Tag: Faith

End the Stigma, Faith Journey, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

When the Silence is Deafening

Brandi C

When the Silence is Deafening

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When silence becomes deafening, emotions can shift from moment to moment. Some days, it feels like they change by the minute. Lately, the silence has been so loud that I can’t hear myself think. It’s like when my aunt can’t smell anything because the noise around her is too overwhelming—strange, isn’t it? Even as I write this, I’m reflecting on how I got here.

On Juneteenth, my friend took her last breath here on earth. In July, my sweet granny passed away. Then, one year to the date after my granny’s death, my father-in-law died. My Lady’s birthday falls in July, but her death anniversary is on October 1st. A friend celebrated her birthday on October 6th, but she passed away on October 15th a few years ago. Although these deaths happened years ago, they feel like they just occurred yesterday.

In a crisis, I tend to be focused—quiet, but focused. I do what needs to be done, helping where I can. But it’s during the stillness of the night, when I’m not juggling multiple tasks, that everything shifts. It’s when I allow myself to be still that the grief and pain I’ve buried deep inside begin to surface.

I don’t like the silence.

It’s in that silence when I realize how much hurt and grief I’ve been holding in. My greatest fear is that if I stop, if I let myself feel, I’ll start crying and never stop. It’s difficult for me to reach out and be vulnerable, to cry in front of someone. I fear judgment, explaining myself, or making the pain I’ve held in feel too real once I speak it aloud.

Not long ago, I reached out to a friend. It felt strange. I had been alone that night, crying for hours. Then, I stopped and dialed her number. She’s the one person who rarely answers because she’s a busy mom with her own life, so I assumed she wouldn’t answer.

She answered.

No words came out of my mouth. All I did was cry. She listened and she didn’t ask questions or offer “it’ll be okay” statements. Honestly, she just listened to me cry. Afterward, I managed to say the many things that had been plaguing my heart. I didn’t want her to fix anything; I knew she couldn’t. All I needed was for her to listen and love me, without any judgment or unsolicited advice.

October 1st was another difficult day. I made it to work for about two hours before I couldn’t go any further. I left, called my mom, and pretended everything was fine, but she knew. She always knows. I kept the conversation together and then came home and slept.

Off to the Hills

I spent the rest of the day crying off and on, then called my mom again, asking if I could come over. She was busy but said she’d be home soon and I could come over then. I got in the car, feeling like I couldn’t breathe or hold it together. I told my husband I was leaving, not knowing when or if I’d be back that night.

It was a beautiful evening, so I rolled the windows down and drove. In the past, when we lived in our old house, I would go on drives like this to clear my head. There was no pressure to be a wife or a mom. I’d drive for hours, seeing new places, exploring new roads. Sometimes, a kid would join me, and we’d go on adventures. Once, I ended up in Dukedom, TN.

Visiting Granny

On that particular night, I drove on unfamiliar roads and ended up near Lovelaceville—close to my granny’s house. I took the “old way” and passed by the new houses. The familiar music stirred my emotions, and I cried even harder. Memories flooded back of driving down that road with her. My mind was a mess, and my body couldn’t hold back the tears.

I ended up at the cemetery where my granny, grandfather, uncle, aunt, and cousin are buried. I hadn’t been there in a long time. My heart longed for her presence—the wisdom she offered, the laughter she shared, the way she could solve my problems with a game of Scrabble, some juicy fruit gum, and a surprise bowl of ice cream.

Cortisol Break

I’m in the middle of a “cortisol break” as I sit here, tears dripping down my face. It’s a moment where the weight of everything comes rushing in, and I need time to collect myself.

I’ve been working through this for days, writing down my feelings. Right now, I’m listening to Made for More while holding onto the baby blanket my granny made for me. It’s my comfort—a kind of emotional support quilt. It’s full of holes, tears, and stains, but it’s mine. It makes me feel loved. It’s incredible how an object can do that.

Deafening Silence

The silence is the hardest part for me. It’s when the noise fades that the unresolved grief starts to surface. When my granny passed, I had just gained custody of two kids, only to lose her and them shortly after. When my father-in-law died, we hadn’t spoken for six months due to a misunderstanding. After LA passed, I couldn’t go to her funeral because my son needed chemotherapy. When my Lady died, my son was struggling with OMS, and my dad had a stroke, so I couldn’t process her death. And when Donna passed, that night was filled with pain in more ways than one.

There’s so much I’ve never processed, and the recent losses only add to it. If I could just trust in God’s faithfulness, maybe this pain wouldn’t feel so overwhelming. I know His word is true, and I do believe in it. But in my life, I struggle to see hope. I feel trapped, like I’m walking through mud. It’s hard to see a way out. If I don’t allow myself to feel, to sit in the silence and process, I don’t know what will happen. Maybe I’ll implode.

“Made For More”
(feat. Jenn Johnson)

I know who I am ’cause I know who You are.
The cross of salvation was only the start.
Now I am chosen, free and forgiven.
I have a future and it’s worth the living’.
Cause I wasn’t made to be tending a grave.
I was called by name.
Born and raised back to life again.
I was made for more.
So why would I make a bed in my shame.
When a fountain of grace is running my way.
I know I am Yours
And I was made for more.

Oh hallelujah.
You called out my name.
So I’ll sing out Your praise.
Hallelujah.
You buried my past
And I’m not going back.

 

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

📞 Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

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What Does Comfortable Mean

Brandi C

What Does Comfortable Mean

What Does “Comfortable” Mean?

What does “comfortable” mean to you? According to Webster’s Dictionary, it means affording or enjoying contentment and security. So, what does “contentment” mean? It means feeling or showing satisfaction with one’s possessions, status, or situation.

This is the world’s definition of comfort. According to society, I need security—home, money, job. I need to feel satisfied with my home, finances, and career, to have the possessions I “deserve.” The ideal life is wrapped up neatly with a pretty bow: a nice job, a good income, toys, bigger houses, 2.5 kids, a dog, a cat, and a fish, a manicured yard, well-educated kids, and peace wherever I go.

Is that the answer to a good life? A life full of wealth and material possessions?

If this is the life you desire, then stop reading, and good luck on your journey. But if you’re looking for something more—something money can’t buy—keep reading.

God Does Not Want Us to Be Comfortable!

God doesn’t call us to a life of ease or comfort. He calls us to move, to act, and to follow Him. We need to pray earnestly, asking God to lead us where He’s working, and when the time comes, all we need to do is GO. God doesn’t call the equipped; He equips those whom He calls!

Through the years, I’ve walked through difficult seasons. I married young, had children young, and faced challenges in my marriage. My husband wasn’t walking with the Lord, and I struggled to walk with him. But, over time, God worked in him. Though the growth seemed slow, it was real, and it was in God’s timing—not mine. I quickly learned I wasn’t my husband’s personal Holy Spirit.

We’ve gone through tough times, and there were many moments when bitterness crept in, making it hard to forgive those who hurt us. But forgiveness isn’t about giving permission for hurtful actions; it’s about healing ourselves. Though it’s difficult, forgiving others is a step toward peace and freedom.

We’ve Gotten Older

As we’ve aged, we’ve learned to lean on God’s wisdom, not our own. We’ve faced many trials, and we’re still walking through difficult moments. At times, we shake our heads, wondering what God is doing, but we continue to stand strong in His Word. God is refining us, and though it’s painful, we’ve grown closer as a family, a couple, and most importantly, to God.

I have constantly strived for peace, but life has taken me from comfort to chaos and back to comfort again, only for the cycle to repeat. It feels like we’re standing in the middle of a field, facing tough challenges, but we hold on to God’s truths and promises. We’re not trying to walk this life alone, but instead, we’re clinging to God as He leads us through the challenges.

Comfortable, on My Terms

To me, comfortable means having an unmanicured yard with weeds and dead plants. It means leaving behind a place I thought I’d never leave and sending my kids to public school. It means returning to work and stepping into the unknown. We’re no longer focused on the details; we’re simply trying to follow where God leads us.

Salvation Is Simple

If you don’t know the Lord as your Savior, please consider these next steps and pray from a genuine heart.

We all deserve death because of our sin. But Jesus came to save us from our sins by being the ultimate sacrifice on the cross. God’s grace is undeserved, yet it’s freely given.

Salvation is simple:

  1. Admit you are lost.

  2. Believe that Jesus Christ came to earth, fully God and fully human, to die on the cross for your sins.

  3. Confess that you are a sinner, separated from God, and repent—turn away from your sins.

  4. Ask God to come into your heart, and you will be saved.

Baptism follows as an act of obedience and a public profession of your faith, but it does not save you.

Please, don’t wait for tomorrow. Our days are numbered, and God knows the number of our days. Today is the day to ask Christ into your heart. Secure your place in heaven and reduce the number of those who will spend eternity in hell.

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To Conform or Not to Conform

Brandi C

To Conform or Not to Conform

To Conform or Not to Conform

To Conform or Not to Conform

I’ve struggled with self-esteem issues for most of my life. Despite having loving parents and people invested in my life, I couldn’t understand why I felt the way I did. Now, looking back, I see how loved I was, but hindsight is 20/20. Back then, I didn’t see it. I saw myself as the girl in the “stupid kid class,” who struggled with adding, multiplication, telling time, or even understanding what an adverb was. My peers stared at me and made fun of me daily. It was an incredibly difficult time. The question of the day is To Conform or Not to Conform.

How Many Legs Does a Dog Have?

In Kindergarten, the teachers wanted to hold me back because I answered a question wrong on a test. I was asked how many legs a dog had, and I said 3. I remember my mother rushing into the classroom, defending me, saying something like, “She’s not stupid. She just hasn’t seen a four-legged dog.” Let that sink in. I was six years old and had never seen a four-legged dog. It still blows my mind.

6th Grade Drama

In sixth grade, with its hot guys, pegged jeans, and jean jackets, I couldn’t fit in. I was placed in the “stupid” class, and I remember walking in line, being stared at and laughed at by my peers. My mother made sure I didn’t stay there long, though I’m not sure what she said to make that happen. Eventually, I moved back into the mainstream classes.

Always Different

I’ve always felt different. No matter how hard I tried, I never fit in. There were moments when I copied the other girls’ hairstyles, wore trendy clothes, and said things I thought would help me blend in. But instead, I just looked foolish and isolated myself further.

Wearing My Mask

I often wore different “faces” depending on the situation. At school, I wore the “I don’t care that I have no friends and can’t understand my homework” face. When at church, I wore the “sanctified, holier-than-thou” face. At home, I wore the “sullen, no one understands me” face. I had a mask for every setting.

Reed in a Hurricane Syndrome

This “reed in the hurricane” mentality set me up for some difficult experiences. I faced abuse, eating issues, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and depression. My intense need to fit in led me down a dangerous path, but despite the pain, I’m grateful that God protected me from further harm.

