Tag: trauma

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma

When Feeling Angry Ask Yourself These Things

Brandi C

When Feeling Angry Ask Yourself These Things

Plans Are a Good Thing

When faced with challenges, it helps to have a plan. Identifying current triggers and preparing to address them proactively can create a more supportive and understanding environment. Sharing concerns with therapists and other professionals allows for more informed responses based on compassion, grace, and love. When Feeling Angry Ask Yourself These Things and that can bring clarity.

Sometimes, new strategies are implemented to provide additional support. For example, adjusting academic plans during the summer can help bridge learning gaps and provide a fresh start in the new school year. Having structured plans can create stability and reduce stress.

Understanding Behaviors

To effectively navigate behavioral challenges, it is essential to ask key questions and identify the core issues at play. This process provides clarity and ensures that responses are constructive rather than reactive.

What Need Is Not Being Met?

Determining whether an unmet need belongs to the child or the caregiver is crucial. A desire for control often plays a role in reactions to challenging situations. Stepping back, setting healthy boundaries, and allowing others to take on responsibilities can relieve some of the pressure. For the child, feelings of not being heard or validated may contribute to frustration and defiant behavior. Past experiences shape current responses, often leading to resistance and a heightened sense of unfairness.

What Boundary Is Being Crossed?

Respect and boundaries are central to the issue. When a child resists listening or disregards authority, it often stems from a desire for autonomy. However, learning compromise and understanding realistic expectations are essential parts of development.

What Needs to Be Expressed in the Moment?

Balancing validation with discipline is key. Acknowledging emotions while reinforcing boundaries helps build trust and structure. Expressing empathy while maintaining expectations creates a more effective way to guide behavior.

How Can Expression Remain True to Core Values Rather Than Reactive Emotions?

Remaining authentic in communication requires self-awareness. Sometimes, choosing to disengage and allow others to handle a situation is the best approach. Other times, clear and firm guidance is necessary. Taking the time to reflect on personal values and identity can help ensure responses align with long-term goals rather than momentary frustrations.

Moving Forward

Challenges, no matter how overwhelming, are temporary. Even when situations feel insurmountable, they will pass. Maintaining perspective and leaning on well-thought-out plans can help navigate difficulties with resilience and grace.

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

đź“ž Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

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Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma

The Body Keeps the Score

Brandi C

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The Body Keeps the Score: How Unresolved Trauma Manifests Physically

We often think of trauma as something that exists only in the mind—something we can push down, lock away, and move past if we just “get over it.” But the truth is, trauma doesn’t just live in our thoughts; it takes root in our bodies. If left unresolved, it finds ways to make itself known—through chronic pain, fatigue, autoimmune disorders, digestive issues, migraines, and even seemingly unexplained physical symptoms. The body keeps the score, and it will keep sending signals until we listen.

How Trauma Affects the Body

When we experience trauma—whether it’s a single event or prolonged exposure to stress—our nervous system responds in a fight, flight, or freeze mode. This response is meant to protect us in the moment, but when trauma is not processed, our body remains on high alert long after the danger has passed. Over time, this prolonged stress response can lead to:

  • Muscle tension and chronic pain – Our bodies physically brace for impact, whether from past or future threats. This can result in tension headaches, neck and back pain, or even fibromyalgia.

  • Digestive issues – The gut and brain are deeply connected. Trauma can trigger irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), nausea, or appetite changes.

  • Autoimmune conditions – Chronic stress weakens the immune system, making it easier for the body to attack itself.

  • Exhaustion and fatigue – Trauma is draining. If the body is constantly in survival mode, it depletes energy levels, leaving people feeling exhausted no matter how much rest they get.

  • Heart problems – Anxiety, panic attacks, and prolonged stress can contribute to high blood pressure and heart disease.

Healing: Releasing Trauma from the Body

Healing from trauma isn’t just about mentally letting go—it’s about physically releasing it from the body. This often involves:

  • Forgiveness (of yourself and others) – Holding on to pain and resentment keeps the body in a stress response. Forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing harm, but it allows you to free yourself from the weight of it.

  • Therapy and Somatic Work – Traditional talk therapy is powerful, but sometimes the body needs more. Somatic therapy, EMDR, yoga, breathwork, and other body-based approaches can help release stored trauma.

  • Movement – Trauma often gets stuck in the body, and movement helps release it. Whether through exercise, dance, stretching, or even shaking, physical activity helps reset the nervous system.

  • Mindfulness and Meditation – Practices like meditation, deep breathing, and grounding techniques help calm the body and bring it back to a place of safety.

  • Seeking Support – Trauma healing is not meant to be done alone. Community, counseling, and safe relationships help the body feel secure and supported.

Your Body Deserves Healing

If you’ve ever felt like your body was betraying you with pain, illness, or exhaustion, consider that it may actually be trying to protect you. Trauma that isn’t addressed will keep showing up until it is acknowledged, processed, and released. You deserve healing—not just in your mind, but in your entire being.

The body keeps the score, but you have the power to rewrite the story.

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

đź“ž Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

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The Body Keeps the Score

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma

Not All Scars Can Be Seen

Brandi C

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Not All Scars Can Be Seen

Not All Scars Can Be Seen

Scars tell stories. Some are visible, etched into our skin as reminders of battles fought and wounds healed. Others, though, remain hidden as they carve deep into our hearts and minds, shaping us in ways the world cannot see but are just as real.

The Weight of Invisible Wounds

Emotional and psychological scars often go unnoticed. There’s no cast for a broken spirit, no stitches for a wounded heart. Trauma, grief, anxiety, and depression—these struggles don’t always show on the outside, but they shape us just the same.

The hardest part? Others may not understand. It’s easy to offer sympathy for a physical injury. However, invisible scars often come with judgment, doubt, or well-meaning but dismissive comments like “Just move on” or “It’s all in your head.” But pain doesn’t have to be visible to be valid.

Healing Takes Time

Just like physical wounds, emotional scars need time to heal. Healing doesn’t follow a straight path; instead, it moves through ups and downs. Some days, you feel strong, and on other days, the past creeps back in. That’s okay. True healing isn’t about forgetting what hurt you—it’s about learning to live beyond the pain and finding ways to move forward.

How to Care for the Unseen Wounds

✔ Acknowledge Your Pain – Your feelings are real and deserve space. Recognizing and accepting them is the first step toward healing. ✔ Speak Your Truth – Whether through therapy, journaling, or talking to a trusted friend, expressing your emotions can be powerful and cathartic. ✔ Set Boundaries – Protect your peace. It’s okay to walk away from toxic environments and relationships that no longer serve you. ✔ Practice Self-Compassion – You are not your trauma. Therefore, be gentle with yourself and give yourself the grace to heal. ✔ Seek Support – You don’t have to carry this alone. There is strength in reaching out, and there are people who want to help.

You Are Not Alone

If you carry invisible scars, know this: You are seen. You are valued. Your pain matters. Healing is possible, and you are worthy of it.

Scars, visible or not, are proof of survival. And you? You are still here. You are still fighting and you are still standing. That is strength, resilience, and that is something to be proud of.

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

đź“ž Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

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Circle of Hope Counseling Services, Faith Journey

What is a Traumaversary?

Brandi C

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What is a Traumaversary?

A traumaversary is the anniversary of some sort of trauma in your life. It can be from a deployment, abuse, car accident, traumatic pregnancy/birth, house fires, neglect… the list can go on and on. You aren’t obsessing over all the bad things that happened in your life. It is simply something that you haven’t resolved and your body keeps the score.

Symptoms of a traumaversary can vary from sadness, anger (another topic for another day), anxiety, hypervigilance, insomnia or hypersomnia, flashbacks, nightmares, guilt, and even can manifest itself in a physical illness. The book, The Body Keeps the Score is not a fun read but it is interesting and it does drive home these concepts. 

