Tag: Support

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma

Courage in EnCOURAGE

Brandi C

nothing is impossible when you put one foot in front of the other and take a step. (1)

The Power of Encouragement: A Call to Love and Lift Others

Did you ever notice the word courage in encourage? Encouraging someone takes little effort but can change a life. We may not always agree with what others do or believe, but at the end of the day, does their life truly harm us? Our role is not to judge but to love and show the unconditional love of Christ.

Choosing Encouragement Over Judgment

In a world divided by politics, religion, parenting styles, and personal choices, it’s easy to focus on differences. But we can choose love over division. Encouragement is a powerful force—one kind word, one thoughtful gesture, one moment of understanding can make a profound impact.

Too often, people feel isolated in their struggles. Some battle deep sadness, despair, and even suicidal thoughts, yet they mask it so well we never see their pain. A simple word of encouragement might be the very thing that reminds them they are not alone.

The Life-Saving Power of Kindness

We don’t always know what others are going through. A smile, a genuine “I see you,” or a heartfelt “You matter” can be a lifeline. Encouragement doesn’t require us to have all the answers—it requires us to be present, to listen, and to offer hope.

Christ’s love is not conditional. He loved without barriers, without prerequisites. We are called to do the same. Whether or not we agree with someone’s lifestyle or choices, we can still choose compassion. Love does not mean endorsement—it means recognizing the humanity in others and treating them with kindness.

Practical Ways to Encourage Others

  1. Offer a Kind Word – A small compliment or acknowledgment can make a difference.
  2. Listen Without Judgment – Sometimes, people just need to be heard.
  3. Show Up – Be present for someone, even in silence.
  4. Practice Empathy – Seek to understand rather than criticize.
  5. Be the Light – A little encouragement goes a long way.

Be the Reason Someone Keeps Going

Encouragement doesn’t just lift others—it transforms us, too. When we choose to uplift rather than tear down, we reflect the love of Christ and create a world where no one feels invisible.

So today, take a moment to encourage someone. You never know how much they might need it. A simple act of kindness could be the reason someone chooses to hold on for one more day.

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

📞 Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

Related Posts

Facing Fear God is Bigger

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma

Nothing is Impossible: One Step at a Time

Brandi C

nothing is impossible when you put one foot in front of the other and take a step.

Nothing is Impossible: One Step at a Time

Life throws obstacles our way, making goals seem unreachable. But nothing is impossible when we take one step at a time. Progress isn’t about giant leaps—it’s about consistent, small steps forward.

The Power of a Single Step

Every journey begins with a step. A child learning to walk stumbles but keeps going. The world’s greatest achievements are built on persistence, not perfection.

Overcoming Fear of Failure

Fear—of failure, judgment, or the unknown—holds us back. Yet, failure is a stepping stone to success. Thomas Edison saw each failed attempt as a step closer to invention. The only true failure is not trying.

Breaking Goals into Small Steps

Big goals feel overwhelming, but breaking them down makes them achievable. Writing a book? Start with a page a day. Losing weight? Begin with small, healthy choices. Each step builds momentum.

The Role of Consistency and Patience

Success isn’t instant. Consistency and patience are key. Some days feel like setbacks, but as long as you keep moving, you’re progressing. Trust the process.

Stories of Perseverance

Helen Keller, despite being blind and deaf, learned to communicate and became an advocate. They kept moving forward.

Faith and Belief

Believing in yourself opens doors to possibility. Doubt will arise, but remind yourself why you started. Surround yourself with encouragers and take steps forward, even in uncertainty.

Practical Steps

  1. Set Small Goals – Break tasks into achievable steps.
  2. Create a Routine – Daily habits build success.
  3. Celebrate Wins – Acknowledge progress.
  4. Silence Doubt – Replace negativity with affirmations.
  5. Seek Support – Surround yourself with positivity.
  6. Keep Moving – Any step forward is progress.

