I Wonder What I Will Be Like

I wonder what kind of mom I will be

{I} get anxious thinking about it

I wanted this for so long

But now that it is here, I am scared

Love and Fear

I love you more than life itself

But you scare me

I don’t want to blink and you will be gone

The thought of losing you is unbearable

And you aren’t even here yet

My Desire

I want to be a good mom

But I know I will make mistakes

I want to admit to you when I make a mistake

So you know that it’s ok to make mistakes

As long as we learn from them

What I See

I see so many families

Hurting, every day

Because of poor choices, the parents made

I can’t be that kind of mom

You don’t deserve that

What You Deserve

{You} deserve everything

You deserve the world

I want to preserve your innocence

Shield you from this world

Will I?

I wonder if I will be good enough

That is the theme of my life

It has always been there

It always will be

Love

I love you more than life itself

But I wonder if I will be a good mom

You deserve a good mom

I want to be that for you

A Diagnosis Does Not Define You

End the Stigma, Quotes

Perspective from Mr. Rogers

June 8, 2021April 4, 2025 Brandi C

Perspective from Mr. Rogers

Here is some Perspective from Mr. Rogers from Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood. This is what to do when you overreact and have regret. “Many people have asked me do you ever get mad and of course I answer “well yes, everyone gets mad sometimes.” The important thing is what we do with the mad that we feel in life.

A few weeks ago coming home from a particularly tough day at work, I stopped to see my two grandsons. Their mom and dad weren’t there but the boys were there with the babysitter in the backyard, squirting water with hoses. I could see that they were really having fun. but I felt that I needed to let them know that I didn’t want to be squirted.

Do Not Squirt Me

So I told them so, and little by little, I could feel that the older boy, Alexander, was testing the limit until finally, his hose was squirting very close to where I was standing. I said to him in my harshest voice, Okay, that’s it alexander turn off the water, you’ve had it.

He did as I told him and said he was sorry and looked very sad. The more I thought about it, the sadder I got. I realized Alexander had not squirted me. That I had stepped into his and his brother’s playtime with a lot of feelings leftover from work.

Guilt

So when I got home, I called Alexander, on the phone. I told him I felt awful about my visit with him. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I was taking out my anger from work on him. I told him I was really sorry.

Do you know how he answered me? Oh, Baba, everybody makes mistakes sometimes. I nearly cried. I was so touched by his naturally generous heart. I realized that if I hadn’t called him, I might not have ever received that wonderful gift of Alexander’s sweet forgiveness.”

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

What is Normal

October 14, 2020May 11, 2025 Brandi C

~What is normal and what is not normal? My guest blogger tries to determine this for herself.~

What is Normal

I sit, and I wait, and I try to think about what I can do to make myself normal

Or at least more acceptable

I could hang out with some friends

Go watch some tv and sit and chat

But I have to make sure I stay on topics that wouldn’t make me lie to feel like I fit in

That I feel the way they do about everything

Or something more than others

So maybe not that

What Should I Do?

Maybe I could go on a date

Oh no, that could be trouble

What if my friends find out I’m looking at

So no, not that

Ok, so I know what’s safe

Just go to bed and get some rest

But then, when I go to bed, my mind won’t shut off

And I’m stuck with the thoughts that I’m trying to ignore.

When I get here

This is when it gets ugly

This is when the spiral goes down

This is when I try to hurt myself

The Power of Small Breaks

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Misery Loves Company

October 7, 2020May 11, 2025 Brandi C

Misery Loves Company

Misery loves company they say

But is it the misery the person wants to share

Or are they looking to someone for help?

But instead, bring them down too

Is the misery more infectious than the need for help?

Or does the person just not want it enough

Personally, I think I would rather suffer alone

Then to bring a friend down with me

I don’t want my friends and family to feel like this

I wouldn’t want anyone to feel like this

Like the whole world is sitting on my shoulders

just waiting for them to make the wrong move.