Coming to Peace

Over the years, I transformed into someone I can finally be at peace with. The exhaustion of pretending to be someone I wasn’t became overwhelming. Eventually, I stopped caring what others thought of me. What matters now is knowing who I am and WHOSE I am.

What Has Been Said About Me

I’ve been told that I can’t be a submissive and honoring wife because I’m too bold and outspoken. Once, I was accused of controlling my husband and not allowing him to make decisions for our family. I’ve been told I only love my husband when he does things for me. There have been times that I’ve been criticized for homeschooling my children, with people claiming I wasn’t smart enough to teach them. But my children have excelled—going to college and becoming successful, well-rounded individuals.

I’ve been called an adulterous person for praying with a man over his marriage. I’ve been told that I will never be taken seriously and that I’m not perceived as intelligent. These statements have hurt me and made me question who I am. But then I stop and remember WHOSE I am. I am a child of the King.

He Knows Me

Psalm 139:13-16 says, “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them.”

Truths About Me

For those who want to know who I am, here it is: I love my Lord with all my heart and soul. I’m passionate about caring for the needy and reaching out to those no one else wants to be around. I love my husband, my children, and my grandchildren. My Lord comes first, my husband comes second, and my children come third. Everyone else will have to take a number.

I wear hot pink hair with some purple most of the time. I hold those I love very close to my heart. Trust is difficult for me, but I can read people well. I love to sit and observe. I enjoy feeding people and use humor to cover up my hurts. Friendships aren’t easy for me, and I have a brain of my own. Forgiveness is hard for me, but I do it. I can admit when I’m wrong and apologize. Lying is unacceptable.

Be Kind

If you don’t like me or have assumptions about me, that’s okay. But if you want to know something, ask. Don’t judge a person based on a snap decision. Take the time to get to know them. Sit at their table, learn their story, and be mindful of your words.

Different Does Not Mean Bad

I am different. In the end, I will never walk the same path you walk, and I won’t try to be someone I’m not. Seriously, I won’t be the super-smart one, and I’ll never bend the truth just to make someone happy. I will speak my truth and tell you if you’ve hurt my feelings. There are many days when I don’t like to cry, and my job is not to please people. My calling is to love God and love my neighbor. That is what I strive to do.

Salt and Light

Matthew 5:13-16 says, “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot. You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead, they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.”

I will stand out, be noticed, and not hide my light. Honestly, I will be myself, and I will encourage, feed, and love you—whether you like it or not. Salt and light, people… salt and light. My hot pink light will shine brightly until the return of Christ. Embrace it, enjoy it, or walk away. The choice is yours.

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The TikTok I Didn’t Know I Needed

Brandi C

The TikTok I Didn’t Know I Needed

The TikTok I Didn't Know I Needed

The TikTok I Didn’t Know I Needed after a bad couple of weeks. I was aimlessly scrolling today and this caught my attention. Now, I have not watched all this person’s content, nor will I (probably) but this one struck a chord in me. There is music and captions that contains some coarse language, but if you overlook that, you will get the idea of his message.

This is a positivity account, from what I have gathered. Self-love, letting go of the negative, self-care, knowing your worth, etc. It is a message that people need to hear and adapt to their lives. You know, life doesn’t have to be as hard as we make it. There is so much that I “own” that isn’t mine to own.

I allow guilt and the things that people say to me impact me way too much. Honestly, I don’t view myself through the lens of what Jesus says about me. I view myself through the lens of others and what they say about me. Some of these people know me but a lot of them don’t.

Motto of Sorts

I say, a lot, that if someone has not had their feet under my table, they don’t have an opinion. However, even when they have had their feet under my table, they still don’t truly know. For instance, with the illness of one of my children…there have been people (family) that has been with me every step of this battle with my child. However, they still don’t really get it because they don’t live it 24/7. They see what I want them to see. Does that even make sense? Honestly, even my husband doesn’t know it all because he had to stay home and take care of business here.

Adoption and Trauma

It’s the same with adoption trauma or any trauma for that matter. I get so tired of hearing what a saint we are for taking in kids. No. Just no. We are not saints and we are not perfect parents. If I shared with you half of what our journey comprised of it would curl your toenails. It was a choice that we made to live out the gospel how we were called to live it out. Not perfect, but obedient. It has been hard. Honestly, it is still hard.

Geez, I have a lot to say on that but right now my head is not in the right space to do so.

LukeMindPower

That is the handle of this guy. I am sure he is on multiple platforms, but this is the one that I have seen. I have said, most of the week, that it has been really bad around here. The last two weeks have been rough. This is the caption of what he said (again, pardon the language).

“You are powerful and you’re seeing this for a reason! The devil wouldn’t be attacking u so hard if there wasn’t something valuable in you… Thieves don’t break into an empty house. You’re only stressin’ cause ur not giving up! A weak mf would’ve folded. Keep going.”

I am valuable. Worthy. Loved and a child of the King.

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The Reality of my Nightmare

Brandi C

The Reality of my Nightmare

In The Reality of my Nightmare, my guest blogger writes about her interpretation of the trials that surrounded her. She writes it as if she were me. I read it the morning of my friend’s funeral. She is pretty spot on in all that she said.

The Reality of my Nightmare

Writing this seems like a nightmare

I am waiting to wake up from this nightmare because of how real it feels. But when I open my eyes, it will all go away. No. This nightmare is real. I can’t believe this is happening to me. Why? Why me? What did I do wrong to cause these people to knock on my door? Who has been watching me and observing my every movement? 

I am afraid

Afraid to raise my voice even the slightest bit because someone might be watching. Also, I am scared to take my child to the other room for fear that someone might think I will punish them. Afraid to go out in public with my child for fear that someone will judge me the wrong way and call them again. Why me? 

Raising Kids

Raising kids is hard, especially 7 of them. They are all so different in so many ways. Yet, I would not change a single hair on their head because I love them so much. I love my kids with every fiber of my being. I would gladly take any strife or burdens off their shoulders. I will put them on my own if it helps them and their future. 

My kids are special.

Some have mentally challenging issues. Then, others have some physical problems that need my constant attention. Being a mom is hard. It is tiring even. Yet, I am glad God chose these beautiful children to be mine. 

I love fiercely and will do anything in my power to protect them from the world and its temptations. Sometimes, I help others before I think about myself and my needs. I have run ragged, going in different directions to help those in need as God calls me to do. Honestly, I try to open myself up to other moms in various clubs and organizations my kids participate. I try to help them and converse with them when they need a friend or a shoulder to cry on. 

But You

You took care of my child when he played sports on your team. He became best friends with your kids. I thought you loved him like one of your own. He stayed at your house and slept over so many nights. Every time, he had a blast when he came home beaming from ear to ear. He would tell me all about how fun it is at your house. 

Invitation then Betrayal

I invited you into my home, which we manage to keep clean amongst the chaos of having multiple children and animals in the house. And yet, you betrayed my trust by calling them. Why? Why me? 

You know my child is well-fed. We give him clothes and things to toys. Furthermore, we keep him involved in sports. Importantly, we teach him the love of Jesus in everything we do. We fight for him daily because he is different. And that’s okay because I love him so much.

How Would You Feel

You are a mother with kids of your own. How would you feel if someone called them? They showed up at your doorstep asking to be invited in. Then ask you probing questions about your home and relationships with your kids? And what if you found out that it was a supposed “friend” who called them on you. 

How would you feel? 

Betrayed? 

Confused? 

I should hope so. 

That is how I felt. 

Terrifying Agony

The terrifying agony that my kids could be ripped away from me with no warning. Sadly, the wailing and uncontrollable sobbing happened in my car when I got the call. My heart can’t take it anymore. I am so tired of having to justify myself to these people. Justify every action that I do and every word that comes out of my mouth. 

How would you feel? 

Would you demand an explanation from your “friend” and say some nasty things to them in retaliation? Would you constantly look over your shoulder to make sure no one was watching you if you ever had to punish your child in public? Or are you one of those parents letting their children run amuck and do whatever they want? 

Either way, I want you to know that it is understandable if you did not know the family or had never been in their home and seen how the family operates. It would be understandable if you didn’t know my son or me. 

But you did know us. 

I was at every game. I talked to you all the time. And yet, you still called. I could trust you. You have betrayed my trust. But I choose to let God be in control of my situation. I prefer to let God judge your actions when you get to Heaven instead of judging you, which I am not called to do. 

Honestly, I choose to love like Jesus with skin on and be the city on a hill for you. I prefer to let God listen to my sorrowful prayers and collect my tears in a jar. Furthermore, I choose to let God pick me up and comfort me because he knows I am the mom He called me to be. I am not perfect. But God does not call us to be perfect. He calls us to be his disciples and to love our neighbor in his word. 

My house may be messy sometimes, and my kids may drive me crazy most days, but in what reality is home always tidy and the kids always clean and well-behaved? I would love to meet those people and that family. 

Haven’t you ever made a mistake as a parent? 

Because if you say no, that is a bold-faced lie. We fail daily at things. The key is learning from those mistakes, moving on, and leaving the past behind us. Those failures are also successes. I have put several of my kids through a full education (and I have homeschooled them for many years as well). Two of them graduated with honors, which is a huge accomplishment.

Mama Pride

One of my kids is married with a baby on the way. I could not be happier for my sweet child. My smallest child is excelling at what doctors told us would be impossible. Yet, with me by his side, he has survived those odds. 

The moments of pride I feel for the children I raised surpass the moments of sadness I think when things like this happen. I choose to find the beauty in the ashes. I will stand tall and not be shaken by people’s opinions of my family and me.

My Choices

So I will also choose to continue to stand by my children and attend every activity, club, and sporting event they are in. And if you other moms judge me or whisper tall tales about me that are not even true, I will smile and turn the other cheek as God has called me to, even if it is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Cruelty of Others

People can be so cruel nowadays, and they always look at the plank in someone else’s eye rather than focusing on the speck of dirt in their eye. Words can slice through a person and bring them down when we should be standing together as moms and supporting one another rather than bringing them down and jumping to conclusions by calling the organization before they have the facts straight. 

No, we moms are not perfect. But we are doing the best we can with the circumstances we are currently in and the children with whom the Lord has blessed us. I will continue to be the city on a hill and shine my light bright for my kids and you. 

And I know deep down in my heart that God will be pleased with my strength and integrity, and when I get to Heaven, He will say, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” I can not wait for that day to come. 

In the meantime

I will continue to be the most fantastic mom to my kids and a faithful spouse to my husband. I am showing them the light of God. Continuing to shield them from the world will be a lifelong journey, but I would not change one thing about it, not for you or any other mom who says a spiteful word towards me. 

I will pray for you even though it is painful. Because in my darkest moments, I cling to Jesus the most, and when my faith is tested, I come out stronger than ever because my Redeemer is with me. No more hiding. No more fear. I will not be afraid. 

