In The Real Truth About Death and Grief, my guest blogger goes through her emotions of losing her brother at a very young age. The loss of a sibling is devastating to the other children, as well as, the parents. It is unimaginable pain that lingers for so very long.
Dearest Z,
A kid my age I knew from school came in, and he reminds me so much of you. He has something wrong with him medically, and he walks just like you did when you got sick. I saw him, and that made a bad day worse. Seriously, I wanted to give him a big hug. Then, I tried to crawl under the register and cry. I miss you so much. It has been five years. I can’t believe it. You deserve to be here, bub. I think that you would be married with a family now. You would be a good dad.
Honest Prayer
I prayed to God every night for years that it was me instead of you. Honestly, I prayed that I could take all your pain away. I wanted to make you better, and I couldn’t. That seems to be a recurring theme in my life. I joke about you being dead, but that’s how I cope with you being gone.
I’m sorry we left you with mom. I’m sorry I didn’t stay with you that last year. I would have gone through whatever Tim threw at me to be with you last year. Mom told me about how you asked for me every day after your seizure, and that story hurts my heart. She told me about how you thought you saw me running around the foot of your bed every night before you went to bed. I am sorry I wasn’t there for that. I wish I were there to be running around your bed.
Life isn’t the same without you. I missed your voice, hugs, and yelling at me when I tried to help you walk. Honestly, I miss you, dude. You were a light to anyone who knew you, and I miss your presence.
Thankful
Today, I am thankful for the beginning of healing. I have an awareness of where healing needs to happen. Also, I know the route that must be taken to walk through the pain that leads to healing.
My guest blogger writes a letter to her mom. She is working through How to Separate the Good Mom from the Bad Mom. Her path of healing has been long and arduous. She is wading through the good memories and the bad. Right now, sadly, bad memories are more prevalent. I pray that one day, she will remember the good memories she had with her mom. Somehow, someway, it makes the bad memories more bearable.
My Dearest Mother,
My Dearest Mother, you have caused me so much pain for the past ten years. I cannot count how many times I have laid in bed at night and cried because of you. Sadly, I have cried because I was not good enough for you. I have cried because, at times, I have needed you most, but you were not here. Also, I have cried because I cannot call you when I have had a hard day at work or school. It is frustrating that you are so thickheaded that you cannot see what you did wrong. I have written you numerous letters hoping they would somehow reach you and you would come to your senses.
Spoiler alert, you have not.
For years, I walked on eggshells to ensure I did not hurt your feelings. At this point, I do not care. I am fed up with the lies you feed everyone. Imagine saying that your eleven-year-old daughter made up a story about how you locked your sick son up in his bedroom and would not give him food. Like, I did not just wake up one day and say, ‘Hm, I think I want to make up this lie and make my mom look bad today.’ Imagine trying to blame you and your husband’s actions on CHILDREN. Honestly, I have not asked you for much, just for you to admit what you did and apologize.
I know that is something I will never get.
Once, you told me you were raising us how you wanted to be treated. That does not make sense to me. Who wants to be sexually abused by their stepfather for years? Because I certainly did not. I did not want him to watch me every time I took a shower. Also, I did not want him to watch me get dressed. I did not want him to put his hand on my butt whenever I stood remotely close to him.
Furthermore, I did not want him to take my sister and me to the garage that day and assault us. I did not wish for all this trauma you gave me. All I wanted was a mother.
At this point
I do not even wonder what my life would be like had you not met my stepdad because it tends to hurt my feelings. Why wasn’t I good enough for you? Honestly, why? Why? Just why? I have so many questions for you, and I know I will not get a single answer. All I want is a mom. Someone to look out for me, give me advice, and most importantly, I want to experience a mother’s love.
Every night, when I pray, I pray that I am not like you. I pray that I never cause my children pain. Also, I pray that my kids will NEVER lay in bed at night crying because they feel I do not love them. I will be nothing like you, and that is a promise. Maybe you will come to your senses one day, but that is doubtful.
