able to forgive you. I hope one day I will look in the mirror and be proud of who I am and what I have overcome. I wish I could say that this won’t happen to other little girls, but I know many people like you.

My Story Will Empower Me

I hope one day soon that I will be able to publicly tell my story so that other women can speak up about their stories. You will lose your grip on me one day, and I’ll love myself again. Soon, I will love my body. I will no longer be ashamed of you, and my story will empower me. One day soon, you’ll die, and I will sleep a tad bit better at night. You will get what is coming to you and deserve every bit of it.

You will have to answer for what you did to me one of these days. There is nothing you can ever say or do to make up for what you did to me. One of these days, I will be doing better than ever. Your abuse never has and will never define who I am or where I’m going. I hope you are happy with the choices you’ve made in life. I hope that it was all worth it in the end.

Yours Truly,

Nicole

Resources

If you or someone you know is being abused, PLEASE reach out.

ChildHelp Hotline

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Dear You, The One Who Feels Like Giving Up

Brandi Crum, MA, LMFT

Dear You, The One Who Feels Like Giving Up

It is okay

Dear You,

I don’t know the exact weight you’re carrying right now, but I do know this….it’s heavy. And maybe you’re tired of pretending it’s not. Maybe you’ve been holding it together for everyone else, smiling when people ask how you’re doing, while inside you’re just… done. You wonder if anyone would even notice if you stopped showing up.

If that’s you, I want you to hear me clearly: You matter. Your life matters. And no pain lasts forever not even this.

You Are Not Alone

I know it can feel like you are alone. Darkness has a way of convincing us we’re isolated and unloved. But Scripture tells a different story: “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18. That means right now, in this very moment, God is near you. Not far away. Not indifferent. But close enough to hold your tears in His hands.

Your Worth Is Not Determined by Your Struggle

Depression, anxiety, trauma….these are battles, not identities. You are not “too much” or “not enough.” Remember, you are not a burden. You are a beloved child of God, and nothing can change that. “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons… nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39. Not your pain, your past, or not even the thoughts that scare you most.

It’s Okay to Ask for Help

You don’t have to be strong every day. You don’t have to figure everything out before you let someone in. Let a friend, a family member, a therapist, or a pastor know what’s going on inside. Sometimes speaking the truth out loud loosens its hold.

Hold On, Even If It’s Just for Today

I’m not asking you to promise that you’ll feel okay forever; I’m asking you to stay today. You heal by stringing together “one more day” after another until hope returns. Rest when you need to. Cry when you need to. Begin again when you’re ready.

If you’re struggling right now, please reach out: Call or text 988 in the U.S., or visit Find a Helpline to connect with support anywhere in the world.

You are loved. You are seen. And your story is not over.

With Hope,
B

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Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Helping Kids Grieve a Suicide Loss with Compassion

Brandi Crum, MA, LMFT

Helping Kids Grieve a Suicide Loss with Compassion

988 logo

When a child or teen loses someone to suicide, their world changes in ways they may not fully understand. This kind of grief is complex and it is layered with confusion, sadness, anger, and questions that even adults struggle to answer.

As caregivers, we can’t take away the pain, but we can walk beside them through it. How we respond can shape not only how they grieve now, but how they carry loss in the years ahead.

1. Tell the Truth but With Care

Children know when something’s wrong. Using vague phrases like “passed away” or “went to sleep” can create confusion or fear. Use simple, age-appropriate language:

“They died by suicide, which means they ended their life because they were hurting in a way they couldn’t find another way out of.”

You don’t need to share all the details. You just enough for them to understand without feeling overwhelmed.

2. Make Space for All Emotions

Grief is messy. Some kids may cry. Others may seem unfazed. Some may be angry or even blame themselves. Remind them that:

  • All feelings are okay
  • Nothing they said or did caused the death
  • You’re here to listen, even if they don’t have the words yet

3. Keep Routines (But Allow Flexibility)

Structure provides a sense of safety, but grief also demands room for rest and tears. Keep daily rhythms (mealtimes, bedtime) but allow for breaks when emotions are high.

4. Answer Questions More Than Once

Grief changes as kids grow. A question they ask at 7 may return at 12 with deeper meaning. Be patient when they revisit the same questions because this is part of how they process.

5. Use Creative Outlets

Some children express grief better through drawing, writing, music, or play. Invite them to create something in memory of the person, for example, a scrapbook page, a letter, or a special place to keep mementos.

6. Model Healthy Coping

It’s okay for kids to see you cry. Showing your own emotions teaches them that grief is normal and survivable. Pair those moments with ways you take care of yourself like prayer, talking with a friend, or taking a walk. 

7. Offer Spiritual Comfort Without Shame

For faith-based families, Scripture can offer deep comfort but avoid using verses to rush grief or silence emotions. Instead, gently remind them:

  • God is near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18)
  • It’s okay to be sad and still trust God’s goodness
  • Their loved one’s struggles do not define their worth 

8. Get Professional Support if Needed

Children and teens may benefit from grief counseling, especially when suicide is involved. A therapist can help them untangle feelings of guilt, fear, or abandonment in a safe, supportive space. 

Gentle Truth

You don’t have to have perfect words. What kids need most is your presence, honesty, and love. Walking them through this loss with compassion plants seeds of resilience that will last a lifetime. 

If a Child You Know Is Struggling: Call or text 988 in the U.S., or visit Find a Helpline for support worldwide.

Scripture to Carry: “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

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When Trauma Speaks Through Silence

Brandi Crum, MA, LMFT

When Trauma Speaks Through Silence

you are not alone

Some pain is loud like tears, yelling, desperate pleas for help.
Other pain is quiet like withdrawal, numbness, the smile that hides the storm.

For many people, that quiet pain is the echo of trauma. And sometimes, that trauma whispers a dangerous lie: You’d be better off gone.

How Trauma Shapes the Mind and Body

Unresolved trauma isn’t just a memory. It’s an ongoing experience stored in the nervous system. It can leave a person in a constant state of:

  • Hyperarousal — anxiety, irritability, feeling on edge
  • Hypoarousal — numbness, exhaustion, emotional disconnection

Both states can feed hopelessness. When someone feels stuck in a cycle they can’t escape, the thought of ending the pain can begin to feel like the only way out.

Why Trauma Increases Suicide Risk

Trauma can:

  • Distort self-worth — convincing you you’re broken or unworthy of love
  • Create emotional isolation — making it hard to trust others or believe they care
  • Fuel shame — especially if the trauma was never acknowledged or validated
  • Trigger intrusive memories — overwhelming flashbacks that make life feel unbearable

Without intervention, these effects can snowball into chronic despair.

The Silent Signals

People carrying trauma may not always show obvious warning signs. You might notice:

  • A sudden withdrawal from friends and activities
  • Flat or “robotic” emotional responses
  • Talking about being a burden
  • Uncharacteristic risk-taking behaviors
  • Giving away cherished belongings

These signs often speak the language of pain long before the person speaks it aloud.