 

Guest Blogger, Medical

Lyme Disease Information- Diagnosis- Healing

Brandi C

 

Lyme Disease Information- Diagnosis- Healing

Lyme Disease Information- Diagnosis- Healing

My friend, Lesley Emerson, wrote about her daughter’s Lyme Disease journey a few years ago. Soon after that, we did a series of informational posts on Lyme. After the series, Callie was brave enough to write and bear her soul on this journey of illness, healing, and faith. To ensure this story is not buried amongst other blog posts, I thought I would consolidate them all.

What is Lyme Disease

What IS Lyme Disease? Borrelia: A tick-borne illness that can cause fatigue, flu-like symptoms, and a bulls-eye rash. The bulls-eye rash is only one part of Lyme Disease. There are about a billion other things that are comorbid with this disease. The bulls-eye rash is unmistakable. What starts as a tiny little bump begins to get bigger, warmer, and hard around the center. That’s when you know it is more than a typical tick bite. Seek treatment. Do not settle.

It is a corkscrew-shaped bacteria that gets all up and “screws” into place. The shape makes it incredibly hard to get rid of in the body. There is so much information on the CDC website.

I mean, look at that list above. ALS! MS! Alzheimer’s! Lupus! Bi-Polar Disorder! There are so many more. I’m so thankful for where the Lord led us.

As we followed His path, Callie was healed through non-typical methods. Step out of your box—color outside the lines. Be the patient who does not settle for a blanket diagnosis. Find the root of your illness. You can do this because you are capable and strong.

Lyme Disease Easy to Diagnose

Lyme Disease is easy to diagnose and is easy to treat. You might assume that if it were a possible cause of your illness, your medical provider would have considered that before your diagnosis, and there’s no need to discuss it now.

If Lyme Disease is easy to diagnose, why isn’t it standard practice for anyone showing signs of autoimmune illness, mental illness, autism, or other related illnesses? It’s pure and simple, and nothing shows it better than this picture of Callie administering her IV antibiotics that cost us (with insurance) $700 per week. 

Yes, we had insurance, but they paid for only the first 30 days of treatment. Thirty days is not nearly enough. Callie did this 3-4 times each day and would become very ill afterward. Our medical system has been taken over by greed, thus tying the hands of and misinforming our medical personnel.

I admired his conviction, but honestly, I cannot imagine risking my livelihood for someone I barely know. Please do not assume your doctors considered the possibility of Lyme before diagnosing you with something else.

Btw we found a much cheaper alternative, so don’t let that scare you.

Guess who has Lyme disease: Hereditary??

Hey! Guess Who Has Lyme Disease? ME!

By definition, the word hereditary means determined by genetic factors. Simply put, it can be passed down from generation to generation because Lyme is not correctly diagnosed (or misdiagnosed) or treated promptly. Lyme disease and co-infections are a generation-to-generation gift.

Although I’ve never been sick like Callie was, I know I am a carrier of this little gem because she had it. A tick can carry Lyme disease. However, Lyme is likely to be congenital.

Have you ever noticed that people in your family have similar health issues? Do you ever wonder why or think you are next in line for XY or Z? It doesn’t matter that you have had a negative test for Lyme.

Callie Had Three Negative Tests

The discouragement is real. Also, the weird and random symptoms were real. Fighting, going against the grain of society, and seeking out alternative healing methods is the key. I’m not saying that modern medicine is not something you need. It is. What I’m saying is sometimes you need more.

Lyme Disease does not travel alone. It’s important not to think chronic Lyme disease only stems from ticks. It is most often congenital and is a gift handed down from your parents.

One of the reasons it can be challenging to diagnose or be considered is because the symptoms are so broad. The signs are widespread because several co-infections go along with Lyme, and everyone has a different combo of them.

Lyme never comes alone. It always brings at least one co-infection. Your symptoms may be fatigue and pain, while another has migraines or depression. That’s because you have different co-infections.

Callie had Lyme and four co-infections. Guess who tested positive (although symptom-free) for Lyme and the same four co-infections?

My parents–yup!

Why are they symptom-free? Here’s how it works: God made you with a fully functioning immune system, and if we left it alone, it could handle all the gunk we inherited, plus things we are exposed to now.

Any number of things can give it a whack and make it limp a bit where it cannot fight at its full potential. When that happens, some of these fundamental things can pop up. Of course, we all know that the food we eat and all the junk we are doing to ourselves are a factor. Then other things can give your immune system a whack that’s just enough to be a trigger.

For Callie, it was an exposure to an insecticide (probably while playing soccer). Then she had her 6th-grade booster shots. That whacked her body just enough that she began having her first of many symptoms a month after having them. Because Lyme Disease does not travel alone, she not only Lyme but four other co-infections her body was battling.

Any Big Stressor

I’ve heard others have been in a car wreck or gone through a divorce (any significant stress). Some had gotten a flu shot, had anesthesia or had a significant health crisis. Afterward, their symptoms began.

All of those things can affect the function of your immune system letting congenital Lyme take over. Once Lyme Disease takes over and does not travel alone, other symptoms begin to emerge.

So if your family tree looks similar to the one below, there’s probably a good reason.

ALS and Lyme

ALS and Lyme Sneaky Little Bug. Lou Gehrig’s Disease is often misdiagnosed. However, the root is undiagnosed Lyme Disease. Lyme is such a sneaky little bug.

There are so many things that run comorbid with Lyme. The comorbid diagnosis is the one with the name, when Lyme gets away, undetected. Again, have your doctor do testing through Igenex. That is the key. Please, advocate for yourself if something seems off.

Sadly, it is the beast that is Lyme Disease.

This disease is horrible. A cure needs to be found. It saddens me that one little thing can cause and wreak so much havoc. So often, it is misdiagnosed, and people suffer. Needlessly. I mean, I had Lyme show up because my mom had it. We have to advocate for ourselves and our health. No one else will do it because only you know you.

where does it hurt?

So, where does it hurt? Your joints, your head, your fingertips, your back? Why are there so many symptoms of Lyme disease?

The bacteria is corkscrew-shaped and can bore into any tissue or organ in your body. How scary is that? It makes me think of something that bores into my skin or organs.

Some people have neurological issues because it is predominantly in their brain, some in their digestive tract or back, or anywhere from the top of your head to the bottom of your toes, making it difficult to diagnose just based on symptoms alone.

Testing is super easy with the Western blot test from Igenex Labs!

When your body is hurting, it is time to enlist the big guns at Igenex Labs! Igenex is the lab that has the most accurate test results. Other tests may come back as a false negative. You want to be accurate in determining whether or not you have Lyme Disease. Please be wise. Ask questions. Be an advocate for yourself. It can be challenging and intimidating, but you are your only advocate. Be loud and be heard.

Lymsomnia

Insomnia, or as Callie used to call it, Lymsomnia, is a prevalent symptom of Lyme disease.

Before treatment, insomnia kept Callie up all night, anywhere from 2-4 nights per week.

That fact adds up over several years. Erik and I took turns sitting with her so she didn’t feel alone. Sadly, this is why we have so many wrinkles, haha! Insomnia is so hard to handle. Losing sleep, restless sleep, or interrupted sleep can cause many other issues. It is a never-ending cycle. Maybe the term “Lymsomnia” should be in the dictionary.

Sleep Deprivation

Some signs that you may be struggling with sleep deprivation are memory issues and critical thinking skills. There can be mood changes, high blood pressure issues, weakened immune systems, etc. Most people blindly accept what diagnosis they are given. Then, they do as the instructions say on the bottle. But. What if it is more.

Sound Familiar?

If you are reading this and these things sound familiar, do not ask your doctor for a Lyme test. A Lyme test will likely come back negative. A negative test is one of the reasons so many people are slipping through the cracks. Also, not getting a proper diagnosis. The test most doctors use is entirely ineffective. There is one test and only one reliable lab in the country. Igenex Labs.

Crohn’s IBS Colitis Behcets

Crohn’s IBS Colitis Behcets Most of the “Lymies” I know have been told they have IBS.

IBS is “a common disorder that affects the large intestine. Signs and symptoms include cramping, abdominal pain, bloating, gas, diarrhea or constipation, or both. IBS is a chronic condition you’ll need to manage long term.”

Crohn’s Disease Symptoms are “inflammatory bowel disease (IBD). It causes inflammation of your digestive tract, which can lead to abdominal pain, severe diarrhea, fatigue, weight loss, and malnutrition. Inflammation caused by Crohn’s disease can involve different areas of the digestive tract in different people.”

Colitis

Colitis Symptoms is “a chronic digestive disease characterized by inflammation of the inner lining of the colon. Infection, loss of blood supply in the colon, Inflammatory Bowel Disease (IBD) and invasion of the colon wall with collagen or lymphocytic white blood cells are all possible causes of an inflamed colon.”

Behcet’s

Behcet’s Symptoms are “a rare disorder that causes blood vessel inflammation throughout your body. The disease can lead to numerous signs and symptoms that can seem unrelated at first. They can include mouth sores, eye inflammation, skin rashes and lesions, and genital sores.”

It’s on my list of medical things that have popped up. However, we’ve given it a name. Surprisingly, we did not check to find a root cause. For example, with Lyme, any muscle in your body can spasm. Also, tummy troubles and Lyme go hand in hand.

Please, be aware, ask questions, do not take NO for an answer, and advocate. You are an expert on your body, do not let anyone tell you any different.

 

Book Review

Take Back Your Life Part 5

Brandi C

Take Back Your Life Part 5

Take Back Your Life Part 5

Today is the last day! See, I told you I wouldn’t make it as long as the previous book review! So, here is Take Back Your Life Part 5. I have been on the struggle bus today. Sadly, I have not captured my thoughts, and my strongholds are in full force. I am so frustrated with so many things. Shall we move on?

Hope

“So what is hope? At its most basic level, to have hope is to believe that something good is going to happen. That help is on the way. That it’s not over yet. And that no matter how dark it seems, there’s going to be light at the end of the tunnel. Our hope is a living hope, because we have a living Lord.”

Hope. That word permeated throughout our entire (ongoing) journey with OMS. The word started as a prophecy by three people (none of whom know each other). Then, everywhere I turned, it was that word, thought, concept. Hope. Frankly, it irritated me. I didn’t see the hope at that time. My faith level was that of a mustard seed. At that time, I most definitely had blinders on my eyes.

Yet, here we are, reading and learning about hope again. Over time, I’ve learned how to love that word and accept it. I have it all over my house in some form or the other. Even a tattoo on my arm reminds me to have hope. Hope is what I survived on after the blinders were removed from my face. While they were on, however, the people I chose to surround me with held me up, and they hoped for me when I couldn’t.

“The wonderful thing about the anchor of the soul is that it, too, comes equipped with a mighty chain. Hope has a rope: The Holy Spirit. He is our great rope that cannot be frayed, the one who has lashed our hearts to heaven.”

Did You Take a Tone With Me?

My husband and children hate it when I say that phrase. It isn’t always what they say; it is the tone they use, the body language, and the facial expressions. Someone can say I love you with complete and utter hate in their eyes. You know you can’t always believe what comes from someone’s mouth. I think Jesus says our tongue is a double-edged sword.

