Tag: depression

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

No Thanks to You Part 2

Brandi C

 

 

No Thanks to You Part 2

No Thanks to You Part 2

I didn’t do things the way you wanted me to. Honestly, I like to make notes. I don’t shred things as often as you would like because I fear losing something important. Frankly, I still do that to this day. I am good at returning phone calls, but you insist that I write down every number and every message, so I don’t forget to call them back. Lastly, I can do several things at once, and you didn’t like that. 

 

You are very controlling, too much micromanaging my work. Honestly, you knew I did a good job, so why didn’t you let me do things my way? You told me everyone does things differently and gets their rhythm. I had my rhythm, but you wanted to change who I was as a person and employee. I took issue with that. 

 

Depression Over my Job

 

I got so depressed at this job and anxious over doing a good job that I had to get medicated. Every time you walked into the room, I wondered what I had done wrong now? You started making a point to notice every tiny detail of something I missed or got wrong. That is not how a boss should be to his employees. You didn’t praise me anymore. You didn’t show any sign that I was enough for this job. 

 

You expected more and more from me. When I needed help, you were conveniently not around. I tried to get your help with a matter, and you were not available to help me. I made a mistake. I acknowledge that. But your biggest mistake was not being around when I needed you—and not training me as you should. 

 

Another Low Blow

 

I cannot believe that you tried to take my unemployment from me. That was one of the lowest things that you did to me. I was mortified. And when I explained this to the woman at the unemployment office the situation, she quickly understood that it was not me but you. I am glad she saw it my way. 

 

You kept meeting with me with a disappointed look in your eyes. And you dragged him into this? The look on his face was regretful for having to deal with your misogynistic, sexist, backward, lying actions. Telling me we can fix this, and if you get yourself medicated, it will be fixed. You made me feel like the problem was with me and not you and that it was all my fault for the very few mistakes I did make. 

 

You made me feel less than human. 

 

I was just a troubled, sad person who couldn’t perform well at my job without being medicated. Do you have any idea what I was going through at that time of my life? That I was going through a break-up months from getting married? My grandfather almost died, and you didn’t bat an eye. I was so sad. And you made me feel like, at least in the beginning, that we were a team and you would help me through anything. 

 

But you didn’t even bother to ask. You just assumed I was okay and moved on. Frankly, you didn’t care what happened to me. You didn’t watch. And that was hurtful because you said I could trust you. 

 

Smack in the Middle the Lies Began

 

Then, you let me go in the middle of all the shit I was dealing with within a week of the end of my probationary period. I had nothing. Nothing. Nothing to live for anymore. You were the last straw in my life. I was already dealing with so much pain and agony, and you treated me this way. After all the work I did for you. All those extra hours I worked. 

You told me that I was rude to inmates and that I talked over them. That was all a lie. You said to me that a clerk filed a complaint against me. That was also a lie. I don’t even know what I did to offend her, but life continues. The judges liked me. They still do—funny thing how lies work. I have never had a single issue in that courthouse in my job now. I am respected and well-liked by everyone. 

 

You told me that I wasn’t a good fit. 

 

Then why waste my time and yours? You could have let me go a lot sooner. If I were that lousy employee, you would have cut your losses sooner. Isn’t that what you told me about Charlotte in Frankfort? That you should cut your losses and fire me. 

You told me that to scare me. I don’t even think that woman knows my name or anything about me. I was a week from being a tenured employee. And you decided to cut me then; you milked me for all the work I was good enough for. Then you dumped me on the curb like yesterday’s trash. I was no longer your prodigy. 

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High Functioning Depression

 

 

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

No Thanks to You

Brandi C

No Thanks to You

No Thanks to You

No Thanks to You. I held such resentment for you. I still have some resentment for the way you treated me. At first, you made me feel like I was a prodigy, that I could do it all. You knew my family and me; their reputation preceded me. I was hired on pretty quickly and showed you all my potential. 

You made me feel special, that I was doing so well. I worked well with you, judges, lawyers, inmates, and jail staff. I was good at my job. I did my best to be impartial, no matter the charge. I never gave anyone reason to believe that I disliked them. I was calm and collected. 

 

Everyone loved me. 

 

The jail staff, my co-workers, and the court staff, everyone loved me. I had no complaints. No one came to me or had any issues with me. My co-worker vouched for me so many times because she knew how good of an employee I was. So what I don’t understand is why you turned on me. After you hired your new protege, I fell by the wayside. 

 

I was still doing exemplary work and detailed assessments, and nothing escaped me. I did well in court, was respectful to all, and did my job. And it was a stressful job, with many things at stake, and I worked without complaint. 

 

You Promised

 

You promised me that you would train me further, that I would be attending all these pieces of training to make me better. But you failed. I did not receive those pieces of training. Therefore, I had to learn a lot of things myself. Every time I had an issue, I told you that I did not feel right every time someone asked something of me. 

 

When she became a supervisor, she also fell in this time. She disliked me for some reason. I tried to be kind, still told her all my issues, and filled her in on essential details. She is so fake. I can’t understand why you listened to her over me. 

 

Choosing One Over the Other

 

I never gave you a reason not to trust me. She gave you every reason. It was always my word against hers, and it was always the issue with her. She is a snake in the grass, and I am surprised not more people see that in her. She pretends to be a good person and would play Christian music at work, but I could see that she was faking it. Her actions did not prove she was a good person. 

 

She went behind my back to you over an issue I struggled with. I knew the protocol. I knew what would happen. She was standing over me, talking in my ear with another person, standing over my shoulder, behind me, waiting for me to call. I may have been short with her, but I did as she requested. 

 

Honest Truth

 

I don’t do well when people are behind me. I don’t do well with people barking orders at me and micromanaging me. When I later asked her if there were any issues, she assured me there weren’t. And foolishly, I believed her. Then, like the snake, she went to you without telling me. And that was the knife in the back that hurt me. 

I do not trust very quickly. You and she are two of those reasons. First, you told me that you would help me and train me further, that I could trust you. I relied on you to help me because you said that you would. But you didn’t; you failed in that regard. 

 

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

A Letter to Myself

Brandi C

A Letter to Myself

My guest blogger wants to step back in time and parent that child who was abused and never truly parented.  She wants that little girl to know that what is happening is wrong and that she is not at fault.  What a beautiful way to begin the healing process.

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Sarah,

I have written numerous letters to others who have significantly hurt me, but I have yet to write a letter to the person I feel has hurt me the most. 