Where Hope Lives: Healing the Nervous System

Recovery isn’t just about “thinking positive” but it’s about helping the body and mind feel safe again. This can include:

  • Therapy
  • Grounding practices — deep breathing, sensory engagement, mindfulness
  • Safe connections — trusted relationships that offer consistent presence and care
  • Faith practices — prayer, worship, and Scripture that remind you God is near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18)

As the nervous system learns safety again, hopelessness loses its grip.

Gentle Truth

Trauma may speak through silence, but it does not have the final word. Healing is possible. Joy can return. And even if it feels far away right now, you are worth the time and care it takes to get there.

If You Are Struggling: Call or text 988 in the U.S. or visit Find a Helpline to connect with support worldwide. You are not alone.

Scripture to Carry: “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

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From a Therapist’s Chair Let’s Talk About Suicide

Brandi Crum, MA, LMFT

you are not alone

From a Therapist’s Chair Let’s Talk About Suicide

Over the years as a therapist, I’ve sat across from people carrying pain so heavy they wondered if life was worth continuing. I’ve also sat with those same people months or years later, watching them laugh again, love again, and live in ways they couldn’t imagine when we first met.

Suicide is one of the hardest conversations to have, but avoiding it only deepens the silence and stigma that can keep people suffering alone. It’s time we talked about it openly, truthfully, and compassionately.

Myth #1: Talking About Suicide Puts the Idea in Someone’s Head

Truth: You can’t plant suicidal thoughts by asking about them. In fact, asking directly can open a door for honesty and relief. People often feel more supported (and less alone) when someone gives them permission to speak their truth without judgment.

Myth #2: People Who Talk About Suicide Are Just Seeking Attention

Truth: If someone is talking about ending their life, believe them. That “attention” they’re seeking is often connection, validation, and help. Taking it seriously can save a life.

Myth #3: Faith Should Be Enough to Protect Someone

Truth: Faith can be a powerful source of hope, but it doesn’t make anyone immune to depression, trauma, or suicidal thoughts. Mental illness affects people in the church as much as those outside it. Struggling with suicidal thoughts is not a sign of weak faith but it’s a sign someone is hurting and needs care.

Myth #4: Suicide Happens Without Warning

Truth: While some suicides are impulsive, most people show signs, though they’re often subtle. Changes in mood, withdrawal from loved ones, loss of interest in things they once enjoyed, or sudden calm after distress can all be signals something is wrong.

What I’ve Seen From the Therapist’s Chair

I’ve had clients come to me convinced they wouldn’t make it to next week. I’ve also watched those same clients:

  • Rebuild their relationships
  • Find purpose in helping others
  • Experience joy they thought was gone forever

Recovery is possible. The presence of suicidal thoughts does not mean the absence of hope. It means hope feels far away, and we may need to help someone find their way back to it.

What You Can Do

  • Ask directly if you’re concerned: “Are you thinking about ending your life?”
  • Listen without trying to immediately fix it
  • Help connect them to professional support
  • Follow up, even after the crisis seems to have passed

Gentle Truth

Suicide is complex, but one thing is certain: the more we talk about it with compassion and honesty, the more lives we can help save. You may never know how much your presence means to someone standing on the edge.

If You Are Struggling:

In the U.S., call or text 988 or use Find a Helpline to locate help anywhere in the world. You are not alone, and your story is not over.

Scripture to Carry: “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” John 1:5

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Creating a Safety Plan Can Save a Life

Brandi Crum, MA, LMFT

Creating a Safety Plan Can Save a Life

crisis intervention plan

When a mental health crisis hits, it can feel like the ground drops out from under you. Thinking clearly becomes almost impossible, and the very steps that could help you feel safe can seem out of reach. 

That’s why creating a safety plan before a crisis happens is so important. It’s like a lifeline you prepare in calm moments so it’s ready to grab when the storm comes.

What Is a Safety Plan?

A safety plan is a personalized, step-by-step guide you create in advance to help you navigate moments of intense distress or suicidal thoughts. It’s not just for people in immediate crisis. It’s for anyone who’s ever felt overwhelmed, hopeless, or afraid they might harm themselves.

It can be written in a notebook, saved on your phone, or shared with a trusted friend. What matters most is that it’s accessible and specific to you.

Why It Matters

When emotions are high, logic takes a back seat. A safety plan takes the guesswork out of what to do next. It reminds you that you’ve already chosen life in your calmer moments and gives you the tools to hold onto it when it’s hardest.

A Simple Safety Plan Template

You can adapt this to fit your needs, but here’s a basic outline:

Warning Signs

  • Thoughts, feelings, or behaviors that signal I might be heading into crisis.
  • Example: Feeling hopeless, withdrawing from friends, trouble sleeping, increased anxiety.

Coping Strategies I Can Try on My Own

  • Activities or techniques to distract, comfort, or calm myself.
  • Example: Go for a walk, listen to worship music, journal, pray, watch a favorite show.

People and Places That Help Me Feel Safe

  • Friends, family, or locations where I can feel grounded.
  • Example: Call a friend, sit in my church, visit my sister’s house.

Who I Can Call for Help

  • Crisis lines, therapists, or trusted loved ones who can help me stay safe.
  • Example: Therapist: Circle of Hope Counseling Services (270.564.1966), National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988.

Making My Environment Safer

  • Steps to reduce access to means of self-harm.
  • Example: Give my medications to my spouse to hold, lock away firearms, avoid alcohol or drugs when feeling low.

One Reason to Keep Living

  • Something deeply personal to hold onto.
  • Example: My children, my faith, my future plans, knowing God isn’t finished with my story.

Faith and Safety Plans

Creating a safety plan doesn’t mean you lack faith. It means you are stewarding your life as the gift it is. Proverbs 27:12 says, “The prudent see danger and take refuge.”

Preparing a plan is taking refuge before the danger comes. It’s not doubting God’s care. It’s partnering with Him in caring for yourself.

Gentle Encouragement

You are worth protecting. Your life is worth preparing for. And the plan you make today could be the lifeline that keeps you here tomorrow.

If You Are Struggling: Call or text 988 in the U.S. or use Find a Helpline for help in your country. You are not alone.

Scripture to Carry: “The Lord is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Psalm 91:2

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What Suicide Really Looks Like

Brandi Crum, MA, LMFT

What Suicide Really Looks Like

what suicide really looks like

When most people picture suicide, they imagine someone looking sad, withdrawn, or talking openly about wanting to die. While those signs can be present, the truth is far more complex and often, far quieter. Suicide doesn’t always look like lying in bed all day or crying nonstop. It can look like a smile. Also, it can look like showing up to work. It can look like someone making small talk at church, hiding a private storm that’s been building for years.

The Connection Between Trauma and Suicide

Trauma changes the way the brain and body process stress, safety, and hope. Unresolved trauma can lead to:

  • Chronic emotional pain
  • Difficulty regulating emotions
  • Persistent feelings of worthlessness or shame
  • Belief that nothing will ever get better

This creates fertile ground for hopelessness which is a major risk factor for suicide.