Memories with My Mom. My earliest memories of my mom are when she would rock me and sing silly old songs that would make me giggle. We would play hide and seek, sit outside on the glider, and swing for a long time.
We had snuggled in the bed, played with Barbie dolls, or watched me dress up about a million times just because she wanted to. We rode our bikes down the dead-end street and the car rides we would take to Granny’s or Jojo’s house.
I love my mom.
She is the best kind of mom a kid could have. My mom and dad were strict, but they made rules up for me to keep us in a structured house, and we always managed to have fun. She always took me to church on Sundays and AWANA on Wednesdays; she homeschooled us for the longest time, which I know at times must have been challenging for her with three kids.
We would always do fun things together as a family and were all close. My mom always opened her home and heart to foster children and kids that we eventually adopted into our family, which caused us to grow in numbers.
My Thoughts
I must have made my mom’s life challenging because I was a considerably difficult child. There were a lot of things wrong in my life. Our relationship has hit lots of bumps in the road. I am very stubborn and unwilling to try new things because I am always afraid I will mess it up and embarrass myself.
She gave me so many things that I asked for (begged for) without hesitation because she knew I wanted them. I never truly appreciated all of her wisdom and knowledge because I always think my way is best, and I know what I am doing is right.
So many mistakes.
I have made so many mistakes. I have hurt my mother on more than one occasion, yet she still loves me and still forgives me. No matter what. I love my mom. I love her kind and gentle soul. Her willingness to help others at moments of notice. The way she cooks with love and affection (she is the most fantastic cook). She is still in love with my dad after years of marriage. She still loves me even after all that I have put her through.
So many tears.
I can still see the look on her face when I told her I screwed up again. She gave me so many chances that I honestly did not deserve. She has been there for me through joyous occasions, heartbreak, funny moments, and moments of pride when I accomplish something the right way.
Communication
She has helped me learn how to communicate. To use my words even though that is sometimes very hard for me. Sometimes, I do not know how to articulate times properly. She has been there for me through my depression and anxiety. Honestly, I do not know how to handle it properly yet. She has been there for me throughout my whole school education. Also, she has supported me during the most challenging moments of college. She is the best person. Even if she says she isn’t, she is.
Strength
I do not care what she says. She is an excellent mother who does her best under certain circumstances that are out of her control. We are the very definition of a blended family. We have all kinds of mental health problems, physical problems, trauma, etc. And she is so graceful in dealing with everything she has dealt with in the past.
Hindsight is 20/20
I wish I were not the cause of some of her heartache. Also, I hope I had just listened to her instead of trying to do things my way. I wish that I had not asked for all of those things just because I wanted them. Honestly, I have prayed so hard that our relationship would be strengthened. At that moment, I vowed that I would always be honest and communicate with her whenever she asked, even if it was hard for me.
Answered Prayers
I have admitted some things to her that I can not even accept about myself. We have been open with each other, and we have gotten so much closer than we used to be, which I am so thankful for. God answered my prayers. I am gaining wisdom from her, and my communication has improved with time and patience.
She is my rock and the one person I can trust never to judge me. I know she loves me with all of her heart, and I know that she prays for me every night. I can only hope that one day I will be like her. She is an amazing person.
Mom, I love you more than words can even describe.
I am so blessed and thankful that God chose you and Dad to be my parents. I am so sorry for all the times I made you cry over me. I am grateful for all the times you have been there for me, the times you have forgiven me, and the times that you have extended grace towards me. You inspire me with your strength every day.
Mom, you are always the one to go without hesitation to help us kids. Lately, to sit with us in the hospital for days on end. You have such a giving soul. I have seen it through the relationships and friendships that you have had in the past. I can only hope that one day I will be like you.
Thank You
Thank you for everything you have done for me and what you continue to do for me every day. You are a gift and a treasure, and I will love you for the rest of my days on Earth. Know your worth (like you tell me every day). Know how much of a blessing you are to your family and friends because of your giving heart.
My guest blogger wants to step back in time and parent that child who was abused and never truly parented. She wants that little girl to know that what is happening is wrong and that she is not at fault. What a beautiful way to begin the healing process.