The Journey is Worth It

Success is a of small, consistent steps. The dream that seems distant now will become reality if you stay committed. Take that first step—then another. Before long, you’ll look back and see how far you’ve come.

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

📞 Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

Related Posts

Not All Scars Can Be Seen

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma

It is Okay to Ask for Help

Brandi C

untitled design (2)

It Is Okay to Ask for Help

Somewhere along the way, we’ve been told that asking for help is a sign of weakness. That struggling alone is more admirable than admitting we need support. But that’s a lie. Asking for help is not weakness—it’s courage.

Life can be overwhelming. Some days feel heavier than others, and no matter how strong you are, you weren’t meant to carry it all alone. You don’t have to pretend you’re okay when you’re not. It’s okay to say, “I need help.” Whether that means reaching out to a friend, a therapist, a loved one, or even just admitting to yourself that things feel hard right now—it all matters.

Maybe you’re afraid of being a burden. But listen—you are not a burden. The people who love you want to be there for you. And if you don’t have that support system yet, there are people out there who care, who will listen, and who want to help. You are not alone in this.

Small steps count. Maybe today, “asking for help” looks like texting a friend, scheduling an appointment, or simply letting yourself acknowledge that you don’t have to do everything on your own. That is enough.

You are worthy of support. You deserve kindness, including from yourself. And no matter what your anxious thoughts tell you, you are never too much, never too broken, and never beyond help.

Let’s normalize asking for what we need. Let’s remind each other that strength is found in connection. And let’s keep fighting the darkness—together.

💛 You are not alone. Keep going.

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

📞 Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

Related Posts

Self-Care for Your Mental Health

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

In the Still of the Night The Monster Comes to Play

Brandi C

In the Still of the Night The Monster Comes to Play

In the Still of the Night, The Monster Comes to Play

The Monster in the Silence

I love the time of day when I can go upstairs and just be. For the day, I am done. I am done with work, cooking, cleaning, putting out fires, phone calls, texts, and all the other things that demand my attention. My stuff, a bottle of water, and my Coke come upstairs with me. I turn on all the fans, dim the lights, wash my face, and pile up in bed. Yet, in the still of the night, the monster comes to play. For a while, I am okay, but then my mind begins to wander. A wandering mind is never a good thing for me.

The Silence

My life is SO loud. My son is a chatterbox, people at work, the lights, traffic—just all the things. I stopped listening to music in the house (or car); the television is rarely on. Even chewing can grind my gears. Everything is loud. At night, though, aside from the fans, it’s silent, except for the thoughts in my head.

These thoughts aren’t good. In the past, I would watch the Detail Geek (the car detailing guy from Canada) and talk to a sweet friend. We’d chat through his details, laugh, and catch up on life. We’d talk about our issues, the issues with our children, and all the things. It was good to have that voice in my ear, even when we sat in silence. This became a nightly ritual that I came to enjoy.

Since she passed away, I stopped watching him. I get so emotional when I do. Then, I go to pick up the phone and realize she isn’t there. There’s that realization that most of the people I held dear to my heart have passed. I still have people I can call, but we are all in the thick of life. Without that calm, consistent voice, the unresolved trauma of life and loss floods me with grief because now I’m left with just myself and my thoughts.

Reality

When my friend’s daughter died (we were good friends before her mom and I became friends), I didn’t process her death for a year. Her death was so hard on me. I loved LA from the moment I met her until the moment we buried her. Donna and I were always close, but after LA’s passing, our bond became unbreakable.

There’s one night that stands out, and I still remember it vividly. I called Donna because my thoughts were so loud, and I was finally processing LA’s death. Here I am, crying so hard that I couldn’t breathe, and Donna, who had lost her daughter, comforted me. She couldn’t understand me through my sobs, but finally, she told me to stop crying and tell her two things that made me laugh when I thought of LA.