The Role of Hopelessness

Hopelessness isn’t just sadness. It’s the crushing belief that things will never change, that the weight you’re carrying will never lighten. For many, it’s not about wanting to die. Honestly, it’s about wanting the pain to stop.

Impulsivity: The Dangerous Window

Some people live with long-term suicidal thoughts; for others, the urge can come suddenly and intensely. This is why access to lethal means during a moment of crisis can be so dangerous. The time between decision and action can be minutes or even seconds.

It’s Not Always About Death

Here’s the part that’s hardest to understand: For many, suicide isn’t about truly wanting life to end. It’s about wanting the unbearable emotional pain to end. They may feel trapped, powerless, or convinced they’re a burden to the people they love.

How We Respond Matters

If we want to prevent suicide, we have to:

  • Learn the less obvious signs (withdrawing from close friends, sudden calm after distress, giving away possessions, talking about feeling trapped)
  • Ask direct, compassionate questions: “Are you thinking about ending your life?”
  • Listen without judgment or quick fixes
  • Encourage and help connect to professional support

Gentle Truth

Suicide is complex, but the heart of it is pain: emotional, mental, spiritual. When we understand that, we can meet people in their suffering with empathy instead of assumptions.

If You Are Struggling:

You are not a burden. You are not beyond help. Your story isn’t over.
In the U.S., call or text 988 or use Find a Helpline to connect with help wherever you are.

Scripture to Carry: “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

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The Day the World Stopped Turning: A Tribute to LA

Brandi Crum, MA, LMFT

The Day the World Stopped Turning: A Tribute to LA

the day the world stop turning

June 19, 2018. 

That was the day the world stopped turning.

I got the news that my dear friend LA was gone…taken by suicide. I remember where I was, what I was doing, and the way the air seemed to leave the room. Everything slowed down, and yet everything hurt all at once.

LA wasn’t just my friend. She was a light. LA could walk into a room and instantly make it warmer. She had a laugh that felt like home and a way of making people feel seen. LA was the kind of person who could talk to anyone, who made you feel like you mattered.

And yet, beneath her smile and her strength, she was hurting in ways most people never knew.

What We Don’t See

That’s the thing about mental illness. Mental illness doesn’t always look like what we expect.

LA loved deeply. She gave generously. She encouraged others endlessly. But she was carrying pain she didn’t feel safe enough to fully share.

Too often, we assume the strong ones are fine. We assume the ones who make us laugh the hardest are okay. But the truth is, sometimes they’re the ones hurting the most.

Why This Tribute Matters

Talking about suicide can feel uncomfortable, but silence only strengthens stigma. And stigma keeps people from speaking up when they need help most.

By telling LA’s story, I’m not trying to define her by how she died. Honestly, I want to remember her for how she lived. But I also want to remind us all that mental illness is not a moral failing, and suicidal thoughts are not a measure of faith, strength, or worth.

How We Honor LA

We honor her by:

  • Checking on our strong friends, even when they seem fine
  • Asking deeper questions and truly listening
  • Making it safe for people to say, “I’m not okay” without fear of judgment
  • Refusing to reduce someone’s life to their hardest moment

We honor her by breaking the silence, by speaking truth into the darkness, and by telling anyone who needs to hear it: Your life matters. You matter. There is help.

If You Are Struggling

I wish I could go back and tell LA one more time how loved she was. I wish I could have reminded her that this moment, this pain, would not last forever.

If you are reading this and you are hurting, please hear me…you are not a burden. Your story is not over.

Call or text 988 in the U.S., or for outside the US, call this number.

Final Words

LA’s life was a gift. Her absence is a reminder to keep showing up for each other. To speak life into weary hearts. To never assume that a smile means everything is okay.

The day the world stopped turning for me was the day she left it. But I will keep telling her story and not because of how it ended, but because of the love, laughter, and light she brought into it.

Scripture to Carry:
 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”  Psalm 34:18

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What to Say (and Not Say) to Someone Who’s Suicidal

Brandi Crum, MA, LMFT

What to say (and Not Say) to Someone Who’s Suicidal

what to say and not to say to someone who is suicidal

It’s one of the hardest conversations you’ll ever have when you begin realizing someone you love might be thinking about ending their life. You may fear saying the wrong thing, making it worse, or crossing a line.

But here’s the truth: you can’t put the thought in their head by asking. In fact, your willingness to speak up could save their life.

1. Start by Asking Directly

Don’t dance around it. Use clear, compassionate language:

  • “I’ve noticed you’ve seemed really down lately, and I’m worried about you. Are you thinking about hurting yourself?”
  • “It sounds like you’re going through a lot. Have you had any thoughts about ending your life?
  • Avoid vague phrases like “You’re not thinking of doing anything crazy, are you?” This is because they can shut down honesty and add shame.

2. Listen Without Fixing

If they open up, your job isn’t to solve their problems in that moment. Remember, it’s simply to listen.

  • “That sounds really heavy. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way.”
  • “Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me.”
  • “I’m here with you. You don’t have to go through this alone.”

Avoid:

  • “You just need to pray more.”
  • “Other people have it worse.”
  • “But you have so much to be grateful for.”

These responses, even if well-intentioned, can feel dismissive and isolating.

3. Offer Support, Not Just Encouragement

Encouragement is good but action is better.

  • “Can I stay with you for a while?”
  • “Would you like me to go with you to talk to a counselor or pastor?”
  • “Let’s call a crisis line together so you don’t have to do it alone.”

If they’re in immediate danger, stay with them and call 911 or a local crisis line 988.

4. Follow Up

One conversation is not enough. Check in regularly, even if they seem “better.” A text, a call, or a simple “thinking of you” can remind them they matter.

Gentle Truth

You don’t have to have all the answers. You just have to be willing to enter the dark with someone and remind them there’s still light and that you’re willing to help them find it.

National Resources (U.S.)

  • 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988
  • Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
  • Veterans Crisis Line: Call 988, then press 1

If you’re outside the U.S., you can find international hotlines here: Find a helpline

Scripture to Carry:

“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2

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Yes Christians Can Feel Suicidal

Brandi Crum, MA, LMFT

Yes Christians Can Feel Suicidal

Yes Christians can feel suicidal

Too many faith circles still whisper about suicide with shame or avoid talking about it altogether. The silence is deafening for those who are struggling. And because of that silence, many believers suffer in secret.

They wonder:

If I love God, why do I feel this way?
 If I’m truly saved, shouldn’t I have hope?
 Will people think I’m weak or worse, faithless?

Here’s the truth that needs to be said out loud: Yes, Christians can feel suicidal.

Faith and Depression Can Coexist

Your faith in Jesus does not make you immune to mental illness, trauma, or overwhelming despair. We live in a broken world, and our minds and bodies bear the weight of that brokenness.