Sarah,
I have written numerous letters to others who have significantly hurt me, but I have yet to write a letter to the person I feel has hurt me the most.
That person is me.
For years I have “punished” myself for things that were not my fault. It has been hard to remember that when bad things were happening to me, I was between the ages of 7 and 11. I have blamed myself for years for the people around me dying. I have blamed myself for not being there for them while they die. Like, for goodness sake, Sarah, you were like 9. It is not your responsibility to take care of people who are dying.
Changes
When my dad divorced for a second time, we had just moved, and we were tight on money. It is not that my dad was not making enough. It was because he gave his ex-wife a good chunk of his money. So, I started skipping meals to ensure everyone had enough to eat. When I ate, my brother would comment on my weight or how much I was eating. I stopped eating for weeks and started working six days a week.
After over a year of doing that
I finally realized that it wasn’t my responsibility to ensure everyone ate. It was my father’s, and he was incredibly absent then. So I slowly started eating again. I have better eating habits now, but I still have days when I feel I shouldn’t be eating. To this day, if I have to get weighed, I can’t look at the scale because If I see what it says, I will spiral.
Absent Parent
Around that same time, my dad was incredibly absent. All of the cooking, cleaning, and children became my responsibility. I was the parent in the household. I juggled all of my duties at home, schoolwork, and band.
The only thing I remember from this period of my life is being incredibly exhausted. It was at this time sister would hardly sleep. And she became violent. So I would wake up at three in the morning to her punching me in the face or pulling my hair. I remember the countless morning of me just crying because I was so tired and in pain.
That was a super dark time in my life.
This was the beginning of a super dark time for me. I had zero will to live. I didn’t care what happened to me. Honestly, I wish this part of my story had a happier ending, but I’m still learning that Madison isn’t my child or my responsibility.
I feel guilty when I go out while she’s at the house. Also, I feel anxious that something terrible will happen to her while I am gone. I feel like I have been better about leaving her home, so that is a step in the right direction.
The Shooting
Then, I guess the last piece of this story is about the shooting. I remember that morning going into the band room with my friends. I stood across the room from him and just stared at him. The atmosphere that morning felt off.
I used to blame myself for not talking to him that morning. I used to think that he wouldn’t have killed two people if I had just talked to him. That was his choice, not mine. It’s not my fault. It’s not my fault. It is not my fault. After a while of repeating that to myself, I finally believed it.
Being who I am that I do not have many friends. It is hard for me to open up to other people because of how often I have been used. Also, for being backstabbed by these so-called “friends.” My circle of friends is tiny due to this issue I have had in the past.
I have maybe four close friends who care about me and my well-being. I would do anything for them. Honestly, I am loyal to the end. I find it hard to let go, especially when potential long-lasting friendships end. I also tend to take on my friends’ problems. Sadly, I claim that I am the cause of their issues. I will just as quickly take the blame for everything rather than have them take responsibility.
This One “Friend”
This one “friend” is currently my co-worker and, unfortunately, my neighbor. The first night shift we worked together, we instantly clicked. We became comfortable with each other, which is incredibly rare for me. As the days went on, we constantly texted about work and life. We would hang out at my place and watch movies on our days off. His friends and family became comfortable with me as we continued to hang out. Working together was a blast since we got along, and the kids enjoyed it when we both worked on the same day.
Tragic Event
He was always there for me when I needed him. There was a massive party at the apartment where I used to live. There were easily at least 200+ party-goers. Having a party, this size goes against the contract of the apartment complex. Unfortunately, the party got out of hand. There was a tragic event that turned the party into a nightmare.
My anxiety was at an all-time high, and I needed to get out of there. My friend came to rescue me as quickly as he could. He was so understanding and was there to help distract me from this event. My friend insisted that I did not return to my apartment until things calmed down and the police finished their investigations.
