Book Review

Take Back Your Life Part 5

Take Back Your Life Part 5

Take Back Your Life Part 5

Today is the last day! See, I told you I wouldn’t make it as long as the previous book review! So, here is Take Back Your Life Part 5. I have been on the struggle bus today. Sadly, I have not captured my thoughts, and my strongholds are in full force. I am so frustrated with so many things. Shall we move on?

Hope

“So what is hope? At its most basic level, to have hope is to believe that something good is going to happen. That help is on the way. That it’s not over yet. And that no matter how dark it seems, there’s going to be light at the end of the tunnel. Our hope is a living hope, because we have a living Lord.”

Hope. That word permeated throughout our entire (ongoing) journey with OMS. The word started as a prophecy by three people (none of whom know each other). Then, everywhere I turned, it was that word, thought, concept. Hope. Frankly, it irritated me. I didn’t see the hope at that time. My faith level was that of a mustard seed. At that time, I most definitely had blinders on my eyes.

Yet, here we are, reading and learning about hope again. Over time, I’ve learned how to love that word and accept it. I have it all over my house in some form or the other. Even a tattoo on my arm reminds me to have hope. Hope is what I survived on after the blinders were removed from my face. While they were on, however, the people I chose to surround me with held me up, and they hoped for me when I couldn’t.

“The wonderful thing about the anchor of the soul is that it, too, comes equipped with a mighty chain. Hope has a rope: The Holy Spirit. He is our great rope that cannot be frayed, the one who has lashed our hearts to heaven.”

Did You Take a Tone With Me?

My husband and children hate it when I say that phrase. It isn’t always what they say; it is the tone they use, the body language, and the facial expressions. Someone can say I love you with complete and utter hate in their eyes. You know you can’t always believe what comes from someone’s mouth. I think Jesus says our tongue is a double-edged sword.

“Experts estimate that a very small percentage of our communication occurs through the words themselves. The great majority of what we say each day involves what we do with our bodies, our facial expressions, and the tone with which we communicate.”

Levi Lusko says, “if Jesus is the Lord of your life, then he should be the Lord of your lips. Colossians 4:6 reminds us to ‘let every word you speak be drenched with grace.’ Grace is unmerited favor, by the way. Grace is not ever deserved.”

Uhm, I need to have a redo on my entire day. My words have dripped with irritation, frustration, anger, fear, and sadness. Why do I continue to do the things I do not want to do? To add insult to injury, he says, “your intentions don’t matter; your behavior does. No one can hear what you wanted to say; we hear only what you said. The impact you have on the world is what you’re accountable for. When you allow yourself to be provoked, you give up the one thing that is yours alone: control of yourself.”

I need to go back to bed.

Anger: Party of 1

“You might struggle with anger, but you are not an angry person. You might struggle with people, but that doesn’t make you not a people person. Your face can absolutely have an impact on those around you, for better or worse. Positive thinking is important. So is watching how you speak and minding your habits.”

We are at the end of this book. I didn’t squeeze all the goodness out of it because I was hoping you could go and buy it. Marinate on this book. Put it into practice. I pray that forgiveness is shown to me and that I can start over. In the middle of the day, have a massive do-over.

“So tie yourself to Jesus, and you’ll feel his power as you work out the life he breathed into you. Take off your grave clothes. And remember that when you are authentically your healed self and walk humbly as a follower of Jesus, you can live in confidence without fear, distraction, depression, anxiety, worry, regret, quarrels, addictions, darkness, selfishness, self-sabotage, narcissism, the held-hostage version of yourself you don’t want to be, or anything else that gets in your way and stunts your growth. Draw a line in the sand – a crimson line painted with the blood of Jesus – and decide that the cycle ends with you. Your children don’t have to inherit from you what you inherited from your parents. Fight this battle so they won’t have to.”

Powerful. Just keep swimming, friends. We, as believers, know what happens at the end of the book. We win.

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Book Review

Take Back Your Life Part 4

Take Back Your Life Part 4

You Can’t Be a Victim and a Victor at the Same Time

“God is saying that impossible things can be done when you speak faith in the midst of the storm, though sometimes the impossible thing is you continuing to believe in him in the middle of it all, even when what you’re believing for doesn’t happen. He’s not saying you’re going to get every single thing you want if you just speak to it in an attitude of faith. Always, Jesus’ attitude is “Thy will be done, not mine.” Take Back Your Life Part 4

It is so hard to believe in the middle of it all. My faith was tiny during the most challenging part of our OMS journey. I felt defeated. The doctors were talking at me and not with me. Only one doctor in another state spoke with me and helped me understand everything I needed. Though her belief system was different than mine, she gave me hope. That hope restored and grew my faith exponentially.

“Jesus didn’t come to give us a blank check for any dream. But when hard days come, the way we speak in the midst of our crisis, in the midst of our difficulty, can cause something to happen that feels impossible. A mountain of discouragement can move and  mountain of ingrained negativity can move. A mountain of hopelessness can move. It happens when we do things like speaking words of faith in the midst of a chemotherapy treatment. Suddenly we have more to give and joy where there shouldn’t be any.”

In the midst of one of our journeys, the above statement happened. That one doctor, Kavita Thakkar from UPMC, gave us hope. In doing that, our mountain and perspective shifted in a way that occurred three years before meeting her. God speaks through any situation and any person. We have to listen. “God’s most important miracles can’t be seen with the naked eye.”

Feelings

My Lady always said, “no one can make you feel one way or the other. Your feelings are your decision to have or not have.” I miss her. Levi Lusko states that “You need to learn to feel your feelings. Lean into them. Diagnose them. And then do what is needed to move through them.” Do you know how hard that is to do when you have chosen to stuff your feelings most of your life?

He goes further to say (and I am paraphrasing here), “if you try to understand what is driving it, you can look to the Lord to fill the hole instead of ~the things~ of the world. You will discover that the ache you were going to silence with something on Disney+…was actually the voice of Jesus calling you to himself… The silencing of that discomfort by fast food or fast delivery from e-commerce brings the opposite – more punishment than reward.”

I do that, especially at night. Binge-watch things, play my bubble game, eat popcorn. Lately, I’ve been closing my eyes and listening to some praise and worship music. Listening to music creates a space where my feelings are feeling things. Honestly, I’m not sure what to think about that. It is not pleasant, but I know it is healing.

Decision-Making and Fear

“All I can tell you is that you must not let fear play a part in your decision-making. You can’t ignore fear, but you don’t have to let it control you. True bravery isn’t feeling no fear. It’s being afraid and moving forward anyway.”

Currently, I have a big decision to make. In my world, I need a step-by-step of what I need to do to get from point A to point B. In a turn of events, after ten years, I now have that step-by-step guide. Now, I’m ready to back out and not do it out of fear. What if I’m not good enough or what if I can’t pass the test? How about “What if I can’t find a job?” More questions are “What if I can’t find a supervisor or what if I screw someone up?”

I’m allowing fear to overtake logic and a calling. I know I’m called to do a sure thing. I’ve taken some vast steps to get to this point. Yet, I hit a brick wall when I got involved with someone who did not have my best interest in mind. Levi Lusko states, “not only is failure not a bad thing, but it is a necessary thing. The only way to get to victory is to be willing to make mistakes on the way there.” Choosing this Lady and believing her lies was a HUGE mistake. Then, OMS hit, and I had no choice but to care for my son. Most obstacles (except a supervisor and a job) are out of the way. I’m terrified.

Fear is affecting this decision. Completely. “God isn’t scared of what you’re scared of. But you don’t have to pretend like you’re not frightened. Naming your fear is part of getting through it. It’s also important to remember that Immanuel means “God with us.” Jesus is with you. You are never alone.” God states in Psalm 91:5, “You shall not be afraid of the terror by night.”

Stronghold

“A stronghold is an area in which you have become entrenched in believing something that isn’t true or in doing something you shouldn’t be doing. As a result, the Enemy has a heavily fortified position in your life. Simply put: it’s a constant pull in the wrong direction. These strongholds put a chokehold on the joy, growth, freedom, and strength you are meant to experience. They neutralize your effectiveness and lock you in a state of darkness and arrested development.”

I have many strongholds. Anger is fear and/or sadness. Tonight, there was an issue. I am beyond exhausted, and I have two choices. One choice was to sit here and dissociate. The second choice was to intervene. I don’t have enough energy to intervene. Logically, I can tell you what outcome will come if I just let my husband handle it (not allowing my stronghold to rule me), or I can intervene (and have my stronghold rear its ugly head). Tonight, I choose to dissociate.

How to demolish them:

  • Spot them.
  • Renounce the thinking or behavior and se3t your soul against it.
  • Paint the target so heaven can blast it with God’s supernatural power.
  • Let your squad in on what has been going on.
  • Vigilantly and diligently build something in place of the sin so it can never be rebuilt.

“Rise up and do exactly what the devil doesn’t want you to do. Refuse to go gently into the night. Don’t be taken without a fight…”

Tomorrow will be my last day of posting on this book. Powerful book.

 

Book Review

Take Back Your Life Part 3

Take Back Your Life Part 3

Take Back Your Life Part 3

Part of me wants to rush through this book, so I don’t bore people. The other part of me wants to stop and absorb everything that stands out. Frankly, it is pretty therapeutic for me. We shall see how far I get. At the end of each section, there are very thought-provoking questions. You can thank me now for not posting/answering! Take Back Your Life Part 3

You Always Have a Choice

Levi Lusko states that “Satan can’t make you do anything. You always have a choice. In that way, you are more dangerous to yourself than the devil is. He has to check with God before he can wreak havoc in your life, but you can do great damage to your calling without getting approval from anyone.”

I would have never thought that. In my mind, God either allows or ordains the things that happen in your life. He can change it instantly because He is God, and He can do that. Yet, free will comes to play, and though He can override free will, He chooses not to. If He did that, we wouldn’t cry out to Him or need a God to come to our rescue. Maybe I’m wrong.