In Scripture, we see God’s people cry out in deep anguish:

  • Elijah prayed that God would take his life (1 Kings 19:4).
  • David wrote psalms filled with sorrow, fear, and hopelessness.
  • Even Jesus wept in the Garden of Gethsemane, His soul “overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death” (Matthew 26:38).

Feeling suicidal does not mean you’ve lost your faith. It means you’re human and you’re hurting.

Why the Church Must Speak Up

When churches treat mental health struggles as spiritual failures, we add another layer of pain. Stigma keeps people silent. Silence keeps people isolated. And isolation can be deadly.

We need to replace shame with safety. Judgment with listening. Quick fixes with compassion.

A Compassionate Theology of Struggle

  • God’s love is not dependent on your emotional state.
  • Salvation is not erased by your mental health battles.
  • Suffering does not mean you’re outside of God’s care. It means you need His people to surround you with grace and presence.

Romans 8:38-39 reminds us that nothing….not death, life, angels, demons, fears for today, or worries about tomorrow….can separate us from the love of God.

If You’re Struggling Right Now

  • Tell someone safe. A friend, pastor, therapist, or crisis counselor.
  • Stay connected. Isolation fuels hopelessness. Find one person to check in with daily.
  • Remember: This moment is not forever. Your story is still being written.

If you are in crisis, please reach out to the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988. You are not a burden. You are loved.

In too many faith circles, suicide is still whispered about with shame or not talked about at all. The silence is deafening for those who are struggling. And because of that silence, many believers suffer in secret.

They wonder:
If I love God, why do I feel this way?
 If I’m truly saved, shouldn’t I have hope?
 Will people think I’m weak—or worse, faithless?

Here’s the truth that needs to be said out loud: Yes, Christians can feel suicidal.

Gentle Truth

Having faith doesn’t mean you’ll never feel despair. It means that even in your darkest valley, God’s presence goes with you. And sometimes, His comfort comes through the hands, words, and prayers of His people if we’re brave enough to show up for each other.

Scripture to Hold:

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”  Psalm 34:18

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Suicide Awareness – Because Every Life Still Has Worth

Brandi Crum, MA, LMFT

suicide awareness

Suicide Awareness – Because Every Life Still Has Worth

There are moments so heavy that breathing feels like work.
Pain that sits on your chest like a boulder.
Thoughts that whisper, “It would be easier if I weren’t here.”

Whether you’ve felt this pain yourself, walked beside someone who has, or lost someone to suicide—you know how devastating it is.

We don’t talk about it enough.
Not in our churches.
Not in our families.
Not in the open.

But we need to. Because silence kills.

Suicide Isn’t About Attention—It’s About Pain

People don’t want to die—they want the pain to stop.
And when they don’t feel seen, safe, or supported, the lies get louder:

“You’re too much.”
“You’ll never get better.”
“No one would miss you anyway.”

But those are lies.
And sometimes, we just need someone to stand in the gap and say:

You matter.
You are loved.
You are not alone.
And this is not the end.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
— Psalm 34:18 (NIV)

Faith and Mental Health Can Coexist

You can love Jesus and still struggle with depression.
You can believe in healing and still take medication.
You can go to therapy and still pray without ceasing.

Your worth is not based on your strength—it’s rooted in who God says you are.
And even if you feel like a burden, you are a blessing.
Even if you feel broken, you are still here—and that’s holy.

A Gentle Challenge

📝 Try this: Check on your “strong” friend. Reach out to someone you haven’t heard from. And if you’re the one struggling—please tell someone.

You are not weak for asking for help.
You are brave.
You are worth fighting for.

“I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”
— John 10:10 (NIV)

💛 If you or someone you love is struggling with suicidal thoughts—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

📞 Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call or text the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988. You are not alone.

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A Pause for LA – Honoring a Life, Raising Awareness

Brandi C

A Pause for LA – Honoring a Life, Raising Awareness

Before we continue with our journey, I need to pause. This is A Pause for LA – Honoring a Life, Raising Awareness.

Because life isn’t just about what happens to us—it’s about what happens around us. It’s about who we walk alongside. And sometimes… who we lose.

On June 19, 2018, my friend LA died by suicide.
Her absence left a silence that still echoes.

And while my blog series has been about the road through chronic illness, faith, and motherhood—I would be doing her, and so many others, a disservice if I didn’t stop to say this out loud:

Suicide is real. It’s devastating. And it’s not the whole story.

chatgpt image apr 20, 2025, 05 34 39 pm

🕯️ For LA

LA was light. She was fierce, funny, and loved deeply. Also, she was human, she struggled, and she mattered.

So, so much.

If you didn’t know her, you missed out on someone truly extraordinary. And if you did know her, then you know the hole her absence left behind.

I will not let her be remembered only for the way she died. LA deserves to be remembered for the way she lived.

💔 The Truth About Suicide

  • Suicide is the second leading cause of death for people ages 10–34.

  • Most people who die by suicide don’t want to die—they want the pain to stop.

  • Mental illness is not a character flaw or a moral failure.

  • Asking for help is not weakness. It’s strength.

  • Talking about suicide doesn’t cause it. Silence does.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
— Psalm 34:18

🧡 If You’re Struggling

You are not a burden. An you are not beyond help. You are not too broken.

Remember, you are loved.
And you are needed.
You are not alone.

Please, please reach out:

📞 Call or Text 988 – Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
💬 Chat online at 988lifeline.org
📱 Reach out to a friend, a counselor, a pastor—someone you trust.

You don’t have to carry this alone.

💛 If You’ve Lost Someone

To those who’ve lost someone to suicide:
There are no perfect words. No quick comforts.
But there is space here for your grief. And there is no shame in your sorrow.

Your person mattered.
Your grief matters.

And you are not alone either.

🕊️ Heartbeat Moment

We’ll continue H’s story soon. But for today, I just want to say:
If you’re hurting—talk.
And if someone crosses your mind—reach out.
If you see someone struggling—show up.

I believe in a God who is bigger than all of this.
But I also believe in a church, a community, a world that must rise up to meet the hurting—before it’s too late.

This post is for LA.
For the ones we’ve lost.
And for the ones still here.
For the hope that whispers: you are not alone.

“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”
— John 1:5

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

📞 Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

 

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Wrestling with the Darkness

Brandi C

nothing is impossible when you put one foot in front of the other and take a step. (5)

Wrestling with the Darkness: You Are Not Alone

Wrestling with the darkness can be exhausting, especially when you feel alone. The weight of it presses down, making it hard to breathe, hard to think, hard to believe that there is a way forward. You can be in a room full of people—people who love you, people who would do anything to help—but still feel an unexplainable loneliness that wraps around you like a thick fog. That isolation, even in the presence of others, can be suffocating.