That person is me. 

For years I have “punished” myself for things that were not my fault. It has been hard to remember that when bad things were happening to me, I was between the ages of 7 and 11. I have blamed myself for years for the people around me dying. I have blamed myself for not being there for them while they die. Like, for goodness sake, Sarah, you were like 9. It is not your responsibility to take care of people who are dying.

Changes

When my dad divorced for a second time, we had just moved, and we were tight on money. It is not that my dad was not making enough. It was because he gave his ex-wife a good chunk of his money. So, I started skipping meals to ensure everyone had enough to eat. When I ate, my brother would comment on my weight or how much I was eating. I stopped eating for weeks and started working six days a week. 

After over a year of doing that 

I finally realized that it wasn’t my responsibility to ensure everyone ate. It was my father’s, and he was incredibly absent then. So I slowly started eating again. I have better eating habits now, but I still have days when I feel I shouldn’t be eating. To this day, if I have to get weighed, I can’t look at the scale because If I see what it says, I will spiral.

Absent Parent

Around that same time, my dad was incredibly absent. All of the cooking, cleaning, and children became my responsibility. I was the parent in the household. I juggled all of my duties at home, schoolwork, and band. 

The only thing I remember from this period of my life is being incredibly exhausted. It was at this time sister would hardly sleep. And she became violent. So I would wake up at three in the morning to her punching me in the face or pulling my hair. I remember the countless morning of me just crying because I was so tired and in pain. 

That was a super dark time in my life. 

This was the beginning of a super dark time for me. I had zero will to live. I didn’t care what happened to me. Honestly, I wish this part of my story had a happier ending, but I’m still learning that Madison isn’t my child or my responsibility. 

I feel guilty when I go out while she’s at the house. Also, I feel anxious that something terrible will happen to her while I am gone. I feel like I have been better about leaving her home, so that is a step in the right direction.

The Shooting

Then, I guess the last piece of this story is about the shooting. I remember that morning going into the band room with my friends. I stood across the room from him and just stared at him. The atmosphere that morning felt off. 

I used to blame myself for not talking to him that morning. I used to think that he wouldn’t have killed two people if I had just talked to him. That was his choice, not mine. It’s not my fault. It’s not my fault. It is not my fault. After a while of repeating that to myself, I finally believed it. 

 Love,

 Sarah.

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Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

The Dark Days

Brandi C

The Dark Days

In this piece, The Dark Days, my guest blogger describes what depression looks like for her.  Yet, she perseveres and powers on.

The Dark Days

I never know when they will come

Always lurking around the corner

Like a lion ready to pounce

They come without warning

When I wake, I feel it

The darkness closes in

And I welcome it

The darkness is familiar to me

Though it is full of sadness and hurt

Trauma and the like

Part 2

But I am not surprised

I know when the time has come

For another dark day to begin

Therapy helps

Medication helps

But the dark days are still around

Brought on by stress or pain

Or sometimes for no reason at all

Those days when all I want to do

Is lying in bed and hiding from the world

Part 3

I wonder what made me this way

Why do I have these dark days?

Sometimes I understand

Sometimes I don’t

I used to be told

You have everything

How can you have these dark days?

It’s all in your head

It isn’t real 

Then why do I feel this way?

Part 4

It’s not that I want to feel like this

I didn’t choose this life

I don’t choose the dark days

If I had to choose

I would choose light

Happy

Sunshine, rainbows

Sadly, they don’t come that often

Part 5

It isn’t my fault that I am this way

That the dark days chose me

I can’t help it

What I can do is try to mitigate the damage

Damage control 

I never know when the next dark day will come

But I can take my meds

I can go to therapy

I can talk to the few people I trust

Part 6

Maybe

Just maybe

The dark days will go away

I can hope

I can dream

But for now, the dark days are here

The dark days don’t define me

They are not who I am

I know who I am

I am confident in who I am

Part 7

But on those days, sometimes I forget

It is a talent those days have 

I don’t mean to forget, but sometimes I do

It’s like a fog over my mind

A dense, soupy fog

That distorts words

Distorts feelings

Emotions

And people 

Part 8

I have to be strong

{I} can’t let the bad days hold me

I can’t let myself down into that pit

The pit where I have spent many a night

The pit is where the darkness leads

The darkness can’t take me there

No more

No more

Part 9

So I will soldier on

Put on a brave face 

When the darkness comes 

Because the darkness can’t take me

Not now

Not ever

 

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

I Am Who I Am

Brandi C

I Am Who I Am

I Am Who I Am

Being who I am that I do not have many friends. It is hard for me to open up to other people because of how often I have been used. Also, for being backstabbed by these so-called “friends.” My circle of friends is tiny due to this issue I have had in the past. 

I have maybe four close friends who care about me and my well-being. I would do anything for them. Honestly, I am loyal to the end. I find it hard to let go, especially when potential long-lasting friendships end. I also tend to take on my friends’ problems. Sadly, I claim that I am the cause of their issues. I will just as quickly take the blame for everything rather than have them take responsibility. 

This One “Friend”

This one “friend” is currently my co-worker and, unfortunately, my neighbor. The first night shift we worked together, we instantly clicked. We became comfortable with each other, which is incredibly rare for me. As the days went on, we constantly texted about work and life. We would hang out at my place and watch movies on our days off. His friends and family became comfortable with me as we continued to hang out. Working together was a blast since we got along, and the kids enjoyed it when we both worked on the same day.

Tragic Event

He was always there for me when I needed him. There was a massive party at the apartment where I used to live. There were easily at least 200+ party-goers. Having a party, this size goes against the contract of the apartment complex. Unfortunately, the party got out of hand. There was a tragic event that turned the party into a nightmare. 

My anxiety was at an all-time high, and I needed to get out of there. My friend came to rescue me as quickly as he could. He was so understanding and was there to help distract me from this event. My friend insisted that I did not return to my apartment until things calmed down and the police finished their investigations.

Maude, My Orphan Kitty

My friend also supported me when my little orphan kitten died that I was trying to bottle feed after her mom rejected her. I stayed up late at night and took that little kitten with me literally everywhere, we eventually had a routine, and I was so proud of how she was progressing. I do not do well when animals die, especially if I am the one dedicated to their health and well-being. The baby passed away, and I was heartbroken. My friend was with me, and he took the kitten and buried her for me since I could not do it myself. 