“Remember, God doesn’t cause bad things to happen, but he is sovereign and nothing happens outside his permission. The devil is the one ultimately responsible for evil.”

I know God is the only omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient God. He can be at all places at all times, at the same time. Satan can’t do that. He can only be at one place at any given time, but he does have an army that he can send out that seeks to kill, steal, and destroy you.

Finding Beauty from Ashes

One thing that I told my clients, often, was that there was a purpose in their pain. Whether it was allowed or ordained, God would use whatever situation they are currently going through to help another person find beauty from their ashes.

Levi Lusko agrees to say, “But be of good cheer. There is a connection between the strength of our pain and the volume of our voices. The more we hurt, the louder we become. The things God deposits in your spirit amid suffering are the same things that someday others will desperately need. I dare you to look at the hardships you’re facing and believe that, through them, there are people you are meant to reach.”

I wholeheartedly agree with that statement. Amid pain, suffering, uncertainty, and trials, we can’t see the forest for the trees. Yet, God has a helicopter view. He sees the beginning to the end. In those moments, He knows that there will be someone, somewhere, that will walk through the same thing you are walking through.

Who better to minister with someone than someone with a child who has instantly been stricken with a rare disease? Especially when that someone is five years on the other side. Is there someone better to minister to a wife who finds out her husband has an addiction that he has been hiding for most of her marriage? What about the mom who has a prodigal child? When you have a wayward child, you have lived it and can not only sympathize but empathize with them.

“None of your tears have fallen to the ground unseen.” God states in His Word, “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” Psalm 56:8

Power in the Pain

In Take Back Your Life, Levi Lusko states, “I always want you to believe in Jesus’ name that there will come a day when the devil will regret ever asking God’s permission to give you your trials because you will end up twice as blessed as you started out. God’s up to something! He’s turning your mess into a message and He’s turning your pain into a platform. Remember, He’s turning your trial into a testimony and He’s turning the trash that has come into your life into triumph!”

Beauty from ashes! You can declare war and you can have that freedom that only God can give you. Also, you don’t have to succumb to depression, anxiety, or fear. Admit where you struggle, become a student of the problem, and be your expert. When you do that, that can eliminate fear. Stand up for yourself and for what is right. You don’t have to lay down and take it, but you must release it to the One who can fight your battles! You are not your darkness, and it cannot overtake you as a child of the King.

Begin in Your Mind

That is where you can shut off the darkness. “My friend Kevin Gerald likes to say, ‘Thoughts are like trains: they take you somewhere.’ When a train of thought shows up, don’t just get on! Slow down before you board it to make sure it’s heading in the right direction. Ask each one:  Where are you taking me? Are we headed to Lovelyville, Virtuetown, Good Report Station? Boomsauce! Wait, this train is going to Jealousy, USA? Rage City? Gossip Central? I’m sorry, I’m just not comfortable going where you are headed.”  

That is a fantastic analogy. I can catch myself when fixing to go off the rails into a tangent. There are times when I can physically hear a voice that says STOP. SHUT UP. STOP SPEAKING. WALK AWAY. 98% of the time, I ignore it, and then crap comes flying out my mouth. You can’t take back what you say because the damage has already been done.

Levi Lusko goes on to outline a few more places that may be harder to spot the trains that are coming:

  • Being suspicious of people’s motives
  • Wondering what went wrong
  • Feeling guilty
  • Doubting and questioning God
  • Worrying
  • Obsessing about why you weren’t invited
  • Fearing someone you love being harmed
  • Secretly being happy when something wrong happens to someone you don’t like *ouch*
  • Stressing about your future
  • Stewing over something that was done to you *double ouch*

You Have a Choice

“You can take it captive. Detain it. Don’t let it into your mind for a minute. Show it no mercy. Give it no quarter. Send that thought to the pit of despair so the six-fingered man and the albino can torture it. Don’t be kind. Remember, this is war.”

Replace the thought with Scripture and what God says about you! You don’t have to choose to live like this. You can overcome. Choose life and speak life into yourself instead of the death sentence that Satan brings to the table.

“It’s time to stop letting life happen to you and start happening to your life. When you decide to stare the things in the face that are holding you back, strength will bubble up inside your chest.” So many gems in this book. There are so many powerful statements like this that make you stop and ponder. I will be 50 this year. I have let life happen to me for almost 50 years. Time is soon changing, and I will start “happening” in my life!

A Bad Mood Exists Only in Your Mind

It is never too late to change your attitude, mindset, or course of action for your life. You don’t have to wait until tomorrow. You can make the change halfway through the day. If it is evening, change your perspective. New mercies can happen at any time of the day. Give yourself grace. Go to the Word, put on praise and worship music, dance in your underwear, say you are sorry, or go for a walk. Be the change you want to see made! Remember, “your words and actions both begin as thoughts.” Take your thoughts captive! “You can change how you feel by changing how you think.”

Cliff and Ms. Jan

One of the first things they EVER said to me (amid a chaotic moment with my children at church) was quoting 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18. It says, “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” Levi Lusko is quick to point out some facts relating to this verse. “He didn’t say to be thankful FOR everything. You aren’t supposed to be thankful for death or divorce, or unemployment. Those things aren’t good. You can, however, be thankful IN those things – or in any other thing hell can throw at you – because God has a plan to produce good from what you are facing.”

Ponder that. Tomorrow we talk about miracles!

 

Book Review

Take Back Your Life by Levi Lusko Part 2

Take Back Your Life by Levi Lusko Part 2

Take Back Your Life by Levi Lusko Part 2

We are camping out in the next part of this book, Take Back Your Life. I promise this little series won’t be as long as my last one. Taking apart certain aspects of a book helps me gain a perspective I might not have. So, these book reviews are my online journal to continue my faith journey. Take Back Your Life by Levi Lusko Part 2.

Here’s Some Truth For You

Levi Lusko provides these truths.

  • You were made in the image of God.

“That’s right, made. You are not smart mud or a monkey wearing pants. God made you. Fearfully, wonderfully, he knit you together inside your mother. You’re no accident.” I am NO ACCIDENT. I was not an “oops.” It was not a mistake. I was meant to be on this earth and given to the people, my parents, who created me. It might have been a surprise, not a well-received one, but I’m not mistaken. God wanted me from before He created the earth. He knew about me. He made me in the image of His Son.

  • You have autonomy.

“Like God, you have a personality. A sense of humor. You can laugh and sing, make love and create, dream and destroy. You have feelings and can be hurt. When things don’t go your way, you get sad and can be grieved, just like God. This might surprise you, but God doesn’t always get what he wants and neither do we.” Be bigger. Be loud. Do not shrink down and become invisible! You are not less than. You are the child of the King. Straighten that crown!

  • You are immortal.

“The question is not whether you will live forever but where. Four hundred years from now, and four thousand years after that, you will still exist. You will still be alive, and you will still be you.” Wow. Just wow.

  • You were expensive.

“Think about what God was willing to spend to redeem you and give you hope when sin and death had their suffocating stranglehold on your life. You weren’t purchased with any common currency, like gold or silver, but with the precious blood of Jesus. His veins were opened, and then hanging on two pieces of wood on top of a hill shaped like a skull, the Son of God died to pay the price for every wrong thing you have done. Sin is a capital crime, so he died to set you free.” Humbling. This concept is almost incomprehensible. I can’t say I would kill my son for anyone ever.

  • You have power.

“As a child of God, you have been entrusted with the Holy Spirit. The same Holy Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead now lives in your heart and is ready and waiting to be activated.”

  • You are gifted.

“You have specific connections and opportunities that I haven’t been given. You’re a genius. There are people you get to talk to every day whom it would take a miracle for a preacher to get in front of. But for you it’s effortless as sitting in second period or clocking in for an afternoon shift at your job.”

I can say that I wholeheartedly agree with this, but not everyone does. I learned to blend. Do not stand out, do not attract those that look different from me, don’t go to bars (which I don’t, but that is for another reason), watch who you talk to because you just might be seen by a church person, and that could mean disaster for you. Never have I ever agreed with that statement. I did, for years, but not anymore. I’m a girl with pink and purple hair. As small as I want to be, I am loud and look different. Those people march to the beat of their drums. Well, those are my people. I don’t care what anyone else thinks. There are people that I can reach that might seem “less than” to other “Christians.”

  • You have an epic mission.

“The orders from your commanding officer are pretty clear: go into all the world and preach the gospel to every creature.

Be Bigger, Unapologetic, Unique.

“I hope you are starting to get a sense of how incredibly, wildly unordinary you are. You, my friend, were put on this earth to make waves, disrupt the status quo, and kick over some stinking applecarts. you have everything you need to move forward and live an extraordinary life.”

Preach it, Levi!

From Mundane to Purposeful

“It’s always going to be harder to do the right thing than it is to do the wrong thing. That’s why checking your email a thousand times will always be easier than actually working on something. Also, that’s why scanning your Instagram feed is always going to be easier than actually doing something meaningful. That’s why starting a project, with the blank screen staring back at you, is so hard. But here’s the thing. The harder you work, the better you get at getting over that hump and starting, and the harder it is to surrender.”

From mundane to purposeful is the commitment we need to have for Christ. Delete your social media apps off your phone. You will find that it very well might empower you. Carry a book around, place a small Bible in your car for wait times, and have a playlist of praise and worship music on your phone. Listen to a podcast that uplift and teach you. Fill your mind with the things above, and you will find that your perspective will change for the better.

How You Speak

“How you speak determines how you feel. It’s time to stop listening to your fear! Instead, put some faith in the air. Your speech can create, tear down, build, heal, or hurt. You will feel how you speak and find what you ask. Your words can unlock a life you love or one you loathe.”