And more times than not, that’s when the intrusive thoughts creep in. They don’t always arrive like a sudden storm; sometimes, they come as whispers, subtle at first, then louder, until they take up all the space in your mind. Sometimes, those thoughts are fleeting, passing like clouds. But other times, they settle in, and before you know it, you’ve started to build a tent for them in your head—giving them space to grow, to take root, to become something more dangerous.

If you’ve ever been there, I want you to hear this: You are not alone. I know it might feel like no one understands, like no one truly sees what you’re going through. But I promise you, there are people who care. There are people who will sit in the darkness with you, who will hold your hand, who will remind you that your story is far from over.

When the thoughts become too heavy to carry alone, please, reach out. It doesn’t make you weak. Honestly, it doesn’t mean you are a burden. It means you are human, and humans are not meant to suffer in silence. If you feel like you don’t have anyone in your immediate circle who you can trust, there is still help available. You can call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, where trained professionals will listen—truly listen—and help you find the light again.

The darkness lies to you. It tells you that you don’t matter, that you are not enough, that the pain will never end. But that is not the truth. The truth is that you are enough. You are worthy. Your presence in this world is meaningful. And even if right now you can’t see a way forward, I promise you—there is one. There is always one.

I know the fight is hard. I know the weight is unbearable at times. But please, don’t give up. Keep holding on. Your story is not done being written. There are still pages to turn, chapters to unfold, moments of joy that you haven’t even imagined yet. And someday, you will look back and be so glad that you stayed.

You are not alone, you are loved, and YOU matter. Please reach out. ❤️

Reach Out

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

📞 Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

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Don’t Quit Just Do It

Brandi C

Don’t Quit Just Do It

premium photo 1694743671394 60034a1b2f65

There are days when I am done. Done. DONE. I’ve had all I can stand and I simply can’t take anymore. I’m good until I’m not. Over the years of struggling with depression, I can typically feel myself sliding down the mountain into the pit. I know my traumaversary dates and in those times, I give myself grace. However, last year slapped me upside the head, held me upside down, shook all my innards out, and left me alone.

It’s amazing how you can be surrounded by people who love you and still feel so unimaginably alone. I think it surprised me that it wasn’t a gentle descension down that mountain. It was more like, you are walking up the mountain, on a treadmill cause I have never reached the top, and all of the sudden I am underneath a heap of rubble with only a penlight and no oxygen. I was trapped, in my own mind, which is not a good thing sometimes.

I wanted to quit but instead of running my mouth, ruining things further, I isolated (not good) but in that isolation, I turned to the Word, praise music, hot showers, laying with my head under the covers, got a therapist (hey, we all need one), and I have consciously remembered to inhale/exhale every single day. Am I better? Yes but not 100% by any stretch.

Will I get better?

Yes because I’m working hard at being vulnerable and transparent. Does this mean I don’t love Jesus and my salvation isn’t real? I’ve been told that. If I loved Jesus more, went to church more, prayed more, read the Word more, I wouldn’t be depressed. Newsflash. I love Jesus. I have a mansion waiting for me in heaven.

We also live in a fallen world where the prince of darkness tries to steal, kill, and destroy people and families. God is bigger. He is bigger now and forever. I have read the last page of the Good Book and guess what? God wins and since I am His and He is mine, I win. You are loved. No matter what anyone says (even if that anyone means you saying it to yourself), you are worthy. You are enough. Please, if you ever feel like you can’t make it another day, reach out to a pastor, counselor, friend, call 911 or better yet, call 988 that is the new suicide prevention hotline and someone answers the phone 24/7. You are worth living!

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

📞 Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

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When the Silence is Deafening

Brandi C

When the Silence is Deafening

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When silence becomes deafening, emotions can shift from moment to moment. Some days, it feels like they change by the minute. Lately, the silence has been so loud that I can’t hear myself think. It’s like when my aunt can’t smell anything because the noise around her is too overwhelming—strange, isn’t it? Even as I write this, I’m reflecting on how I got here.

On Juneteenth, my friend took her last breath here on earth. In July, my sweet granny passed away. Then, one year to the date after my granny’s death, my father-in-law died. My Lady’s birthday falls in July, but her death anniversary is on October 1st. A friend celebrated her birthday on October 6th, but she passed away on October 15th a few years ago. Although these deaths happened years ago, they feel like they just occurred yesterday.

In a crisis, I tend to be focused—quiet, but focused. I do what needs to be done, helping where I can. But it’s during the stillness of the night, when I’m not juggling multiple tasks, that everything shifts. It’s when I allow myself to be still that the grief and pain I’ve buried deep inside begin to surface.

I don’t like the silence.

It’s in that silence when I realize how much hurt and grief I’ve been holding in. My greatest fear is that if I stop, if I let myself feel, I’ll start crying and never stop. It’s difficult for me to reach out and be vulnerable, to cry in front of someone. I fear judgment, explaining myself, or making the pain I’ve held in feel too real once I speak it aloud.

Not long ago, I reached out to a friend. It felt strange. I had been alone that night, crying for hours. Then, I stopped and dialed her number. She’s the one person who rarely answers because she’s a busy mom with her own life, so I assumed she wouldn’t answer.

She answered.

No words came out of my mouth. All I did was cry. She listened and she didn’t ask questions or offer “it’ll be okay” statements. Honestly, she just listened to me cry. Afterward, I managed to say the many things that had been plaguing my heart. I didn’t want her to fix anything; I knew she couldn’t. All I needed was for her to listen and love me, without any judgment or unsolicited advice.

October 1st was another difficult day. I made it to work for about two hours before I couldn’t go any further. I left, called my mom, and pretended everything was fine, but she knew. She always knows. I kept the conversation together and then came home and slept.

Off to the Hills

I spent the rest of the day crying off and on, then called my mom again, asking if I could come over. She was busy but said she’d be home soon and I could come over then. I got in the car, feeling like I couldn’t breathe or hold it together. I told my husband I was leaving, not knowing when or if I’d be back that night.

It was a beautiful evening, so I rolled the windows down and drove. In the past, when we lived in our old house, I would go on drives like this to clear my head. There was no pressure to be a wife or a mom. I’d drive for hours, seeing new places, exploring new roads. Sometimes, a kid would join me, and we’d go on adventures. Once, I ended up in Dukedom, TN.

Visiting Granny

On that particular night, I drove on unfamiliar roads and ended up near Lovelaceville—close to my granny’s house. I took the “old way” and passed by the new houses. The familiar music stirred my emotions, and I cried even harder. Memories flooded back of driving down that road with her. My mind was a mess, and my body couldn’t hold back the tears.

I ended up at the cemetery where my granny, grandfather, uncle, aunt, and cousin are buried. I hadn’t been there in a long time. My heart longed for her presence—the wisdom she offered, the laughter she shared, the way she could solve my problems with a game of Scrabble, some juicy fruit gum, and a surprise bowl of ice cream.

Cortisol Break

I’m in the middle of a “cortisol break” as I sit here, tears dripping down my face. It’s a moment where the weight of everything comes rushing in, and I need time to collect myself.