I Told Him Everything

We did not have secrets, and we knew each other pretty well. My ‘friend’ was concerned for my mental health and physical health since the job profession we work in is extremely taxing for someone with mental health issues. I was grateful to have someone to talk to who has some of the same problems that I struggle with daily. This person was the true definition of an absolute best friend, or so I thought. 

We did not date even though he admitted having feelings for me that I could not reciprocate for personal reasons. But we remained best friends for a long time, that is, until his current girlfriend came back into his life. They had dated once in the past. I was supportive. I still wanted to hang out with him, and I also wanted to get to know his girlfriend because I was trying to be supportive of their relationship. 

All of a Sudden

He stopped talking to me, and he did not use text or call me at all. I had no clue what I did wrong to make him not talk to me because we spent almost every day together. Things just got worse from that point. I tried to talk to him, but he refused to acknowledge my existence and futile attempts to get him to speak to me. 

I admitted to him that I was jealous that he spent every day with his new girlfriend and that she moved in with him only two weeks after their dating. Not jealous in the love sort of way but jealous that my best friend put all of his attention on just his girlfriend and nobody else. 

Then One Night

One night I was walking my dog, and he was outside on his back patio with his sister and girlfriend. I did not say a single word to him. He shouted from his yard that he needed to say something to me and let me have it. He told me never to talk to his friends or family again and that if I had something to say, I should say it to his face. 

Instantly I got defensive and shouted back an obscene comment while rushing back to my apartment. Granted, I should have handled that situation with better decorum, but I was unprepared for that verbal attack. This ‘friend’ would text me nasty things, and his girlfriend even got in on the action and told me to stop talking to her boyfriend or things would get worse for me. I did not know how to handle this situation, so I ignored him. 

My Depression and Anxiety

My depression was through the roof, and my anxiety about the whole scenario kept my mind running in 20 different directions. My ‘friend’ drunk-dialed me one night, and I just broke down and told him everything I felt and how betrayed I felt about the whole situation. He blamed me for his drinking and dipping problem, and he said that I was the one that caused drama between him and his friends and family. Being the person I am, I claimed his problems as my own. I honestly believed that our entire friendship had been some one-way street and that I had caused all his problems. 

Eventually

After we were mature and decided to end our silly feud when we would work together, he started talking to me more, and we fell back into our usual best friend ways. He said that his girlfriend did not like me, and she did not like the fact that we would hang out all the time and text each other constantly. I told him that if she was threatened by me trying to “break up their relationship,” I could never do that to someone. I’m not that kind of person. And I reiterated that I will still support and care about him because he played a part in my life whether I wanted it to happen or not.

I Missed my Best Friend

I told him I missed my best friend, and I honestly did. I missed the days we would hang out together, be goofy, and have fun with our two dogs. The thing is, is that I hold onto the people that come into my life. I try to make any situation better by offering to help however I can at the time. My friend kept in contact with me, but we never actually hung out except when we worked together at the boy’s house. He fell into a bad depressive state, and I tried my best to be there for him since I know how rough it can be when you get in that depressive state. 

One Random Night

His girlfriend added me on Snapchat and sent me a message. I dreaded opening it because I hated confrontation. We talked for a long time, and we were okay. I explained that I did not have feelings for him other than feelings of being a best friend and that I was not trying to break up their relationship. I called my friend and told him what she said and how everything was good between us again. Everything was fine for the next two weeks. 

Enter My Mom

One day my mom came over to visit me, and she wanted to introduce herself to my boys and my friend since I had already told her about him. All she did was shake his hand and introduce herself. Two days later, I got the most hateful message from him early in the morning. He accused my mom and me of trying to start drama and said she came to his house unannounced. I was confused and hurt by all the hateful things sent to me.

Horribly Bullying

He called me a crazy psycho manipulative bitch and that he never wanted to see my face ever again. We were NEVER friends, the exact words that were texted to me. That was along with some other things I will not mention. I was at work at the time, so I had to excuse myself to go to the bathroom to cry and then compose myself the best I could. My hands were shaking, and I could feel my blood pressure rising with each nasty message. I was confused, hurt, and betrayed, and I seriously started believing everything he was saying to me.

Is This a Joke?

I honestly thought at first that it was a joke. That wasn’t him because my best friend would never say things like that to me. I profusely apologized even though I did nothing wrong, but he did not believe me. He said that I was not innocent and that I thought that I had never done anything wrong. I allowed myself to be sad for a little while. Then I had to get over it and finish out my shift so I could go home. Why? 

Seriously, Why me? 

Why do I always get into situations with people betraying me and my trust? I love fiercely, and I am loyal to the end. I would never do anything to hurt my friend. But he hurt me. He hurt me so badly that I felt like my chest would rip open. I was miserable for the next week or two. His friends would always come at me and send me nasty messages. I just took it all on my shoulders like I usually do. 

I need to stop doing things like that.

And that doesn’t make me a bad person. I am allowed to have feelings. To be sad and mourn my best friend, who I somehow alienated in my life. After I attended a church sermon one day, my pastor said something that resonated with me. It probed me to remember how badly he hurt me. He said that even though someone might have done us wrong, we must forgive. Also, pray that God will bless their lives abundantly. 

I started to cry thinking about all my past friendships that crashed and burned for whatever reason it was at the time. Then, I sent every single one of my so-called “friends” a message. It was a ‘to the point’ message which said exactly what I wanted to say. I did this in a kind and Christ-Like manner. I do not know if any of my friends even read that message. At least I sent it to them and forgave them.

Message to my “Friend”

I still see my neighbor around, and I also see him at work. Today, I will choose kindness. Also, I will choose to love still (as a friend). Furthermore, I will care about him even though it is hard. I will decide to make friends if God brings them into my life. Also, I will still love and be loyal to them no matter what comes my way. 

And to my friend, even though he says we are not friends, I hope you have a fruitful life. That you and your girlfriend are happy together is all I ever wanted for you. I want you to be happy and successful. Even if that means our friendship is at an end. That’s okay. I will be okay. Because my heart belongs to God, and I believe in his everlasting love for me.

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Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger

To the Person That’s Been There Through it All

Brandi C

 

To the Person That’s Been There Through it All

To the Person That’s Been There Through it All

To the Person That’s Been There Through it All

Thank you

And thank you for caring

Thank you for sharing

And thank you for loving me

When I felt that no one ever could

 

Cared for Me When No One Else Could

You didn’t have to do any of those things

But for some odd reason, you did

You cared for me when no one else could

You shared with me to try to help me understand

And you loved me when I needed it the most

On top of all that you’ve treated me like your own

 

Helped Me Grow

You’ve helped me grow to understand who I am

And who to look to when I am in need

To search for Jesus first instead of the worst.

and to consider Him in mind with my choices first.