Bats. Hair dye.
Instantly, I stopped crying. I replayed that story over and over in my head. The darkness began to have a bit of light, and the monster retreated for a moment. But now, Donna is gone, and so is LA. I don’t have anyone to tell that story to. So, once again, the monster comes out to play in the stillness of the night. When I am alone with my own thoughts, the depression begins to overwhelm me.

Bats. Hair dye.
Bats. Hair dye.
Monsters go away because I do not want to play. LA’s birthday is coming up soon, and I often think of her children. I’m still in communication with them, but if it’s this hard for me, I can’t imagine what it’s like for them. Their pain is so deep, with so much loss at such a young age.

Cancer, Suicide, and Depression

Cancer is cruel, and it took Donna way too quickly. From diagnosis to her death was only nine days. You know what’s worse? Suicide. Please know that you are enough, you are worthy, you are loved, and life is better with you in it! Please reach out to a friend, pastor, counselor, therapist, or call 911 or 988, the National Suicide Hotline number.

Whereas Donna passed quickly from cancer, LA struggled with mental illness and made a choice that forever impacted all those who loved her. She has been on my mind a lot lately, especially with her birthday on the 14th and her death day on June 17th.

There are things that can help—counseling, fresh air, prayer, talking to someone, eating protein, drinking water, practicing self-care, reading, and many more. These things can help take your mind off of your current circumstances and focus on more positive things.

Please, reach out! You are loved.

Related Posts

Creating Simplicity in a Working Mom’s Life

 

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

The Reality of my Nightmare

Brandi C

The Reality of my Nightmare

In The Reality of my Nightmare, my guest blogger writes about her interpretation of the trials that surrounded her. She writes it as if she were me. I read it the morning of my friend’s funeral. She is pretty spot on in all that she said.

The Reality of my Nightmare

Writing this seems like a nightmare

I am waiting to wake up from this nightmare because of how real it feels. But when I open my eyes, it will all go away. No. This nightmare is real. I can’t believe this is happening to me. Why? Why me? What did I do wrong to cause these people to knock on my door? Who has been watching me and observing my every movement? 

I am afraid

Afraid to raise my voice even the slightest bit because someone might be watching. Also, I am scared to take my child to the other room for fear that someone might think I will punish them. Afraid to go out in public with my child for fear that someone will judge me the wrong way and call them again. Why me? 

Raising Kids

Raising kids is hard, especially 7 of them. They are all so different in so many ways. Yet, I would not change a single hair on their head because I love them so much. I love my kids with every fiber of my being. I would gladly take any strife or burdens off their shoulders. I will put them on my own if it helps them and their future. 

My kids are special.

Some have mentally challenging issues. Then, others have some physical problems that need my constant attention. Being a mom is hard. It is tiring even. Yet, I am glad God chose these beautiful children to be mine. 

I love fiercely and will do anything in my power to protect them from the world and its temptations. Sometimes, I help others before I think about myself and my needs. I have run ragged, going in different directions to help those in need as God calls me to do. Honestly, I try to open myself up to other moms in various clubs and organizations my kids participate. I try to help them and converse with them when they need a friend or a shoulder to cry on. 

But You

You took care of my child when he played sports on your team. He became best friends with your kids. I thought you loved him like one of your own. He stayed at your house and slept over so many nights. Every time, he had a blast when he came home beaming from ear to ear. He would tell me all about how fun it is at your house. 

Invitation then Betrayal

I invited you into my home, which we manage to keep clean amongst the chaos of having multiple children and animals in the house. And yet, you betrayed my trust by calling them. Why? Why me? 

You know my child is well-fed. We give him clothes and things to toys. Furthermore, we keep him involved in sports. Importantly, we teach him the love of Jesus in everything we do. We fight for him daily because he is different. And that’s okay because I love him so much.

How Would You Feel

You are a mother with kids of your own. How would you feel if someone called them? They showed up at your doorstep asking to be invited in. Then ask you probing questions about your home and relationships with your kids? And what if you found out that it was a supposed “friend” who called them on you. 

How would you feel? 