I’ve been working through this for days, writing down my feelings. Right now, I’m listening to Made for More while holding onto the baby blanket my granny made for me. It’s my comfort—a kind of emotional support quilt. It’s full of holes, tears, and stains, but it’s mine. It makes me feel loved. It’s incredible how an object can do that.

Deafening Silence

The silence is the hardest part for me. It’s when the noise fades that the unresolved grief starts to surface. When my granny passed, I had just gained custody of two kids, only to lose her and them shortly after. When my father-in-law died, we hadn’t spoken for six months due to a misunderstanding. After LA passed, I couldn’t go to her funeral because my son needed chemotherapy. When my Lady died, my son was struggling with OMS, and my dad had a stroke, so I couldn’t process her death. And when Donna passed, that night was filled with pain in more ways than one.

There’s so much I’ve never processed, and the recent losses only add to it. If I could just trust in God’s faithfulness, maybe this pain wouldn’t feel so overwhelming. I know His word is true, and I do believe in it. But in my life, I struggle to see hope. I feel trapped, like I’m walking through mud. It’s hard to see a way out. If I don’t allow myself to feel, to sit in the silence and process, I don’t know what will happen. Maybe I’ll implode.

“Made For More”
(feat. Jenn Johnson)

I know who I am ’cause I know who You are.
The cross of salvation was only the start.
Now I am chosen, free and forgiven.
I have a future and it’s worth the living’.
Cause I wasn’t made to be tending a grave.
I was called by name.
Born and raised back to life again.
I was made for more.
So why would I make a bed in my shame.
When a fountain of grace is running my way.
I know I am Yours
And I was made for more.

Oh hallelujah.
You called out my name.
So I’ll sing out Your praise.
Hallelujah.
You buried my past
And I’m not going back.

 

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

📞 Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

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Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

In the Still of the Night The Monster Comes to Play

Brandi C

In the Still of the Night The Monster Comes to Play

In the Still of the Night, The Monster Comes to Play

The Monster in the Silence

I love the time of day when I can go upstairs and just be. For the day, I am done. I am done with work, cooking, cleaning, putting out fires, phone calls, texts, and all the other things that demand my attention. My stuff, a bottle of water, and my Coke come upstairs with me. I turn on all the fans, dim the lights, wash my face, and pile up in bed. Yet, in the still of the night, the monster comes to play. For a while, I am okay, but then my mind begins to wander. A wandering mind is never a good thing for me.

The Silence

My life is SO loud. My son is a chatterbox, people at work, the lights, traffic—just all the things. I stopped listening to music in the house (or car); the television is rarely on. Even chewing can grind my gears. Everything is loud. At night, though, aside from the fans, it’s silent, except for the thoughts in my head.

These thoughts aren’t good. In the past, I would watch the Detail Geek (the car detailing guy from Canada) and talk to a sweet friend. We’d chat through his details, laugh, and catch up on life. We’d talk about our issues, the issues with our children, and all the things. It was good to have that voice in my ear, even when we sat in silence. This became a nightly ritual that I came to enjoy.

Since she passed away, I stopped watching him. I get so emotional when I do. Then, I go to pick up the phone and realize she isn’t there. There’s that realization that most of the people I held dear to my heart have passed. I still have people I can call, but we are all in the thick of life. Without that calm, consistent voice, the unresolved trauma of life and loss floods me with grief because now I’m left with just myself and my thoughts.

Reality

When my friend’s daughter died (we were good friends before her mom and I became friends), I didn’t process her death for a year. Her death was so hard on me. I loved LA from the moment I met her until the moment we buried her. Donna and I were always close, but after LA’s passing, our bond became unbreakable.

There’s one night that stands out, and I still remember it vividly. I called Donna because my thoughts were so loud, and I was finally processing LA’s death. Here I am, crying so hard that I couldn’t breathe, and Donna, who had lost her daughter, comforted me. She couldn’t understand me through my sobs, but finally, she told me to stop crying and tell her two things that made me laugh when I thought of LA.

Bats. Hair dye.
Instantly, I stopped crying. I replayed that story over and over in my head. The darkness began to have a bit of light, and the monster retreated for a moment. But now, Donna is gone, and so is LA. I don’t have anyone to tell that story to. So, once again, the monster comes out to play in the stillness of the night. When I am alone with my own thoughts, the depression begins to overwhelm me.

Bats. Hair dye.
Bats. Hair dye.
Monsters go away because I do not want to play. LA’s birthday is coming up soon, and I often think of her children. I’m still in communication with them, but if it’s this hard for me, I can’t imagine what it’s like for them. Their pain is so deep, with so much loss at such a young age.

Cancer, Suicide, and Depression

Cancer is cruel, and it took Donna way too quickly. From diagnosis to her death was only nine days. You know what’s worse? Suicide. Please know that you are enough, you are worthy, you are loved, and life is better with you in it! Please reach out to a friend, pastor, counselor, therapist, or call 911 or 988, the National Suicide Hotline number.

Whereas Donna passed quickly from cancer, LA struggled with mental illness and made a choice that forever impacted all those who loved her. She has been on my mind a lot lately, especially with her birthday on the 14th and her death day on June 17th.

There are things that can help—counseling, fresh air, prayer, talking to someone, eating protein, drinking water, practicing self-care, reading, and many more. These things can help take your mind off of your current circumstances and focus on more positive things.

Please, reach out! You are loved.

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The Ghost from Juneteenth Past

Brandi C

The Ghost from Juneteenth Past

The Ghost from Juneteenth Past
Photo by Vie Studio on Pexels.com

Trigger warning If you or someone you know has struggled with suicidal ideations or attempts, please refrain from reading this content. Seek help! “Today, “988” is the three-digit, nationwide phone number to connect directly to the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. By calling or texting 988, you’ll connect with mental health professionals from the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, formerly known as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Veterans can press “1” after dialing 988 to connect directly to the Veterans Crisis Lifeline, serving our nation’s Veterans, service members, National Guard, and Reserve members, and those who support them. For texts, Veterans should continue to text the Veterans Crisis Lifeline short code: 838255.”

Juneteenth

When you hear the phrase “Juneteenth,” what comes to mind? For some, it might be a day of little significance. For others, it is a deeply revered and celebrated day. According to Wikipedia, “Juneteenth, also known as Freedom Day, Jubilee Day, and Cel-Liberation Day, is an American holiday celebrated on June 19. On June 19, 1865, the Emancipation Proclamation, which had been issued on January 1, 1863, was read to enslaved African Americans in Texas by Gordon Granger.” That is a monumental moment in history! For me, I celebrate it, knowing what it means to my son, my nephews, and those I love. However, Juneteenth is also a dark day for me personally.

Loss and Grief

On June 19th, my friend passed away. LA was a firecracker. She was loud, her laugh could fill a room, and she loved her kids fiercely. LA was a fighter, loved by many, yet at times, she didn’t feel that love. She struggled with guilt and addiction. LA loved Jesus, her dad’s mini pecan pies, her children, her dogs, rabbits, and that smelly turtle in a tank. I loved her so very much.