You’ve shown me what it feels like to be loved by choice

Not by obligation

 

I Love You

And I just wanted you to know that I thank you

And most importantly I love you.

 

Trevor Project

The Trevor Project is an American nonprofit organization founded in 1998. Focused on suicide prevention efforts among lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and questioning youth, they offer a toll-free telephone number where confidential assistance is provided by trained counselors.

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Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Powerful Note to Self

Brandi C

This Powerful Note to Self is by a guest blogger working through some intense emotions and trauma. Remember, if you are a survivor of anything….it is NOT your fault! That can be hard to believe, especially if you struggle with implicit memories and cannot remember.

Implicit memories are memories that are from conception to three years of age. However, explicit memories are from the age of three until the present moment. Those are the memories that you can pull from and have validation. Implicit memories are ones you “feel.” They, to me, are harder to process and reconcile.

Sadly, any type of sexual abuse or molestation is devastating. It can take years to heal. Honestly, it may never heal this side of heaven. That is something that I’ve had to settle within myself to process things. My guest blogger is deep in the trenches. I am so proud of what she is doing to get help.

Powerful Note to Self

Powerful Note to Self

Note to self

This is not your fault

You are not the one who made the choice

All you did was follow a voice

A voice of someone you were supposed to trust.

Someone everyone else said you could trust

Not Your Fault

It’s not your fault

that you are scared to love

Or scared to be loved

{Or} that you are afraid to be touched.

Stating Truth

If anything it is his fault

He chose to hurt you

and He chose to betray your innocent trust

He chose to do the unthinkable

and steal the innocence that you shouldn’t have lost

Stop!

so stop blaming yourself for his mistakes

you were not and are not at fault.

You didn’t make those choices

So stop claiming it as yours

 

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

I Am Broken

Brandi C

 

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I Am Broken

I am broken

And I am not normal

I am not who I want to be

Instead, I am the one thing I have been raised to not be

The one thing that will make me lose people close to me

I am not who my parents expected me to be

Also, I am disappointed in their eyes

I am a disappointment in my own eyes

Struggling

I know it is wrong

Sadly, I know its not meant to be that way

I have not chosen to feel this way

It just happened

I have actively fought it

Honestly, I would rather not acknowledge it than admit to it

I don’t want to talk about it

And I don’t want to act on it

Normal

All I want is to be normal

To be who I was meant to be

Not who I have become

By choice or not

I hate myself for my feelings

I would rather just ignore it

Then deal with it

I am not normal

Sadly, I am broken

I AM NOT OKAY.

But one day I will be.

What God Says

God says He loves us.  He sent His son to die on the cross for us.  When we come to Christ, He throws our sins as far as the East is from the West.  Also, He says that Satan is the Prince of the Earth.  He comes to steal, kill, and destroy us all.  We have free will and it is a giant butthole.  God will not supersede free will, though He can at any moment.  He loves us and that is enough! This anonymous guest blogger shows such vulnerability and courage in writing and submitting this in order to help others.

The Trevor Project

 

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

What Would Happen if She Found Out

Brandi C

In What Would Happen if She Found Out, my guest blogger talks about what would happen if the people she loved most knew the truth?

What Would Happen if She Found Out

What Would Happen if She Found Out

That I was more different than she had ever thought

That I was the one thing she couldn’t tolerate

 

Would she kick me out

Or would she hate me

Would she quit loving me

 

I would love to say no

But in reality, the answer is yes

Yes, she would do all three

 

Go To Hell

 

I’ve been told several times growing up that it’s wrong

If you think that way, you go to Hell

If you act that way, you go to Hell

 

So, of course, I didn’t want to admit that I am what I am

I didn’t want anyone to know my preference

Because I myself ignored it, hoping it would go away

 

Yet here I am at the age I am realizing really, for the first time

What I am and which people I like

And I’m worried about her reaction if she were ever to find out.

 

What I Have Been Told

 

Growing up, I’ve been told that she would rather DIE than have a child like me

Well, a child who likes a person of the same gender

I was told that she would rather stay in the dark than be told

 

So I’m going to respect her wishes

And not telling her

I’ll just let her die thinking she had at least one semi-normal child

Sure it’s a lie, but at least she’ll be happy

 

It’s the least I can do

She deserves to be happy

And I deserve to have a standing relationship

with at least one member of my family

The Trevor Project

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

What is Normal

Brandi C

What is Normal

~What is normal and what is not normal?  My guest blogger tries to determine this for herself.~

What is Normal

I sit, and I wait, and I try to think about what I can do to make myself normal

Or at least more acceptable

I could hang out with some friends

Go watch some tv and sit and chat

 

But I have to make sure I stay on topics that wouldn’t make me lie to feel like I fit in

That I feel the way they do about everything

Or something more than others

So maybe not that

 

What Should I Do?

 

Maybe I could go on a date

Sign up for a dating app

Oh no, that could be trouble

What if my friends find out I’m looking at

So no, not that

 

Ok, so I know what’s safe

Just go to bed and get some rest

But then, when I go to bed, my mind won’t shut off

And I’m stuck with the thoughts that I’m trying to ignore.

 

When I get here

This is when it gets ugly

This is when the spiral goes down

This is when I try to hurt myself

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Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

I Should Have Known

Brandi C

 

I Should Have Known

I Should Have Known

I should have known something wasn’t right

When you told me you loved me for the first time

And I didn’t say it back

 

I should have known something was up.

When I couldn’t stand the fact that you wrote me love letters

Or when you posted love stuff on social media

I mean, I didn’t even “like” the post

 

Not My Type

 

I should have realized much sooner

That you weren’t my type

way before I let it go as far as I did

You were not the problem; it was me

 

I was the one starting things trying to get you to leave first.

And I didn’t know why then, but I do now

I just wasn’t into the whole thing

 

I wasn’t into the wedding

Also, I wasn’t into fooling around

and I definitely wasn’t into having sex

 

What I Wanted

 

I just wanted to feel loved and wanted

You seemed to care and want me

So I tried to play along

 

I tried to compromise all of my feelings

To fulfill your needs

Give you what you wanted.

