Tag: Letting Go

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

The Proposal

Brandi C

The Proposal

The Proposal

 

Now it is time to talk about The Proposal. After about two years, the man I was dating proposed to me at the park with no people around because I believed that proposals should be private. I had pushed so hard to be engaged because I wanted to be married, and I tried to find that love that I truly craved even though I should have been craving Jesus and his faithful and eternal love. We were engaged for only a few months before it happened. 

As I said, I do not believe in cheating, and I think it is cowardly to do to someone. One night, he and I had returned from a date, and he ran upstairs to get something from his apartment. I decided to go on his phone and take some pictures. Being the nosy person I was, I went through his text messages and found messages from a strange girl. She was only 16.

 

He Had Been Cheating on Me With a 16-Year-Old Girl.

 

I was shocked. Just shock. I turned his phone off, set it down, and waited for his return. When I questioned him about the messages, he instantly got defensive and said she was just a friend. Friends don’t ask for pictures of friends or that they wish they could kiss each other. I still remember sitting in his car, gripping my hands and digging my nails into my skin to keep from crying. I took his phone and immediately ran upstairs to the safety of my mom’s arms and showed her why I was sobbing like my heart was broken. Of course, he followed and tried to improve the situation, but my mom knew better than that. 

 

We Broke Up

 

I was heartbroken and still in shock. Honestly, I felt numb to all things in the world. I did not know any other pain except what I was feeling in my heart. You are fortunate and blessed if you have never experienced heartbreak like being cheated on by your fiance. He cheated on me not once, not twice, but three times. Three different women. 

I know I might be making this too big a deal, but I could not look at him the same at the time. Honestly, I gave him so many second chances. He begged for when he said he truly loved me. He did not understand why he cheated on me. I never got a clear answer as to why. That’s all I wanted to know. Why? What did I do wrong? Was I not pretty enough, smart enough, or thin enough? The girls he cheated on me with were beautiful. 

 

It’s Over

 

I told him that I could not do it anymore. I gave him the ring back and said to him that I would always love him and that he played a part in my life, but we needed to go our separate ways—the look in his eyes. I can still feel the pounding of my heart. I remember how clammy my hands felt and how I heard him storm out of the house and the screech of his tires down the road. 

I told my parents what had happened and I just broke down. I sobbed like I never had before. Do you know that feeling? I almost can not explain it. Three years I gave to this man, who was supposed to be my future husband, this person who I thought was my best friend and trusted partner. My grandmother and I had already put together my wedding bouquet. Then my mom and I had already looked at dresses. And all I could think about was why was I not good enough for him? Why me? What did I do to him that I deserved a cheater and a liar as a fiance?

 

Memories

 

So many memories that we created together to flush down the toilet. I was miserable for months, mainly since my ex-fiance lived in the same town as me, so I would see my ex constantly. I went through the stages of grief, and I was still not OK in the end. And to be honest, I do not think that I am OK with this. My ex’s mom blamed me for breaking his heart. His “friends” with me were confused and would not leave me alone. His brother messaged me as well. My ex blamed me and told me it was my fault that he cheated on me. Everything was my fault. And I claimed it. For a little while, he did not speak to me. 

 

Manipulation

 

One day we were texting for some reason, and he told me some terrifying things that he was going to do and that I could do nothing to help him, and that it was my fault. My mind spun out of control, and I started to have flashbacks of how manipulative he was to me when he got like this. Luckily, my mom and pastor handled the situation, and we did not speak much after that. After a few months, I ran him out of town, and I told him never to come back and talk to me again, or he would regret it. 

 

Consumed in Anger

 

The anger I felt towards him consumed my life, which turned into bitterness. Even now, I still see his patterns in men who try to date me. My life spun out of control, and I made very poor choices. I still do not understand how I could have been so stupid and blind to stay with him for as long as I did. And for the longest time, I despised him. 

I convinced myself that I did not fit the mold of a woman’s appearance. Dress like. Even act like in this modern world. I let myself go. Furthermore, I kept all of my emotions bottled up and stuffed deep down. I did this so I would not have to deal with the pain. Honestly, I think that I have kept it bottled up for so long. I have blocked out those memories so quickly that I am still crying while writing this piece.

The Hotline

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Happy Without You

Brandi C

The Pain of Losing a Friendship

Happy Without You

This young lady shares her feelings about losing a special friendship in Happy Without You. Friendships come and go like the ebbs and flows of the ocean. That is what I tell so many people because it puts in perspective that the things of this Earth are not forever. Yet, losing a friendship is so very hard. I always say you can either release them and enjoy the memories or hold onto them and be left with scars as Jesus rips them out of your hand.

 This story is written by a young lady who is experiencing the loss of her relationship with a friend. Her pain is evident, and this is her way of releasing those emotions healthily. I pray for peace and restoration for her and her friend. We always have to remember “but God.” He is the healer of all things in His time.

Happy Without You

 Happy Without You. Hey, you know that if you want to hang out with me, you can text me. I am not trying to make you think that I don’t give a shit about you. I would hate for you to feel that way. You know, you really should be careful of what you put out in this world. You could hurt someone. 

Hence the reason I have taken measures to prevent you from hurting me. And this is only one of many instances. I have to do this for my mental health. It was hard and hurtful to see and hear those things, these passive-aggressive, attention-seeking words that bore deep in my soul. 

My Offering and Your Response

I have offered to be friends, have fun, live our lives together, create things, and make things I knew you would like. And you decide to say some bullshit like that? And even if you didn’t mean it towards me, maybe it wasn’t your intent. Doesn’t matter. Still hurt. And sorry is not going to fix this. 