Grief ebbs and flows. There are times when grief is so thick you can hardly breathe, and other times, you learn to live life again—until the nightmares come, rocking you to your core. Lately, I’ve had fleeting memories that make me smile, and the nightmares have mostly subsided.

The Ghost of Juneteenth

Today, as I walked into the clinic, I was greeted by the beautiful, smiling faces of people I’ve come to love. These faces are full of joy, hope, some sadness, and a lot of grit and determination. As I scanned the room, my eyes landed on a new face.

I caught myself inhaling sharply. The woman in front of me was dressed head-to-toe in hot pink—her hair, her eyes, her clothes, her voice—it was all LA. I swallowed hard and took a seat next to a familiar face while I gathered myself. I decided to take charge of the situation and avoided making eye contact for the rest of the day.

After finishing my rounds, I pulled the new person aside. We walked outside to get some fresh air. I sat mostly in silence as we spent time together, but toward the end, I felt myself choking up, overwhelmed with a sense of love and protection for her. In that moment, she hugged me so tightly, and we both began to sob. She couldn’t control her sobs, and I let mine flow too.

In That Moment

That moment brought me back to the slab where my friend lay, and I found myself wiping the dirt off her body. I was brushing and braiding her hair, speaking to her softly, telling her how worthy and loved she was. On June 19th, 2018, I was preparing her for her mother, brother, and children to see her one last time.

Today, in that room, I felt like I was hugging her again, weeping for her and with her, telling her she was worthy and loved. I longed to hold her longer, to tell her more about her children and grandchildren, but I remembered this wasn’t my LA.

The Lord has stirred up my grief, and I know I’ll need to confront this over the next month. During this time, I pray for healing—for my mind and my heart. I also pray for comfort for her children, brother, and grandchildren. I pray that I can make a difference in someone else’s life through this process.

Remembering

LA, I loved you fiercely in life, and I love you still. I’m so sorry that you felt alone and unloved in those final moments. I close my eyes, and I can still see your smile. Honestly, I can smell your hair, your fresh tattoo, and the detergent on your clothes. I can still hear the voices of your children, mom, and brother on that day. They loved you so much, and they still do. You are worthy, you are loved, and the world was better because you were in it.

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The Reality of my Nightmare

Brandi C

The Reality of my Nightmare

In The Reality of my Nightmare, my guest blogger writes about her interpretation of the trials that surrounded her. She writes it as if she were me. I read it the morning of my friend’s funeral. She is pretty spot on in all that she said.

The Reality of my Nightmare

Writing this seems like a nightmare

I am waiting to wake up from this nightmare because of how real it feels. But when I open my eyes, it will all go away. No. This nightmare is real. I can’t believe this is happening to me. Why? Why me? What did I do wrong to cause these people to knock on my door? Who has been watching me and observing my every movement? 

I am afraid

Afraid to raise my voice even the slightest bit because someone might be watching. Also, I am scared to take my child to the other room for fear that someone might think I will punish them. Afraid to go out in public with my child for fear that someone will judge me the wrong way and call them again. Why me? 

Raising Kids

Raising kids is hard, especially 7 of them. They are all so different in so many ways. Yet, I would not change a single hair on their head because I love them so much. I love my kids with every fiber of my being. I would gladly take any strife or burdens off their shoulders. I will put them on my own if it helps them and their future. 

My kids are special.

Some have mentally challenging issues. Then, others have some physical problems that need my constant attention. Being a mom is hard. It is tiring even. Yet, I am glad God chose these beautiful children to be mine. 

I love fiercely and will do anything in my power to protect them from the world and its temptations. Sometimes, I help others before I think about myself and my needs. I have run ragged, going in different directions to help those in need as God calls me to do. Honestly, I try to open myself up to other moms in various clubs and organizations my kids participate. I try to help them and converse with them when they need a friend or a shoulder to cry on. 

But You

You took care of my child when he played sports on your team. He became best friends with your kids. I thought you loved him like one of your own. He stayed at your house and slept over so many nights. Every time, he had a blast when he came home beaming from ear to ear. He would tell me all about how fun it is at your house. 

Invitation then Betrayal

I invited you into my home, which we manage to keep clean amongst the chaos of having multiple children and animals in the house. And yet, you betrayed my trust by calling them. Why? Why me? 

You know my child is well-fed. We give him clothes and things to toys. Furthermore, we keep him involved in sports. Importantly, we teach him the love of Jesus in everything we do. We fight for him daily because he is different. And that’s okay because I love him so much.

How Would You Feel

You are a mother with kids of your own. How would you feel if someone called them? They showed up at your doorstep asking to be invited in. Then ask you probing questions about your home and relationships with your kids? And what if you found out that it was a supposed “friend” who called them on you. 

How would you feel? 

Betrayed? 

Confused? 

I should hope so. 

That is how I felt. 

Terrifying Agony

The terrifying agony that my kids could be ripped away from me with no warning. Sadly, the wailing and uncontrollable sobbing happened in my car when I got the call. My heart can’t take it anymore. I am so tired of having to justify myself to these people. Justify every action that I do and every word that comes out of my mouth. 

How would you feel? 

Would you demand an explanation from your “friend” and say some nasty things to them in retaliation? Would you constantly look over your shoulder to make sure no one was watching you if you ever had to punish your child in public? Or are you one of those parents letting their children run amuck and do whatever they want? 

Either way, I want you to know that it is understandable if you did not know the family or had never been in their home and seen how the family operates. It would be understandable if you didn’t know my son or me. 

But you did know us. 

I was at every game. I talked to you all the time. And yet, you still called. I could trust you. You have betrayed my trust. But I choose to let God be in control of my situation. I prefer to let God judge your actions when you get to Heaven instead of judging you, which I am not called to do. 

Honestly, I choose to love like Jesus with skin on and be the city on a hill for you. I prefer to let God listen to my sorrowful prayers and collect my tears in a jar. Furthermore, I choose to let God pick me up and comfort me because he knows I am the mom He called me to be. I am not perfect. But God does not call us to be perfect. He calls us to be his disciples and to love our neighbor in his word. 

My house may be messy sometimes, and my kids may drive me crazy most days, but in what reality is home always tidy and the kids always clean and well-behaved? I would love to meet those people and that family. 

Haven’t you ever made a mistake as a parent? 

Because if you say no, that is a bold-faced lie. We fail daily at things. The key is learning from those mistakes, moving on, and leaving the past behind us. Those failures are also successes. I have put several of my kids through a full education (and I have homeschooled them for many years as well). Two of them graduated with honors, which is a huge accomplishment.

Mama Pride

One of my kids is married with a baby on the way. I could not be happier for my sweet child. My smallest child is excelling at what doctors told us would be impossible. Yet, with me by his side, he has survived those odds. 