Maude, My Orphan Kitty
My friend also supported me when my little orphan kitten died that I was trying to bottle feed after her mom rejected her. I stayed up late at night and took that little kitten with me literally everywhere, we eventually had a routine, and I was so proud of how she was progressing. I do not do well when animals die, especially if I am the one dedicated to their health and well-being. The baby passed away, and I was heartbroken. My friend was with me, and he took the kitten and buried her for me since I could not do it myself.
I Told Him Everything
We did not have secrets, and we knew each other pretty well. My ‘friend’ was concerned for my mental health and physical health since the job profession we work in is extremely taxing for someone with mental health issues. I was grateful to have someone to talk to who has some of the same problems that I struggle with daily. This person was the true definition of an absolute best friend, or so I thought.
We did not date even though he admitted having feelings for me that I could not reciprocate for personal reasons. But we remained best friends for a long time, that is, until his current girlfriend came back into his life. They had dated once in the past. I was supportive. I still wanted to hang out with him, and I also wanted to get to know his girlfriend because I was trying to be supportive of their relationship.
All of a Sudden
He stopped talking to me, and he did not use text or call me at all. I had no clue what I did wrong to make him not talk to me because we spent almost every day together. Things just got worse from that point. I tried to talk to him, but he refused to acknowledge my existence and futile attempts to get him to speak to me.
I admitted to him that I was jealous that he spent every day with his new girlfriend and that she moved in with him only two weeks after their dating. Not jealous in the love sort of way but jealous that my best friend put all of his attention on just his girlfriend and nobody else.
Then One Night
One night I was walking my dog, and he was outside on his back patio with his sister and girlfriend. I did not say a single word to him. He shouted from his yard that he needed to say something to me and let me have it. He told me never to talk to his friends or family again and that if I had something to say, I should say it to his face.
Instantly I got defensive and shouted back an obscene comment while rushing back to my apartment. Granted, I should have handled that situation with better decorum, but I was unprepared for that verbal attack. This ‘friend’ would text me nasty things, and his girlfriend even got in on the action and told me to stop talking to her boyfriend or things would get worse for me. I did not know how to handle this situation, so I ignored him.
My Depression and Anxiety
My depression was through the roof, and my anxiety about the whole scenario kept my mind running in 20 different directions. My ‘friend’ drunk-dialed me one night, and I just broke down and told him everything I felt and how betrayed I felt about the whole situation. He blamed me for his drinking and dipping problem, and he said that I was the one that caused drama between him and his friends and family. Being the person I am, I claimed his problems as my own. I honestly believed that our entire friendship had been some one-way street and that I had caused all his problems.
Eventually
After we were mature and decided to end our silly feud when we would work together, he started talking to me more, and we fell back into our usual best friend ways. He said that his girlfriend did not like me, and she did not like the fact that we would hang out all the time and text each other constantly. I told him that if she was threatened by me trying to “break up their relationship,” I could never do that to someone. I’m not that kind of person. And I reiterated that I will still support and care about him because he played a part in my life whether I wanted it to happen or not.
I Missed my Best Friend
I told him I missed my best friend, and I honestly did. I missed the days we would hang out together, be goofy, and have fun with our two dogs. The thing is, is that I hold onto the people that come into my life. I try to make any situation better by offering to help however I can at the time. My friend kept in contact with me, but we never actually hung out except when we worked together at the boy’s house. He fell into a bad depressive state, and I tried my best to be there for him since I know how rough it can be when you get in that depressive state.
One Random Night
His girlfriend added me on Snapchat and sent me a message. I dreaded opening it because I hated confrontation. We talked for a long time, and we were okay. I explained that I did not have feelings for him other than feelings of being a best friend and that I was not trying to break up their relationship. I called my friend and told him what she said and how everything was good between us again. Everything was fine for the next two weeks.
Enter My Mom
One day my mom came over to visit me, and she wanted to introduce herself to my boys and my friend since I had already told her about him. All she did was shake his hand and introduce herself. Two days later, I got the most hateful message from him early in the morning. He accused my mom and me of trying to start drama and said she came to his house unannounced. I was confused and hurt by all the hateful things sent to me.