I explain it to people who have never heard this word before in a way that it is easy to understand. When they call me for an appointment, they are usually in some sort of acute stress. When we get to talking, I ask if they remember feeling this way at the same time, every year. 9/10 times, they do feel the same way and they can’t figure it out.
When we get to digging, there is usually something that occurred, way back when, that their body is remembering/reacting to even though they hadn’t cognitively thought about that issue since it occurred. They pushed it WAY down and stuffed it away. However, their body remembers.
There are ways to cope. First, acknowledge the event and that it no longer has power over you. Talking it out…not talking it to death over and over again but just one time from start to finish. When you get the thoughts out of your head through tears, snot, words, or writing…it releases it from captivity in your brain. Again, you are not giving it power over you. A lot of times, just talking it out and saying it out loud to another set of ears releases you from that bondage.
Every person wants to be seen, heard, and, validated in their experiences. When they are, it releases you from the prison that the trauma has placed you in. I want you to remember that you are normal. There is nothing wrong with you. Have grace and compassion with yourself, practice self-care, do something for others, or just take a nap or long shower.
You are not alone. Knowledge is power. You are no longer a slave to your past. Plant your feet firmly in the present and look towards your future. That is where hope lives.

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

đź“ž Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

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Circle of Hope Counseling Services, Faith Journey

You Are Capable

Brandi C

You Are Capable

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You are capable of doing all things when Jesus is by your side. People often tell me that they do not know who they are anymore due to the amount of trauma that has occurred in their lives. It is my pleasure to tell them that they are not only capable of doing all the things they dream of, they were created to do these amazing things because the King of Kings has gifted them with amazing talents. God will take all the tests (trauma) of your life and allow it to be a TESTimony for Him.

This makes you capable of handling any and everything as long as He is on your side because it isn’t you doing the heavy lifting. You are being obedient and He is carrying the burden for you. Matthew 11:28-30: Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

đź“ž Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

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When the Silence is Deafening

 

End the Stigma, Faith Journey, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

When the Silence is Deafening

Brandi C

When the Silence is Deafening

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When silence becomes deafening, emotions can shift from moment to moment. Some days, it feels like they change by the minute. Lately, the silence has been so loud that I can’t hear myself think. It’s like when my aunt can’t smell anything because the noise around her is too overwhelming—strange, isn’t it? Even as I write this, I’m reflecting on how I got here.

On Juneteenth, my friend took her last breath here on earth. In July, my sweet granny passed away. Then, one year to the date after my granny’s death, my father-in-law died. My Lady’s birthday falls in July, but her death anniversary is on October 1st. A friend celebrated her birthday on October 6th, but she passed away on October 15th a few years ago. Although these deaths happened years ago, they feel like they just occurred yesterday.

In a crisis, I tend to be focused—quiet, but focused. I do what needs to be done, helping where I can. But it’s during the stillness of the night, when I’m not juggling multiple tasks, that everything shifts. It’s when I allow myself to be still that the grief and pain I’ve buried deep inside begin to surface.

I don’t like the silence.

It’s in that silence when I realize how much hurt and grief I’ve been holding in. My greatest fear is that if I stop, if I let myself feel, I’ll start crying and never stop. It’s difficult for me to reach out and be vulnerable, to cry in front of someone. I fear judgment, explaining myself, or making the pain I’ve held in feel too real once I speak it aloud.

Not long ago, I reached out to a friend. It felt strange. I had been alone that night, crying for hours. Then, I stopped and dialed her number. She’s the one person who rarely answers because she’s a busy mom with her own life, so I assumed she wouldn’t answer.

She answered.

No words came out of my mouth. All I did was cry. She listened and she didn’t ask questions or offer “it’ll be okay” statements. Honestly, she just listened to me cry. Afterward, I managed to say the many things that had been plaguing my heart. I didn’t want her to fix anything; I knew she couldn’t. All I needed was for her to listen and love me, without any judgment or unsolicited advice.

October 1st was another difficult day. I made it to work for about two hours before I couldn’t go any further. I left, called my mom, and pretended everything was fine, but she knew. She always knows. I kept the conversation together and then came home and slept.

Off to the Hills

I spent the rest of the day crying off and on, then called my mom again, asking if I could come over. She was busy but said she’d be home soon and I could come over then. I got in the car, feeling like I couldn’t breathe or hold it together. I told my husband I was leaving, not knowing when or if I’d be back that night.

It was a beautiful evening, so I rolled the windows down and drove. In the past, when we lived in our old house, I would go on drives like this to clear my head. There was no pressure to be a wife or a mom. I’d drive for hours, seeing new places, exploring new roads. Sometimes, a kid would join me, and we’d go on adventures. Once, I ended up in Dukedom, TN.

Visiting Granny

On that particular night, I drove on unfamiliar roads and ended up near Lovelaceville—close to my granny’s house. I took the “old way” and passed by the new houses. The familiar music stirred my emotions, and I cried even harder. Memories flooded back of driving down that road with her. My mind was a mess, and my body couldn’t hold back the tears.

I ended up at the cemetery where my granny, grandfather, uncle, aunt, and cousin are buried. I hadn’t been there in a long time. My heart longed for her presence—the wisdom she offered, the laughter she shared, the way she could solve my problems with a game of Scrabble, some juicy fruit gum, and a surprise bowl of ice cream.

Cortisol Break

I’m in the middle of a “cortisol break” as I sit here, tears dripping down my face. It’s a moment where the weight of everything comes rushing in, and I need time to collect myself.

I’ve been working through this for days, writing down my feelings. Right now, I’m listening to Made for More while holding onto the baby blanket my granny made for me. It’s my comfort—a kind of emotional support quilt. It’s full of holes, tears, and stains, but it’s mine. It makes me feel loved. It’s incredible how an object can do that.

Deafening Silence

The silence is the hardest part for me. It’s when the noise fades that the unresolved grief starts to surface. When my granny passed, I had just gained custody of two kids, only to lose her and them shortly after. When my father-in-law died, we hadn’t spoken for six months due to a misunderstanding. After LA passed, I couldn’t go to her funeral because my son needed chemotherapy. When my Lady died, my son was struggling with OMS, and my dad had a stroke, so I couldn’t process her death. And when Donna passed, that night was filled with pain in more ways than one.

There’s so much I’ve never processed, and the recent losses only add to it. If I could just trust in God’s faithfulness, maybe this pain wouldn’t feel so overwhelming. I know His word is true, and I do believe in it. But in my life, I struggle to see hope. I feel trapped, like I’m walking through mud. It’s hard to see a way out. If I don’t allow myself to feel, to sit in the silence and process, I don’t know what will happen. Maybe I’ll implode.

“Made For More”
(feat. Jenn Johnson)

I know who I am ’cause I know who You are.
The cross of salvation was only the start.
Now I am chosen, free and forgiven.
I have a future and it’s worth the living’.
Cause I wasn’t made to be tending a grave.
I was called by name.
Born and raised back to life again.
I was made for more.
So why would I make a bed in my shame.
When a fountain of grace is running my way.
I know I am Yours
And I was made for more.

Oh hallelujah.
You called out my name.
So I’ll sing out Your praise.
Hallelujah.
You buried my past
And I’m not going back.

 

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

đź“ž Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

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Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

In the Still of the Night The Monster Comes to Play

Brandi C

In the Still of the Night The Monster Comes to Play

In the Still of the Night, The Monster Comes to Play

The Monster in the Silence

I love the time of day when I can go upstairs and just be. For the day, I am done. I am done with work, cooking, cleaning, putting out fires, phone calls, texts, and all the other things that demand my attention. My stuff, a bottle of water, and my Coke come upstairs with me. I turn on all the fans, dim the lights, wash my face, and pile up in bed. Yet, in the still of the night, the monster comes to play. For a while, I am okay, but then my mind begins to wander. A wandering mind is never a good thing for me.

The Silence

My life is SO loud. My son is a chatterbox, people at work, the lights, traffic—just all the things. I stopped listening to music in the house (or car); the television is rarely on. Even chewing can grind my gears. Everything is loud. At night, though, aside from the fans, it’s silent, except for the thoughts in my head.

These thoughts aren’t good. In the past, I would watch the Detail Geek (the car detailing guy from Canada) and talk to a sweet friend. We’d chat through his details, laugh, and catch up on life. We’d talk about our issues, the issues with our children, and all the things. It was good to have that voice in my ear, even when we sat in silence. This became a nightly ritual that I came to enjoy.

Since she passed away, I stopped watching him. I get so emotional when I do. Then, I go to pick up the phone and realize she isn’t there. There’s that realization that most of the people I held dear to my heart have passed. I still have people I can call, but we are all in the thick of life. Without that calm, consistent voice, the unresolved trauma of life and loss floods me with grief because now I’m left with just myself and my thoughts.