To support you in any and all ways that I could

 

Reality

 

But in reality, all I was doing was lying to myself

Lying to you

And lying to my family

 

Lying about why I felt that way

And lying about what I truly wanted

lying about my life

 

Hiding

 

All I wanted was to feel loved and accepted

that is why I didn’t end it sooner

that is why I didn’t confess that I didn’t truly have feelings

at least not romantic feelings.

 

I did it because I wanted to cover up what I already knew

And that I wasn’t ready, to tell the truth,

Which is I like girls

And there is nothing I can do to make people accept, so I hide

And think over the fact that I am different than the rest.

 

The Trevor Project

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Depression is Gray and Black

Brandi C

Depression is Gray and Black

 

Depression is Gray and Black

 

Depression 

Is a dark and twisty place

It’s when your inner thoughts are gray and black

There is no light 

There is no white 

Just gray or black

The gray is sad but bearable thoughts

This is where you look back at what’s wrong

 grieving the way you handled it

Want to do something to change it but can’t

These thoughts I think are easier to voice 

To seek help.  Ask someone to hold you accountable

To try and continue your life 

Which is Worse?

The black well that is the worse 

The dark and the bleak 

These thoughts are much more dangerous

These are the thoughts that keep you imprisoned in your mind

Keep you in bed for days 

Give you the feelings of why even try?

These thoughts are almost impossible to voice 

The darker the thought the harder it gets to talk to people 

The harder it gets to seek help 

And the harder it is to continue anything in life

The In-Between

Somewhere between the gray and black, there is a turning point

From being sad to wanting to crawl under a rock and die

I’m not sure where the begins

I just know that’s where it ends.

But surely there is a way to continue life looking towards something 

Instead of looking back at the past 

If you can get there that’s when you can see a light

It starts off small almost like a dot

Finding the Dot

For me trying to find that dot is the hardest part 

Trying to find something worth looking for the dot.

But once I find it I plan on holding on to it.

Because the dot will eventually grow 

It will become the light that I seek. 

I just have to hold on a little longer. 

And keep looking ahead.

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Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

The Healing Process

Brandi C

In the last part of my guest blogger’s piece, she talks about The Healing Process.  What she has gone through and how she came to peace.  God is so much bigger!

The Healing Process

Remembering Little Details of What Happened

 

Some people might think I am making this big deal of being cheated on by a boyfriend. Sadly, women get cheated on, which is typical in our society. But it’s different. And yet, I don’t think I forgave him, truly forgave him, until a few weeks ago when I attended church with my family and heard my Pastor’s sermon. I sent him a short and to-the-point message saying that I forgave him and would pray that his life would be abundantly blessed in everything he tried. That was hard for me to write. Especially considering that he might not have even read the message in the first place since he blocked me off everything. 

 

The Healing Process

 

But for me, that is part of the healing process. I don’t hate my ex. Honestly, I choose to remember the good things about our relationship rather than focus on the bad stuff. I need to move forward and be patient enough to wait for God’s perfect man for me in the future. It could be a few days from now or possibly years from now. But I am choosing to be patient and wait for my lifelong partner. And I will continue to pray for him and that he finds his perfect partner. We might not have had the best relationship in the world, but he was still a part of my life, and I will never be rid of those good and bad memories. 

 

Advice

 

You have to choose yourself. You have to help those girls and women who have been cheated on by their significant other. Others are in those not-so-good relationships. If you see a red flag, then get out. Please don’t do what I did and settle for someone who is not your person. It is not worth the heartache and days of tears that will possibly be in your future. 

I might be young, and my experience might not have much meaning, but it is my life. I chose not to settle. And I like being single. Sure, it’s lonely sometimes, but you truly learn who you are and what your personality is like when you are by yourself. Love you. Take care of yourself. Don’t settle. He is not a monster, but he was not mine forever. 

And for the first time in a long time, I am okay with that.

 

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

The Proposal

Brandi C

The Proposal

The Proposal

 

Now it is time to talk about The Proposal. After about two years, the man I was dating proposed to me at the park with no people around because I believed that proposals should be private. I had pushed so hard to be engaged because I wanted to be married, and I tried to find that love that I truly craved even though I should have been craving Jesus and his faithful and eternal love. We were engaged for only a few months before it happened. 

As I said, I do not believe in cheating, and I think it is cowardly to do to someone. One night, he and I had returned from a date, and he ran upstairs to get something from his apartment. I decided to go on his phone and take some pictures. Being the nosy person I was, I went through his text messages and found messages from a strange girl. She was only 16.

 

He Had Been Cheating on Me With a 16-Year-Old Girl.

 

I was shocked. Just shock. I turned his phone off, set it down, and waited for his return. When I questioned him about the messages, he instantly got defensive and said she was just a friend. Friends don’t ask for pictures of friends or that they wish they could kiss each other. I still remember sitting in his car, gripping my hands and digging my nails into my skin to keep from crying. I took his phone and immediately ran upstairs to the safety of my mom’s arms and showed her why I was sobbing like my heart was broken. Of course, he followed and tried to improve the situation, but my mom knew better than that. 

 

We Broke Up

 

I was heartbroken and still in shock. Honestly, I felt numb to all things in the world. I did not know any other pain except what I was feeling in my heart. You are fortunate and blessed if you have never experienced heartbreak like being cheated on by your fiance. He cheated on me not once, not twice, but three times. Three different women. 

I know I might be making this too big a deal, but I could not look at him the same at the time. Honestly, I gave him so many second chances. He begged for when he said he truly loved me. He did not understand why he cheated on me. I never got a clear answer as to why. That’s all I wanted to know. Why? What did I do wrong? Was I not pretty enough, smart enough, or thin enough? The girls he cheated on me with were beautiful. 

 

It’s Over

 

I told him that I could not do it anymore. I gave him the ring back and said to him that I would always love him and that he played a part in my life, but we needed to go our separate ways—the look in his eyes. I can still feel the pounding of my heart. I remember how clammy my hands felt and how I heard him storm out of the house and the screech of his tires down the road. 

I told my parents what had happened and I just broke down. I sobbed like I never had before. Do you know that feeling? I almost can not explain it. Three years I gave to this man, who was supposed to be my future husband, this person who I thought was my best friend and trusted partner. My grandmother and I had already put together my wedding bouquet. Then my mom and I had already looked at dresses. And all I could think about was why was I not good enough for him? Why me? What did I do to him that I deserved a cheater and a liar as a fiance?