Horribly Bullying
He called me a crazy psycho manipulative bitch and that he never wanted to see my face ever again. We were NEVER friends, the exact words that were texted to me. That was along with some other things I will not mention. I was at work at the time, so I had to excuse myself to go to the bathroom to cry and then compose myself the best I could. My hands were shaking, and I could feel my blood pressure rising with each nasty message. I was confused, hurt, and betrayed, and I seriously started believing everything he was saying to me.
Is This a Joke?
I honestly thought at first that it was a joke. That wasn’t him because my best friend would never say things like that to me. I profusely apologized even though I did nothing wrong, but he did not believe me. He said that I was not innocent and that I thought that I had never done anything wrong. I allowed myself to be sad for a little while. Then I had to get over it and finish out my shift so I could go home. Why?
Seriously, Why me?
Why do I always get into situations with people betraying me and my trust? I love fiercely, and I am loyal to the end. I would never do anything to hurt my friend. But he hurt me. He hurt me so badly that I felt like my chest would rip open. I was miserable for the next week or two. His friends would always come at me and send me nasty messages. I just took it all on my shoulders like I usually do.
I need to stop doing things like that.
And that doesn’t make me a bad person. I am allowed to have feelings. To be sad and mourn my best friend, who I somehow alienated in my life. After I attended a church sermon one day, my pastor said something that resonated with me. It probed me to remember how badly he hurt me. He said that even though someone might have done us wrong, we must forgive. Also, pray that God will bless their lives abundantly.
I started to cry thinking about all my past friendships that crashed and burned for whatever reason it was at the time. Then, I sent every single one of my so-called “friends” a message. It was a ‘to the point’ message which said exactly what I wanted to say. I did this in a kind and Christ-Like manner. I do not know if any of my friends even read that message. At least I sent it to them and forgave them.
Message to my “Friend”
I still see my neighbor around, and I also see him at work. Today, I will choose kindness. Also, I will choose to love still (as a friend). Furthermore, I will care about him even though it is hard. I will decide to make friends if God brings them into my life. Also, I will still love and be loyal to them no matter what comes my way.
And to my friend, even though he says we are not friends, I hope you have a fruitful life. That you and your girlfriend are happy together is all I ever wanted for you. I want you to be happy and successful. Even if that means our friendship is at an end. That’s okay. I will be okay. Because my heart belongs to God, and I believe in his everlasting love for me.
This Powerful Note to Self is by a guest blogger working through some intense emotions and trauma. Remember, if you are a survivor of anything….it is NOT your fault! That can be hard to believe, especially if you struggle with implicit memories and cannot remember.
Implicit memories are memories that are from conception to three years of age. However, explicit memories are from the age of three until the present moment. Those are the memories that you can pull from and have validation. Implicit memories are ones you “feel.” They, to me, are harder to process and reconcile.
Sadly, any type of sexual abuse or molestation is devastating. It can take years to heal. Honestly, it may never heal this side of heaven. That is something that I’ve had to settle within myself to process things. My guest blogger is deep in the trenches. I am so proud of what she is doing to get help.
Instead, I am the one thing I have been raised to not be
The one thing that will make me lose people close to me
I am not who my parents expected me to be
Also, I am disappointed in their eyes
I am a disappointment in my own eyes
Struggling
I know it is wrong
Sadly, I know its not meant to be that way
I have not chosen to feel this way
It just happened
I have actively fought it
Honestly, I would rather not acknowledge it than admit to it
I don’t want to talk about it
And I don’t want to act on it
Normal
All I want is to be normal
To be who I was meant to be
Not who I have become
By choice or not
I hate myself for my feelings
I would rather just ignore it
Then deal with it
I am not normal
Sadly, I am broken
I AM NOT OKAY.
But one day I will be.
What God Says
God says He loves us. He sent His son to die on the cross for us. When we come to Christ, He throws our sins as far as the East is from the West. Also, He says that Satan is the Prince of the Earth. He comes to steal, kill, and destroy us all. We have free will and it is a giant butthole. God will not supersede free will, though He can at any moment. He loves us and that is enough!
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