The moments of pride I feel for the children I raised surpass the moments of sadness I think when things like this happen. I choose to find the beauty in the ashes. I will stand tall and not be shaken by people’s opinions of my family and me.

My Choices

So I will also choose to continue to stand by my children and attend every activity, club, and sporting event they are in. And if you other moms judge me or whisper tall tales about me that are not even true, I will smile and turn the other cheek as God has called me to, even if it is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Cruelty of Others

People can be so cruel nowadays, and they always look at the plank in someone else’s eye rather than focusing on the speck of dirt in their eye. Words can slice through a person and bring them down when we should be standing together as moms and supporting one another rather than bringing them down and jumping to conclusions by calling the organization before they have the facts straight. 

No, we moms are not perfect. But we are doing the best we can with the circumstances we are currently in and the children with whom the Lord has blessed us. I will continue to be the city on a hill and shine my light bright for my kids and you. 

And I know deep down in my heart that God will be pleased with my strength and integrity, and when I get to Heaven, He will say, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” I can not wait for that day to come. 

In the meantime

I will continue to be the most fantastic mom to my kids and a faithful spouse to my husband. I am showing them the light of God. Continuing to shield them from the world will be a lifelong journey, but I would not change one thing about it, not for you or any other mom who says a spiteful word towards me. 

I will pray for you even though it is painful. Because in my darkest moments, I cling to Jesus the most, and when my faith is tested, I come out stronger than ever because my Redeemer is with me. No more hiding. No more fear. I will not be afraid. 

 

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

LA Came in Like a Tornado

Brandi C

LA Came in Like a Tornado

Leigh Ann Came in Like a Tornado

Ten years ago, I met a brassy blond girl at a ballpark. She had a crass mouth and a nasty smoking habit. She was loud and obnoxious. A person people moved away from when they saw her. She did not dress the part, talk the part, and certainly did not behave the part of what society deems “normal.” 

Yet, I was drawn to her. I saw myself in her—the girl that no one wanted to be friends with, the outcast. I have a deep love for those who seem unlovable. I see through the facade of what someone presents. I see their heart—that deep desire to fit in, yet the complete inability to do so.

Seeing a Bit of Jesus in Her

In my mind, I can close my eyes and see all the bright dots of Jesus throughout her. I just knew when those dots connected; she would be an unstoppable force of nature for the Kingdom.

I fell in love with this girl, her children, her brother, and her parents. We were a tight-knit group of misfits. I was blessed to be able to lead her to Christ one spring day. After she accepted Christ, I gave her a hot pink Bible. It was her favorite color. She loved Jesus with all her heart.

Mental Illness

She also struggled with mental illness. Despite her love for Jesus, she had good days and bad days. What bonded us was that I, too, suffer from mental illness. I have clinical depression. She had onset bipolar disorder. 

One thing I want you all to hear is that you can still love Jesus without abandon and still struggle with different types of mental illness. That does not mean you love Him less than someone who does not struggle.

How Did She Change My World?

She taught me how to accept those who were not “normal.” Also, she taught me to walk towards the waves instead of away from them. Live life without fear of abandonment and to hell what people thought of you.

Did I change her world? I hope I did. She made me a better person, and I hope I had some effect on her. Her mom always said that I did. I sure do love her children and now grandchildren. We were good for each other, for the most part.

Does it Change the World to Stand in the Gap?

Yes, it does the world when you brush and braid a friend’s hair for the last time? Also, when you begin painting her nails and toenails her favorite color? Does it change the world to wipe the ants off of her body while you are bathing her? What about closing her eyes for the last time?

Yes, it does change the world. It changed for LA’s children, her mother, and her brother. It also changed me and it showed me what the phrase “be Jesus with skin on” really means. Sacrificial love and service for her and her family.

LA, you are loved, thought of, and missed daily.

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Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Lockup: Extended Stay

Brandi C

Lockup: Extended Stay

Lockup: Extended Stay

In Lockup: Extended Stay, I just completed a four-day stay in the hospital because of my mental health. I am not ashamed to say that’s why I was in the hospital. I needed help, and I can admit that now.

Things have been bad for me for basically a month, and I had nothing left to give. It started with me realizing that even though I had forgiven myself for my brother’s death, it didn’t make it any less painful than I was expecting. I thought that if I had forgiven myself, the hole in my heart wouldn’t feel as big.

Trauma Relived

On top of that, I have started remembering things from ten years ago, which just hasn’t worked out in my favor. I also had anxiety about what to do with the information I remembered. Do I report this even if it may ruin my family?

Do I report it even if I will have no biological family afterward? The decision was made for me. Now I’m dealing with the anxiety of waiting to hear from the police. Every time the phone rings, it’s like my world stops. I start shaking, and I get nauseous. I hate this feeling.

First Few Nights

My first few nights at the hospital were very lonely. I didn’t even start to make friends until the night before I left. Even though, I only knew those people for a short time, but they made a massive impact on me. I can’t help but think about where they are in the world.

Did Katie and Michaela get out today? What about Jamie’s mom? Did she ever pick him up from the hotel room? The other Katie, did she get the Job she interviewed for right after she got out? Did the girl with super long hair throw a chair through the window? Where are they now? Are they doing okay?

Dawn, the Night Nurse

My night nurse made the most significant impact on me. Dawn deserves a raise because she doesn’t make enough money for what she does. From the moment I met her, she was nothing but caring. The nurse answered any question I had. She got me food from the fridge when I was too anxious to do it myself. She treated me like I was her child.

On my last night there, she shared something with me that she had never shared with anyone. I won’t say what it was because that’s not my story to share, but it made me believe that I could talk to the police. I am strong enough to get through this.

Home Now

Now that I’m out, I feel like there’s this pressure that I have to be good now. Like I feel like I can’t be anxious or depressed. Don’t get me wrong, I am the best I have ever been, but it’s still not great if that makes sense. The bar was literally on the floor before now. I now appreciate the people around me a little more.

Looking back, I know I wouldn’t have made it through the past month without them. That’s not something I’ve been shy about, either. I’m so grateful to Bart (you guys may know him as “Big Daddy”) and Brandi. They have completely changed my life. I love them wholeheartedly, and I could never thank them enough for what they’ve done for me.

Guest Blogger

This was written by one of my favorite people. She is so precious to my soul. I am so encouraged by the strength it took for her to admit that something was not quite right. There have been so many days and nights that I have seen her struggle to maintain. The dam broke. Without the help of her medical provider, his nurse, and my son, she would have never had the strength to stand up for herself. She would have never sought the help that she needed.

Since doing that, it was discovered that she has Serotonin Syndrome. Many symptoms range from excessive sweating to goosebumps. All of this is caused by an accumulation of serotonin. Antidepressants cause some your body produces and some.

Thankfully, she is on the proper medication. She was on too many SSRIs and has completely leveled out. There is no shame in getting help. Had she not gotten the help she needed, she would have never discovered the meds to help her were hurting her.