I can say; lately, I have been speaking negatively about everything. A thousand and five things in my house need to be accomplished. I clean, and 5 minutes later, it is a disaster. My relationships are not great right now. When a friend calls, my first statement is running down the list of things that are all wrong. I don’t want to lie, but I also don’t want to focus on the negative, and that is what I do. I have got to work on that. It is destroying the people I love around me and me.

Mask of Shame

In Taking Back Your Life, Levi Lusko says, “Is the you you’re showing people really you? Or does your image feel a little disquised? A little distorted? A little masklike? God tells us who we really are but it can be hard to absorb, especially when fears hit. So we slap on a mask as a defense to hide the fears that we aren’t enough.”

The mask of shame speaks to me on every level. I am famous for wearing the appropriate mask for the proper time. I do this out of fear that my true self is too much for some people. Honestly, it is a realized fear because people tell me I’m not good enough. I have too many tattoos, and my hair needs to be a standard color; why do I not wear shoes often? I parent differently than other people parent. I’m not submissive enough, not smart enough, etc. The bad stuff is more accessible to believe than the good stuff. How sad is that?

The Different Types of Masks

I won’t go into detail about what Levi Lusko says. You will get the idea as you read these.

  • The superiority mask.
  • The smiley-face mask.
  • The “Fifty Shades of Grey” mask.
  • The funny guy/gal mask.
  • The “I’m so holy” mask.
  • The clone wars mask.
  • The zombie mask.
  • The gold-plated, diamond-encrusted mask

“It’s ironic, we put on masks in hopes of finding love and acceptance, but people cat love someone they don’t know. What they’re falling in love with isn’t you; it’s your maks, a superficial version of you, a costume you’ve carefully curated. What you wear to obtain, you must wear to retain.”

He further says that we need to learn our true identity in Christ. He encourages you to take your masks off, remember who God says you are, accept who God says you are, and live in complete freedom.

What Does Freedom Look Like

What does this word “freedom” look like when you drop the facade and become the you that God created you to be? I wish I could say I was living that, but I’m not. Honestly, I’m a constant work in progress.

“Freedom looks like vulnerability.” Vulnerability is being capable of being physically or emotionally wounded – open attack or damage. Being vulnerable takes an incredible amount of strength. I encourage you to see the TED Talk by Brene Brown on this subject. Levi Lusko states, “the only way to victory is by going through vulnerability.”

Life Lesson Number 101

I read this book a couple of months ago. I’m rereading as I process through each chapter and rereading what I have highlighted. I aim to apply things to my life and get stuff on notecards to carry around. Silly sounding, I know. Yet, it works for me.

Currently, my husband and I are at a crossroads. Hurts have been expressed. Saying things out of frustration leads to hurt feelings and pain. The desire to give up is at an all-time high. As I’m going through this book, this is what I previously highlighted: “In marriage, being “naked and unashamed” lets down all the walls, telling your fears, telling your desires, telling your dreams, telling how you feel when you don’t measure up. People can say, ‘what you said hurt my feelings. I’m not going to lash out in anger and write an angry email to make you feel small because you made me feel small. Honestly, I’m going to tell you it hurt me. I’m going to try to get on with it.’ “

I need to pause and go and talk to my husband. Marriage is hard; even after almost 30 years, it is hard.

I will leave this parting quote that was written on my whiteboard. “If God didn’t give it, you don’t have to keep it. This is your permission slip to let that go.” Part 3 is coming soon.

Book Review

Take Back Your Life by Levi Lusko Part 1

Take Back Your Life by Levi Lusko Part 1

Take Back Your Life by Levi Lusko – Part 1

Trigger Warning:

This book frequently references the heartbreaking loss of Levi Lusko’s young daughter, Lenya. While it doesn’t go into graphic detail, the topic is mentioned often.

How I Read Books

Take Back Your Life is designed as a 40-day interactive journey to help you think right so you can live right. However, if I tried to read just one chapter a day, I’d never finish! Instead, I prefer to read the entire book quickly, usually in a day or so. Then, I go back and highlight the parts that stand out to me. That way, when I revisit the book, I can focus on those key takeaways rather than rereading everything.

For those who want to know my reading process—it’s a bit unconventional. I start with the introduction, then jump straight to the last chapter. From there, I read the ending notes and acknowledgments before finally circling back to chapter one. I realize this might seem odd, but it’s how I’ve always read books. Of course, you should read in whatever way works best for you!

Ants vs. Mosquitoes: An Analogy That Sticks

Levi Lusko opens the book with an unusual analogy. When I reread my highlighted passages, his words hit me hard:

“Ants… public enemy number one… Ants do not carry yellow fever or malaria… Mosquitoes do… Mosquitoes love water. Mosquitoes were laying their larva and thriving. The ant moats—the very things people thought were keeping them safe—were actually costing them their lives. I’ve made the mistake of doing the right thing the wrong way. I fought the ants but fostered the mosquitoes. By following my feelings, I became trapped in moods that should not have had a hold on me. By failing to take my thoughts captive, I allowed anxiety to have a seat at the table reserved only for God and paid for with the blood of His Son. Leave the ants alone. It’s time to swat some mosquitoes.”

Wow. That needs to go on a notecard: Ants vs. Mosquitoes.

This analogy might seem like a strange way to start Take Back Your Life, but it’s unforgettable. It forces us to reflect on whether we’re fighting the wrong battles while allowing the real threats to thrive.

Lusko also discusses idols, explaining that they aren’t necessarily bad things. Instead, he says:

“They are good things that are treated as ultimate things.”

That statement makes me pause. What are my “ultimate” things? What am I prioritizing in a way that might be unhealthy? I need to sit with that thought.

Feelings vs. Faith

Romans 7:15 says:

“I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate.”

Feelings are fleeting. We can’t base our lives on emotions that shift from moment to moment. Lusko compares this to vision, explaining:

“Looks can be deceiving. We can look at something but not see what’s there. That means we cannot trust what we see with the naked eye. You can’t trust what you see or the decisions you make based on that. You need more.”

We’re quick to judge, decide, and react based on what we see. But what if what we see isn’t the full story?

Take a child who has experienced trauma and neglect. Imagine a parent walks in to find them hiding in the kitchen, stuffing food into their shirt—even though they just ate a huge meal.

To a parent without experience in trauma, this looks like stealing, lying, and disobedience. Their reaction?

“Go to your room. No movie. No dessert. Why did you lie? Why didn’t you just ask?”

But through the lens of trauma-informed parenting, the picture shifts. This child isn’t stealing out of greed—they’re acting out of fear and survival instincts. Their brain remembers the hunger and neglect they once endured.

As parents, our feelings in these moments might be anger or frustration. But Lusko reminds us to see what’s unseen. We need a “night-vision telescope called faith.”

“You’re going to see potential. You’re going to see they’re destined for impact. They were made in the image of God. There is amazing potential packed inside of them.”

That’s an incredibly hard concept to grasp in the heat of frustration. When we’re dealing with the same issue for the hundredth time, our first thought isn’t always God is working this for our good. But faith calls us to look beyond what’s visible.

Your Story Now Is Not the End of Your Story

Lusko writes:

“Through faith, eternity becomes visible. When you operate in faith, you know that what you see is not the end of the story. You may not be happy with your story right now. You may be disappointed or grieving or bored, or maybe you’ve forgotten you’re living a story at all. But you are. Uncover what has been hidden in plain sight. When you see the invisible, you can do the impossible.”

Right now, many parents see brokenness—the things that still need fixing, the progress yet to be made. It’s hard to appreciate what has improved when there’s still so much to do. But when we look through the lens of faith, we see beyond the immediate struggles.

The Battlefield of the Mind

Lusko says:

“Before we can do the great things we’re called to do out there, we must get things squared away on the inside. I’m talking about the war within.”

This hits home. The battlefield of the mind is real. Joyce Meyer even wrote an entire book and Bible study on this topic.

As someone passionate about ending the stigma around mental illness, I believe we need to have more compassion, love, and encouragement for those struggling.

People often tell me to “capture my thoughts”, but sometimes my thoughts are already speeding 200 mph down the track before I even have a chance to catch them.

My self-image is a constant battle. When I look in the mirror, I see flaws—wrinkles, weight, moles, personality quirks, behaviors. I instinctively make myself small, hoping to avoid attention. It’s exhausting.

But Lusko reminds us:

“Jesus said, the message of the gospel isn’t try; it’s trust. You don’t have to carry the weight of what you can do for me; just stand on the strength of what I have done for you. Once you’re under that umbrella called grace, how God views you—your identity—doesn’t change day to day with your behavior or with your activity.”

And this:

“What God says about you? You are loved. You are chosen. You are called. You are equipped.”

No matter how I feel—on my best day or my worst—those truths remain.

Honestly, those words—Loved. Called. Chosen. Equipped.—might just find a permanent place on my body. I already have “perseverance, survivor, warrior” tattooed in Amharic. This feels like the next step.

Because I need those reminders. Every. Single. Day.


Final Thoughts

Take Back Your Life is an incredibly powerful read. Whether you’re struggling with fear, doubt, mental battles, or past trauma, Lusko challenges you to shift your perspective—to stop swatting at ants and start taking down mosquitoes.

I’d love to hear your thoughts! Have you read this book? What parts stood out to you? Let’s discuss.

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Why Am I Feeling Anxious?

 

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma

What is and is Not in My Control

What is and is Not in My Control

What is and is Not in My Control

What is and is Not in My Control. I am a work in progress. Without hesitation, I can tell you that trying to control everything is 99.9% of my problem. Well, that and lack of trusting anyone…maybe that goes hand in hand, I don’t know. It’s a problem. I know that, get it, and respect it. There is a problem, and I am it.