“Experts estimate that a very small percentage of our communication occurs through the words themselves. The great majority of what we say each day involves what we do with our bodies, our facial expressions, and the tone with which we communicate.”

Levi Lusko says, “if Jesus is the Lord of your life, then he should be the Lord of your lips. Colossians 4:6 reminds us to ‘let every word you speak be drenched with grace.’ Grace is unmerited favor, by the way. Grace is not ever deserved.”

Uhm, I need to have a redo on my entire day. My words have dripped with irritation, frustration, anger, fear, and sadness. Why do I continue to do the things I do not want to do? To add insult to injury, he says, “your intentions don’t matter; your behavior does. No one can hear what you wanted to say; we hear only what you said. The impact you have on the world is what you’re accountable for. When you allow yourself to be provoked, you give up the one thing that is yours alone: control of yourself.”

I need to go back to bed.

Anger: Party of 1

“You might struggle with anger, but you are not an angry person. You might struggle with people, but that doesn’t make you not a people person. Your face can absolutely have an impact on those around you, for better or worse. Positive thinking is important. So is watching how you speak and minding your habits.”

We are at the end of this book. I didn’t squeeze all the goodness out of it because I was hoping you could go and buy it. Marinate on this book. Put it into practice. I pray that forgiveness is shown to me and that I can start over. In the middle of the day, have a massive do-over.

“So tie yourself to Jesus, and you’ll feel his power as you work out the life he breathed into you. Take off your grave clothes. And remember that when you are authentically your healed self and walk humbly as a follower of Jesus, you can live in confidence without fear, distraction, depression, anxiety, worry, regret, quarrels, addictions, darkness, selfishness, self-sabotage, narcissism, the held-hostage version of yourself you don’t want to be, or anything else that gets in your way and stunts your growth. Draw a line in the sand – a crimson line painted with the blood of Jesus – and decide that the cycle ends with you. Your children don’t have to inherit from you what you inherited from your parents. Fight this battle so they won’t have to.”

Powerful. Just keep swimming, friends. We, as believers, know what happens at the end of the book. We win.

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Book Review

Take Back Your Life Part 4

Brandi C

Take Back Your Life Part 4

You Can’t Be a Victim and a Victor at the Same Time

“God is saying that impossible things can be done when you speak faith in the midst of the storm, though sometimes the impossible thing is you continuing to believe in him in the middle of it all, even when what you’re believing for doesn’t happen. He’s not saying you’re going to get every single thing you want if you just speak to it in an attitude of faith. Always, Jesus’ attitude is “Thy will be done, not mine.” Take Back Your Life Part 4

It is so hard to believe in the middle of it all. My faith was tiny during the most challenging part of our OMS journey. I felt defeated. The doctors were talking at me and not with me. Only one doctor in another state spoke with me and helped me understand everything I needed. Though her belief system was different than mine, she gave me hope. That hope restored and grew my faith exponentially.

“Jesus didn’t come to give us a blank check for any dream. But when hard days come, the way we speak in the midst of our crisis, in the midst of our difficulty, can cause something to happen that feels impossible. A mountain of discouragement can move and  mountain of ingrained negativity can move. A mountain of hopelessness can move. It happens when we do things like speaking words of faith in the midst of a chemotherapy treatment. Suddenly we have more to give and joy where there shouldn’t be any.”

In the midst of one of our journeys, the above statement happened. That one doctor, Kavita Thakkar from UPMC, gave us hope. In doing that, our mountain and perspective shifted in a way that occurred three years before meeting her. God speaks through any situation and any person. We have to listen. “God’s most important miracles can’t be seen with the naked eye.”

Feelings

My Lady always said, “no one can make you feel one way or the other. Your feelings are your decision to have or not have.” I miss her. Levi Lusko states that “You need to learn to feel your feelings. Lean into them. Diagnose them. And then do what is needed to move through them.” Do you know how hard that is to do when you have chosen to stuff your feelings most of your life?

He goes further to say (and I am paraphrasing here), “if you try to understand what is driving it, you can look to the Lord to fill the hole instead of ~the things~ of the world. You will discover that the ache you were going to silence with something on Disney+…was actually the voice of Jesus calling you to himself… The silencing of that discomfort by fast food or fast delivery from e-commerce brings the opposite – more punishment than reward.”

I do that, especially at night. Binge-watch things, play my bubble game, eat popcorn. Lately, I’ve been closing my eyes and listening to some praise and worship music. Listening to music creates a space where my feelings are feeling things. Honestly, I’m not sure what to think about that. It is not pleasant, but I know it is healing.

Decision-Making and Fear

“All I can tell you is that you must not let fear play a part in your decision-making. You can’t ignore fear, but you don’t have to let it control you. True bravery isn’t feeling no fear. It’s being afraid and moving forward anyway.”

Currently, I have a big decision to make. In my world, I need a step-by-step of what I need to do to get from point A to point B. In a turn of events, after ten years, I now have that step-by-step guide. Now, I’m ready to back out and not do it out of fear. What if I’m not good enough or what if I can’t pass the test? How about “What if I can’t find a job?” More questions are “What if I can’t find a supervisor or what if I screw someone up?”

I’m allowing fear to overtake logic and a calling. I know I’m called to do a sure thing. I’ve taken some vast steps to get to this point. Yet, I hit a brick wall when I got involved with someone who did not have my best interest in mind. Levi Lusko states, “not only is failure not a bad thing, but it is a necessary thing. The only way to get to victory is to be willing to make mistakes on the way there.” Choosing this Lady and believing her lies was a HUGE mistake. Then, OMS hit, and I had no choice but to care for my son. Most obstacles (except a supervisor and a job) are out of the way. I’m terrified.

Fear is affecting this decision. Completely. “God isn’t scared of what you’re scared of. But you don’t have to pretend like you’re not frightened. Naming your fear is part of getting through it. It’s also important to remember that Immanuel means “God with us.” Jesus is with you. You are never alone.” God states in Psalm 91:5, “You shall not be afraid of the terror by night.”

Stronghold

“A stronghold is an area in which you have become entrenched in believing something that isn’t true or in doing something you shouldn’t be doing. As a result, the Enemy has a heavily fortified position in your life. Simply put: it’s a constant pull in the wrong direction. These strongholds put a chokehold on the joy, growth, freedom, and strength you are meant to experience. They neutralize your effectiveness and lock you in a state of darkness and arrested development.”

I have many strongholds. Anger is fear and/or sadness. Tonight, there was an issue. I am beyond exhausted, and I have two choices. One choice was to sit here and dissociate. The second choice was to intervene. I don’t have enough energy to intervene. Logically, I can tell you what outcome will come if I just let my husband handle it (not allowing my stronghold to rule me), or I can intervene (and have my stronghold rear its ugly head). Tonight, I choose to dissociate.

How to demolish them:

  • Spot them.
  • Renounce the thinking or behavior and se3t your soul against it.
  • Paint the target so heaven can blast it with God’s supernatural power.
  • Let your squad in on what has been going on.
  • Vigilantly and diligently build something in place of the sin so it can never be rebuilt.

“Rise up and do exactly what the devil doesn’t want you to do. Refuse to go gently into the night. Don’t be taken without a fight…”

Tomorrow will be my last day of posting on this book. Powerful book.

 

Book Review

Take Back Your Life Part 3

Brandi C

Take Back Your Life Part 3

Take Back Your Life Part 3

Part of me wants to rush through this book, so I don’t bore people. The other part of me wants to stop and absorb everything that stands out. Frankly, it is pretty therapeutic for me. We shall see how far I get. At the end of each section, there are very thought-provoking questions. You can thank me now for not posting/answering! Take Back Your Life Part 3

You Always Have a Choice

Levi Lusko states that “Satan can’t make you do anything. You always have a choice. In that way, you are more dangerous to yourself than the devil is. He has to check with God before he can wreak havoc in your life, but you can do great damage to your calling without getting approval from anyone.”

I would have never thought that. In my mind, God either allows or ordains the things that happen in your life. He can change it instantly because He is God, and He can do that. Yet, free will comes to play, and though He can override free will, He chooses not to. If He did that, we wouldn’t cry out to Him or need a God to come to our rescue. Maybe I’m wrong.

“Remember, God doesn’t cause bad things to happen, but he is sovereign and nothing happens outside his permission. The devil is the one ultimately responsible for evil.”

I know God is the only omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient God. He can be at all places at all times, at the same time. Satan can’t do that. He can only be at one place at any given time, but he does have an army that he can send out that seeks to kill, steal, and destroy you.

Finding Beauty from Ashes

One thing that I told my clients, often, was that there was a purpose in their pain. Whether it was allowed or ordained, God would use whatever situation they are currently going through to help another person find beauty from their ashes.

Levi Lusko agrees to say, “But be of good cheer. There is a connection between the strength of our pain and the volume of our voices. The more we hurt, the louder we become. The things God deposits in your spirit amid suffering are the same things that someday others will desperately need. I dare you to look at the hardships you’re facing and believe that, through them, there are people you are meant to reach.”

I wholeheartedly agree with that statement. Amid pain, suffering, uncertainty, and trials, we can’t see the forest for the trees. Yet, God has a helicopter view. He sees the beginning to the end. In those moments, He knows that there will be someone, somewhere, that will walk through the same thing you are walking through.

Who better to minister with someone than someone with a child who has instantly been stricken with a rare disease? Especially when that someone is five years on the other side. Is there someone better to minister to a wife who finds out her husband has an addiction that he has been hiding for most of her marriage? What about the mom who has a prodigal child? When you have a wayward child, you have lived it and can not only sympathize but empathize with them.

“None of your tears have fallen to the ground unseen.” God states in His Word, “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” Psalm 56:8

Power in the Pain

In Take Back Your Life, Levi Lusko states, “I always want you to believe in Jesus’ name that there will come a day when the devil will regret ever asking God’s permission to give you your trials because you will end up twice as blessed as you started out. God’s up to something! He’s turning your mess into a message and He’s turning your pain into a platform. Remember, He’s turning your trial into a testimony and He’s turning the trash that has come into your life into triumph!”

Beauty from ashes! You can declare war and you can have that freedom that only God can give you. Also, you don’t have to succumb to depression, anxiety, or fear. Admit where you struggle, become a student of the problem, and be your expert. When you do that, that can eliminate fear. Stand up for yourself and for what is right. You don’t have to lay down and take it, but you must release it to the One who can fight your battles! You are not your darkness, and it cannot overtake you as a child of the King.

Begin in Your Mind

That is where you can shut off the darkness. “My friend Kevin Gerald likes to say, ‘Thoughts are like trains: they take you somewhere.’ When a train of thought shows up, don’t just get on! Slow down before you board it to make sure it’s heading in the right direction. Ask each one:  Where are you taking me? Are we headed to Lovelyville, Virtuetown, Good Report Station? Boomsauce! Wait, this train is going to Jealousy, USA? Rage City? Gossip Central? I’m sorry, I’m just not comfortable going where you are headed.”  