Betrayed? 

Confused? 

I should hope so. 

That is how I felt. 

Terrifying Agony

The terrifying agony that my kids could be ripped away from me with no warning. Sadly, the wailing and uncontrollable sobbing happened in my car when I got the call. My heart can’t take it anymore. I am so tired of having to justify myself to these people. Justify every action that I do and every word that comes out of my mouth. 

How would you feel? 

Would you demand an explanation from your “friend” and say some nasty things to them in retaliation? Would you constantly look over your shoulder to make sure no one was watching you if you ever had to punish your child in public? Or are you one of those parents letting their children run amuck and do whatever they want? 

Either way, I want you to know that it is understandable if you did not know the family or had never been in their home and seen how the family operates. It would be understandable if you didn’t know my son or me. 

But you did know us. 

I was at every game. I talked to you all the time. And yet, you still called. I could trust you. You have betrayed my trust. But I choose to let God be in control of my situation. I prefer to let God judge your actions when you get to Heaven instead of judging you, which I am not called to do. 

Honestly, I choose to love like Jesus with skin on and be the city on a hill for you. I prefer to let God listen to my sorrowful prayers and collect my tears in a jar. Furthermore, I choose to let God pick me up and comfort me because he knows I am the mom He called me to be. I am not perfect. But God does not call us to be perfect. He calls us to be his disciples and to love our neighbor in his word. 

My house may be messy sometimes, and my kids may drive me crazy most days, but in what reality is home always tidy and the kids always clean and well-behaved? I would love to meet those people and that family. 

Haven’t you ever made a mistake as a parent? 

Because if you say no, that is a bold-faced lie. We fail daily at things. The key is learning from those mistakes, moving on, and leaving the past behind us. Those failures are also successes. I have put several of my kids through a full education (and I have homeschooled them for many years as well). Two of them graduated with honors, which is a huge accomplishment.

Mama Pride

One of my kids is married with a baby on the way. I could not be happier for my sweet child. My smallest child is excelling at what doctors told us would be impossible. Yet, with me by his side, he has survived those odds. 

The moments of pride I feel for the children I raised surpass the moments of sadness I think when things like this happen. I choose to find the beauty in the ashes. I will stand tall and not be shaken by people’s opinions of my family and me.

My Choices

So I will also choose to continue to stand by my children and attend every activity, club, and sporting event they are in. And if you other moms judge me or whisper tall tales about me that are not even true, I will smile and turn the other cheek as God has called me to, even if it is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Cruelty of Others

People can be so cruel nowadays, and they always look at the plank in someone else’s eye rather than focusing on the speck of dirt in their eye. Words can slice through a person and bring them down when we should be standing together as moms and supporting one another rather than bringing them down and jumping to conclusions by calling the organization before they have the facts straight. 

No, we moms are not perfect. But we are doing the best we can with the circumstances we are currently in and the children with whom the Lord has blessed us. I will continue to be the city on a hill and shine my light bright for my kids and you. 

And I know deep down in my heart that God will be pleased with my strength and integrity, and when I get to Heaven, He will say, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” I can not wait for that day to come. 

In the meantime

I will continue to be the most fantastic mom to my kids and a faithful spouse to my husband. I am showing them the light of God. Continuing to shield them from the world will be a lifelong journey, but I would not change one thing about it, not for you or any other mom who says a spiteful word towards me. 

I will pray for you even though it is painful. Because in my darkest moments, I cling to Jesus the most, and when my faith is tested, I come out stronger than ever because my Redeemer is with me. No more hiding. No more fear. I will not be afraid. 