 

Memories

 

So many memories that we created together to flush down the toilet. I was miserable for months, mainly since my ex-fiance lived in the same town as me, so I would see my ex constantly. I went through the stages of grief, and I was still not OK in the end. And to be honest, I do not think that I am OK with this. My ex’s mom blamed me for breaking his heart. His “friends” with me were confused and would not leave me alone. His brother messaged me as well. My ex blamed me and told me it was my fault that he cheated on me. Everything was my fault. And I claimed it. For a little while, he did not speak to me. 

 

Manipulation

 

One day we were texting for some reason, and he told me some terrifying things that he was going to do and that I could do nothing to help him, and that it was my fault. My mind spun out of control, and I started to have flashbacks of how manipulative he was to me when he got like this. Luckily, my mom and pastor handled the situation, and we did not speak much after that. After a few months, I ran him out of town, and I told him never to come back and talk to me again, or he would regret it. 

 

Consumed in Anger

 

The anger I felt towards him consumed my life, which turned into bitterness. Even now, I still see his patterns in men who try to date me. My life spun out of control, and I made very poor choices. I still do not understand how I could have been so stupid and blind to stay with him for as long as I did. And for the longest time, I despised him. 

I convinced myself that I did not fit the mold of a woman’s appearance. Dress like. Even act like in this modern world. I let myself go. Furthermore, I kept all of my emotions bottled up and stuffed deep down. I did this so I would not have to deal with the pain. Honestly, I think that I have kept it bottled up for so long. I have blocked out those memories so quickly that I am still crying while writing this piece.

The Hotline

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

How It Began

Brandi C

How It Began

This is Something That is Considerably Difficult for Me to Write

This is How It Began. I still have not been able to let it go after all these years. I feel like now is the time to write. From my perspective, this is what my experiences were like when I was dating someone. I had not been in a relationship (or at least a serious one) until I met him. Online dating is the hip and cool new way to meet possible relationships. You can talk with random people all over the world. Sadly, I was one of the suckers that got sucked into all the fun profiles and nice-looking men.

 

How It Began

 

He showed up in my Facebook messages. Then he told me that he found my profile on the dating website. Sadly, he did not have the premium services. Because of that, he had to message me via Facebook. He was a nice-looking man, and I thought, why not? Maybe I should open myself up and see if this might go somewhere. We started talking, talking online, and eventually texting and calling almost daily for quite a few months. 

Eventually, We Met, and He Took Me on a Date

 

He was incredibly tall, 6’5, which seemed like a dream come true to my 6’06’0 tall self. Our date went well, and I invited him to come to church with me the following day. We started dating even though he lived in Alabama, and we shortly declared ourselves in a relationship after only dating for a little while. My friends and church family supported us and our long-distance relationship. It was so hard for him and me to only see each other every two weeks for only two short days. And sometimes I would go months without seeing him because he worked two jobs. 

 

The Honeymoon Phase

 

I was in such a “honeymoon” phase that I did not truly see how screwed up our relationship was at the time. Honestly, I made it clear that I did not want to do anything further unless we married. I long ago chose to wait until marriage to have any relations with a man since that is what God says in his Word. After about a year of dating, he kissed and touched me even though I did not say yes or no. And from there, we continued to make poor choices and follow fleshly desires rather than focusing our eyes on God and working on our relationship. 

 

Being “In Love”

 

I wanted to make him happy because I wanted to be in love so bad, and I wanted him to care about me as I saw in the relationships of my other friends. I had never felt “being in love” and did not see how dangerous it was for me to continue in that sin pattern. Eventually, I told him we could not continue like this anymore, and he agreed to stop. From the beginning that we started dating, I told him that if he ever laid a finger on me that it would not end well for him, which he didn’t, but he also treated me in a way that was not acceptable in the way a man should take care of a woman. 

 

Manipulation and Emotional Abuse

 

He would yell at me and be overly possessive over me for no reason. I told him I was considering, not even stating I was going to do it, but that I wanted to join a sorority possibly. He freaked out and told me he did not want me to participate because I would leave him for a frat guy that was better than him. I assured him that cheating was not something I take lightly and that I only had eyes for him. 

He would yell at me even in front of my family to the point where I had to leave the room to stay calm and keep my composure. Yet, I still said nothing because I did not want him to go with me. He would emotionally abuse me and refuse to communicate with me when we would fight. I tried to put a bandaid on the issue or smile my way through it and say we were alright. I refused to listen to wisdom from my church family, my mentors, and my family, especially my mom.

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Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Misery Loves Company

Brandi C

Misery Loves Company

Misery Loves Company

Misery loves company they say

But is it the misery the person wants to share

Or are they looking to someone for help?

But instead, bring them down too

Is the misery more infectious than the need for help?

Or does the person just not want it enough

Personally, I think I would rather suffer alone

Then to bring a friend down with me

I don’t want my friends and family to feel like this

I wouldn’t want anyone to feel like this

Like the whole world is sitting on my shoulders

just waiting for them to make the wrong move.

Just Waiting

Waiting for them to slip

Waiting for them to pull someone in

Waiting for them to not be alone

So they will share the misery

I don’t want to be infectious with hate

I don’t want to put bad things in people’s mind

I’d much rather put in light and love

But where can I start

To get back to that person

That everyone loved to be around

The person that was infectious to laughter

The person that loved others and at least liked herself

I guess I should start at the beginning again

And try to learn a new way of dealing with my sin

Instead of storing it away and letting it fester

I need to let it go and pray that it will work out in the end

Because I’d much rather love myself and help others

Then hate myself and essentially drown them

I don’t want to feed them the lies that I believe

That I’m not good enough

That I’m not worthy

Because we are good enough

We are all worthy of love

And not the misery.

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Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Hurt People Hurt People

Brandi C

Hurt People Hurt People

Hurt People Hurt People

A phrase my mom has always said is Hurt People Hurt People. That is an accurate phrase. I always thought that I was your favorite person. You would make time to come down and see me. You brought me books and movies. We would go to the movies and have the best time ever. It meant everything to me that we had a good relationship. But all that changed, now you can barely say two words to me. Now you won’t even make eye contact with me most of the time. And to be honest, it is hard for me to talk to you because I don’t know what to say. 

 

Life After Death

 

After my cousin died, I was hurt so much after realizing that he may not be in heaven where I desperately wanted him to be. After him leaving so suddenly and I never got the chance to say goodbye, it was hard on me. Because I loved him and wanted to know I would see him again. And I loved you so much that I wanted to know that if you left suddenly, I would see you again. 