Reality

When my friend’s daughter died (we were good friends before her mom and I became friends), I didn’t process her death for a year. Her death was so hard on me. I loved LA from the moment I met her until the moment we buried her. Donna and I were always close, but after LA’s passing, our bond became unbreakable.

There’s one night that stands out, and I still remember it vividly. I called Donna because my thoughts were so loud, and I was finally processing LA’s death. Here I am, crying so hard that I couldn’t breathe, and Donna, who had lost her daughter, comforted me. She couldn’t understand me through my sobs, but finally, she told me to stop crying and tell her two things that made me laugh when I thought of LA.

Bats. Hair dye.
Instantly, I stopped crying. I replayed that story over and over in my head. The darkness began to have a bit of light, and the monster retreated for a moment. But now, Donna is gone, and so is LA. I don’t have anyone to tell that story to. So, once again, the monster comes out to play in the stillness of the night. When I am alone with my own thoughts, the depression begins to overwhelm me.

Bats. Hair dye.
Bats. Hair dye.
Monsters go away because I do not want to play. LA’s birthday is coming up soon, and I often think of her children. I’m still in communication with them, but if it’s this hard for me, I can’t imagine what it’s like for them. Their pain is so deep, with so much loss at such a young age.

Cancer, Suicide, and Depression

Cancer is cruel, and it took Donna way too quickly. From diagnosis to her death was only nine days. You know what’s worse? Suicide. Please know that you are enough, you are worthy, you are loved, and life is better with you in it! Please reach out to a friend, pastor, counselor, therapist, or call 911 or 988, the National Suicide Hotline number.

Whereas Donna passed quickly from cancer, LA struggled with mental illness and made a choice that forever impacted all those who loved her. She has been on my mind a lot lately, especially with her birthday on the 14th and her death day on June 17th.

There are things that can help—counseling, fresh air, prayer, talking to someone, eating protein, drinking water, practicing self-care, reading, and many more. These things can help take your mind off of your current circumstances and focus on more positive things.

Please, reach out! You are loved.

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Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma

Psychogenic Itching

Brandi C

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Psychogenic Itching: What It Is and How It Affects Us

Yes, Psychogenic itching is a real thing, and I didn’t even realize that was what was happening to me until recently. As a therapist, I am constantly learning—whether through trainings, observing other therapists, from clients, or personal experiences.

A few years ago, I tried EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy. I wanted to experience it before getting trained myself, so I could fully understand what I was asking of my clients. However, my experience with EMDR was not great. I had some things I couldn’t remember, and EMDR was recommended to help with that.

EMDR Session One

I had already completed the initial screening, so I skipped that part and moved straight to the tappers. There are several different methods of EMDR, but the tappers resonated with me the most. For the first session, I was instructed to go to my first and worst memory. I did so in a dark room, guided by a therapist, with my eyes closed and the tappers in hand. However, my mind didn’t go to the memory I expected. Instead, it went to something completely different, and I began randomly itching during the process.

The session was mentally and emotionally exhausting. Afterward, I went home and slept for 12 straight hours. This is not unusual for me after intense therapy, but the itching continued once I got home.

EMDR Session Two

In my second session, I started itching as soon as I pulled into the parking lot. I didn’t think much of it at first—after all, I have allergies. However, when the session started, I noticed the itching became more frequent and intense. Even the therapist noticed. My mind was fighting the memories, the exhaustion was setting in, and the itching continued to worsen. At one point, feeling overwhelmed, I threw the tappers to the floor and told the therapist I was done. This was less than five minutes after we began.

The therapist was shocked by my reaction and just as confused as I was. She was young, new to EMDR, and I wasn’t an easy client. It wasn’t an ideal situation for either of us.

EMDR Session Three

By the third session, the itching had escalated. I was already breaking out in hives by the time I arrived at the session. I told my therapist that we would not be doing EMDR but instead needed to address the issue of my itching. She said she had never encountered anything like this and would need to consult with her supervisor before proceeding.

We spent the rest of the session processing and talking things through. At the end of the day, her supervisor didn’t have any answers either. My case was beyond her scope, so she referred me to someone with more experience. And that marked the end of my EMDR experience. While it works for some people, it wasn’t the right fit for me, and I decided it’s not something I will pursue or train in.

Itching

Psychogenic itching is rare and not often diagnosed. It is also poorly understood by the medical community. This type of itching is brought on by psychological distress such as anxiety, stress, depression, or OCD. The sensation of itching is triggered by mental and emotional strain, and it tends to subside once you calm down.

For me, the itching became more intense when I was under a lot of stress. There were times when I experienced hives or welps on my skin as a physical reaction to anxiety, but my hives didn’t itch. However, when I am completely overwhelmed, my whole body itches, I feel heat in my chest and face, and hives start to appear. I also experience stomach issues and sometimes even feel nauseous. My psoriasis flares up as well, and I currently have patches on my face and legs.

You Are Not Crazy

If you experience something similar, you are not crazy. You are simply going through a tough time. Remember that there are things you can do to calm yourself down and manage the symptoms:

  • Take a cool shower

  • Take a nap

  • Drink cold water

  • Eat a protein snack

  • Get some exercise

  • Stand in the sun

  • Do something relaxing

  • Take your medication as prescribed

  • Talk to your counselor, therapist, or medical professional

You are not alone, and you are not abnormal. We all face difficult situations, and while we can’t control the actions of others, we can control our own reactions. Imagine yourself with a hula hoop around you. Whatever you can fit inside the hula hoop is within your control. If something is outside of your hula hoop, walk away. It’s not your circus, and they are not your monkeys.

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Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Faith Journey

Breathing in Hope as I Navigate Rough Waters

Brandi C

Breathing in Hope as I Navigate Rough Waters

Breathing in Hope as I Navigate Rough Waters

The past few years have been filled with so many challenges that it’s difficult to even begin to describe everything I’ve been through. I was talking with my therapist recently, and she often asks me, “What would you tell your client?” For me, answering that is easy:

  • Beauty is always in the ashes.

  • You are worthy.

  • This too shall pass (like a kidney stone).

  • You are enough.

  • The trauma that you have stored in your TNT box needs to be talked about and processed in order for you to heal. Then, it will just be a crappy memory that doesn’t trigger strong emotions like depression or anxiety.

She often asks me why I don’t listen to my own advice.

Trauma

Trauma is a word I don’t use lightly. In therapy, we talk about little ‘t’ trauma and big ‘T’ trauma, but honestly, it all hurts. Without the tools to process what’s happened, you’re left struggling with depression (where you can’t control the past) or anxiety (where you can’t control the future). In either case, you can’t live fully in the present.

Today, my supervisor asked me to think about a triangle: your thoughts dictate your emotions, which in turn affect your behavior.

For me, what I’ve been through doesn’t feel like trauma. I hear trauma stories all day, and they break my heart. There are days when all I want to do is rock a client and bake them cookies, letting them know they’re seen, heard, validated, and loved. But when I told my therapist I didn’t think trauma was part of my story, she laughed at me. “These are just things that have happened,” I said. “Do I deal with them well? No.”

This Last Round of Gross

This season has tipped me to the edge of my sanity. I’ve dealt with severe depression, moderate depression, anxiety, or a combination of both, but this time it’s been mostly depression. One hit after another—some significant, some minor, and others so tiny they’re the straw that broke the camel’s back.

During this season, I’ve been quiet. I deleted my social media, removed numbers from my phone, screened calls, and withdrew into myself. I never meant to isolate, but I’m so depressed that I don’t want to “infect” anyone else with my heaviness.

Life Keeps Moving

I still do all the things—work, cook, clean, be a grandparent, manage the home, etc. It all gets done. My sister left me a voicemail recently, saying she’d been asking my mom about me and giving me space, but now enough was enough. She told me to call, text, or answer the phone at least twice a week, and that we weren’t going to talk about my hurt unless I wanted to. We were just going to touch base.

In my sadness, I didn’t even realize people noticed. My daughter made some comments about my silence, but I didn’t fully understand what she meant because I rarely go a day without talking to her. A friend at church apologized for not reaching out. I told her I was fine (lie), but she said, “I know how you get when you go quiet.”