 

Quotes

Quote by Mary Katherine Backstrom

Brandi C

Quote by Mary Katherine Backstrom

Quote by Mary Katherine Backstrom

“I love when somebody says about a woman, ‘Oh, she’s too much.  She’s too much for me.”  Too much of what?  Too much of an opinion?  She laughs too loudly?  Stands too tall?  Takes up too much space?  What would be the right amount and not too much?  She’d have to be less.  That’s what you are saying.  You’re saying BE LESS, if she’s too much.  You know what I think?  I think she should not give a f*ck about what you think about her.”  ~ Quote by Mary Katherine Backstrom

All the Feels

Oh, does this stir up so many emotions inside? Throughout my life, I’ve been told a lot of things. I’ve been called too loud, too opinionated, and told I can’t Biblically submit to my husband because I’m too “Type A.” I’ve been told that no one will ever take me seriously because I ask questions, or because my hair is pink (currently purple).

For the last two years, I’ve been told that I’m not a good mom because of these very traits. That I shouldn’t be raising my children. I’ve been told to quiet down, conform, be small, be less than, fit in, don’t make waves, and shut up.

The weight of those words has been heavy, but I’m learning that they don’t define me. They don’t define my worth, my voice, or my purpose. And neither do they define who I am as a mother.

Shrinking

For a while now, I’ve been shrinking back. Staying home, sleeping too much, eating too much, crying, and hiding. I allowed others to walk all over me, spoke to me in ways I would never have tolerated before, and accepted far more than I should have. I’ve been holding back in so many areas of my life.

But it really hit me when I was getting ready to go on a little day trip to see family. For the first time in a while, I did my hair, put on makeup, and chose an outfit that covered almost all of my tattoos. It was something that felt like it “fit” the expectations of what a woman my age should wear—nothing too attention-grabbing. I even put on a pair of shoes that I thought would be seen as acceptable.

When we arrived, I ended up sitting quietly in a corner, smiling as I was supposed to. I spoke when prompted and tried to take up as little space as possible—physically and emotionally.

The funny thing is, the shoes I wore didn’t faze anyone in that room, except for three people. They commented on them, as if they were surprised by the fact that I wasn’t wearing something that felt truly me. I told them I didn’t want to embarrass anyone and that I just wanted to blend in.

But that moment stayed with me. It reminded me that I was trying to shrink myself, to fit in and avoid standing out. The truth is, I didn’t just want to blend—I wanted to hide. But even when I tried to do so, my authenticity couldn’t be ignored. I realized in that moment: I’m not meant to blend. I’m meant to stand tall and embrace who I truly am.

Words of Love and Wisdom

My sister—her face, her love—it’s undeniable. She looked at me and asked, Why would you want to blend in?

We wanted you here for who you are, not for any other reason.

She loves me for me. All of me. The sparkly, glittery, tattooed, purple-haired human that I am.

But standing tall hasn’t always felt safe. When I draw attention to myself, I get the judgmental looks, the cutting words—the ones that don’t lift but tear down. The actions of others have altered the course of my life in ways I never wanted. So, I tried to shrink and make myself small. I want to be present but unseen and to love my people and support them—without taking up space.

But her words have been bouncing around in my head ever since. Then, I heard this quote, and suddenly, everything began to fall into place:

I am NOT too much.
Space? I am ALLOWED to take up space.
I am BEAUTIFULLY AND WONDERFULLY created.

And these adult bullies—they will not stop me from being who I am. I’ve allowed them to take up too much of my mind, my heart, my confidence. And you know what? Enough is enough.

I Am

Going to have purple hair.

Getting more tattoos.

Going to swear occasionally.

Fluffy.

Amazing.

Enough.

Good.

Great mom.

Excellent Lolli.

AMAZING wife.

Beautiful.

Creative.

Feminine.

Worthy.

I am a child of the King.

Love Yourself

To those reading this—you are all of these things, too! Be bold, be loud, be soft, be quiet—be you. If you want to wear a crop top, do it. Throw on all the glitter, color your hair, have opinions, and love people who see the world differently than you. That’s what we are called to do.

Some of my closest friends are my complete opposites, and guess what? I love that. I learn from them, respect them, and cherish them. No matter your size, age, beliefs, background, or family dynamics—you are worthy of love, and I have no desire to judge you. I’ve felt the weight of judgment far too long myself.