What is IN My Control

  • my self-care
    • I get my hair done
    • Massages
    • Tattoos
    • Alone time at night
    • Reading
  • asking for help
    • Reaching out to family
    • Communicating with my husband and being vulnerable
    • Therapy
  • my decision
  • the friends I have
    • I don’t do this one well
  • my actions
    • I have apologized to those I need to
    • Forgiven most people, I need to
    • The Lord has made me HYPER aware
  • my boundaries
    • Hahahahaha
  • my thoughts
    • Oohhh…
  • my attitude
    • Well…
  • my words
    • Uhmmm…
  • what I say
    • Learning how to use them
    • Learning how to RESTRAIN from using them
    • Work in progress

OUT of My Control

  • who likes me
  • past mistakes
  • other’s feelings
  • what others think
  • other’s apologizing to me
  • other’s actions
  • what other people believe
  • weather
  • who loves me
  • other people’s time
  • someone else’s distraction

What is on Your List?

My struggle in the “out of my control” list is who likes me (why does this bother me so badly), past mistakes (I can’t forget), what others think of me, others’ actions, what other people believe, and who loves me. Those are my Achilles heel problems. What is on your list?

 

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

What Fireworks Means to a School Shooting Survivor

What Fireworks Means to a School Shooting Survivor

What Fireworks Means to a School Shooting Survivor

I despise fireworks. Some of them are so pretty, but the sound triggers me. I can feel it in my chest whenever a firework goes off. The breath gets knocked out of me, and I freeze. At that moment, I am transported back to school. I am back in the classroom with my teachers and fellow student.

At that second, I could see the fear in my teacher’s eyes as he looked down the hallway at the commotion. “Run,” He says with complete fear in his eyes. The look in his eyes will forever be etched into my brain. Confused, I run down the hallway watching as a freshman falls and slides into a locker. I can’t bring myself to stop and check on her, and I’m pretty sure that makes me a bad person. I’m doing what my teacher said. I am running, from what I don’t know.

 

As I Get Outside

 

As I get outside, I stop running. I assume that it was a fire and that I am safe outside. The fire can’t get me here. “Someone brought a gun to school.” A stranger says behind me. At that point, I couldn’t think. I take off sprinting. I almost got hit by a car. It was centimeters away from hitting me. I can hear the teacher yelling at the students to get into a classroom in the tech building because it’s safe and I sprint into the building.

 

I almost enter the first room as soon as you walk in the door, but I decide that that classroom would be the first to get shot if the shooter comes up here. Then, I run a few classrooms away, sit against the wall, and wait for any information. Students and teachers start piling in. I look around and realize I can’t trust anyone. At this point, no one knows who the shooter is. Finally, the teachers shut and locked the door.

 

Calling my Brother

 

The first person I can get a hold of is my brother. He tells me that there’s been a school shooting and someone has died. My heart sinks, and all I can think about are my friends. Fear courses through my veins as I struggle to get a hold of them. Luckily, they’re all okay. I go on Twitter and desperately try to find some information. Someone sitting close to me tells me who the shooter is. I am completely shocked and In denial. I’ve known this kid since seventh grade. There’s no way he did this. I was wrong. He did do it.

 

We are sitting and waiting to be told what to do next when a student starts banging on the door. He was banging on the door hard and asking to be let it. Fear overcomes my body. I remember begging God that they wouldn’t open that door. Luckily, they didn’t. We sat there until like 9:30, and then we were told we must get on a bus.

 

SWAT

 

They let us out of the room, but we all must go in a single file line. Teachers and Swat line the walls and make a pathway to the buses. The look in the eyes of the swat member will be in my head forever. We get on the bus, and we sit there forever. I remember looking out the bus window and seeing a news helicopter flying over us and I remember being angry that they were already swarming. I mean, people just died to show some respect. It was insensitive.

 

Transporting Us

 

At around Eleven, they gave us a police escort to the nearest middle school. We took the back roads there. They piled us all into the gym and waited for our names to be called so we could leave with our parents. I remember getting home at noon, and my family had the news on the television. Sadly, I hear them reporting things that didn’t happen, so I go to my room. I couldn’t sleep that night. My adrenaline was pumping. My friends can’t sleep either. We all stay up and talk.

 

Going Back to School

 

I was battling anorexia at the time, so I didn’t eat anyways, but at this time, I go the longest I ever have without eating. Daily, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. I was terrified. Going back to school was horrible. We went back on a Friday. We all met in the gym. Going to the gym was for a moment of silence, prayer, and hearing about all the available resources. The school was never the same. We jumped at every dropped book and we were constantly looking over our shoulders. Also, we were all wary of strangers. We enjoyed the service dogs that came to the school. That was the best part. We played card games to pass the time.

 

Fear

 

I always told myself that If something like that happened to me, I would never go back to school, and I finished my year out there and then became homeschooled. Honestly, I couldn’t bring myself to sit down in that school and worry about who was walking through the door. I couldn’t sit there and continue to jump at every dropped book. I’ve only been to the school twice since then, and I still struggle with going there.

 

I kept in contact with the teachers I was in the classroom with that day. You will hardly ever catch me in sandals in public because they aren’t good running shoes. Every year, I plug in my headphone and blare my music, so I don’t hear the fireworks. I can hear gunshots and shoot guns (I’m a pretty good shot), but there’s something about fireworks that I can’t handle. I wish people would be more considerate of people like me every year.

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Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

LA Came in Like a Tornado

LA Came in Like a Tornado

Leigh Ann Came in Like a Tornado

Ten years ago, I met a brassy blond girl at a ballpark. She had a crass mouth and a nasty smoking habit. She was loud and obnoxious. A person people moved away from when they saw her. She did not dress the part, talk the part, and certainly did not behave the part of what society deems “normal.” 

Yet, I was drawn to her. I saw myself in her—the girl that no one wanted to be friends with, the outcast. I have a deep love for those who seem unlovable. I see through the facade of what someone presents. I see their heart—that deep desire to fit in, yet the complete inability to do so.

Seeing a Bit of Jesus in Her

In my mind, I can close my eyes and see all the bright dots of Jesus throughout her. I just knew when those dots connected; she would be an unstoppable force of nature for the Kingdom.

I fell in love with this girl, her children, her brother, and her parents. We were a tight-knit group of misfits. I was blessed to be able to lead her to Christ one spring day. After she accepted Christ, I gave her a hot pink Bible. It was her favorite color. She loved Jesus with all her heart.

Mental Illness

She also struggled with mental illness. Despite her love for Jesus, she had good days and bad days. What bonded us was that I, too, suffer from mental illness. I have clinical depression. She had onset bipolar disorder. 

One thing I want you all to hear is that you can still love Jesus without abandon and still struggle with different types of mental illness. That does not mean you love Him less than someone who does not struggle.

How Did She Change My World?

She taught me how to accept those who were not “normal.” Also, she taught me to walk towards the waves instead of away from them. Live life without fear of abandonment and to hell what people thought of you.

Did I change her world? I hope I did. She made me a better person, and I hope I had some effect on her. Her mom always said that I did. I sure do love her children and now grandchildren. We were good for each other, for the most part.

Does it Change the World to Stand in the Gap?

Yes, it does the world when you brush and braid a friend’s hair for the last time? Also, when you begin painting her nails and toenails her favorite color? Does it change the world to wipe the ants off of her body while you are bathing her? What about closing her eyes for the last time?

Yes, it does change the world. It changed for LA’s children, her mother, and her brother. It also changed me and it showed me what the phrase “be Jesus with skin on” really means. Sacrificial love and service for her and her family.

LA, you are loved, thought of, and missed daily.

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End the Stigma, Quotes

Get Your Fight Back

Get Your Fight Back

Get Your Fight Back is one of the first videos I saw on TikTok.  This, well, it gave me chills.  Every time I hear/read it, I have the same experience.  Sarah Jakes Robert amazingly delivered this sermon.

“Get Your Fight Back” by Sarah Jakes Robert

It is titled “Get your fight back.”

Girl, get your power back.

~Girl, start acting like you are a king’s daughter, and that there has always been a crown attached to your head.

Even when I was sick I was still His. Even when I was dead, I was still His.

Do you know who I am?

I am a child of the highest God.

He has kept me alive so that I can be a testimony to everyone attached to me.

Get Up: There is No Hold on You

Girl, you can get up again.

And Girl addiction can’t have you.

Girl divorce gotta let you go.

Get up girl, Girl get up, Girl get up, Girl get up, Girl get up again.

Girl Depression gotta let you go.

And Girl anxiety has to lose its hold.

I’m pleading for you to get up.

My daughter needs to see you get up.

And My sister needs to you get up.

Get up, Get up.

I gotta get up, I gotta get up again,  I gotta get up again.

Get Your Prophecy

God’s you just sent a word, And now I know I need to get up again.

Something died on the inside of me, but I feel my spirit coming back.

I feel my power coming back and my ideas.

And I feel these dry bones shaken and coming back to life.

I’m getting up, I’m getting up.

I’m getting in position.

And I’m tired of crying about it.

I’m tired of fighting about it.

So I’m getting in the position.

Girl, You gotta get up.

I’m getting up for my daughter, I’m getting up for my sister, I’m getting up for my kids, I don’t even have them yet, but I was getting up for them too.

And I’m getting up for my community and marriage.

Gotta get up, I gotta get up, I gotta get up, I gotta get up.

Jesus, you’ve been chasing me too long.

I’m here and I surrender.

I gotta get up, I gotta get up.

The bitterness you got to Let me go.

Death, You can’t have me.

I gotta get up.

Honestly, I gotta find my joy.

I’ve got to find my peace.

I Gotta find my spirit again.

My friend made me who I am, my spirit got me into this.

And My spirit is gonna get me out, My spirit is going to get me out of it.

I got my Spirit back.

God touch me, God overflow.

I need your spirit, I’m hungry for it, I’m desperate for it.

God help me up.