Those Statements Made Me Realize

Though I feel alone, I’ve been reminded that there are people who love me and would listen if I called to cry or vent. I just don’t want to impose or make people feel like they have to fix what’s going on in my world. No one can fix it. What’s broken is beyond repair. But their love and support give me hope. Hope that one day, things will be okay. Hope that I am loved and not alone. I have hope that there is a tomorrow. Hope that I have people who are willing to hold me up when I can’t stand on my own.

Hope is a powerful thing. Today, I am hopeful. Yesterday, I was not, and tomorrow is still a mystery. Mentally and emotionally, I am still not okay. There’s a lot on my heart and mind. Decisions need to be made, conversations need to happen, and the things troubling me are still there.

But here I am, still breathing and holding onto hope. Understanding that trauma is different for everyone, but it does not have to dictate my life. It’s simply a crimson thread woven throughout my tapestry. We all carry some trauma, but when processed properly, it can just be a blip on the radar—not a tsunami of epic proportions.

988

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Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

The Ghost from Juneteenth Past

Brandi C

The Ghost from Juneteenth Past

The Ghost from Juneteenth Past
Photo by Vie Studio on Pexels.com

Trigger warning If you or someone you know has struggled with suicidal ideations or attempts, please refrain from reading this content. Seek help! “Today, “988” is the three-digit, nationwide phone number to connect directly to the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. By calling or texting 988, you’ll connect with mental health professionals from the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, formerly known as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Veterans can press “1” after dialing 988 to connect directly to the Veterans Crisis Lifeline, serving our nation’s Veterans, service members, National Guard, and Reserve members, and those who support them. For texts, Veterans should continue to text the Veterans Crisis Lifeline short code: 838255.”

Juneteenth

When you hear the phrase “Juneteenth,” what comes to mind? For some, it might be a day of little significance. For others, it is a deeply revered and celebrated day. According to Wikipedia, “Juneteenth, also known as Freedom Day, Jubilee Day, and Cel-Liberation Day, is an American holiday celebrated on June 19. On June 19, 1865, the Emancipation Proclamation, which had been issued on January 1, 1863, was read to enslaved African Americans in Texas by Gordon Granger.” That is a monumental moment in history! For me, I celebrate it, knowing what it means to my son, my nephews, and those I love. However, Juneteenth is also a dark day for me personally.

Loss and Grief

On June 19th, my friend passed away. LA was a firecracker. She was loud, her laugh could fill a room, and she loved her kids fiercely. LA was a fighter, loved by many, yet at times, she didn’t feel that love. She struggled with guilt and addiction. LA loved Jesus, her dad’s mini pecan pies, her children, her dogs, rabbits, and that smelly turtle in a tank. I loved her so very much.

Grief ebbs and flows. There are times when grief is so thick you can hardly breathe, and other times, you learn to live life again—until the nightmares come, rocking you to your core. Lately, I’ve had fleeting memories that make me smile, and the nightmares have mostly subsided.

The Ghost of Juneteenth

Today, as I walked into the clinic, I was greeted by the beautiful, smiling faces of people I’ve come to love. These faces are full of joy, hope, some sadness, and a lot of grit and determination. As I scanned the room, my eyes landed on a new face.

I caught myself inhaling sharply. The woman in front of me was dressed head-to-toe in hot pink—her hair, her eyes, her clothes, her voice—it was all LA. I swallowed hard and took a seat next to a familiar face while I gathered myself. I decided to take charge of the situation and avoided making eye contact for the rest of the day.

After finishing my rounds, I pulled the new person aside. We walked outside to get some fresh air. I sat mostly in silence as we spent time together, but toward the end, I felt myself choking up, overwhelmed with a sense of love and protection for her. In that moment, she hugged me so tightly, and we both began to sob. She couldn’t control her sobs, and I let mine flow too.

In That Moment

That moment brought me back to the slab where my friend lay, and I found myself wiping the dirt off her body. I was brushing and braiding her hair, speaking to her softly, telling her how worthy and loved she was. On June 19th, 2018, I was preparing her for her mother, brother, and children to see her one last time.

Today, in that room, I felt like I was hugging her again, weeping for her and with her, telling her she was worthy and loved. I longed to hold her longer, to tell her more about her children and grandchildren, but I remembered this wasn’t my LA.

The Lord has stirred up my grief, and I know I’ll need to confront this over the next month. During this time, I pray for healing—for my mind and my heart. I also pray for comfort for her children, brother, and grandchildren. I pray that I can make a difference in someone else’s life through this process.

Remembering

LA, I loved you fiercely in life, and I love you still. I’m so sorry that you felt alone and unloved in those final moments. I close my eyes, and I can still see your smile. Honestly, I can smell your hair, your fresh tattoo, and the detergent on your clothes. I can still hear the voices of your children, mom, and brother on that day. They loved you so much, and they still do. You are worthy, you are loved, and the world was better because you were in it.

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What is Reactive Attachment Disorder?

Brandi C

 What is Reactive Attachment Disorder?

What is Reactive Attachment Disorder?

What is Reactive Attachment Disorder? RAD is a condition in which individuals have difficulty forming loving, lasting relationships. Let me tell you; this is HARD. Seemingly, on the outside, things look great. However, at home, it is like living in a nightmare. Sadly, this is a nightmare you do not ever wake up from. Sometimes, it can be manageable. For instance, medication for moods and sleep can help sometimes. However, their body starts building resistance to medications, so trial and error become the norm.

Some General Traits

Often have a nearly complete lack of ability to be genuinely affectionate with others.

Typically fail to develop a conscience and do not seem to trust.

Do not allow people to be in control of them due to this trust issue.

They can be surface compliant for weeks if no loving relationship is involved.

However, with strangers, they can be incredibly charming and appear loving.

Uneducated adults misinterpret this as the child trusting or caring for them. If they cannot trust and love their own family that loves them, they will not trust and love a casual acquaintance.

They do not think and feel like an average person.

Some famous people with RAD

Hitler

Saddam Hussein

Edgar Allen Poe

Jeffrey Dahmer

Ted Bundy

Helen Keller

Isolated type, Predominant feeling is Sad.

1. no friends

2. no touch

3. verbally compliant, actually defiant

Evasive type, Predominant feeling is Fear.

1. clingy

2. fake

3. charming

4. chatter

5. chameleon

Defiant type, Predominant feeling is Rage.

1. cruel

2. charming

3. self-absorbed

4. destructive

Bizarre type

1. act crazy

2. constant noise

Causes

Any of the following conditions occurring to a child under 36 months of age puts a child at high risk for developing RAD:

~Maternal ambivalence toward pregnancy

~In-utero trauma, drugs, alcohol exposure

~ Abuse

~Neglect

~Sudden separation from the primary caregiver

~Undiagnosed or painful illness such as colic or ear infections

~Inconsistent or inadequate daycare

~Chronic maternal depression

~Several moves and/or placements

~Unprepared mothers with poor parenting skills

Attachment Disorder Symptoms in Children

Superficially engaging & charming

Lack of eye contact on parents’ terms

Indiscriminately affectionate with strangers

Not affectionate on parents’ terms

Destructive to self, others, and material things (accident prone)

Cruelty to animals

Lying about the obvious (crazy lying), Confabulation

Stealing

No impulse controls

Learning Lags

Lack of cause and effect thinking

More Issues

Lack of conscience

Abnormal eating patterns

Poor peer relationships

Preoccupation with fire

Preoccupation with blood & gore

Persistent nonsense questions & chatter

Inappropriately demanding & clingy

Abnormal speech patterns

Triangulation of adults

False allegations of Abuse

Presumptive entitlement issues

Parents appear hostile and angry

Attachment Disorder Symptoms in Infants

~Does not use crying appropriately to get someone to address needs

~Often does not settle when Mom meets needs

~Overreacts or often startles to touch, sound, and/or light

~Listlessness with no medical reason

~Limited holding onto or reaching for a caregiver

~Lack of appropriate stranger anxiety between 6 and 9 months of age

~Shows minimal interest in interacting with people

~Does not smile back or respond with activity to smites or baby talk

~Often does not follow human movement with their eyes

~Avoids eye contact

~ self-abusive behavior

~Is resistant to cuddling

Great Quotes

“When your brain works right, so can you. When your brain doesn’t work right, neither can you.” Daniel Amen, M.D.

“Experience changes the brain,” Bruce Perry, M.D,

“Attachment is at the heart of all human endeavors.” Bruce Perry, M.D.