Just Waiting

Waiting for them to slip

Waiting for them to pull someone in

Waiting for them to not be alone

So they will share the misery

I don’t want to be infectious with hate

I don’t want to put bad things in people’s mind

I’d much rather put in light and love

But where can I start

To get back to that person

That everyone loved to be around

The person that was infectious to laughter

The person that loved others and at least liked herself

I guess I should start at the beginning again

And try to learn a new way of dealing with my sin

Instead of storing it away and letting it fester

I need to let it go and pray that it will work out in the end

Because I’d much rather love myself and help others

Then hate myself and essentially drown them

I don’t want to feed them the lies that I believe

That I’m not good enough

That I’m not worthy

Because we are good enough

We are all worthy of love

And not the misery.

Everything is Gonna be Okay

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

You are not Hidden

September 30, 2020January 4, 2026 Brandi C

You are not Hidden

That phrase. You are not Hidden. It stirs in my soul. There are days when I feel like He doesn’t see me. He doesn’t care that He doesn’t hear my prayers. I am sure other people think that, but I listened to this song. He does hear me. When I am silently crying, alone, He hears me. Then, He sends His army just for me. He doesn’t send it to Antarctica or Timbuktu. The army comes to me, wherever I might be. Now, He may not respond to me the way I want it, but He still hears me. He still answers me. Click on Lauren Daigle’s name, and it will take you to the video. Very powerful.

I have this song on my playlist. Since I listen to it often, it is one that we all stop and focus on when the kids are doing their homework. One day, listening to this, I was all up in the Spirit. I looked over to my left, and there H was sitting. His eyes closed, his hands up in the air, and he sang along. My heart almost exploded.

Rescue

~by Lauren Daigle

You are not hidden
There’s never been a moment
You were forgotten
{You} are not hopeless
Though you have been broken
Your innocence stolen

I hear you whisper underneath your breath
{I} hear your SOS, your SOS

I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It’s true, I will rescue you

There is no distance
That cannot be covered
Over and over
You’re not defenseless
I’ll be your shelter
{I’ll} be your armor

I hear you whisper underneath your breath
{I} hear your SOS, your SOS

I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It’s true, I will rescue you

I will never stop marching to reach you
In the middle of the hardest fight
It’s true, I will rescue you

I hear the whisper underneath your breath
{I} hear you whisper, you have nothing left

I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It’s true, I will rescue you

I will never stop marching to reach you
In the middle of the hardest fight
It’s true, I will rescue you

Oh, I will rescue you

Source: LyricFind

Important Numbers

To Make It Easier! 988

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma

Reflecting on Nesting Bird Wisdom

April 25, 2019May 11, 2025 Brandi C

Reflecting on Nesting Bird Wisdom

I was reflecting on Nesting Bird Wisdom from my sister a year ago. After a tough weekend, emotionally, I had my early Monday morning chat with my sister. We chit-chatted about nothing and everything. Then we moved into what my triggers were from the past weekend.

A statement swirls around in my head from another friend I told Tera. My friend said, “Brandi, you have to have a release. You have to find someone you can trust. Get this stuff off your chest. Cry if you need to cry.” My statement back to her was, “I had that person. She died. Now I don’t share or talk. I stuff it all down.”

Tera agreed with my friend. We talked about the stages of grief. Also, I have had no time to grieve anything over the past several years. I’ve gone from one hit to another. There has been little time to breathe. Sadly, no time to grieve. Sadly, there was no time to release the pain and emotion from everything that had happened.

Then, she took it one step further.

She said: “Brandi, it’s okay to have birds fly around your head (referring, of course, to grief, depression, anxiety, etc), but you can’t let them make a nest in your hair.”

I agreed. Then, I wiped my tears and got off the phone. Next, I went to the bathroom.

What I saw was a thing of fear and horror. My hair was straight up (circa 80-the 90s) in that great curly, let it be free, windblown hair.

I texted my sister and asked her to define “Nest in Hair.”

So, my birds have nested, and now it is time for them to fly south.

Bye, Bye Birdie. The bird has flown away!

Tag: personal reflection

I Wonder What I Will Be Like