 

Blaming Myself

 

Do you know my mom would not even let me read the letter you sent back to me? Because she knew it would hurt me if I read it. It was easier for me not to have to read it. I blamed myself for ruining our relationship. But now, I think it was more on you than on me. I was coming from a place of love but sadness and hurt. I didn’t understand why you didn’t believe the way that I did. I had no idea you would react the way you did. 

 

You Stopped 

 

You stopped writing to me. Also, you stopped all communication. You just stopped. That was hurtful to me. I looked up to you. I wanted to come to stay with you and wanted to be like you. I admired you for being as successful as you were. I understand now that what I said may have offended you, but I was a child and didn’t understand how it would offend you at the time. 

 

Ensured Salvation

 

In my mind, I wanted to ensure that I would see you again. I wouldn’t have to know that you would be in the next life and not in a bad place. I was hurting so much, and I was only a child. How was I supposed to know that one email would change our relationship forever? 

 

I think our Aunt blames me for our relationship not being where it used to be. I can see it on her face. I can feel it in her energy. But I know this was not my fault. My intentions were not of malice. You sent very hurtful letters back to me. It was not my intent to hurt you. Ever. 

 

Now, I Understand

 

I have gone through a tough time since then. I have suffered much, and you have no idea. And I so desperately wanted you to love and accept me like I love and accept you now. I feel guilty because I didn’t mean to hurt you. I would never intentionally hurt you in any way. I would hope you felt the same way about me. I do not judge your lifestyle. I am not a child anymore. I now understand how offensive some statements can be, and I choose not to make those statements. 

 

I love you. I want you to love me too. 

 

 

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Happy Without You

Brandi C

The Pain of Losing a Friendship

Happy Without You

This young lady shares her feelings about losing a special friendship in Happy Without You. Friendships come and go like the ebbs and flows of the ocean. That is what I tell so many people because it puts in perspective that the things of this Earth are not forever. Yet, losing a friendship is so very hard. I always say you can either release them and enjoy the memories or hold onto them and be left with scars as Jesus rips them out of your hand.

 This story is written by a young lady who is experiencing the loss of her relationship with a friend. Her pain is evident, and this is her way of releasing those emotions healthily. I pray for peace and restoration for her and her friend. We always have to remember “but God.” He is the healer of all things in His time.

Happy Without You

 Happy Without You. Hey, you know that if you want to hang out with me, you can text me. I am not trying to make you think that I don’t give a shit about you. I would hate for you to feel that way. You know, you really should be careful of what you put out in this world. You could hurt someone. 

Hence the reason I have taken measures to prevent you from hurting me. And this is only one of many instances. I have to do this for my mental health. It was hard and hurtful to see and hear those things, these passive-aggressive, attention-seeking words that bore deep in my soul. 

My Offering and Your Response

I have offered to be friends, have fun, live our lives together, create things, and make things I knew you would like. And you decide to say some bullshit like that? And even if you didn’t mean it towards me, maybe it wasn’t your intent. Doesn’t matter. Still hurt. And sorry is not going to fix this. 

I am so sick and tired of your antics and your attention-seeking behavior. Do you even care about me? You haven’t once asked me how I have been. Not in all of this time. Not then and not now. Do you know how much that hurts? Honestly, do you know how badly I want someone I can trust? Do you know how badly I want to be your friend? 

Why Stop?

You quit texting me. Also, You stopped hanging out with me. You. Not me. This is your fault, not mine. It is all on you. You make things about yourself anyway, so why should this be any different? I feel unwelcome in your presence. Awkward is what I feel because I cannot trust you. I don’t know how to act around you. Honestly, I don’t know who you are anymore. And it is so hard that I can’t trust you anymore. 

My Reasons

So, do you want to know why I don’t make plans? Because every time I have tried, you find someone or something better for you to do. And that hurts. I would go above and beyond to make you feel welcome so you wouldn’t see my depression. So you wouldn’t have to see my anxiety. So you wouldn’t have to see my trauma. You don’t seem interested in hanging out with me. Do you ever try and point the finger at yourself? Or is it everyone else’s fault but yours? 

 

What Did I do?

 

What did I do to hurt you? Is this my fault after all? Everything is usually my fault; that comes from my trauma. But do you even care? No, you don’t bother to ask. I was there for you for everything. I helped you. I supported you. I loved you. And I got nothing in return. And I didn’t want anything. Because that is what true friendship is really like. Or have you forgotten? 

 

I don’t know who you are anymore, understand your thought process, and know why you have such disdain for me. Frankly, I don’t understand your words. I am hurt, and I can’t trust you. Trust is such a fickle thing for me. Once you break my trust, you are gone. And I gave you so many chances. But no more. I have tried and tried and tried some more to open myself up to you. 

 

What You Don’t Know

 

Do you know that I have been in trauma therapy for months? Do you know the horrors I have had to relive? Do you know how bad my depression has gotten? Do you know that I have panic attacks when I am triggered? Do you know that my anxiety is through the roof most of the time? No. BECAUSE YOU DON’T CARE. You don’t care; otherwise, you would have said something. You would have asked. 

 

I want to be passive-aggressive back to you. I want to say something so passive-aggressive it makes your blood boil. So you could know what it feels like when you say something like what you did. But I am a bigger person. So I won’t do that. And that is ok. But I secretly want you to read this. I want you to know how badly you have hurt me. I want you to know how many hours I have cried over our friendship. I want you to know. 

 

I Have Always Loved You

 

But it is getting harder and harder to love you each day. I am heartbroken. It is your fault. I am not going to sugarcoat anything. You are one of the reasons why I don’t trust anyone. I trusted you, and you broke it. I felt betrayed and so alone. Do you know how badly I wanted to be your friend? Can you even fathom it? 

 

You are one of the Best People I Have Ever Known.

 

However, I don’t even recognize you anymore. It is not because I judge you. I never have and never will. I have done enough things that I am ashamed of, and I do not feel the need to judge every single person I meet. So if that’s why you hate me so much, get that thought out of your head. I have never judged you and never will. But you have changed. The person I thought cared about me doesn’t seem to exist anymore. 

 

Someone to Trust

 

I want someone to tell my story too. That is something I want. I desire that. But I can’t do that with you. You made sure of that. Trauma is a bitch. But I have been stuck in my little bubble for so long that it is hard for me to reach out. Because of the times, I have tried to reach out, I was judged and retreated into my bubble. And now, I am working through this messy middle of trauma therapy, which is not easy. Not that you care. Again, you never asked. 