My tribe may be as small as a period at the end of a sentence, but they are faithful and true. We can have deep conversations, disagree, and still love each other fiercely. That’s because we see each other, allow space for one another to exist fully, and celebrate the beauty of being exactly who we are.

Ooooh.

ALL. THE. FEELS.

Related Posts

What Do You Want To Do?

Mary Katherine Backstrom

 

 

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

LA Came in Like a Tornado

Brandi C

LA Came in Like a Tornado

Leigh Ann Came in Like a Tornado

Ten years ago, I met a brassy blond girl at a ballpark. She had a crass mouth and a nasty smoking habit. She was loud and obnoxious. A person people moved away from when they saw her. She did not dress the part, talk the part, and certainly did not behave the part of what society deems “normal.” 

Yet, I was drawn to her. I saw myself in her—the girl that no one wanted to be friends with, the outcast. I have a deep love for those who seem unlovable. I see through the facade of what someone presents. I see their heart—that deep desire to fit in, yet the complete inability to do so.

Seeing a Bit of Jesus in Her

In my mind, I can close my eyes and see all the bright dots of Jesus throughout her. I just knew when those dots connected; she would be an unstoppable force of nature for the Kingdom.

I fell in love with this girl, her children, her brother, and her parents. We were a tight-knit group of misfits. I was blessed to be able to lead her to Christ one spring day. After she accepted Christ, I gave her a hot pink Bible. It was her favorite color. She loved Jesus with all her heart.

Mental Illness

She also struggled with mental illness. Despite her love for Jesus, she had good days and bad days. What bonded us was that I, too, suffer from mental illness. I have clinical depression. She had onset bipolar disorder. 

One thing I want you all to hear is that you can still love Jesus without abandon and still struggle with different types of mental illness. That does not mean you love Him less than someone who does not struggle.

How Did She Change My World?

She taught me how to accept those who were not “normal.” Also, she taught me to walk towards the waves instead of away from them. Live life without fear of abandonment and to hell what people thought of you.

Did I change her world? I hope I did. She made me a better person, and I hope I had some effect on her. Her mom always said that I did. I sure do love her children and now grandchildren. We were good for each other, for the most part.

Does it Change the World to Stand in the Gap?

Yes, it does the world when you brush and braid a friend’s hair for the last time? Also, when you begin painting her nails and toenails her favorite color? Does it change the world to wipe the ants off of her body while you are bathing her? What about closing her eyes for the last time?

Yes, it does change the world. It changed for LA’s children, her mother, and her brother. It also changed me and it showed me what the phrase “be Jesus with skin on” really means. Sacrificial love and service for her and her family.

LA, you are loved, thought of, and missed daily.

Related Posts

Don’t Quit Just Do It

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger

To the Person That’s Been There Through it All

Brandi C

 

To the Person That’s Been There Through it All

To the Person That’s Been There Through it All

To the Person That’s Been There Through it All

Thank you

And thank you for caring

Thank you for sharing

And thank you for loving me

When I felt that no one ever could

 

Cared for Me When No One Else Could

You didn’t have to do any of those things

But for some odd reason, you did

You cared for me when no one else could

You shared with me to try to help me understand

And you loved me when I needed it the most

On top of all that you’ve treated me like your own

 

Helped Me Grow

You’ve helped me grow to understand who I am

And who to look to when I am in need

To search for Jesus first instead of the worst.

and to consider Him in mind with my choices first.

You’ve shown me what it feels like to be loved by choice

Not by obligation

 

I Love You

And I just wanted you to know that I thank you

And most importantly I love you.

 

Trevor Project

The Trevor Project is an American nonprofit organization founded in 1998. Focused on suicide prevention efforts among lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and questioning youth, they offer a toll-free telephone number where confidential assistance is provided by trained counselors.