That is a fantastic analogy. I can catch myself when fixing to go off the rails into a tangent. There are times when I can physically hear a voice that says STOP. SHUT UP. STOP SPEAKING. WALK AWAY. 98% of the time, I ignore it, and then crap comes flying out my mouth. You can’t take back what you say because the damage has already been done.

Levi Lusko goes on to outline a few more places that may be harder to spot the trains that are coming:

  • Being suspicious of people’s motives
  • Wondering what went wrong
  • Feeling guilty
  • Doubting and questioning God
  • Worrying
  • Obsessing about why you weren’t invited
  • Fearing someone you love being harmed
  • Secretly being happy when something wrong happens to someone you don’t like *ouch*
  • Stressing about your future
  • Stewing over something that was done to you *double ouch*

You Have a Choice

“You can take it captive. Detain it. Don’t let it into your mind for a minute. Show it no mercy. Give it no quarter. Send that thought to the pit of despair so the six-fingered man and the albino can torture it. Don’t be kind. Remember, this is war.”

Replace the thought with Scripture and what God says about you! You don’t have to choose to live like this. You can overcome. Choose life and speak life into yourself instead of the death sentence that Satan brings to the table.

“It’s time to stop letting life happen to you and start happening to your life. When you decide to stare the things in the face that are holding you back, strength will bubble up inside your chest.” So many gems in this book. There are so many powerful statements like this that make you stop and ponder. I will be 50 this year. I have let life happen to me for almost 50 years. Time is soon changing, and I will start “happening” in my life!

A Bad Mood Exists Only in Your Mind

It is never too late to change your attitude, mindset, or course of action for your life. You don’t have to wait until tomorrow. You can make the change halfway through the day. If it is evening, change your perspective. New mercies can happen at any time of the day. Give yourself grace. Go to the Word, put on praise and worship music, dance in your underwear, say you are sorry, or go for a walk. Be the change you want to see made! Remember, “your words and actions both begin as thoughts.” Take your thoughts captive! “You can change how you feel by changing how you think.”

Cliff and Ms. Jan

One of the first things they EVER said to me (amid a chaotic moment with my children at church) was quoting 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18. It says, “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” Levi Lusko is quick to point out some facts relating to this verse. “He didn’t say to be thankful FOR everything. You aren’t supposed to be thankful for death or divorce, or unemployment. Those things aren’t good. You can, however, be thankful IN those things – or in any other thing hell can throw at you – because God has a plan to produce good from what you are facing.”

Ponder that. Tomorrow we talk about miracles!

 

Book Review

Take Back Your Life by Levi Lusko Part 2

Brandi C

Take Back Your Life by Levi Lusko Part 2

Take Back Your Life by Levi Lusko Part 2

We are camping out in the next part of this book, Take Back Your Life. I promise this little series won’t be as long as my last one. Taking apart certain aspects of a book helps me gain a perspective I might not have. So, these book reviews are my online journal to continue my faith journey. Take Back Your Life by Levi Lusko Part 2.

Here’s Some Truth For You

Levi Lusko provides these truths.

  • You were made in the image of God.

“That’s right, made. You are not smart mud or a monkey wearing pants. God made you. Fearfully, wonderfully, he knit you together inside your mother. You’re no accident.” I am NO ACCIDENT. I was not an “oops.” It was not a mistake. I was meant to be on this earth and given to the people, my parents, who created me. It might have been a surprise, not a well-received one, but I’m not mistaken. God wanted me from before He created the earth. He knew about me. He made me in the image of His Son.

  • You have autonomy.

“Like God, you have a personality. A sense of humor. You can laugh and sing, make love and create, dream and destroy. You have feelings and can be hurt. When things don’t go your way, you get sad and can be grieved, just like God. This might surprise you, but God doesn’t always get what he wants and neither do we.” Be bigger. Be loud. Do not shrink down and become invisible! You are not less than. You are the child of the King. Straighten that crown!

  • You are immortal.

“The question is not whether you will live forever but where. Four hundred years from now, and four thousand years after that, you will still exist. You will still be alive, and you will still be you.” Wow. Just wow.

  • You were expensive.

“Think about what God was willing to spend to redeem you and give you hope when sin and death had their suffocating stranglehold on your life. You weren’t purchased with any common currency, like gold or silver, but with the precious blood of Jesus. His veins were opened, and then hanging on two pieces of wood on top of a hill shaped like a skull, the Son of God died to pay the price for every wrong thing you have done. Sin is a capital crime, so he died to set you free.” Humbling. This concept is almost incomprehensible. I can’t say I would kill my son for anyone ever.

  • You have power.

“As a child of God, you have been entrusted with the Holy Spirit. The same Holy Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead now lives in your heart and is ready and waiting to be activated.”

  • You are gifted.

“You have specific connections and opportunities that I haven’t been given. You’re a genius. There are people you get to talk to every day whom it would take a miracle for a preacher to get in front of. But for you it’s effortless as sitting in second period or clocking in for an afternoon shift at your job.”

I can say that I wholeheartedly agree with this, but not everyone does. I learned to blend. Do not stand out, do not attract those that look different from me, don’t go to bars (which I don’t, but that is for another reason), watch who you talk to because you just might be seen by a church person, and that could mean disaster for you. Never have I ever agreed with that statement. I did, for years, but not anymore. I’m a girl with pink and purple hair. As small as I want to be, I am loud and look different. Those people march to the beat of their drums. Well, those are my people. I don’t care what anyone else thinks. There are people that I can reach that might seem “less than” to other “Christians.”

  • You have an epic mission.

“The orders from your commanding officer are pretty clear: go into all the world and preach the gospel to every creature.

Be Bigger, Unapologetic, Unique.

“I hope you are starting to get a sense of how incredibly, wildly unordinary you are. You, my friend, were put on this earth to make waves, disrupt the status quo, and kick over some stinking applecarts. you have everything you need to move forward and live an extraordinary life.”

Preach it, Levi!

From Mundane to Purposeful

“It’s always going to be harder to do the right thing than it is to do the wrong thing. That’s why checking your email a thousand times will always be easier than actually working on something. Also, that’s why scanning your Instagram feed is always going to be easier than actually doing something meaningful. That’s why starting a project, with the blank screen staring back at you, is so hard. But here’s the thing. The harder you work, the better you get at getting over that hump and starting, and the harder it is to surrender.”

From mundane to purposeful is the commitment we need to have for Christ. Delete your social media apps off your phone. You will find that it very well might empower you. Carry a book around, place a small Bible in your car for wait times, and have a playlist of praise and worship music on your phone. Listen to a podcast that uplift and teach you. Fill your mind with the things above, and you will find that your perspective will change for the better.

How You Speak

“How you speak determines how you feel. It’s time to stop listening to your fear! Instead, put some faith in the air. Your speech can create, tear down, build, heal, or hurt. You will feel how you speak and find what you ask. Your words can unlock a life you love or one you loathe.”

I can say; lately, I have been speaking negatively about everything. A thousand and five things in my house need to be accomplished. I clean, and 5 minutes later, it is a disaster. My relationships are not great right now. When a friend calls, my first statement is running down the list of things that are all wrong. I don’t want to lie, but I also don’t want to focus on the negative, and that is what I do. I have got to work on that. It is destroying the people I love around me and me.

Mask of Shame

In Taking Back Your Life, Levi Lusko says, “Is the you you’re showing people really you? Or does your image feel a little disquised? A little distorted? A little masklike? God tells us who we really are but it can be hard to absorb, especially when fears hit. So we slap on a mask as a defense to hide the fears that we aren’t enough.”

The mask of shame speaks to me on every level. I am famous for wearing the appropriate mask for the proper time. I do this out of fear that my true self is too much for some people. Honestly, it is a realized fear because people tell me I’m not good enough. I have too many tattoos, and my hair needs to be a standard color; why do I not wear shoes often? I parent differently than other people parent. I’m not submissive enough, not smart enough, etc. The bad stuff is more accessible to believe than the good stuff. How sad is that?

The Different Types of Masks

I won’t go into detail about what Levi Lusko says. You will get the idea as you read these.

  • The superiority mask.
  • The smiley-face mask.
  • The “Fifty Shades of Grey” mask.
  • The funny guy/gal mask.
  • The “I’m so holy” mask.
  • The clone wars mask.
  • The zombie mask.
  • The gold-plated, diamond-encrusted mask

“It’s ironic, we put on masks in hopes of finding love and acceptance, but people cat love someone they don’t know. What they’re falling in love with isn’t you; it’s your maks, a superficial version of you, a costume you’ve carefully curated. What you wear to obtain, you must wear to retain.”

He further says that we need to learn our true identity in Christ. He encourages you to take your masks off, remember who God says you are, accept who God says you are, and live in complete freedom.

What Does Freedom Look Like

What does this word “freedom” look like when you drop the facade and become the you that God created you to be? I wish I could say I was living that, but I’m not. Honestly, I’m a constant work in progress.

“Freedom looks like vulnerability.” Vulnerability is being capable of being physically or emotionally wounded – open attack or damage. Being vulnerable takes an incredible amount of strength. I encourage you to see the TED Talk by Brene Brown on this subject. Levi Lusko states, “the only way to victory is by going through vulnerability.”

Life Lesson Number 101

I read this book a couple of months ago. I’m rereading as I process through each chapter and rereading what I have highlighted. I aim to apply things to my life and get stuff on notecards to carry around. Silly sounding, I know. Yet, it works for me.

Currently, my husband and I are at a crossroads. Hurts have been expressed. Saying things out of frustration leads to hurt feelings and pain. The desire to give up is at an all-time high. As I’m going through this book, this is what I previously highlighted: “In marriage, being “naked and unashamed” lets down all the walls, telling your fears, telling your desires, telling your dreams, telling how you feel when you don’t measure up. People can say, ‘what you said hurt my feelings. I’m not going to lash out in anger and write an angry email to make you feel small because you made me feel small. Honestly, I’m going to tell you it hurt me. I’m going to try to get on with it.’ “

I need to pause and go and talk to my husband. Marriage is hard; even after almost 30 years, it is hard.

I will leave this parting quote that was written on my whiteboard. “If God didn’t give it, you don’t have to keep it. This is your permission slip to let that go.” Part 3 is coming soon.

Book Review

Take Back Your Life by Levi Lusko Part 1

Brandi C

Take Back Your Life by Levi Lusko Part 1

Take Back Your Life by Levi Lusko – Part 1

Trigger Warning:

This book frequently references the heartbreaking loss of Levi Lusko’s young daughter, Lenya. While it doesn’t go into graphic detail, the topic is mentioned often.

How I Read Books

Take Back Your Life is designed as a 40-day interactive journey to help you think right so you can live right. However, if I tried to read just one chapter a day, I’d never finish! Instead, I prefer to read the entire book quickly, usually in a day or so. Then, I go back and highlight the parts that stand out to me. That way, when I revisit the book, I can focus on those key takeaways rather than rereading everything.