 

So instead of blaming everyone else, why don’t you start blaming yourself? You pushed everyone away, the people closest to you. I was one of those people that you drove away. You are the definition of a guilt trip. You are such a triggering person. You gaslight people into thinking that it is their fault instead of yours. Your guilt and manipulation to get your way. In a way, I am better off without you. 

 

Without You

 

Without you, I would have survived my trauma. I got married without you. Without you, I got myself into treatment. I was blessed with the best gift anyone could ask for without you. It’s currently kicking inside of me now. Without you, I would have survived my suicidal ideations. I got myself medicated without you. Without you, I got my life back on track. I got closer to Jesus without you. All of these things I did without you. 

 

And you know what? I am a freaking fantastic person. And you are missing out. So peace, love, and Spock signal. I hope you are happy. Because I sure am. Happy without you. 

 

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

You are not Hidden

Brandi C

 

You are not Hidden

You are not Hidden

That phrase. You are not Hidden. It stirs in my soul. There are days when I feel like He doesn’t see me. He doesn’t care that He doesn’t hear my prayers. I am sure other people think that, but I listened to this song. He does hear me. When I am silently crying, alone, He hears me. Then, He sends His army just for me. He doesn’t send it to Antarctica or Timbuktu. The army comes to me, wherever I might be. Now, He may not respond to me the way I want it, but He still hears me. He still answers me. Click on Lauren Daigle’s name, and it will take you to the video. Very powerful.

I have this song on my playlist. Since I listen to it often, it is one that we all stop and focus on when the kids are doing their homework. One day, listening to this, I was all up in the Spirit. I looked over to my left, and there H was sitting. His eyes closed, his hands up in the air, and he sang along. My heart almost exploded.

Rescue

~by Lauren Daigle

You are not hidden
There’s never been a moment
You were forgotten
{You} are not hopeless
Though you have been broken
Your innocence stolen
I hear you whisper underneath your breath
{I} hear your SOS, your SOS
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It’s true, I will rescue you
There is no distance
That cannot be covered
Over and over
You’re not defenseless
I’ll be your shelter
{I’ll} be your armor
I hear you whisper underneath your breath
{I} hear your SOS, your SOS
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It’s true, I will rescue you
I will never stop marching to reach you
In the middle of the hardest fight
It’s true, I will rescue you
I hear the whisper underneath your breath
{I} hear you whisper, you have nothing left
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It’s true, I will rescue you
I will never stop marching to reach you
In the middle of the hardest fight
It’s true, I will rescue you
Oh, I will rescue you
Source: LyricFind

Important Numbers

To Make It Easier!  988

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Postpartum Depression and Suicide

Brandi C

 

Postpartum Depression and Suicide

Postpartum Depression and Suicide

Postpartum Depression and Suicide are real things. The girls’ first 14 months of life were traumatizing for me as their mom. They had several health issues such as Intrauterine Growth Restriction, Small For Gestational Age, Failure To Thrive, and many other things. On the day of my 30th birthday, things took a turn. The girls were seven months old. I hadn’t heard from hardly anyone that day. I felt everyone had forgotten this birthday—honestly, even my husband. I didn’t hear from him until NOON.

 

The Plan

 

That is when Postpartum Depression and Suicide collided. On the way home that day, from running some errands, I had hit my lowest point. I was going to end it. I had it all planned out. Then, there was a moment when I heard babble. It was one of my sweet girls reminding me they were still here. It was God reminding me that He wasn’t done with me yet.

 

Getting Help

 

The next day, I spoke to a friend, and she gave me the name of her therapist. I called her and began my therapy. Therapy taught me so much about myself. I learned that grief came in many forms and looked different for everyone. I learned that the grief from losing Grandaddy and the trauma from the girls had all added up. I was suffering from Postpartum Depression (PPD). I did not get any medication because therapy was enough for me. I began to deal with my grief and even issues from my childhood that had gone unresolved.

 

Unexpected Blessing

 

When the girls were 14 months old, I unexpectedly found out I was expecting again. We also got a diagnosis for our girls at this time (just before finding out about our pregnancy). I was so scared of PPD again, but I knew I could get through it. I did well. We had a healthy boy with no IUGR (though he did have a heart defect that resolved on its own by six months of age). I first felt him kick about 16 weeks into my pregnancy. Would you like to guess what was on the radio when this happened?

 

“Baby Blues”

 

I had a little of the “baby blues” with hormones balancing back out, but I did okay. We went on to have another unexpected pregnancy that took a turn for complications at 26 weeks and again at 31 weeks. I didn’t feel him kick until about 19 weeks into my pregnancy, which scared me. Grandaddy’s song came on the radio while I was driving down the road, and I felt it. This little kick reassured me. It was his favorite song to kick as well. I had been worried about it but was told I had an anterior placenta, so that could be normal. Our sweet baby was delivered and was, again, IUGR, and the diagnosis was missed.

 

Life Got Complicated

 

Things went on, and life got complicated for a while. After a few months, I messaged my OB and my old therapist and told them I was NOT okay. My old therapist said that meds might be a good idea. My OB called me with a prescription. I also started the process to begin therapy again (and then COVID happened and put a wrench in THAT!).

 

Looking Back

 

It has been four years since that day when I thought it was all over. Two more babies have been born with our youngest, over a year old. I still think about Grandaddy every day. All of my babies know who he is and can identify him in pictures. They talk about him when they ask questions. My girls have discovered grapefruit, and one likes it. I told her that Grandaddy also loved it, so she brags about that. In so many things, I see him. I know he has truly been watching over us.

 

All Four of my Kids Still Love that Song

 

They will dance and “sing” to it. Life isn’t perfect, but I have weaned off of my anti-depressant now. Every day isn’t great, as our girls are special needs and require more care. Two days before my 34th birthday, I ended my relationship with my narcissistic mom. My 34th birthday came and went with no drama. That day was filled with peace.

 

  1. AM. A. SURVIVOR.

 

PPD and other postpartum-related illnesses affect so many. The day I turned 30, I didn’t know I was struggling with it, but I did see that I couldn’t go on. There is treatment available, and there is help. The help that will not judge you and the assistance that will support you and help you through. Please, please know that you are not alone and you are not at fault. You are strong, and you are a warrior. You can do this, and you can survive. I have battle scars, but I have fought hard, and they show that. Those scars show the fight. They remind me where I have been and that God is not done with me yet.

Resources

Postpartum HelpLine 800.944.4773

Suicide Prevention Lifeline