Who You Need to Let Know

Let Hell hear you.

And Let the Depression hear you.

Let the enemy know.

And Let death know.

Spirit

The spirit is coming back to me.

This spirit, what spirit?

The Holy Spirit, the Name that is above all Names.

Yes. When we call on that Name things happen.

That’s what I’m calling on.

What I need

Your Spirit.

Jesus, I need your power.

Your healing.

Get Who You Are Back

The King of kings.

Lord of lords.

You are the way maker.

My healer.

What I Call You

Excellent.

Wonderful.

Magnificent.

Jehovah Jairus.

Jehovah

What I Say

You can have control.

I surrender.

Make a way.

Nothing is off limits

I say God touch me as only you can do.

God give me power.

Help me forgive.

I say God Cleanse me from bitterness.

Sermon Video and Full Transcript of Sarah Jakes Robert

Girl Get Up

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

End the Stigma, Faith Journey, Quotes

True Beauty from Within the Ashes

True Beauty from Within the Ashes

True Beauty from Within the Ashes

“True Beauty”

Do You think that a California girl is supposed to have curls and wear a jean size 3?
All the curves in all the right places, spray tanned faces like on TV?
And we read in the gospel of Vogue that we’re all supposed to dress and move and be
Visions of perfection
Such a misconception
‘Cause the real connection is deeper than the eye can see

True Beauty from Within the Ashes reminds me of a post I wrote about the little squares of life. Social media often becomes a tool for comparison, but what we see is just a curated snapshot. People carefully choose what they present to the world, but what’s hidden behind the screen—the chaos, the struggles, the unfiltered moments—remains unseen.

Chorus

What’s inside of you
What’s inside of me
The hands that made the moon and the stars
The mountains and the seas
Made you wonderful, beautiful, marvelously
Let the whole world see your
True beauty

Aw, Psalm 139, about how God created us.  If you haven’t read it, you should!

World Versus Truth

Don’t know much about Dolce and Gabbana
Seems like a lot of drama to me
And you can keep all your red high heels
And open-toed shoes – I’m good in my bare feet
Lets get down to the nitty gritty
Enough sex and the city
What about purity?
Skin is just the surface
The passion and the purpose that’s burning down inside us
Is really what we need to see

Purity is a rare treasure these days—how sad is that? It’s so easy to slip when emotions take over, even when you’re with the person you plan to spend forever with. Feelings are natural, but wisdom is essential. Staying accountable and avoiding situations where temptation can take root can prevent a lot of heartache—even if you’re engaged!

Chorus

What’s inside of you
What’s inside of me
The hands that made the moon and the stars
The mountains and the seas
Made you wonderful, beautiful, marvelously
Let the whole world see your
True beauty

Love and Peace

Doesn’t come in a bottle, doesn’t come in a box
You can’t spray it on, you can’t wash it off
You can’t nip and tuck, you can’t sew it up
So don’t waste your time
It’s the love in your heart, the peace in your soul
The hope in your smile lets the whole world know
This little light – you gotta let it shine

Love, peace, hope, a smile, and a shining spirit are so important to keep in our hearts. Yet, they can be difficult to hold onto—especially for those struggling with mental illness. The truth is, we all need to be intentional about cultivating these qualities. Maybe it’s as simple as leaving sticky note reminders to keep them at the forefront of our minds.

True Beauty from Within the Ashes

I hadn’t heard True Beauty in years. When the album first came out, I bought it and listened to it faithfully. But as life happened, things got misplaced along the way.

Recently, while updating my Worship playlist on YouTube, I searched for Shackles—a song I love, also by Mandisa. That’s when True Beauty popped up, leading me back to the entire album.

Feeling inspired while working on my blog, I decided to listen. The moment this song played, it was like warm water washing over me. It speaks to me now in a way it never did when it was first released—deeper, more personal, as if I was meant to hear it in this season of life.

Events of Today

Today, I had the privilege of ministering to a heartbroken young woman. We talked about beauty from ashes—Isaiah 61:3, one of my favorite verses. Her voice has been stifled for so long, silenced by the weight of her past abuse and the uncertainty of what lies ahead. In her eyes, she is broken.

We spoke about how the Lord has a purpose for both her past and present pain. One day, she will find the strength to use her story to help others. She will hold the hand of another, walking them through the ashes, guiding them toward their own beauty.

Encouragement

I hope you find encouragement in knowing that you are never alone. You are loved beyond measure. No matter your past, present, or future circumstances, God loves you right where you are. There is nothing you need to do to earn His love, and nothing you can do to lose it. His love is constant—yesterday, today, tomorrow, and every day until He calls you home.

 

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Open Letter to A Brother Who Left This World Too Soon

Open Letter to A Brother Who Left This World Too Soon

In this Open Letter to A Brother Who Left This World Too Soon, my guest blogger remembers her brother, who died of cancer six years ago. What a thing for a family to go through. The loss of a child, grandchild, brother, and friend. He was a few days shy of turning 19 when he met Jesus.

Lord, bless this family. Bless them with peace and sweet memories as they navigate this difficult week as they remember this sweet boy. Please give them the knowledge that he is healthy and happy and hanging out with your Son, Jesus. He is waiting for them to all be reunited one day.

Open Letter to A Brother Who Left This World Too Soon

 

Dear Z,

It has almost been six years without you, and I don’t feel it has gotten any easier. This wound is taking forever to heal. I miss you so much, and naturally, I wish you were here with me. This is my least favorite time of year. I know you are watching over me and taking care of me. 

I Wish You Could Answer Me

I’d give anything to have one final conversation with you or give you one last hug. If I could go back and change things, I would. I would have stayed by your side through it all. I think about that all the time. Does it make me a bad sister for leaving you there? I could have taken whatever our stepfather threw at me to stay with you.

Missing All The Things

My mom told me a few years ago that you asked for me every day. You asked when I was coming back from dad’s. You know I like to take care of people. I took care of you for the longest time. Honestly, I miss waking up at 3 in the morning to refill your feeding pump. I miss helping you walk around, even though you protested the entire time. For six years, I have been waiting for you to appear in front of me. To give me a chance to tell you my final goodbye. To tell you I loved you just one more time. 

It Hasn’t Happened, so I’ll Keep Waiting.

I think I can finally start to let go of the regret I’ve had for the past six years. It’s time. You know I love you more than words could ever describe. I know your biggest fear of death was being forgotten, but you are unforgettable. You made an impact on everyone’s life. I will never forget you or the things you did for me. 

You were one of my best friends. I promise you my kids will know what a fantastic man you were. They will know how strong you were and how hard you fought. They will know that you are my hero, and I aspire to be as strong and brave as you were. 

After Six Years, I Can Let You Go and Let You Rest in Peace

That doesn’t mean I will forget about you. It means I don’t have to worry about you hating me for leaving. I know you loved me as much as I loved you. I know you weren’t upset about us leaving Mom. I’m just upset she wouldn’t let you stay with us. 

I am letting go of my regret because it wasn’t my fault you got sick. Honestly, I was a child, and I know it wasn’t my responsibility to take care of you. I am moving on and trying to start the new year off right. Thankfully, I know you will be with me and watching over me every step.

Love,

S

 

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

I Am Who I Am

I Am Who I Am

I Am Who I Am

Being who I am that I do not have many friends. It is hard for me to open up to other people because of how often I have been used. Also, for being backstabbed by these so-called “friends.” My circle of friends is tiny due to this issue I have had in the past. 

I have maybe four close friends who care about me and my well-being. I would do anything for them. Honestly, I am loyal to the end. I find it hard to let go, especially when potential long-lasting friendships end. I also tend to take on my friends’ problems. Sadly, I claim that I am the cause of their issues. I will just as quickly take the blame for everything rather than have them take responsibility. 

This One “Friend”

This one “friend” is currently my co-worker and, unfortunately, my neighbor. The first night shift we worked together, we instantly clicked. We became comfortable with each other, which is incredibly rare for me. As the days went on, we constantly texted about work and life. We would hang out at my place and watch movies on our days off. His friends and family became comfortable with me as we continued to hang out. Working together was a blast since we got along, and the kids enjoyed it when we both worked on the same day.

Tragic Event

He was always there for me when I needed him. There was a massive party at the apartment where I used to live. There were easily at least 200+ party-goers. Having a party, this size goes against the contract of the apartment complex. Unfortunately, the party got out of hand. There was a tragic event that turned the party into a nightmare. 

My anxiety was at an all-time high, and I needed to get out of there. My friend came to rescue me as quickly as he could. He was so understanding and was there to help distract me from this event. My friend insisted that I did not return to my apartment until things calmed down and the police finished their investigations.

Maude, My Orphan Kitty

My friend also supported me when my little orphan kitten died that I was trying to bottle feed after her mom rejected her. I stayed up late at night and took that little kitten with me literally everywhere, we eventually had a routine, and I was so proud of how she was progressing. I do not do well when animals die, especially if I am the one dedicated to their health and well-being. The baby passed away, and I was heartbroken. My friend was with me, and he took the kitten and buried her for me since I could not do it myself. 

I Told Him Everything

We did not have secrets, and we knew each other pretty well. My ‘friend’ was concerned for my mental health and physical health since the job profession we work in is extremely taxing for someone with mental health issues. I was grateful to have someone to talk to who has some of the same problems that I struggle with daily. This person was the true definition of an absolute best friend, or so I thought. 

We did not date even though he admitted having feelings for me that I could not reciprocate for personal reasons. But we remained best friends for a long time, that is, until his current girlfriend came back into his life. They had dated once in the past. I was supportive. I still wanted to hang out with him, and I also wanted to get to know his girlfriend because I was trying to be supportive of their relationship. 

All of a Sudden

He stopped talking to me, and he did not use text or call me at all. I had no clue what I did wrong to make him not talk to me because we spent almost every day together. Things just got worse from that point. I tried to talk to him, but he refused to acknowledge my existence and futile attempts to get him to speak to me. 