“Traditional therapy is useless for severely traumatized people, but especially children because it does not reach the parts of the brain that were most impacted by trauma.” Bessel van der Kolk. M.D.

Complex (reactionary mind/brain stem) Survival mode

Fight – Defensive, and tantrums, argues, negative.

Flight – Runs away, hypervigilant, stress-filled, anxious

Freeze- Shuts down emotions, shuts down learning, disassociates

Talking:

Talking is the first area in which a child must gain self-control to begin healing.

Lies

Dumb questions

Unclear Speech

Jabbering

Swearing

Not answering

Why?

Arguing

I don’t know

Not accepting responsibility

Interrupting

Whining

Consequences vs. Punishment

Punishment turns thoughts to the outside of the child.

Consequences turn their thoughts inside.

Dramatic Displays:

Children must be kept close until they no longer need an audience to manipulate.

Flipping the bird

Overdramatic

Pity Parties

Fit Throwing

Aggression

Eye Rolling

Excretions:

The child must be 100% responsible for cleaning up their excretions after age five.

Urine

Feces

Flatulence

Vomit

Nasal Discharge

Spitting

Food Issues:

On the one hand, you can’t make them eat it. On the other hand, you can’t make them stop eating either. Sadly, they have to learn to control themselves. A parent’s obligation as the nurturer is to provide nutritious meals three times a day.

Hiding food

Eating too much

Not eating

Picky eating

Eating rudely

Eating weird things

Friends and Family:

Relationships must begin between the mother and child. Second, generalize to the father. Third, to the family. Fourth, to the community. Lastly, to the world.

Peer relationships

Siblings rights

Abusing other kids

Setting up

Tattling

Pets

Prescribing the Problem:

When it’s not harmful to the child, pick your battles. For instance, one avenue of intervention is prescribing the problem.

Chewing clothes

Chewing hands

Thumb sucking

Biting nails, lips, toes

Cracking knuckles

Picking boogers

Picking scabs

Masturbating

Crying wolf

Refusing medication

Nutrition

Allergies

Bedtime Issues:

Children must sleep 10 to 12 hours a night with no light in the room. On the other hand, adults need to sleep 8 hours a night with no light on in the room.

Setting alarm off

Not going to bed

Noise at night

Getting them up in the am and dressed

Restitution /Respite/Responsibility

~Restitution for stolen or intentionally stolen items should be double the item’s replacement value.

~It is the child’s responsibility to fill in the hole they dig with their inappropriate behaviors. The way they fill it in is by paying back with their time, their talent, or their energy.

~Stealing

~Running away

~Knives/weapons

~Destroying property

~Sabotaging fun

~Hygiene

From Others Toward Parents:

~Sometimes, we have to say No

~No, I won’t put my child in harm’s way by giving them freedoms they can’t handle.

~Parenting too tough, Nazis

~Not strict enough

~Munchhausen, Histrionic, Borderline, etc.

~Bad parent

~ Don’t like/love child

~Scape-goating child

~Try harder

~ love him more

Support Ideas

Realize this is a very painful situation. If you are on the Mom’s side, you are on the child’s side. Sadly, if you take the child’s side against the Mom, they both lose.

Equally important, listen with open ears and hearts. For instance, you should not judge or be critical. Again, condemning, criticizing, or blaming Does Not Help to Lift the burden, don’t load it down.

Make short, loving phone calls (occasionally) to listen and encourage, not to advise, gather information, or “check on them”- Tell her she can chat whenever she needs an ear.

Finally, do Not give unasked-for advice.

Take all information as confidential.

It is beneficial to educate yourself about Attachment Disorder.

**** Do not say, ‘Let me know if I can help.’ Do something to help.****

Practical Ideas

1. Take her to lunch or dinner.

2. Rent a funny movie and share it.

3. Send her flowers, chocolate, or cards with love and a smile.

4. Bring her some dinner or baked goods,

5. Hugs are always heading. Moms need 12 a day minimum.

6. Pray for them.

More Ideas

Run errands to help lessen the load,

Take the kids somewhere for the afternoon. Be sure she knows it’s because she deserves a break and not because she can’t handle it.

Consider giving her a gift certificate for a massage, manicure, or hair salon.

Give her Mozart’s music or some other calming or uplifting tunes.

Give her a good book.

Buy her bubble bath and watch the kids for an hour or so while she soaks to music.

Remind her of her special traits and talents.

Tell the child often, in front of her, how lucky they are to have a mom like this.

Never show up without calling to check for an appropriate time to visit.

Never tell her to “Just love the child more.” If you already have, beg forgiveness for not understanding.

 

 

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

The Reality of my Nightmare

Brandi C

The Reality of my Nightmare

In The Reality of my Nightmare, my guest blogger writes about her interpretation of the trials that surrounded her. She writes it as if she were me. I read it the morning of my friend’s funeral. She is pretty spot on in all that she said.

The Reality of my Nightmare

Writing this seems like a nightmare

I am waiting to wake up from this nightmare because of how real it feels. But when I open my eyes, it will all go away. No. This nightmare is real. I can’t believe this is happening to me. Why? Why me? What did I do wrong to cause these people to knock on my door? Who has been watching me and observing my every movement? 

I am afraid

Afraid to raise my voice even the slightest bit because someone might be watching. Also, I am scared to take my child to the other room for fear that someone might think I will punish them. Afraid to go out in public with my child for fear that someone will judge me the wrong way and call them again. Why me? 

Raising Kids

Raising kids is hard, especially 7 of them. They are all so different in so many ways. Yet, I would not change a single hair on their head because I love them so much. I love my kids with every fiber of my being. I would gladly take any strife or burdens off their shoulders. I will put them on my own if it helps them and their future. 

My kids are special.

Some have mentally challenging issues. Then, others have some physical problems that need my constant attention. Being a mom is hard. It is tiring even. Yet, I am glad God chose these beautiful children to be mine. 

I love fiercely and will do anything in my power to protect them from the world and its temptations. Sometimes, I help others before I think about myself and my needs. I have run ragged, going in different directions to help those in need as God calls me to do. Honestly, I try to open myself up to other moms in various clubs and organizations my kids participate. I try to help them and converse with them when they need a friend or a shoulder to cry on. 

But You

You took care of my child when he played sports on your team. He became best friends with your kids. I thought you loved him like one of your own. He stayed at your house and slept over so many nights. Every time, he had a blast when he came home beaming from ear to ear. He would tell me all about how fun it is at your house. 

Invitation then Betrayal

I invited you into my home, which we manage to keep clean amongst the chaos of having multiple children and animals in the house. And yet, you betrayed my trust by calling them. Why? Why me? 

You know my child is well-fed. We give him clothes and things to toys. Furthermore, we keep him involved in sports. Importantly, we teach him the love of Jesus in everything we do. We fight for him daily because he is different. And that’s okay because I love him so much.

How Would You Feel

You are a mother with kids of your own. How would you feel if someone called them? They showed up at your doorstep asking to be invited in. Then ask you probing questions about your home and relationships with your kids? And what if you found out that it was a supposed “friend” who called them on you. 

How would you feel? 

Betrayed? 

Confused? 

I should hope so. 

That is how I felt. 

Terrifying Agony

The terrifying agony that my kids could be ripped away from me with no warning. Sadly, the wailing and uncontrollable sobbing happened in my car when I got the call. My heart can’t take it anymore. I am so tired of having to justify myself to these people. Justify every action that I do and every word that comes out of my mouth. 

How would you feel? 

Would you demand an explanation from your “friend” and say some nasty things to them in retaliation? Would you constantly look over your shoulder to make sure no one was watching you if you ever had to punish your child in public? Or are you one of those parents letting their children run amuck and do whatever they want? 

Either way, I want you to know that it is understandable if you did not know the family or had never been in their home and seen how the family operates. It would be understandable if you didn’t know my son or me. 

But you did know us. 

I was at every game. I talked to you all the time. And yet, you still called. I could trust you. You have betrayed my trust. But I choose to let God be in control of my situation. I prefer to let God judge your actions when you get to Heaven instead of judging you, which I am not called to do. 

Honestly, I choose to love like Jesus with skin on and be the city on a hill for you. I prefer to let God listen to my sorrowful prayers and collect my tears in a jar. Furthermore, I choose to let God pick me up and comfort me because he knows I am the mom He called me to be. I am not perfect. But God does not call us to be perfect. He calls us to be his disciples and to love our neighbor in his word. 