For those who want to know my reading process—it’s a bit unconventional. I start with the introduction, then jump straight to the last chapter. From there, I read the ending notes and acknowledgments before finally circling back to chapter one. I realize this might seem odd, but it’s how I’ve always read books. Of course, you should read in whatever way works best for you!

Ants vs. Mosquitoes: An Analogy That Sticks

Levi Lusko opens the book with an unusual analogy. When I reread my highlighted passages, his words hit me hard:

“Ants… public enemy number one… Ants do not carry yellow fever or malaria… Mosquitoes do… Mosquitoes love water. Mosquitoes were laying their larva and thriving. The ant moats—the very things people thought were keeping them safe—were actually costing them their lives. I’ve made the mistake of doing the right thing the wrong way. I fought the ants but fostered the mosquitoes. By following my feelings, I became trapped in moods that should not have had a hold on me. By failing to take my thoughts captive, I allowed anxiety to have a seat at the table reserved only for God and paid for with the blood of His Son. Leave the ants alone. It’s time to swat some mosquitoes.”

Wow. That needs to go on a notecard: Ants vs. Mosquitoes.

This analogy might seem like a strange way to start Take Back Your Life, but it’s unforgettable. It forces us to reflect on whether we’re fighting the wrong battles while allowing the real threats to thrive.

Lusko also discusses idols, explaining that they aren’t necessarily bad things. Instead, he says:

“They are good things that are treated as ultimate things.”

That statement makes me pause. What are my “ultimate” things? What am I prioritizing in a way that might be unhealthy? I need to sit with that thought.

Feelings vs. Faith

Romans 7:15 says:

“I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate.”

Feelings are fleeting. We can’t base our lives on emotions that shift from moment to moment. Lusko compares this to vision, explaining:

“Looks can be deceiving. We can look at something but not see what’s there. That means we cannot trust what we see with the naked eye. You can’t trust what you see or the decisions you make based on that. You need more.”

We’re quick to judge, decide, and react based on what we see. But what if what we see isn’t the full story?

Take a child who has experienced trauma and neglect. Imagine a parent walks in to find them hiding in the kitchen, stuffing food into their shirt—even though they just ate a huge meal.

To a parent without experience in trauma, this looks like stealing, lying, and disobedience. Their reaction?

“Go to your room. No movie. No dessert. Why did you lie? Why didn’t you just ask?”

But through the lens of trauma-informed parenting, the picture shifts. This child isn’t stealing out of greed—they’re acting out of fear and survival instincts. Their brain remembers the hunger and neglect they once endured.

As parents, our feelings in these moments might be anger or frustration. But Lusko reminds us to see what’s unseen. We need a “night-vision telescope called faith.”

“You’re going to see potential. You’re going to see they’re destined for impact. They were made in the image of God. There is amazing potential packed inside of them.”

That’s an incredibly hard concept to grasp in the heat of frustration. When we’re dealing with the same issue for the hundredth time, our first thought isn’t always God is working this for our good. But faith calls us to look beyond what’s visible.

Your Story Now Is Not the End of Your Story

Lusko writes:

“Through faith, eternity becomes visible. When you operate in faith, you know that what you see is not the end of the story. You may not be happy with your story right now. You may be disappointed or grieving or bored, or maybe you’ve forgotten you’re living a story at all. But you are. Uncover what has been hidden in plain sight. When you see the invisible, you can do the impossible.”

Right now, many parents see brokenness—the things that still need fixing, the progress yet to be made. It’s hard to appreciate what has improved when there’s still so much to do. But when we look through the lens of faith, we see beyond the immediate struggles.

The Battlefield of the Mind

Lusko says:

“Before we can do the great things we’re called to do out there, we must get things squared away on the inside. I’m talking about the war within.”

This hits home. The battlefield of the mind is real. Joyce Meyer even wrote an entire book and Bible study on this topic.

As someone passionate about ending the stigma around mental illness, I believe we need to have more compassion, love, and encouragement for those struggling.

People often tell me to “capture my thoughts”, but sometimes my thoughts are already speeding 200 mph down the track before I even have a chance to catch them.

My self-image is a constant battle. When I look in the mirror, I see flaws—wrinkles, weight, moles, personality quirks, behaviors. I instinctively make myself small, hoping to avoid attention. It’s exhausting.

But Lusko reminds us:

“Jesus said, the message of the gospel isn’t try; it’s trust. You don’t have to carry the weight of what you can do for me; just stand on the strength of what I have done for you. Once you’re under that umbrella called grace, how God views you—your identity—doesn’t change day to day with your behavior or with your activity.”

And this:

“What God says about you? You are loved. You are chosen. You are called. You are equipped.”

No matter how I feel—on my best day or my worst—those truths remain.

Honestly, those words—Loved. Called. Chosen. Equipped.—might just find a permanent place on my body. I already have “perseverance, survivor, warrior” tattooed in Amharic. This feels like the next step.

Because I need those reminders. Every. Single. Day.

Final Thoughts

Take Back Your Life is an incredibly powerful read. Whether you’re struggling with fear, doubt, mental battles, or past trauma, Lusko challenges you to shift your perspective—to stop swatting at ants and start taking down mosquitoes.

I’d love to hear your thoughts! Have you read this book? What parts stood out to you? Let’s discuss.

Related Posts

Why Am I Feeling Anxious?

 

Faith Journey, Medical, Opsoclonus Myoclonus Syndrome

Let Us Marinate

Brandi C

Let Us Marinate

Let Us Marinate

 

Let Us Marinate on the picture. Open it up, enlarge it and just look. This canvas is a 16×20, and there is NO room left to put ANY type of bead. Beads of Courage is defined as “Every time a bead is given, courage is honored, suffering is alleviated, resilience is strengthened, and the experience of human caring is affirmed. Every Bead of Courage Program integrates the use of beads, the earliest art form known to humans, as visible, tangible symbols of human experiences that need and deserve to be expressed.”

This is my youngest son’s canvas of all of his beads. We kept them, for the longest time, on strings. The strings didn’t hold up, so we were able to get 2 beautifully hand-crafted wooden boxes that were overflowing. So, one day, I thought…let’s see what I can come up with. What I ignored was the WEIGHT of this thing. There is no way a nail can hold this thing up. We may have to prop it up or use 2 nails and a wire…it is heavy!

Each Bead

You will notice that there are different types of beads. Each bead is indicative of a procedure/therapy/accomplishment/etc. that the child has done. I will say, H did not earn any beads for the first 3 years of his disease. This was because BOC was a program for terminally ill children or children with cancer. I believe there was also, at his hospital, a cardiac program. When we moved hospitals, the requirements changed. Now, BOC includes those children/young adults with life-altering conditions. So, these are the beads he has earned in the last 2 years. Can you even imagine if we were to go back and get them for the first 3 years??!!

Oval Type Beads

Orange (too many to count)

Central Line (PICC), Broviac, Port, Midline, IJ, Pheresis Catheter Placement & Removal

Blue (too many to count)

Clinic Visit

Dark Green (0)

Dialysis, TPN, NPO

Gray (too many to count)

Dressing Change, Central Line, Osteotomy, Trach, Surgery Site, Others, & Skin Care

Glow in the Dark (2)

Echocardiogram

Magenta (too many to count)

Emergency, Unusual Occurrence, Seizure, Emergency Transportation

Light Blue (too many to count)

Eye Exam, Eye Drops, mouth Care related to Treatment

Glass Star (20)

General Surgery

Brown and Face Bead (2)

Hair Loss, Hair Growth

Lime (several)

Isolation Precautions, Fever, Neutropenia

Purple (too many to count)

IV Infusions (One bead per day or initiation & Discontinuation)

White (too many to count)

Learning New Medications, Parent Education

Beige (too many to count)

Nutrition & Diet Transitions

Yellow (too many to count)

Overnight Stay in Hospital (one bead per day)

Black (too many to count)

Pokes, IV starts, blood draws, subq & IM injections, port access, suture placement.

Tortoise (too many to count)

Procedures include Cath lab, biopsy, LP, casting, scope, shunt tap, IR, wound care, EVD, joint injections, aspirations, and others.

Pink (too many to count)

Respiratory support, sedation, anesthesia, ventilator

Silver Star (14)

Suture Removal, Staple Removal

Light Green (too many to count)

Test, Scans, CT, MRI, X-Ray, EKG, EEG, PFT, PET, US, BE, UGI, Nucl. Meds, Others

Rainbow (250)

Therapy, support staff visits (PT, OT, SLP), Others

Red (5)

Transfusions, Blood products, Pheresis

Aqua (a bunch)

Tube, Catheter Placement & Removal, NG, NJ, G-tube, Chest Tube, Foley, Drain, Others

Papa Beads (too many to count)

He got this from his Papa’s private collection. These beads are SO precious to me.

Special Beads

Handmade Glass Selection (68)

Acts of Courage, Treatment-related Milestones

Square Heart (3)

Admission or Transfer to Intensive Care Unit

BOC Signature Heart (2)

Completion of Treatment, Transfer to Adult Services

Ceramic Special Selection (50)

Independent self or parent giving infusions or injections, Following medication schedule, Special accomplishment, Recognition of Personal or Family Accomplishment

Bumpy (52)

Medication Challenges, Taking, learning, self or parent giving infusion or injection, Mobility Challenges, lying flat, bed rest, crutches, splint, wheelchair, 1st walk after surgery, other.

Fish (60)

Transfer units or facilities, long-distance travel for care, “upstream battle.”

Transplant Glass Selection (24)

Transplant

Member’s Choice (15)

Discharge from hospital

Let it ALL Sink In

This child, who got sick on June 6, 2017, had WAY more procedures, pokes, traveling, transplants, and all than he has had in the last 2 years. This canvas is only the last 2 years of the 5 he has had since he has gotten sick.

Resiliency.

He is fantastic, brilliant, strong, capable, and able, and now he is HEALED. I never thought I would say that word concerning H, but here we are saying it loud and proud for all to hear. God is good. I didn’t think He was good. Honestly, I wondered if He even existed sometimes. Yet, I had warriors all around us that held up my arms and faithfully prayed for my son. They were my faith when I had none.

My Theme Verse

Romans 4:18-21 Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed…Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, 21 being fully persuaded that God had the power to do what he had promised.

Take that OMS!

 

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

LA Came in Like a Tornado

Brandi C

LA Came in Like a Tornado

Leigh Ann Came in Like a Tornado

Ten years ago, I met a brassy blond girl at a ballpark. She had a crass mouth and a nasty smoking habit. She was loud and obnoxious. A person people moved away from when they saw her. She did not dress the part, talk the part, and certainly did not behave the part of what society deems “normal.” 