I admitted to him that I was jealous that he spent every day with his new girlfriend and that she moved in with him only two weeks after their dating. Not jealous in the love sort of way but jealous that my best friend put all of his attention on just his girlfriend and nobody else. 

Then One Night

One night I was walking my dog, and he was outside on his back patio with his sister and girlfriend. I did not say a single word to him. He shouted from his yard that he needed to say something to me and let me have it. He told me never to talk to his friends or family again and that if I had something to say, I should say it to his face. 

Instantly I got defensive and shouted back an obscene comment while rushing back to my apartment. Granted, I should have handled that situation with better decorum, but I was unprepared for that verbal attack. This ‘friend’ would text me nasty things, and his girlfriend even got in on the action and told me to stop talking to her boyfriend or things would get worse for me. I did not know how to handle this situation, so I ignored him. 

My Depression and Anxiety

My depression was through the roof, and my anxiety about the whole scenario kept my mind running in 20 different directions. My ‘friend’ drunk-dialed me one night, and I just broke down and told him everything I felt and how betrayed I felt about the whole situation. He blamed me for his drinking and dipping problem, and he said that I was the one that caused drama between him and his friends and family. Being the person I am, I claimed his problems as my own. I honestly believed that our entire friendship had been some one-way street and that I had caused all his problems. 

Eventually

After we were mature and decided to end our silly feud when we would work together, he started talking to me more, and we fell back into our usual best friend ways. He said that his girlfriend did not like me, and she did not like the fact that we would hang out all the time and text each other constantly. I told him that if she was threatened by me trying to “break up their relationship,” I could never do that to someone. I’m not that kind of person. And I reiterated that I will still support and care about him because he played a part in my life whether I wanted it to happen or not.

I Missed my Best Friend

I told him I missed my best friend, and I honestly did. I missed the days we would hang out together, be goofy, and have fun with our two dogs. The thing is, is that I hold onto the people that come into my life. I try to make any situation better by offering to help however I can at the time. My friend kept in contact with me, but we never actually hung out except when we worked together at the boy’s house. He fell into a bad depressive state, and I tried my best to be there for him since I know how rough it can be when you get in that depressive state. 

One Random Night

His girlfriend added me on Snapchat and sent me a message. I dreaded opening it because I hated confrontation. We talked for a long time, and we were okay. I explained that I did not have feelings for him other than feelings of being a best friend and that I was not trying to break up their relationship. I called my friend and told him what she said and how everything was good between us again. Everything was fine for the next two weeks. 

Enter My Mom

One day my mom came over to visit me, and she wanted to introduce herself to my boys and my friend since I had already told her about him. All she did was shake his hand and introduce herself. Two days later, I got the most hateful message from him early in the morning. He accused my mom and me of trying to start drama and said she came to his house unannounced. I was confused and hurt by all the hateful things sent to me.

Horribly Bullying

He called me a crazy psycho manipulative bitch and that he never wanted to see my face ever again. We were NEVER friends, the exact words that were texted to me. That was along with some other things I will not mention. I was at work at the time, so I had to excuse myself to go to the bathroom to cry and then compose myself the best I could. My hands were shaking, and I could feel my blood pressure rising with each nasty message. I was confused, hurt, and betrayed, and I seriously started believing everything he was saying to me.

Is This a Joke?

I honestly thought at first that it was a joke. That wasn’t him because my best friend would never say things like that to me. I profusely apologized even though I did nothing wrong, but he did not believe me. He said that I was not innocent and that I thought that I had never done anything wrong. I allowed myself to be sad for a little while. Then I had to get over it and finish out my shift so I could go home. Why? 

Seriously, Why me? 

Why do I always get into situations with people betraying me and my trust? I love fiercely, and I am loyal to the end. I would never do anything to hurt my friend. But he hurt me. He hurt me so badly that I felt like my chest would rip open. I was miserable for the next week or two. His friends would always come at me and send me nasty messages. I just took it all on my shoulders like I usually do. 

I need to stop doing things like that.

And that doesn’t make me a bad person. I am allowed to have feelings. To be sad and mourn my best friend, who I somehow alienated in my life. After I attended a church sermon one day, my pastor said something that resonated with me. It probed me to remember how badly he hurt me. He said that even though someone might have done us wrong, we must forgive. Also, pray that God will bless their lives abundantly. 

I started to cry thinking about all my past friendships that crashed and burned for whatever reason it was at the time. Then, I sent every single one of my so-called “friends” a message. It was a ‘to the point’ message which said exactly what I wanted to say. I did this in a kind and Christ-Like manner. I do not know if any of my friends even read that message. At least I sent it to them and forgave them.

Message to my “Friend”

I still see my neighbor around, and I also see him at work. Today, I will choose kindness. Also, I will choose to love still (as a friend). Furthermore, I will care about him even though it is hard. I will decide to make friends if God brings them into my life. Also, I will still love and be loyal to them no matter what comes my way. 

And to my friend, even though he says we are not friends, I hope you have a fruitful life. That you and your girlfriend are happy together is all I ever wanted for you. I want you to be happy and successful. Even if that means our friendship is at an end. That’s okay. I will be okay. Because my heart belongs to God, and I believe in his everlasting love for me.

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Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Powerful Note to Self

This Powerful Note to Self is by a guest blogger working through some intense emotions and trauma. Remember, if you are a survivor of anything….it is NOT your fault! That can be hard to believe, especially if you struggle with implicit memories and cannot remember.

Implicit memories are memories that are from conception to three years of age. However, explicit memories are from the age of three until the present moment. Those are the memories that you can pull from and have validation. Implicit memories are ones you “feel.” They, to me, are harder to process and reconcile.

Sadly, any type of sexual abuse or molestation is devastating. It can take years to heal. Honestly, it may never heal this side of heaven. That is something that I’ve had to settle within myself to process things. My guest blogger is deep in the trenches. I am so proud of what she is doing to get help.

Powerful Note to Self

Powerful Note to Self

Note to self

This is not your fault

You are not the one who made the choice

All you did was follow a voice

A voice of someone you were supposed to trust.

Someone everyone else said you could trust

Not Your Fault

It’s not your fault

that you are scared to love

Or scared to be loved

{Or} that you are afraid to be touched.

Stating Truth

If anything it is his fault

He chose to hurt you

and He chose to betray your innocent trust

He chose to do the unthinkable

and steal the innocence that you shouldn’t have lost

Stop!

so stop blaming yourself for his mistakes

you were not and are not at fault.

You didn’t make those choices

So stop claiming it as yours

 

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

I Am Broken

 

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I Am Broken

I am broken

And I am not normal

I am not who I want to be

Instead, I am the one thing I have been raised to not be

The one thing that will make me lose people close to me

I am not who my parents expected me to be

Also, I am disappointed in their eyes

I am a disappointment in my own eyes

Struggling

I know it is wrong

Sadly, I know its not meant to be that way

I have not chosen to feel this way

It just happened

I have actively fought it

Honestly, I would rather not acknowledge it than admit to it

I don’t want to talk about it

And I don’t want to act on it

Normal

All I want is to be normal

To be who I was meant to be

Not who I have become

By choice or not

I hate myself for my feelings

I would rather just ignore it

Then deal with it

I am not normal

Sadly, I am broken

I AM NOT OKAY.

But one day I will be.

What God Says

God says He loves us.  He sent His son to die on the cross for us.  When we come to Christ, He throws our sins as far as the East is from the West.  Also, He says that Satan is the Prince of the Earth.  He comes to steal, kill, and destroy us all.  We have free will and it is a giant butthole.  God will not supersede free will, though He can at any moment.  He loves us and that is enough! This anonymous guest blogger shows such vulnerability and courage in writing and submitting this in order to help others.

The Trevor Project

 

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

I Will Never Be the Same

I Will Never Be the Same

 

Continued Story

My sweet friend is continuing to write her story.  She is showing so much of herself each time she writes.  In I Will Never Be the Same, she talks about disclosing to a family member.  This family member did the unthinkable.  They chose the abuser over the young girl.

I Don’t Know What is Worse

You believing what I said was true

Or wanting to sweep it under the rug.

How did you not know what was going on?

I remember one time it happened in the middle of the dining room.

Right by the sunroom you always sat in.

Reaction

Yet you act surprised when they came and got him.

Were you really oblivious or did you just not care?

The things that were done to me changed me forever.

I Will Never Be the Same

I grew up to hate myself.

How am I supposed to love others if all I know is hate?

All I know is that you hated me for some reason.

You must have wanted no one to care.

To make me feel like all you cared about was yourself…

Or worse just him.

The Great Pretender

Even after all the things he did, all you did was pretend.

Pretend it didn’t happen, pretend it didn’t matter.

Your choice to choose him ruined any chance of a relationship with me.

It messed up the relationship you had with your daughter,

Yet you still didn’t care about it.

Out of seven children all, you care about it the one.

Too bad you chose the crappy son.

Liar

The one that likes to lie to everyone.

He lied to you about everything.

And he told YOU that he was sorry.

He told YOU that he had changed.

But in reality, he is not who you make him out to be.

What He Could Have Done

If he was, he would have apologized to Me.

Or at least to his sister and his FAMILY.

All he did was manipulate.

So I hope it was worth it for you.

I hope the loss of a relationship with your grandchild and

the loss of a good standing relationship with a daughter

Is what you can live with for your decisions.

Even Now

Even now when you’re old and confused,

You know deep down you made the wrong excuse.

To choose the one person who ended a whole family with one decision.

I hope one day I’ll forgive you.

For all the things you’ve done.

And not just this one.

But until then you can stay there.

Resources

If you or someone you know is being abused, PLEASE reach out.