Related Posts

Everything is Gonna be Okay

 

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Postpartum Depression and Suicide

Brandi C

 

Postpartum Depression and Suicide

Postpartum Depression and Suicide

Postpartum Depression and Suicide are real things. The girls’ first 14 months of life were traumatizing for me as their mom. They had several health issues such as Intrauterine Growth Restriction, Small For Gestational Age, Failure To Thrive, and many other things. On the day of my 30th birthday, things took a turn. The girls were seven months old. I hadn’t heard from hardly anyone that day. I felt everyone had forgotten this birthday—honestly, even my husband. I didn’t hear from him until NOON.

 

The Plan

 

That is when Postpartum Depression and Suicide collided. On the way home that day, from running some errands, I had hit my lowest point. I was going to end it. I had it all planned out. Then, there was a moment when I heard babble. It was one of my sweet girls reminding me they were still here. It was God reminding me that He wasn’t done with me yet.

 

Getting Help

 

The next day, I spoke to a friend, and she gave me the name of her therapist. I called her and began my therapy. Therapy taught me so much about myself. I learned that grief came in many forms and looked different for everyone. I learned that the grief from losing Grandaddy and the trauma from the girls had all added up. I was suffering from Postpartum Depression (PPD). I did not get any medication because therapy was enough for me. I began to deal with my grief and even issues from my childhood that had gone unresolved.

 

Unexpected Blessing

 

When the girls were 14 months old, I unexpectedly found out I was expecting again. We also got a diagnosis for our girls at this time (just before finding out about our pregnancy). I was so scared of PPD again, but I knew I could get through it. I did well. We had a healthy boy with no IUGR (though he did have a heart defect that resolved on its own by six months of age). I first felt him kick about 16 weeks into my pregnancy. Would you like to guess what was on the radio when this happened?

 

“Baby Blues”

 

I had a little of the “baby blues” with hormones balancing back out, but I did okay. We went on to have another unexpected pregnancy that took a turn for complications at 26 weeks and again at 31 weeks. I didn’t feel him kick until about 19 weeks into my pregnancy, which scared me. Grandaddy’s song came on the radio while I was driving down the road, and I felt it. This little kick reassured me. It was his favorite song to kick as well. I had been worried about it but was told I had an anterior placenta, so that could be normal. Our sweet baby was delivered and was, again, IUGR, and the diagnosis was missed.

 

Life Got Complicated

 

Things went on, and life got complicated for a while. After a few months, I messaged my OB and my old therapist and told them I was NOT okay. My old therapist said that meds might be a good idea. My OB called me with a prescription. I also started the process to begin therapy again (and then COVID happened and put a wrench in THAT!).

 

Looking Back

 

It has been four years since that day when I thought it was all over. Two more babies have been born with our youngest, over a year old. I still think about Grandaddy every day. All of my babies know who he is and can identify him in pictures. They talk about him when they ask questions. My girls have discovered grapefruit, and one likes it. I told her that Grandaddy also loved it, so she brags about that. In so many things, I see him. I know he has truly been watching over us.

 

All Four of my Kids Still Love that Song

 

They will dance and “sing” to it. Life isn’t perfect, but I have weaned off of my anti-depressant now. Every day isn’t great, as our girls are special needs and require more care. Two days before my 34th birthday, I ended my relationship with my narcissistic mom. My 34th birthday came and went with no drama. That day was filled with peace.

 

  1. AM. A. SURVIVOR.

 

PPD and other postpartum-related illnesses affect so many. The day I turned 30, I didn’t know I was struggling with it, but I did see that I couldn’t go on. There is treatment available, and there is help. The help that will not judge you and the assistance that will support you and help you through. Please, please know that you are not alone and you are not at fault. You are strong, and you are a warrior. You can do this, and you can survive. I have battle scars, but I have fought hard, and they show that. Those scars show the fight. They remind me where I have been and that God is not done with me yet.

Resources

Postpartum HelpLine 800.944.4773

Suicide Prevention Lifeline