My house may be messy sometimes, and my kids may drive me crazy most days, but in what reality is home always tidy and the kids always clean and well-behaved? I would love to meet those people and that family. 

Haven’t you ever made a mistake as a parent? 

Because if you say no, that is a bold-faced lie. We fail daily at things. The key is learning from those mistakes, moving on, and leaving the past behind us. Those failures are also successes. I have put several of my kids through a full education (and I have homeschooled them for many years as well). Two of them graduated with honors, which is a huge accomplishment.

Mama Pride

One of my kids is married with a baby on the way. I could not be happier for my sweet child. My smallest child is excelling at what doctors told us would be impossible. Yet, with me by his side, he has survived those odds. 

The moments of pride I feel for the children I raised surpass the moments of sadness I think when things like this happen. I choose to find the beauty in the ashes. I will stand tall and not be shaken by people’s opinions of my family and me.

My Choices

So I will also choose to continue to stand by my children and attend every activity, club, and sporting event they are in. And if you other moms judge me or whisper tall tales about me that are not even true, I will smile and turn the other cheek as God has called me to, even if it is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Cruelty of Others

People can be so cruel nowadays, and they always look at the plank in someone else’s eye rather than focusing on the speck of dirt in their eye. Words can slice through a person and bring them down when we should be standing together as moms and supporting one another rather than bringing them down and jumping to conclusions by calling the organization before they have the facts straight. 

No, we moms are not perfect. But we are doing the best we can with the circumstances we are currently in and the children with whom the Lord has blessed us. I will continue to be the city on a hill and shine my light bright for my kids and you. 

And I know deep down in my heart that God will be pleased with my strength and integrity, and when I get to Heaven, He will say, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” I can not wait for that day to come. 

In the meantime

I will continue to be the most fantastic mom to my kids and a faithful spouse to my husband. I am showing them the light of God. Continuing to shield them from the world will be a lifelong journey, but I would not change one thing about it, not for you or any other mom who says a spiteful word towards me. 

I will pray for you even though it is painful. Because in my darkest moments, I cling to Jesus the most, and when my faith is tested, I come out stronger than ever because my Redeemer is with me. No more hiding. No more fear. I will not be afraid. 

 

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

What Fireworks Means to a School Shooting Survivor

Brandi C

What Fireworks Means to a School Shooting Survivor

What Fireworks Means to a School Shooting Survivor

I despise fireworks. Some of them are so pretty, but the sound triggers me. I can feel it in my chest whenever a firework goes off. The breath gets knocked out of me, and I freeze. At that moment, I am transported back to school. I am back in the classroom with my teachers and fellow student.

At that second, I could see the fear in my teacher’s eyes as he looked down the hallway at the commotion. “Run,” He says with complete fear in his eyes. The look in his eyes will forever be etched into my brain. Confused, I run down the hallway watching as a freshman falls and slides into a locker. I can’t bring myself to stop and check on her, and I’m pretty sure that makes me a bad person. I’m doing what my teacher said. I am running, from what I don’t know.

 

As I Get Outside

 

As I get outside, I stop running. I assume that it was a fire and that I am safe outside. The fire can’t get me here. “Someone brought a gun to school.” A stranger says behind me. At that point, I couldn’t think. I take off sprinting. I almost got hit by a car. It was centimeters away from hitting me. I can hear the teacher yelling at the students to get into a classroom in the tech building because it’s safe and I sprint into the building.

 

I almost enter the first room as soon as you walk in the door, but I decide that that classroom would be the first to get shot if the shooter comes up here. Then, I run a few classrooms away, sit against the wall, and wait for any information. Students and teachers start piling in. I look around and realize I can’t trust anyone. At this point, no one knows who the shooter is. Finally, the teachers shut and locked the door.

 

Calling my Brother

 

The first person I can get a hold of is my brother. He tells me that there’s been a school shooting and someone has died. My heart sinks, and all I can think about are my friends. Fear courses through my veins as I struggle to get a hold of them. Luckily, they’re all okay. I go on Twitter and desperately try to find some information. Someone sitting close to me tells me who the shooter is. I am completely shocked and In denial. I’ve known this kid since seventh grade. There’s no way he did this. I was wrong. He did do it.

 

We are sitting and waiting to be told what to do next when a student starts banging on the door. He was banging on the door hard and asking to be let it. Fear overcomes my body. I remember begging God that they wouldn’t open that door. Luckily, they didn’t. We sat there until like 9:30, and then we were told we must get on a bus.

 

SWAT

 

They let us out of the room, but we all must go in a single file line. Teachers and Swat line the walls and make a pathway to the buses. The look in the eyes of the swat member will be in my head forever. We get on the bus, and we sit there forever. I remember looking out the bus window and seeing a news helicopter flying over us and I remember being angry that they were already swarming. I mean, people just died to show some respect. It was insensitive.

 

Transporting Us

 

At around Eleven, they gave us a police escort to the nearest middle school. We took the back roads there. They piled us all into the gym and waited for our names to be called so we could leave with our parents. I remember getting home at noon, and my family had the news on the television. Sadly, I hear them reporting things that didn’t happen, so I go to my room. I couldn’t sleep that night. My adrenaline was pumping. My friends can’t sleep either. We all stay up and talk.

 

Going Back to School

 

I was battling anorexia at the time, so I didn’t eat anyways, but at this time, I go the longest I ever have without eating. Daily, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. I was terrified. Going back to school was horrible. We went back on a Friday. We all met in the gym. Going to the gym was for a moment of silence, prayer, and hearing about all the available resources. The school was never the same. We jumped at every dropped book and we were constantly looking over our shoulders. Also, we were all wary of strangers. We enjoyed the service dogs that came to the school. That was the best part. We played card games to pass the time.

 

Fear

 

I always told myself that If something like that happened to me, I would never go back to school, and I finished my year out there and then became homeschooled. Honestly, I couldn’t bring myself to sit down in that school and worry about who was walking through the door. I couldn’t sit there and continue to jump at every dropped book. I’ve only been to the school twice since then, and I still struggle with going there.

 

I kept in contact with the teachers I was in the classroom with that day. You will hardly ever catch me in sandals in public because they aren’t good running shoes. Every year, I plug in my headphone and blare my music, so I don’t hear the fireworks. I can hear gunshots and shoot guns (I’m a pretty good shot), but there’s something about fireworks that I can’t handle. I wish people would be more considerate of people like me every year.

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Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

LA Came in Like a Tornado

Brandi C

LA Came in Like a Tornado

Leigh Ann Came in Like a Tornado

Ten years ago, I met a brassy blond girl at a ballpark. She had a crass mouth and a nasty smoking habit. She was loud and obnoxious. A person people moved away from when they saw her. She did not dress the part, talk the part, and certainly did not behave the part of what society deems “normal.” 

Yet, I was drawn to her. I saw myself in her—the girl that no one wanted to be friends with, the outcast. I have a deep love for those who seem unlovable. I see through the facade of what someone presents. I see their heart—that deep desire to fit in, yet the complete inability to do so.

Seeing a Bit of Jesus in Her

In my mind, I can close my eyes and see all the bright dots of Jesus throughout her. I just knew when those dots connected; she would be an unstoppable force of nature for the Kingdom.

I fell in love with this girl, her children, her brother, and her parents. We were a tight-knit group of misfits. I was blessed to be able to lead her to Christ one spring day. After she accepted Christ, I gave her a hot pink Bible. It was her favorite color. She loved Jesus with all her heart.

Mental Illness

She also struggled with mental illness. Despite her love for Jesus, she had good days and bad days. What bonded us was that I, too, suffer from mental illness. I have clinical depression. She had onset bipolar disorder. 

One thing I want you all to hear is that you can still love Jesus without abandon and still struggle with different types of mental illness. That does not mean you love Him less than someone who does not struggle.

How Did She Change My World?

She taught me how to accept those who were not “normal.” Also, she taught me to walk towards the waves instead of away from them. Live life without fear of abandonment and to hell what people thought of you.

Did I change her world? I hope I did. She made me a better person, and I hope I had some effect on her. Her mom always said that I did. I sure do love her children and now grandchildren. We were good for each other, for the most part.

Does it Change the World to Stand in the Gap?