ChildHelp Hotline

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Suicide Prevention Lifeline

 

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

My Story Will Empower Me

My Story Will Empower Me

Highlighting Stories of Survivors

In this story, you will read about abuse by a stepfather to his stepdaughter. The phrase “My Story Will Empower Me” has stuck in my throat. As my heart was breaking for what this young girl had gone through, in the end, she knows Truth. What man used for evil, He will use for His glory. Somehow, someway, her story will give the strength to someone else to SPEAK UP and GET OUT. Her strength and courage leave me in awe. I’m so proud of this young lady.

A TRUE story of several years of abuse and the suicidal ideations this young lady had at a very young age. She is NOT a victim. This girl is a survivor and a child of the King. Please be mindful that I will not tolerate judgment or hateful things if I leave comments. All names have been changed to protect her.

Her Story

Donald,

Sometimes, I like to lay in bed and daydream about what my life would be like had you not abused me for many years. I want to think that I would be able to look at myself in the mirror and not be utterly disgusted with myself. Maybe I could undress in front of a mirror without cringing every time I see myself. Perhaps I would feel more comfortable around older men.

I Wasn’t the Only One.

You took a genuine interest in my sister, but you preferred to take pictures of her. You saved the majority of touching for me. One of the primary examples of touching I remember is when we would walk next to each other. You would put your arm around me and grab my butt. Sometimes, you would switch it up and rest your hand on my butt.

When It Began

I remember the abuse started when I was about nine, but I’m sure it happened well before then. Never will I forget you making us change in front of you. I remember my sixth-grade year when you made me and my sister rotate, who would change directly in front of you, and how you wouldn’t let us wear anything to the bed besides our underwear. I also remember when you were in a particularly good mood, and you would make us sleep naked so you could come into our room and stare at our bodies.

Innocence Stolen

What traumatized me the most was when you made me and my sister go into the little garage with you. You made my sister lock the door and told us to get completely naked. I remember how shaky my hands were while taking off my clothes. I was so scared of what you were going to do next. You called it “checking us for ticks,” but I know that’s not why you were doing it because you didn’t make our brothers do it either. I also know that wasn’t the real reason because I remember you waited until our mom left to do it. We couldn’t have been in the garage for long, but it felt like a lifetime trapped in there with you.

I vividly remember what it felt like when your rough hands traced every single inch of my body. If I had the choice to forget one day in my life, that would be the day. That was the day that you took my innocence from me. I was ten years old. No ten-year-olds should ever have to feel how I felt on that day. Ten-year-olds should be playing dress-up, not getting abused by their stepfathers. I trusted you. I loved you, and I thought you loved me too. What you did was not love.

Wanting Out

At night, I would lay in bed and think of ways to kill you so the abuse would stop. If I wasn’t plotting to kill you, I was planning ways to kill myself. I didn’t care what it took. I wanted out of the situation. It’s crazy to think about how much I wanted to die at ten. How many ten-year-olds do you know that want to commit suicide?

Anger Flows Freely

I’m angry that you took my innocence from me. You took my childhood. I’m mad you didn’t feel guilty for what you did to me. Also, I’m angry that you didn’t spend the rest of your life in jail. Honestly, I’m mad that you are still alive and my mother still loves you. I’m angry you guys got married. She chose you over me. I’m mad you locked my brother in his room for a week because you thought he was faking it. I had to sneak him food and water. I am so angry about that. I’m mad you waited so long to take him to the hospital.

Even after he was diagnosed {with brain cancer}, you treated him like crap because you thought he was doing it for attention. I’m angry I didn’t get to be there with my brother as he was dying because of you. I don’t know how you live with yourself. How do you sleep at night? I hope you are miserable. I hope the guilt about my brother eats you up inside.

Wishes for My Future

If and when I have children, I will do everything I can to protect them from people like you. I promise that I won’t be like you or my mother. My children will never have to worry about men watching them change or shower. My children will never look in the mirror and hate themselves because of what happened. Hopefully, one day, I will be able to forgive you. I hope one day I will look in the mirror and be proud of who I am and what I have overcome. I wish I could say that this won’t happen to other little girls, but I know many people like you.

My Story Will Empower Me

I hope one day soon that I will be able to publicly tell my story so that other women can speak up about their stories. You will lose your grip on me one day, and I’ll love myself again. Soon, I will love my body. I will no longer be ashamed of you, and my story will empower me. One day soon, you’ll die, and I will sleep a tad bit better at night. You will get what is coming to you and deserve every bit of it.

You will have to answer for what you did to me one of these days. There is nothing you can ever say or do to make up for what you did to me. One of these days, I will be doing better than ever. Your abuse never has and will never define who I am or where I’m going. I hope you are happy with the choices you’ve made in life. I hope that it was all worth it in the end.

Yours Truly,

Nicole

Resources

If you or someone you know is being abused, PLEASE reach out.

ChildHelp Hotline

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Suicide Prevention Lifeline

 

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Save Me I am Drowning

 

Save Me I am Drowning

When We Met

Please save me. I am drowning. LA’s death has been a HARD thing for me to blog about….but I keep thinking if I get out my thoughts, through my fingertips….maybe I can get the images out of my mind.

LA…..we met when our boys were playing baseball when they were about 8. She had two kiddos. Our boys are the same age, and then she has a daughter the same age as my 5th son. I remember walking into the baseball park, finding N’s team, and then seeing this woman sitting on the top of the bleachers.

She had a little bob haircut, and her hair was bleached blonde. Honestly, she looked like a baby. She was way too young to have an 8- and 3 yr old at the time. She had on a white t-shirt and ripped jeans. Sitting beneath her was this skinny man with this awesome mustache and his brown-haired wife. They were all smoking, loud, fussing at each other, laughing, cheering, and eating. My 5th child took a liking to the brown-haired lady, and every time I turned around, she gave him food. I would give D a stern look, and she would pipe up, “don’t you fuss at that baby. He didn’t ask. He just looked hungry.”

LA and Her Curiosity

The bleach-blonde girl would cackle, and I’d roll my eyes thinking, she is my spirit animal. Rough around the edges, spirited, funny, family-oriented, and LOUD. We hit it off and began an intense friendship of discovery.

LA, through the lens she saw my life, was curious. She was asked a lot of questions about my life, my marriage, my parenting, and my faith. Her kids and my kids hit it off. We all hit it off with her parents and her brother. It was fun. It was crass at times cause that is how they roll, in a vat of sarcasm and love.

We were friends for about 10 yrs; through incredible ups of leading her to Christ in the park and her dyeing my hair to the deepest of lows with alcohol, drug addiction, and mental illness. I have loved her through every moment we knew each other. There was a point where those moments consumed me like a fire. There were times when I would stay up late. I talked with her and tried my best to pull her into the light of healing. I was doing the job that Christ needed to do.

When She Fell and Letting Go

What I see now, on the back end of things, is that she didn’t eat the bottom of the barrel when she fell. She hit my face. I loved her and her children and family, so I placed myself at the bottom of that barrel, so she never had the opportunity to see Jesus directly. She saw Him because she loved Him and was His child, but she did see Him in that face of darkness and despair. I wanted control because I thought I could fix it all and make her better.

My husband had encouraged me to back away. Not to disappear, not to stop loving, not to stop praying, but I had to allow her to meet her Jesus and find her healing and wholeness in Him and not me. That was hard. I met some very dark days, as well. Sometimes she would need me, and I would rearrange everything to go to her and love her and leave my kids and their issues behind.

It is sad to say that reprioritizing my life, submitting to my husband, and what I know to be Scripturally correct was letting LA deal with things alone….without me swooping in to rescue her. My heart was good because I love her so much, and I love those babies so very much, but our friendship was in the way of her relationship with Jesus. I was a stumbling block.

Swirl of Love

As the years waned in and out, we would have good laughs at memories and catch up with the kids, and she started becoming healthier in her mind and other areas. What proved to me that listening to Jesus was right was when she called me up out of the blue and said: “I need you.” Mind you; this was probably 8 or 9 years into our friendship. She wanted to come to the house. She needed me, and I could hear in her voice the clarity. I did not hear that foggy voice of addiction. I told her to come, and we would talk.

She walked up to my porch, and the swirl of love and respect for each other encompassed us. It was like not a minute had passed since we had seen each other. She was clear-eyed, had a clear voice, and was very strong. There was such a strength in her. She sat down and explained what was going on to Bart and me, and we all just sat there and stared at each other, thinking, “oh crap….what is going to happen, and how can we help.” She needed to talk about an issue. There had been an issue with her precious son. In a moment of fogginess, the love she had for that baby, regardless of the situation, was written all over her face.

Forgiveness

She had forgiven, instantly, the things that had happened and was prepared to do whatever she could to help her son get the help he needed, and she did. She fought an excellent fight, and she and her mom won. He received what he needed, and though the situation was terrible, in a stranger’s view, it was just a moment to her. A mistake happened. We all make them; he is no different, and she loves and believes in him and his sister. I was so proud of her and her resolve. I think the only other thing I was prouder of was when she received Christ, but this one was a close second!

Save Me I am Drowning

Now, to see my friend, so desperate, again, and I was unaware this time. The phone call from her mom stopped my world from spinning. Honestly didn’t believe her until I heard her substantial voice crack. I could hear her crying over the phone. Just typing and thinking about that sends this electric emotion through me. I can’t stop thinking of all the “what ifs.” My last image of my friend was looking at her beautiful face. She was so calm and sincere. I brushed her freshly washed hair and braided it. All while she lay on that table after she took her life.

I Will Never Forget

I will never get those images out of my head. Ever. I will never forget hugging her mom, son, daughter, and brother. I will never forget it. Never. I washed her face, brushed her hair, and painted her fingernails the perfect color of pink. I will never forget it.

One Moment

One moment of despair.

A moment of feeling alone.

Finally, a moment of being alone, physically.

Ten seconds away from her mom and children.