Yet, I was drawn to her. I saw myself in her—the girl that no one wanted to be friends with, the outcast. I have a deep love for those who seem unlovable. I see through the facade of what someone presents. I see their heart—that deep desire to fit in, yet the complete inability to do so.

Seeing a Bit of Jesus in Her

In my mind, I can close my eyes and see all the bright dots of Jesus throughout her. I just knew when those dots connected; she would be an unstoppable force of nature for the Kingdom.

I fell in love with this girl, her children, her brother, and her parents. We were a tight-knit group of misfits. I was blessed to be able to lead her to Christ one spring day. After she accepted Christ, I gave her a hot pink Bible. It was her favorite color. She loved Jesus with all her heart.

Mental Illness

She also struggled with mental illness. Despite her love for Jesus, she had good days and bad days. What bonded us was that I, too, suffer from mental illness. I have clinical depression. She had onset bipolar disorder. 

One thing I want you all to hear is that you can still love Jesus without abandon and still struggle with different types of mental illness. That does not mean you love Him less than someone who does not struggle.

How Did She Change My World?

She taught me how to accept those who were not “normal.” Also, she taught me to walk towards the waves instead of away from them. Live life without fear of abandonment and to hell what people thought of you.

Did I change her world? I hope I did. She made me a better person, and I hope I had some effect on her. Her mom always said that I did. I sure do love her children and now grandchildren. We were good for each other, for the most part.

Does it Change the World to Stand in the Gap?

Yes, it does the world when you brush and braid a friend’s hair for the last time? Also, when you begin painting her nails and toenails her favorite color? Does it change the world to wipe the ants off of her body while you are bathing her? What about closing her eyes for the last time?

Yes, it does change the world. It changed for LA’s children, her mother, and her brother. It also changed me and it showed me what the phrase “be Jesus with skin on” really means. Sacrificial love and service for her and her family.

LA, you are loved, thought of, and missed daily.

Related Posts

Don’t Quit Just Do It

End the Stigma, Quotes

Get Your Fight Back

Brandi C

Get Your Fight Back

Get Your Fight Back is one of the first videos I saw on TikTok.  This, well, it gave me chills.  Every time I hear/read it, I have the same experience.  Sarah Jakes Robert amazingly delivered this sermon.

“Get Your Fight Back” by Sarah Jakes Robert

It is titled “Get your fight back.”

Girl, get your power back.

~Girl, start acting like you are a king’s daughter, and that there has always been a crown attached to your head.

Even when I was sick I was still His. Even when I was dead, I was still His.

Do you know who I am?

I am a child of the highest God.

He has kept me alive so that I can be a testimony to everyone attached to me.

Get Up: There is No Hold on You

Girl, you can get up again.

And Girl addiction can’t have you.

Girl divorce gotta let you go.

Get up girl, Girl get up, Girl get up, Girl get up, Girl get up again.

Girl Depression gotta let you go.

And Girl anxiety has to lose its hold.

I’m pleading for you to get up.

My daughter needs to see you get up.

And My sister needs to you get up.

Get up, Get up.

I gotta get up, I gotta get up again,  I gotta get up again.

Get Your Prophecy

God’s you just sent a word, And now I know I need to get up again.

Something died on the inside of me, but I feel my spirit coming back.

I feel my power coming back and my ideas.

And I feel these dry bones shaken and coming back to life.

I’m getting up, I’m getting up.

I’m getting in position.

And I’m tired of crying about it.

I’m tired of fighting about it.

So I’m getting in the position.

Girl, You gotta get up.

I’m getting up for my daughter, I’m getting up for my sister, I’m getting up for my kids, I don’t even have them yet, but I was getting up for them too.

And I’m getting up for my community and marriage.

Gotta get up, I gotta get up, I gotta get up, I gotta get up.

Jesus, you’ve been chasing me too long.

I’m here and I surrender.

I gotta get up, I gotta get up.

The bitterness you got to Let me go.

Death, You can’t have me.

I gotta get up.

Honestly, I gotta find my joy.

I’ve got to find my peace.

I Gotta find my spirit again.

My friend made me who I am, my spirit got me into this.

And My spirit is gonna get me out, My spirit is going to get me out of it.

I got my Spirit back.

God touch me, God overflow.

I need your spirit, I’m hungry for it, I’m desperate for it.

God help me up.

Who You Need to Let Know

Let Hell hear you.

And Let the Depression hear you.

Let the enemy know.

And Let death know.

Spirit

The spirit is coming back to me.

This spirit, what spirit?

The Holy Spirit, the Name that is above all Names.

Yes. When we call on that Name things happen.

That’s what I’m calling on.

What I need

Your Spirit.

Jesus, I need your power.

Your healing.

Get Who You Are Back

The King of kings.

Lord of lords.

You are the way maker.

My healer.

What I Call You

Excellent.

Wonderful.

Magnificent.

Jehovah Jairus.

Jehovah

What I Say

You can have control.

I surrender.

Make a way.

Nothing is off limits

I say God touch me as only you can do.

God give me power.

Help me forgive.

I say God Cleanse me from bitterness.

Sermon Video and Full Transcript of Sarah Jakes Robert

Girl Get Up

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

End the Stigma, Faith Journey, Quotes

True Beauty from Within the Ashes

Brandi C

True Beauty from Within the Ashes

True Beauty from Within the Ashes

“True Beauty”

Do You think that a California girl is supposed to have curls and wear a jean size 3?
All the curves in all the right places, spray tanned faces like on TV?
And we read in the gospel of Vogue that we’re all supposed to dress and move and be
Visions of perfection
Such a misconception
‘Cause the real connection is deeper than the eye can see

True Beauty from Within the Ashes reminds me of a post I wrote about the little squares of life. Social media often becomes a tool for comparison, but what we see is just a curated snapshot. People carefully choose what they present to the world, but what’s hidden behind the screen—the chaos, the struggles, the unfiltered moments—remains unseen.

Chorus

What’s inside of you
What’s inside of me
The hands that made the moon and the stars
The mountains and the seas
Made you wonderful, beautiful, marvelously
Let the whole world see your
True beauty

Aw, Psalm 139, about how God created us.  If you haven’t read it, you should!

World Versus Truth

Don’t know much about Dolce and Gabbana
Seems like a lot of drama to me
And you can keep all your red high heels
And open-toed shoes – I’m good in my bare feet
Lets get down to the nitty gritty
Enough sex and the city
What about purity?
Skin is just the surface
The passion and the purpose that’s burning down inside us
Is really what we need to see

Purity is a rare treasure these days—how sad is that? It’s so easy to slip when emotions take over, even when you’re with the person you plan to spend forever with. Feelings are natural, but wisdom is essential. Staying accountable and avoiding situations where temptation can take root can prevent a lot of heartache—even if you’re engaged!

Chorus

What’s inside of you
What’s inside of me
The hands that made the moon and the stars
The mountains and the seas
Made you wonderful, beautiful, marvelously
Let the whole world see your
True beauty

Love and Peace

Doesn’t come in a bottle, doesn’t come in a box
You can’t spray it on, you can’t wash it off
You can’t nip and tuck, you can’t sew it up
So don’t waste your time
It’s the love in your heart, the peace in your soul
The hope in your smile lets the whole world know
This little light – you gotta let it shine

Love, peace, hope, a smile, and a shining spirit are so important to keep in our hearts. Yet, they can be difficult to hold onto—especially for those struggling with mental illness. The truth is, we all need to be intentional about cultivating these qualities. Maybe it’s as simple as leaving sticky note reminders to keep them at the forefront of our minds.

True Beauty from Within the Ashes

I hadn’t heard True Beauty in years. When the album first came out, I bought it and listened to it faithfully. But as life happened, things got misplaced along the way.

Recently, while updating my Worship playlist on YouTube, I searched for Shackles—a song I love, also by Mandisa. That’s when True Beauty popped up, leading me back to the entire album.

Feeling inspired while working on my blog, I decided to listen. The moment this song played, it was like warm water washing over me. It speaks to me now in a way it never did when it was first released—deeper, more personal, as if I was meant to hear it in this season of life.

Events of Today

Today, I had the privilege of ministering to a heartbroken young woman. We talked about beauty from ashes—Isaiah 61:3, one of my favorite verses. Her voice has been stifled for so long, silenced by the weight of her past abuse and the uncertainty of what lies ahead. In her eyes, she is broken.

We spoke about how the Lord has a purpose for both her past and present pain. One day, she will find the strength to use her story to help others. She will hold the hand of another, walking them through the ashes, guiding them toward their own beauty.

Encouragement

I hope you find encouragement in knowing that you are never alone. You are loved beyond measure. No matter your past, present, or future circumstances, God loves you right where you are. There is nothing you need to do to earn His love, and nothing you can do to lose it. His love is constant—yesterday, today, tomorrow, and every day until He calls you home.

 

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

I Am Who I Am

Brandi C

I Am Who I Am

I Am Who I Am

Being who I am that I do not have many friends. It is hard for me to open up to other people because of how often I have been used. Also, for being backstabbed by these so-called “friends.” My circle of friends is tiny due to this issue I have had in the past. 

I have maybe four close friends who care about me and my well-being. I would do anything for them. Honestly, I am loyal to the end. I find it hard to let go, especially when potential long-lasting friendships end. I also tend to take on my friends’ problems. Sadly, I claim that I am the cause of their issues. I will just as quickly take the blame for everything rather than have them take responsibility. 

This One “Friend”

This one “friend” is currently my co-worker and, unfortunately, my neighbor. The first night shift we worked together, we instantly clicked. We became comfortable with each other, which is incredibly rare for me. As the days went on, we constantly texted about work and life. We would hang out at my place and watch movies on our days off. His friends and family became comfortable with me as we continued to hang out. Working together was a blast since we got along, and the kids enjoyed it when we both worked on the same day.

Tragic Event

He was always there for me when I needed him. There was a massive party at the apartment where I used to live. There were easily at least 200+ party-goers. Having a party, this size goes against the contract of the apartment complex. Unfortunately, the party got out of hand. There was a tragic event that turned the party into a nightmare. 

My anxiety was at an all-time high, and I needed to get out of there. My friend came to rescue me as quickly as he could. He was so understanding and was there to help distract me from this event. My friend insisted that I did not return to my apartment until things calmed down and the police finished their investigations.

Maude, My Orphan Kitty

My friend also supported me when my little orphan kitten died that I was trying to bottle feed after her mom rejected her. I stayed up late at night and took that little kitten with me literally everywhere, we eventually had a routine, and I was so proud of how she was progressing. I do not do well when animals die, especially if I am the one dedicated to their health and well-being. The baby passed away, and I was heartbroken. My friend was with me, and he took the kitten and buried her for me since I could not do it myself. 

I Told Him Everything

We did not have secrets, and we knew each other pretty well. My ‘friend’ was concerned for my mental health and physical health since the job profession we work in is extremely taxing for someone with mental health issues. I was grateful to have someone to talk to who has some of the same problems that I struggle with daily. This person was the true definition of an absolute best friend, or so I thought. 