Yes, it does the world when you brush and braid a friend’s hair for the last time? Also, when you begin painting her nails and toenails her favorite color? Does it change the world to wipe the ants off of her body while you are bathing her? What about closing her eyes for the last time?

Yes, it does change the world. It changed for LA’s children, her mother, and her brother. It also changed me and it showed me what the phrase “be Jesus with skin on” really means. Sacrificial love and service for her and her family.

LA, you are loved, thought of, and missed daily.

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Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Lockup: Extended Stay

Brandi C

Lockup: Extended Stay

Lockup: Extended Stay

In Lockup: Extended Stay, I just completed a four-day stay in the hospital because of my mental health. I am not ashamed to say that’s why I was in the hospital. I needed help, and I can admit that now.

Things have been bad for me for basically a month, and I had nothing left to give. It started with me realizing that even though I had forgiven myself for my brother’s death, it didn’t make it any less painful than I was expecting. I thought that if I had forgiven myself, the hole in my heart wouldn’t feel as big.

Trauma Relived

On top of that, I have started remembering things from ten years ago, which just hasn’t worked out in my favor. I also had anxiety about what to do with the information I remembered. Do I report this even if it may ruin my family?

Do I report it even if I will have no biological family afterward? The decision was made for me. Now I’m dealing with the anxiety of waiting to hear from the police. Every time the phone rings, it’s like my world stops. I start shaking, and I get nauseous. I hate this feeling.

First Few Nights

My first few nights at the hospital were very lonely. I didn’t even start to make friends until the night before I left. Even though, I only knew those people for a short time, but they made a massive impact on me. I can’t help but think about where they are in the world.

Did Katie and Michaela get out today? What about Jamie’s mom? Did she ever pick him up from the hotel room? The other Katie, did she get the Job she interviewed for right after she got out? Did the girl with super long hair throw a chair through the window? Where are they now? Are they doing okay?

Dawn, the Night Nurse

My night nurse made the most significant impact on me. Dawn deserves a raise because she doesn’t make enough money for what she does. From the moment I met her, she was nothing but caring. The nurse answered any question I had. She got me food from the fridge when I was too anxious to do it myself. She treated me like I was her child.

On my last night there, she shared something with me that she had never shared with anyone. I won’t say what it was because that’s not my story to share, but it made me believe that I could talk to the police. I am strong enough to get through this.

Home Now

Now that I’m out, I feel like there’s this pressure that I have to be good now. Like I feel like I can’t be anxious or depressed. Don’t get me wrong, I am the best I have ever been, but it’s still not great if that makes sense. The bar was literally on the floor before now. I now appreciate the people around me a little more.

Looking back, I know I wouldn’t have made it through the past month without them. That’s not something I’ve been shy about, either. I’m so grateful to Bart (you guys may know him as “Big Daddy”) and Brandi. They have completely changed my life. I love them wholeheartedly, and I could never thank them enough for what they’ve done for me.

Guest Blogger

This was written by one of my favorite people. She is so precious to my soul. I am so encouraged by the strength it took for her to admit that something was not quite right. There have been so many days and nights that I have seen her struggle to maintain. The dam broke. Without the help of her medical provider, his nurse, and my son, she would have never had the strength to stand up for herself. She would have never sought the help that she needed.

Since doing that, it was discovered that she has Serotonin Syndrome. Many symptoms range from excessive sweating to goosebumps. All of this is caused by an accumulation of serotonin. Antidepressants cause some your body produces and some.

Thankfully, she is on the proper medication. She was on too many SSRIs and has completely leveled out. There is no shame in getting help. Had she not gotten the help she needed, she would have never discovered the meds to help her were hurting her.

 

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Open Letter to A Brother Who Left This World Too Soon

Brandi C

Open Letter to A Brother Who Left This World Too Soon

In this Open Letter to A Brother Who Left This World Too Soon, my guest blogger remembers her brother, who died of cancer six years ago. What a thing for a family to go through. The loss of a child, grandchild, brother, and friend. He was a few days shy of turning 19 when he met Jesus.

Lord, bless this family. Bless them with peace and sweet memories as they navigate this difficult week as they remember this sweet boy. Please give them the knowledge that he is healthy and happy and hanging out with your Son, Jesus. He is waiting for them to all be reunited one day.

Open Letter to A Brother Who Left This World Too Soon

 

Dear Z,

It has almost been six years without you, and I don’t feel it has gotten any easier. This wound is taking forever to heal. I miss you so much, and naturally, I wish you were here with me. This is my least favorite time of year. I know you are watching over me and taking care of me. 

I Wish You Could Answer Me

I’d give anything to have one final conversation with you or give you one last hug. If I could go back and change things, I would. I would have stayed by your side through it all. I think about that all the time. Does it make me a bad sister for leaving you there? I could have taken whatever our stepfather threw at me to stay with you.

Missing All The Things

My mom told me a few years ago that you asked for me every day. You asked when I was coming back from dad’s. You know I like to take care of people. I took care of you for the longest time. Honestly, I miss waking up at 3 in the morning to refill your feeding pump. I miss helping you walk around, even though you protested the entire time. For six years, I have been waiting for you to appear in front of me. To give me a chance to tell you my final goodbye. To tell you I loved you just one more time. 

It Hasn’t Happened, so I’ll Keep Waiting.

I think I can finally start to let go of the regret I’ve had for the past six years. It’s time. You know I love you more than words could ever describe. I know your biggest fear of death was being forgotten, but you are unforgettable. You made an impact on everyone’s life. I will never forget you or the things you did for me. 

You were one of my best friends. I promise you my kids will know what a fantastic man you were. They will know how strong you were and how hard you fought. They will know that you are my hero, and I aspire to be as strong and brave as you were. 

After Six Years, I Can Let You Go and Let You Rest in Peace

That doesn’t mean I will forget about you. It means I don’t have to worry about you hating me for leaving. I know you loved me as much as I loved you. I know you weren’t upset about us leaving Mom. I’m just upset she wouldn’t let you stay with us. 

I am letting go of my regret because it wasn’t my fault you got sick. Honestly, I was a child, and I know it wasn’t my responsibility to take care of you. I am moving on and trying to start the new year off right. Thankfully, I know you will be with me and watching over me every step.

Love,

S

 

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Healing Through Anger

Brandi C

Healing Through Anger

 

Healing Through Anger

In this piece, my guest blogger talks about how she is healing through anger. Anger is a valid emotion, as Jesus was angry when He turned over the tables in the temple. Anger is secondary to fear and/or sadness. In this piece, you can see her fear. Also, you can feel her sadness. Please pray for this young girl as you think of it.

I Am So Angry With You

I have said it a million times, but I am so angry with you. If I were in the business of hating people, you would be first on my list. The thought of you makes my blood pressure skyrocket. Why couldn’t you be a normal stepfather? Seriously, why did you have to abuse me? Why me? I was a child. What kind of man likes children? 

I wish my mom would have never met you. Honestly, I wish I did not blame myself for what you did. I know I was young, and it was not my fault. It’s yours. You are the one who abused me, not the other way around.

Tell the Truth

I have had a few opportunities to tell you the truth, to say whatever I wanted to you, but I did not. Part of me wishes I would not have been such a coward. I want you to know how much you hurt me. The other part of me knows that what I said would not matter; you would not care. You would enjoy the attention; you always like all the attention on you.

What I Want to SCREAM

I want to scream at you and tell you that you hurt me. Also, I want to tell you that you traumatized me. I want to tell you how I cannot even change clothes in the comfort of my own home without feeling uncomfortable or like I am being watched. To yell that you took my childhood and my innocence away from me. That is something I will never get back. I cannot go back and act like a child again. Not all of that is your fault, but a big piece of it is.

I am never a violent person, but I would like to punch you in the face after a few good times. I bet that would help me release some of my anger. That sure would make me feel better. I do not understand how you can have four types of cancers and still be alive. I guess that is just how my life goes.

Papa T is Crossing the Line

I heard a phrase today that I had not heard in a long time. A phrase that makes me nauseous. “Daddy T,” I never understood why you made us call you that. Mom does not understand why that name makes me uncomfortable; honestly, I don’t completely understand it myself. All I know is the name makes me physically sick. My sister told me today that you want her daughter to call you “Papa T,” It incited some rage in me. 