Her life was over.

She met Jesus face to face.

Please please please remember

You are NEVER alone.

God is ALWAYS with you.

You are LOVED beyond measure.

Help is a PHONE CALL 24 HOURS A DAY away.

There is always a joy to be found somewhere; even if it is so minimal, there is still joy.

Please seek help from a counselor, the hotline, a pastor, a friend, or a family member.

Please do not choose a path that leaves the family with many unanswered questions and pain.

You ARE WORTHY.

Related Posts

The Power of Small Breaks

 

Adoption, Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger

God is in the Details

~~Guest Blogger: God is in the details is something I posted, a few months ago.  This post is about the love, adoption, and loss of this sweet family’s sweet daughter Freh.  Amy and Sten’s story continues and the light of the Lord shines through dark times.  She has graciously let me repost her original blog (you can find her blog here).  Amy and Sten’s story is powerful and their faith is an inspiration~~

God is in the Details

Sometimes Writing is Painful

Putting words into print somehow solidifies the reality. But everyone knows that writing is therapeutic and sharing one’s story is really more for the writer than the reader, right?

I have had an aversion to sharing in the past several months, because how do I say it? How do I justly tell a story that has so many details and changing parts that won’t leave me feeling torn apart and raw or worse yet…vulnerable. After all, isn’t dealing with child loss and grief enough? I mean why tell a story that will make me look like a glutton for punishment? I don’t know. But what I do know is that an amazing story is unfolding in my life, and I haven’t shared it because of vulnerability. I have avoided the messy, ugly, scorching parts to preserve what little dignity I have left. Questions, opinions, judgment, they all raise the hairs on my neck.

I Have Turned to Close Confidants

Also, my prayer posse to stand there, in this foggy ditch, and intercede on my behalf until I can muster the words……God is still working. He has not set my tapestry down and forgotten. He is very much working out the finest of details. This ‘new us’ is now on a constant quest for joy. Consistently, almost methodically searching and seeking not the temporary thrills and distractions from our pain, but eternal, long-lasting, blanketing joy. We did a lot of talking and praying about this joy. I asked God to tell me where to go to find this gift He had for us and very clearly he pointed us to children, the beautifully packaged joy that He has time and again chosen for us since we were just 18 years old.

May 2014

Mother’s Day weekend. We got an email that informed us that a young, homeless girl in Florida is pregnant and has chosen us to be the forever family for her baby, due in October. We were ecstatic! Oh, how we had longed for a baby to hold and love since that day just a year before when our lives were shattered, and our Freh was taken from us. I finally felt like there was some joy to be had. A baby, a young mother in need, a little package of hope.

Flying to Florida

We flew to Florida and met “D” and her boyfriend. We went to an ultrasound and saw the little life inside her. It was a boy. He was healthy. We enjoyed the time we spent with this young girl, talking about her life and her plans for herself. Seeing that the relationship she was in with her boyfriend was not healthy,  Sten and I spoke with her about that and ways she could get help.

We bonded with this young mother. I felt an immediate love for her. She showed us the hotel she was now staying in, and we taught her how to cook some food for herself.  On the flight home, Sten and I admitted that we felt conflicted. We really wished she could somehow find a way, as we had over 19 years ago, to keep her baby and yet, we still really longed for a baby. I committed to praying quietly that God would move in D’s life and that He would guide her to the right decision.

She and I Texted Throughout the Summer

I was able to have a few significant conversations with her. We talked about purpose and God and joy. She knew that we had lost our daughter a year before and she asked me how I handle that, a question that brought such a lump to my throat because I knew what possibly laid ahead in her future. I simply answered that I just let God handle the hard parts and I never stop seeking Him. She responded that her grandmother used to tell her the same thing.

35 weeks, ultrasound day….we received a call that D had not shown up for her ultrasound and that she called to tell our consultant that she has decided to leave her boyfriend and keep her baby. She had reunited with her mom, and they were going to raise the baby together. Now, you might think that we were angry with her for this…after all, how could she string us along with all summer and take thousands from us in support? We had our house ready for a baby.

We Were Supposed to be His Parents, Right?

Nope.

God had protected our hearts so perfectly that when we got the news, and the initial (5minute) sting wore off, we were so HAPPY for D. She found a way. She gets to be a momma to her baby!! How could that make anyone angry? God had worked it out to the smallest details. My concern was that she knew we were so happy for her and that we loved her, no matter what. It was ok. I felt that peace that only God can wash over me.  This is where it gets ugly and messy and, for the sake of sanity and humility and all things sensible, I will just share the watered-down version.

Have you ever had an experience that is so confusing and awful that all you can do is chalk it up to the darkness in this world? Well, that’s kind of how this next part played out……Two days later we were matched with another baby due “any day now.” He was 100% certainly ours, or so we were told. We let our guards down, went to Target, and bought everything we would need for this soon to be born child. Then, I asked if a prenatal record was available for us to look over, so we knew what to expect with this baby and just like that he was stripped from us and given to a family who would “love him unconditionally” (aka pay more money and not ask questions) To my friends in the adoption community, you may take a short break to wash the vomit from your mouths.

I know.

Brutal

Two weeks of refusal to answer our emails and phone calls. We had nothing. We were devastated, angry, hurt, seething mad. Talk about God putting up a huge wall. In the midst of hurt and loss upon loss like this, we barely could see straight. I pushed hard into God and the very close, personal friends he has gifted me with. They spoke the truth to me.  I cried, paced, spit…all of those ugly things you do when you get seething mad. But, God was loud and clear to me, once again, to wait to be quiet. TRUST HIM.

I Decided I was not Going to Share Publicly What Had Happened

I was going to let things pass and hopefully ease into the next chapter, without any scars or should I say judgment. People would notice when November comes, and we don’t have a baby. I just didn’t have the words. I kept hearing God nudging me to ‘write it out’….share what He is doing in the midst of pain, but golly! That is just such a vulnerable place to put yourself. And in the center of all that confusion and hurt, I certainly couldn’t see the thread of God’s needle. I could feel more of the flame of his blowtorch… How could I possibly find some wonderfully divine inspiration for writing? But God kept revisiting the issue. Write.

Behind the Adoption Drama Unfolding Another Ache

Our oldest son. He has had a difficult stretch these last few years, and we have had to let him learn some incredibly hard life lessons. Ones that you think to yourself, “son, this is going to wreck you possibly, but you must walk across these burning embers to heal and learn.” I can see now that God knew. God saw the way in advance that if we had been given D’s baby, we certainly would not have been available to help our first-born child through quite possibly, the most challenging time in his life. I love my God for protecting my children that way. For answering my very own prayers for my children so perfectly. Weaving our hearts together in the most intricate way possible.  I am thankful.

My Husband is a Patient and Introspective Man

He encourages me to do things that really stretch me, like be patient, wait it out, be quiet (HA!), listen. He is such a ROCK for me. After all the dust settled from that terrible “you have a baby, wait, no you don’t” week…Sten said to me that we should wait a month, get our bearings and start looking around us at what we should do next. We indeed agreed that we weren’t going to give up on adoption. God put that call on our hearts, and we haven’t felt as if he is taking it away.

On November 6 we signed with an adoption consulting firm called Christian Adoption Consultants. Turns out, Freh’s friend in Heaven, Mattie Sam, well, his mom is one of the lead consultants there, and they orchestrated the whole “hey, our moms should totally meet” thing. Tracie and I firmly believe that they are up to some serious Heavenly Shenanigans! Isn’t that cool? Isn’t it amazing how if you just take a half step back, you can see that GLORY IS RIGHT THERE?

God, just waiting to do His thing! Now, we are working with Tracie’s team at CAC to meet a need and be matched with a baby who needs us, and we cannot wait to see what God will do with this. It finally feels like we are right where He wants us to be. Adoption is very hard. Adoption is very risky. But, with God and Godly people by your side, He will use the ugliest of situations and bring beauty from them!

All This Time

I have heard God speaking to me to write. “I will bless the Lord at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul shall make her boast in the Lord: the humble shall hear thereof, and be glad. O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together. I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.” Psalm 34:1-4  This verse has come to my plate many times over the course of the past 8 years. Be a lamp. Still, I struggled inside my own head with sharing.

People Will Just Understand, I Told Myself

God will understand why I don’t want to write about it, it’s painful. But then, without even mentioning this spiritual struggle to anyone, God used one of his people to deliver a message. A Facebook friend wrote me and said she had been feeling like the Lord was leading her to pray for me. We chatted about that, and I let her in on the very surface details of our adoption trials. Then just Sunday morning, she messaged me again, “Have you blogged about any of this? I’m wondering if sharing your thoughts, your story might bring your baby home? I believe God is not asking you to share your sorrow rather share His love and openly SEEK your baby. I’m positive God is asking me to tell you to listen to that voice you hear calling.”

WAIT.  WHAT?

Yes. My God. Our God. He does these things. He uses his people as 2x4s to smack us upside the head. He’s done it before. Why am I surprised?  So, I just spent the better part of a Monday writing to you about the wonderful, faithful, amazing love that is God. He is in the very details of our lives, even when we feel so far from him. He is right there. Listening. Beckoning. Leading.

I am not giving up. Refinement is painful at times. I can see joy and sorrow, contentment and longing all rolled up into a holy ball of fire and ice, beauty like nothing ever witnessed before.

If You Have Endured This Post to the Very End, Would You Do One More Thing?

Would you please pray for us? Pray that whatever baby God is intending for our family will make it to our family soon. Praise God with us for the mighty work He is doing in our oldest son. Ask God to give our weary hearts strength in this wait. Pray for protection and peace over our children. Ask God for grand logistic graces for all of the ifs and whens of this adoption and the impending adoption of Mihret’s brother from Ethiopia. Please pray that I will continue to seek and see Him in all of the details.

Love you all.
Amy