We did not date even though he admitted having feelings for me that I could not reciprocate for personal reasons. But we remained best friends for a long time, that is, until his current girlfriend came back into his life. They had dated once in the past. I was supportive. I still wanted to hang out with him, and I also wanted to get to know his girlfriend because I was trying to be supportive of their relationship. 

All of a Sudden

He stopped talking to me, and he did not use text or call me at all. I had no clue what I did wrong to make him not talk to me because we spent almost every day together. Things just got worse from that point. I tried to talk to him, but he refused to acknowledge my existence and futile attempts to get him to speak to me. 

I admitted to him that I was jealous that he spent every day with his new girlfriend and that she moved in with him only two weeks after their dating. Not jealous in the love sort of way but jealous that my best friend put all of his attention on just his girlfriend and nobody else. 

Then One Night

One night I was walking my dog, and he was outside on his back patio with his sister and girlfriend. I did not say a single word to him. He shouted from his yard that he needed to say something to me and let me have it. He told me never to talk to his friends or family again and that if I had something to say, I should say it to his face. 

Instantly I got defensive and shouted back an obscene comment while rushing back to my apartment. Granted, I should have handled that situation with better decorum, but I was unprepared for that verbal attack. This ‘friend’ would text me nasty things, and his girlfriend even got in on the action and told me to stop talking to her boyfriend or things would get worse for me. I did not know how to handle this situation, so I ignored him. 

My Depression and Anxiety

My depression was through the roof, and my anxiety about the whole scenario kept my mind running in 20 different directions. My ‘friend’ drunk-dialed me one night, and I just broke down and told him everything I felt and how betrayed I felt about the whole situation. He blamed me for his drinking and dipping problem, and he said that I was the one that caused drama between him and his friends and family. Being the person I am, I claimed his problems as my own. I honestly believed that our entire friendship had been some one-way street and that I had caused all his problems. 

Eventually

After we were mature and decided to end our silly feud when we would work together, he started talking to me more, and we fell back into our usual best friend ways. He said that his girlfriend did not like me, and she did not like the fact that we would hang out all the time and text each other constantly. I told him that if she was threatened by me trying to “break up their relationship,” I could never do that to someone. I’m not that kind of person. And I reiterated that I will still support and care about him because he played a part in my life whether I wanted it to happen or not.

I Missed my Best Friend

I told him I missed my best friend, and I honestly did. I missed the days we would hang out together, be goofy, and have fun with our two dogs. The thing is, is that I hold onto the people that come into my life. I try to make any situation better by offering to help however I can at the time. My friend kept in contact with me, but we never actually hung out except when we worked together at the boy’s house. He fell into a bad depressive state, and I tried my best to be there for him since I know how rough it can be when you get in that depressive state. 

One Random Night

His girlfriend added me on Snapchat and sent me a message. I dreaded opening it because I hated confrontation. We talked for a long time, and we were okay. I explained that I did not have feelings for him other than feelings of being a best friend and that I was not trying to break up their relationship. I called my friend and told him what she said and how everything was good between us again. Everything was fine for the next two weeks. 

Enter My Mom

One day my mom came over to visit me, and she wanted to introduce herself to my boys and my friend since I had already told her about him. All she did was shake his hand and introduce herself. Two days later, I got the most hateful message from him early in the morning. He accused my mom and me of trying to start drama and said she came to his house unannounced. I was confused and hurt by all the hateful things sent to me.

Horribly Bullying

He called me a crazy psycho manipulative bitch and that he never wanted to see my face ever again. We were NEVER friends, the exact words that were texted to me. That was along with some other things I will not mention. I was at work at the time, so I had to excuse myself to go to the bathroom to cry and then compose myself the best I could. My hands were shaking, and I could feel my blood pressure rising with each nasty message. I was confused, hurt, and betrayed, and I seriously started believing everything he was saying to me.

Is This a Joke?

I honestly thought at first that it was a joke. That wasn’t him because my best friend would never say things like that to me. I profusely apologized even though I did nothing wrong, but he did not believe me. He said that I was not innocent and that I thought that I had never done anything wrong. I allowed myself to be sad for a little while. Then I had to get over it and finish out my shift so I could go home. Why? 

Seriously, Why me? 

Why do I always get into situations with people betraying me and my trust? I love fiercely, and I am loyal to the end. I would never do anything to hurt my friend. But he hurt me. He hurt me so badly that I felt like my chest would rip open. I was miserable for the next week or two. His friends would always come at me and send me nasty messages. I just took it all on my shoulders like I usually do. 

I need to stop doing things like that.

And that doesn’t make me a bad person. I am allowed to have feelings. To be sad and mourn my best friend, who I somehow alienated in my life. After I attended a church sermon one day, my pastor said something that resonated with me. It probed me to remember how badly he hurt me. He said that even though someone might have done us wrong, we must forgive. Also, pray that God will bless their lives abundantly. 

I started to cry thinking about all my past friendships that crashed and burned for whatever reason it was at the time. Then, I sent every single one of my so-called “friends” a message. It was a ‘to the point’ message which said exactly what I wanted to say. I did this in a kind and Christ-Like manner. I do not know if any of my friends even read that message. At least I sent it to them and forgave them.

Message to my “Friend”

I still see my neighbor around, and I also see him at work. Today, I will choose kindness. Also, I will choose to love still (as a friend). Furthermore, I will care about him even though it is hard. I will decide to make friends if God brings them into my life. Also, I will still love and be loyal to them no matter what comes my way. 

And to my friend, even though he says we are not friends, I hope you have a fruitful life. That you and your girlfriend are happy together is all I ever wanted for you. I want you to be happy and successful. Even if that means our friendship is at an end. That’s okay. I will be okay. Because my heart belongs to God, and I believe in his everlasting love for me.

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To the Person That’s Been There Through it All

Brandi C

 

To the Person That’s Been There Through it All

To the Person That’s Been There Through it All

To the Person That’s Been There Through it All

Thank you

And thank you for caring

Thank you for sharing

And thank you for loving me

When I felt that no one ever could

 

Cared for Me When No One Else Could

You didn’t have to do any of those things

But for some odd reason, you did

You cared for me when no one else could

You shared with me to try to help me understand

And you loved me when I needed it the most

On top of all that you’ve treated me like your own

 

Helped Me Grow

You’ve helped me grow to understand who I am

And who to look to when I am in need

To search for Jesus first instead of the worst.

and to consider Him in mind with my choices first.

You’ve shown me what it feels like to be loved by choice

Not by obligation

 

I Love You

And I just wanted you to know that I thank you

And most importantly I love you.

 

Trevor Project

The Trevor Project is an American nonprofit organization founded in 1998. Focused on suicide prevention efforts among lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and questioning youth, they offer a toll-free telephone number where confidential assistance is provided by trained counselors.

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I Am Broken

Brandi C

 

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I Am Broken

I am broken

And I am not normal

I am not who I want to be

Instead, I am the one thing I have been raised to not be

The one thing that will make me lose people close to me

I am not who my parents expected me to be

Also, I am disappointed in their eyes

I am a disappointment in my own eyes

Struggling

I know it is wrong

Sadly, I know its not meant to be that way

I have not chosen to feel this way

It just happened

I have actively fought it

Honestly, I would rather not acknowledge it than admit to it

I don’t want to talk about it

And I don’t want to act on it

Normal

All I want is to be normal

To be who I was meant to be

Not who I have become

By choice or not

I hate myself for my feelings

I would rather just ignore it

Then deal with it

I am not normal

Sadly, I am broken

I AM NOT OKAY.

But one day I will be.

What God Says

God says He loves us.  He sent His son to die on the cross for us.  When we come to Christ, He throws our sins as far as the East is from the West.  Also, He says that Satan is the Prince of the Earth.  He comes to steal, kill, and destroy us all.  We have free will and it is a giant butthole.  God will not supersede free will, though He can at any moment.  He loves us and that is enough! This anonymous guest blogger shows such vulnerability and courage in writing and submitting this in order to help others.

The Trevor Project

 

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Misery Loves Company

Brandi C

Misery Loves Company

Misery Loves Company

Misery loves company they say

But is it the misery the person wants to share

Or are they looking to someone for help?

But instead, bring them down too

Is the misery more infectious than the need for help?

Or does the person just not want it enough

Personally, I think I would rather suffer alone

Then to bring a friend down with me

I don’t want my friends and family to feel like this

I wouldn’t want anyone to feel like this

Like the whole world is sitting on my shoulders

just waiting for them to make the wrong move.

Just Waiting

Waiting for them to slip

Waiting for them to pull someone in

Waiting for them to not be alone

So they will share the misery

I don’t want to be infectious with hate

I don’t want to put bad things in people’s mind

I’d much rather put in light and love

But where can I start

To get back to that person

That everyone loved to be around

The person that was infectious to laughter

The person that loved others and at least liked herself

I guess I should start at the beginning again

And try to learn a new way of dealing with my sin

Instead of storing it away and letting it fester

I need to let it go and pray that it will work out in the end

Because I’d much rather love myself and help others

Then hate myself and essentially drown them

I don’t want to feed them the lies that I believe

That I’m not good enough

That I’m not worthy

Because we are good enough

We are all worthy of love

And not the misery.

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You are not Hidden

Brandi C

 

You are not Hidden

You are not Hidden

That phrase. You are not Hidden. It stirs in my soul. There are days when I feel like He doesn’t see me. He doesn’t care that He doesn’t hear my prayers. I am sure other people think that, but I listened to this song. He does hear me. When I am silently crying, alone, He hears me. Then, He sends His army just for me. He doesn’t send it to Antarctica or Timbuktu. The army comes to me, wherever I might be. Now, He may not respond to me the way I want it, but He still hears me. He still answers me. Click on Lauren Daigle’s name, and it will take you to the video. Very powerful.

I have this song on my playlist. Since I listen to it often, it is one that we all stop and focus on when the kids are doing their homework. One day, listening to this, I was all up in the Spirit. I looked over to my left, and there H was sitting. His eyes closed, his hands up in the air, and he sang along. My heart almost exploded.

Rescue

~by Lauren Daigle

You are not hidden
There’s never been a moment
You were forgotten
{You} are not hopeless
Though you have been broken
Your innocence stolen
I hear you whisper underneath your breath
{I} hear your SOS, your SOS
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It’s true, I will rescue you
There is no distance
That cannot be covered
Over and over
You’re not defenseless
I’ll be your shelter
{I’ll} be your armor
I hear you whisper underneath your breath
{I} hear your SOS, your SOS
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It’s true, I will rescue you
I will never stop marching to reach you
In the middle of the hardest fight
It’s true, I will rescue you
I hear the whisper underneath your breath
{I} hear you whisper, you have nothing left
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It’s true, I will rescue you
I will never stop marching to reach you
In the middle of the hardest fight
It’s true, I will rescue you
Oh, I will rescue you
Source: LyricFind

Important Numbers

To Make It Easier!  988