Yet, That Baby is Safe From You

Luckily that baby lives far away now, so you cannot get your hands on her. I could promise you that you would never meet her if she were still around. I would go to jail before that happened, and I would be okay with it. You will never get the satisfaction of her calling you “papa T,” which I feel is WAY too close to “Daddy T.” 

You will never get the satisfaction of taking that baby’s innocence away from her, which brings me just a little bit of you. Your abuse ended with me, and I will do everything I can to ensure it goes no further.

Working on Forgiveness

I know it does not sound like it, but I am trying to forgive you. It is just a slow process. The thing is, I am not forgiving you for you. I am doing this for me. To heal. I am doing it to put you in the past and finally move on. To better myself and be the best person I can be. I know, in the end, you will get what you deserve, and I will not even have to lift a finger.

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Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Three Words I Can Say Could Make You Hate Me

Brandi C

Three Words I Can Say Could Make You Hate Me

Guest Blogger

In this piece, Three Words I Can Say Could Make You Hate Me, my guest blogger begins to outline her life when she was younger. She has a powerful voice yet is still too scared to let it out loudly. Time and Jesus will cure that. I’m so proud of her and all she has been doing to heal.

A Born Fixer

Ever since I was a little girl, all I wanted to do was please and helped you. All I have done my whole life is what you need. You needed someone to bathe a kid. I did it. You needed someone to help feed a kid. I did it. You needed someone to complain to, and that was me. 

I grew up listening to everything wrong in your life, your husband or ex-husband’s drama, your “my kids hate me,” my kids are terrible, and my kids don’t love me. Did you forget I was your kid too? Or am I just an ear to listen and a body to help work? You’ve groomed me well for the job I would like to have one day. If anything, I am a listener and want to help others to the best of my ability. So at least there is a positive within all the negativity. I have listened to and experienced this during my life.

This Thing Called Life

My life has been a series of what mom needs me to do next? What does my youngest brother need? Or even what can I help another brother with that day? He may have had most of your attention growing up, but that also meant that he got the attention of the men in your life. So many negative things were going on in his life as well. As much as I don’t like him, I do love him, so I didn’t want to see him so upset. 

You have complained to me so many times about so many different things that it makes me scared to share anything good or bad with you because I am afraid it will upset you. If I tell you some things, you’ll stop caring, stop loving me. Instead, I would bottle up or ignore it because I know you wouldn’t approve of or hurt your feelings.

What About Me and My Feelings

Like sometimes, I want to point out that I have feelings, too, and I’m tired of having only one-way conversations about you and your kids like I’m not one of them. I know you don’t mean anything by it towards me, but it still hurts me. Especially when you say we are all unmotivated kids, that’s don’t care about you. Maybe not in that order, but they have both been said. I am motivated. I work. I’m trying to move out. I do love you. Stop putting us all together like we are all the same. 

One day I would like to have a conversation with you about my life and the things I am learning about myself. Like I remembered what it was like to be motivated to finish something. Sure, it’s just a sweater, but that is an accomplishment to me. To be able to wear something that I made. Just because it’s not interesting to you doesn’t mean it’s not essential.

My Dreams

The same with schooling; just because it’s not what you want me to do doesn’t mean that it’s not something I can do. I want to work in the psychology field with kids. But that’s not good enough for you. You want me to be able to support myself, and I get that, but why can’t you help me in my decision on what I want to do? It just might take me a while to get there.

The Truth About My Engagement

I would love to sit down and talk with you about why I truly didn’t get married. How it was a lie, to begin with, sure it wasn’t intentional, but a lie nonetheless. I want to tell you that I have recently learned that I am not interested in men but more confused than anything. I’d like to have your support while I try to figure everything out all the way. But you’d disown me for that thought or try to shame me out of it. 

I have listened to everything you have had to say about everything and everyone. I have supported you through good and bad decisions. In short, I have loved you and accepted you as you are. But you would not do the same for me, I am sure. You would hear the words, and then you’d be done. Done with me and done with everything else because without me, who will you talk to?

Three Words I Can Say Could Make You Hate Me

Without me, who will help you when you’re down? Without me, who will help pick up the pieces left and glue them back together when anger or sadness strikes?

I love you, and I worry about you more than anything or anyone else. So me keeping this one thing from you. Keeping it under lock and key may hurt me, but at least I know you’ll be okay. Cause I’ll still help you. The sad thing is there’s nothing you can do to make me stop loving you, but just three could make you hate me.

Thankful

Today, I am thankful for the bravery of this young lady. She certainly has powerful emotion behind her words. Also, she is using them to help her sort through the muddy water. She is loved and a treasure. May she be blessed in her courage and continue to speak for those who do not have a voice.

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Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Ending the Stigma of Mental Illness

Brandi C

Ending the Stigma of Mental Illness

Ending the Stigma of Mental Illness

In Ending the Stigma of Mental Illness, my guest blogger shares her thoughts on this subject. I have a mental disorder that can be crippling at times. When I say crippling, I mean I cannot get myself out of bed. I have thoughts on a continuous loop that should not be there: those days when I don’t call or text. Or even speak to people. Hell, I don’t even come out of my room. When I say I can’t get myself out of bed, I mean, I literally will stay in it for days. I will only leave to go to the bathroom or to eat.

The “Happy” Place

There are also days when I am “happy”; these are the days when I can get myself into trouble. When I talk ninety to nothing and spend all of my money in one place, I could get in the car and drive in one direction, not knowing where I am going, but going anywhere is better than where I am. These are the days when I bombard all my friends that I haven’t talked to in days that I want to do something. On these days, I don’t sleep, I could be up for days at a time, and it wouldn’t bother me. I make poor choices when I am like this.

This is Bipolar Disorder in a Nutshell, at Least in my Case.

I am tired of the stigma on mental illness or mental health. Everyone can tell if you have asthma by the physical complications you have. However, when it comes to mental illnesses, we dare not speak of them. They don’t exist for people who don’t have them or perceive them as unfavorable.

You don’t see people not talking to people with asthma, so why shouldn’t they for people with mental illness. Honestly, I should feel free to share that I have bipolar disorder without having people think that it means I’m crazy. Furthermore, I shouldn’t have to own that lie, but here I am, pretending it doesn’t exist or calling myself crazy.

I am Tired of Comparing Myself to “Normal” People

What does that mean anyway? To be “normal.” The definition of normal is conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected. So I see that everyone should be the same, act the same, and do the same things the same way? Maybe I’m looking at it negatively, but it sounds like normal people are nowhere to be seen. Because no one is the same, no one is conformed to the same standards.

So why do we make ourselves feel less than just because of a mental illness? Bipolar disorder is my regular just because it isn’t yours doesn’t mean that you have the right to tell me that I am wrong, not to be trusted, or dangerous because of it.

Thankful

Today, I am thankful for modern medicine. It has helped me look at life a bit more clearly. God is more significant than all, but He created man to create a treatment to help. Never feel weak because you need medication to help you even things out. You are not weak! Honestly, you are brave and strong.

 

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

From the Outside Looking

Brandi C

From the Outside Looking

From the Outside Looking

From the Outside Looking In {my family}

We were a happy family

{We} went to church

We spent time with other people

{We} went places together

But what you don’t see

Is the mother that can’t get out of bed

Or the stepfather that won’t help feed the kids

And the nine-year-old raising her younger brothers.

All that is seen is what they want you to see

Happy, healthy children

Children that spend time with other kids

And parents that provide the best they can

Truly my parents did try the best they could

But sometimes that’s not enough

Sometimes the best is not good or bad just an effort

On the days that everyone was happy

Everything was fine

But those days when the yelling was too hard to bear

Or the throwing of things was upsetting to hear

Those are the days that stick with children

Having a stepfather that could care less

Or can’t stand to look at you because you’re not his

Or maybe because of jealousy of the bond a mother has with her kids

That is hard

And then there are the days

When your mother can’t get out of bed

Because she has massive depression

Not that you understand because yet again you are nine

Those days are the days that are the hardest

Because you’re alone in the house

And in charge of the kids

Who are five and one

Don’t get me wrong I love those kids

And I would do anything for them still

But there is so much one child can do

And some things are just too much responsibility

And even though no one knew what was going on

Or maybe no one was observant enough to see

Either way, I choose to believe that it all happened for a reason

And I would still choose to help even though it took away my childhood

At least they got to keep theirs