I am so sick and tired of your antics and your attention-seeking behavior. Do you even care about me? You haven’t once asked me how I have been. Not in all of this time. Not then and not now. Do you know how much that hurts? Honestly, do you know how badly I want someone I can trust? Do you know how badly I want to be your friend? 

Why Stop?

You quit texting me. Also, You stopped hanging out with me. You. Not me. This is your fault, not mine. It is all on you. You make things about yourself anyway, so why should this be any different? I feel unwelcome in your presence. Awkward is what I feel because I cannot trust you. I don’t know how to act around you. Honestly, I don’t know who you are anymore. And it is so hard that I can’t trust you anymore. 

My Reasons

So, do you want to know why I don’t make plans? Because every time I have tried, you find someone or something better for you to do. And that hurts. I would go above and beyond to make you feel welcome so you wouldn’t see my depression. So you wouldn’t have to see my anxiety. So you wouldn’t have to see my trauma. You don’t seem interested in hanging out with me. Do you ever try and point the finger at yourself? Or is it everyone else’s fault but yours? 

 

What Did I do?

 

What did I do to hurt you? Is this my fault after all? Everything is usually my fault; that comes from my trauma. But do you even care? No, you don’t bother to ask. I was there for you for everything. I helped you. I supported you. I loved you. And I got nothing in return. And I didn’t want anything. Because that is what true friendship is really like. Or have you forgotten? 

 

I don’t know who you are anymore, understand your thought process, and know why you have such disdain for me. Frankly, I don’t understand your words. I am hurt, and I can’t trust you. Trust is such a fickle thing for me. Once you break my trust, you are gone. And I gave you so many chances. But no more. I have tried and tried and tried some more to open myself up to you. 

 

What You Don’t Know

 

Do you know that I have been in trauma therapy for months? Do you know the horrors I have had to relive? Do you know how bad my depression has gotten? Do you know that I have panic attacks when I am triggered? Do you know that my anxiety is through the roof most of the time? No. BECAUSE YOU DON’T CARE. You don’t care; otherwise, you would have said something. You would have asked. 

 

I want to be passive-aggressive back to you. I want to say something so passive-aggressive it makes your blood boil. So you could know what it feels like when you say something like what you did. But I am a bigger person. So I won’t do that. And that is ok. But I secretly want you to read this. I want you to know how badly you have hurt me. I want you to know how many hours I have cried over our friendship. I want you to know. 

 

I Have Always Loved You

 

But it is getting harder and harder to love you each day. I am heartbroken. It is your fault. I am not going to sugarcoat anything. You are one of the reasons why I don’t trust anyone. I trusted you, and you broke it. I felt betrayed and so alone. Do you know how badly I wanted to be your friend? Can you even fathom it? 

 

You are one of the Best People I Have Ever Known.

 

However, I don’t even recognize you anymore. It is not because I judge you. I never have and never will. I have done enough things that I am ashamed of, and I do not feel the need to judge every single person I meet. So if that’s why you hate me so much, get that thought out of your head. I have never judged you and never will. But you have changed. The person I thought cared about me doesn’t seem to exist anymore. 

 

Someone to Trust

 

I want someone to tell my story too. That is something I want. I desire that. But I can’t do that with you. You made sure of that. Trauma is a bitch. But I have been stuck in my little bubble for so long that it is hard for me to reach out. Because of the times, I have tried to reach out, I was judged and retreated into my bubble. And now, I am working through this messy middle of trauma therapy, which is not easy. Not that you care. Again, you never asked. 

 

So instead of blaming everyone else, why don’t you start blaming yourself? You pushed everyone away, the people closest to you. I was one of those people that you drove away. You are the definition of a guilt trip. You are such a triggering person. You gaslight people into thinking that it is their fault instead of yours. Your guilt and manipulation to get your way. In a way, I am better off without you. 

 

Without You

 

Without you, I would have survived my trauma. I got married without you. Without you, I got myself into treatment. I was blessed with the best gift anyone could ask for without you. It’s currently kicking inside of me now. Without you, I would have survived my suicidal ideations. I got myself medicated without you. Without you, I got my life back on track. I got closer to Jesus without you. All of these things I did without you. 

 

And you know what? I am a freaking fantastic person. And you are missing out. So peace, love, and Spock signal. I hope you are happy. Because I sure am. Happy without you. 

 

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma

Reflecting on Nesting Bird Wisdom

Brandi C

Reflecting on Nesting Bird Wisdom

Reflecting on Nesting Bird Wisdom

I was reflecting on Nesting Bird Wisdom from my sister a year ago. After a tough weekend, emotionally, I had my early Monday morning chat with my sister. We chit-chatted about nothing and everything. Then we moved into what my triggers were from the past weekend.

A statement swirls around in my head from another friend I told Tera. My friend said, “Brandi, you have to have a release. You have to find someone you can trust. Get this stuff off your chest. Cry if you need to cry.” My statement back to her was, “I had that person. She died. Now I don’t share or talk. I stuff it all down.”

Tera agreed with my friend. We talked about the stages of grief. Also, I have had no time to grieve anything over the past several years. I’ve gone from one hit to another. There has been little time to breathe. Sadly, no time to grieve. Sadly, there was no time to release the pain and emotion from everything that had happened.

Then, she took it one step further.

She said: “Brandi, it’s okay to have birds fly around your head (referring, of course, to grief, depression, anxiety, etc), but you can’t let them make a nest in your hair.”

I agreed. Then, I wiped my tears and got off the phone. Next, I went to the bathroom.

What I saw was a thing of fear and horror. My hair was straight up (circa 80-the 90s) in that great curly, let it be free, windblown hair.

I texted my sister and asked her to define “Nest in Hair.”

So, my birds have nested, and now it is time for them to fly south.

Bye, Bye Birdie. The bird has flown away!